At once we all let go of our breaths, relief cascading over us in a huge wave that almost knocked us off our chairs. Braden rushed Ellie before anyone else could, squeezing her up into his arms until she told him she couldn’t breathe, and while he did that Clark reassured Declan, who was still a little sleepy that Ellie, was in all likelihood going to be okay. Braden finally let his little sister down with a loud smack of a kiss on her forehead and before she could even catch her breath Adam was on her, kissing her right on the mouth in front of everyone. A real kiss too. Ballsy.
“Well, it’s about time,” Clark sighed.
Ellie laughed against Adam’s mouth at that one. Obviously she was just now realizing I’d been right all along. She and Adam had been anything but subtle these last few months.
“What’s funny?” Elodie asked, bustling back into the room.
I took that opportunity to haul Ellie into my arms. “Worst twenty four hours in a very long time, my friend.”
She pulled back to look at me. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”
I sighed heavily and then looked at the tea and coffee Elodie had brought into the room. I gave her an apologetic look as I said, “I don’t think that’s strong enough.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you have anything stronger in the house?”
“Not really.” I glanced at Ellie. “But there is the pub just a few doors down from us that we’ve never been into yet. Maybe it’s time. I think there’s a possibility they’ll have something stronger.”
“Strong sounds good to me.”
“And me,” Clark agreed.
“We have the kids,” Elodie complained.
I grabbed my purse sitting on the coffee table. “They’re allowed into a pub if they’re with an adult. They can have a Coke.”
Elodie didn’t look too sure.
I smiled reassuringly. “It’s just one drink. A celebratory drink at that.”
“Clark can have a drink. I’ll drive,” Elodie relented and we grabbed our things to leave.
Elodie and Clark shuffled the kids out first. Adam had his arm around Ellie and she was tucked in close to him, looking amazingly happy for someone who had major surgery coming up in a few weeks’ time. Then again, for over twenty four hours we’d all been convinced she had cancer only to discover she probably didn’t… and of course she finally had Adam right where she wanted him.
That left me and Braden to trail at the back, and I got the first taste of what he’d meant earlier. His fingers brushed my lower back to guide me out of the door and it was so deliberate it wasn’t funny.
He knew I was sensitive there.
I tried to hold back the shiver as I turned to lock the apartment, but Braden got in my way, so when I turned I collided with him.
“Sorry.” He smirked, moving slowly so my breasts brushed against his chest.
I felt my nipples harden and flinched at the heat that pulsed between my legs. My look was scathing. “Sure you are.”
Braden laughed softly as I leaned down to lock the door, and then I felt his shadow fall over me. I glanced up to my right to see his hand pressed against the door near my head. I twisted around to look up at him, only to find he’d cocooned himself around me. “Need a hand?”
I narrowed my eyes into slits. “Back off before I turn your balls into a keyring.”
I could tell he tried really hard not to laugh. Unfortunately not hard enough. “Babe, you’ve got to know when you say shit like that, it just makes me love you more.”
“You sound like a very bad villain/stalker right now.”
“I don’t care how I sound, as long as it’s working.”
“It’s not working.”
“A few more days of it and it will.” He brushed a quick kiss across my cheek and then abruptly pulled away before I could kill him.
“Come on guys,” Ellie called to us from further up the sidewalk. Elodie, Clark and the kids must have already gone inside. “What’s taking so long?”
“Jocelyn was just begging for sex, but I told her it was a highly inappropriate time for it,” Braden answered loudly, causing passersby to chuckle at him.
Furious at him for so many reasons, I rushed down our stoop towards them. “That’s okay, sweetheart,” I answered just as loudly. “I have a toy that does a better job of it anyway.” With that I slammed into the pub where he couldn’t hound me in front of the kids.
And although immature —and yes highly inappropriate considering the reason we were going for a drink—I couldn’t help but feel satisfied I’d finally got the last word in.
***
I admit it. I was a big fat coward.
I didn’t meet with Rhian and James on Monday like I’d promised. Instead I emailed her, explaining Ellie’s situation and that I didn’t want to leave her alone at the moment. If Rhian thought it was weird I couldn’t take just two hours out of the day to see her, she didn’t let on. If she thought it was weird I was emailing her instead of calling her, she didn’t let on.
The truth was I barely saw Ellie over the next few days because Adam had practically moved into her bedroom and the two of them only came out of there for snacks and bathroom breaks.
I didn’t want to see Rhian and James. That was the truth.
And why?
Because not too long ago I had spewed crap down the phone to Rhian about not running from James because she was afraid of what the future might hold for them, and I really wasn’t in the mood to get a lecture from Rhian about breaking up with Braden and being a total hypocrite.
My story with Braden was entirely different. It was.
Really.
Okay.
I was just scared. No. Terrified. And I had every right to be. I just had to look at the way I’d reacted to Ellie’s situation to know that Braden would be in for a tough, neurotic life with me. Plus, my life had been so much calmer without him in it. I rarely worried about anything, my emotions were pretty stable, I had, if not peace, then quiet. Being with Braden was tumultuous and, really when I thought about it, exhausting. Take out the amazing sex and all that you’re left with is a bunch of ugly emotions. Worry—that he might get bored and stop liking me. Jealousy— I’d never been the jealous girlfriend before meeting Braden, but now my claws got all sharp anytime I saw a woman flirting with him. Fear for him—as if I didn’t have enough to worry about for myself, now it freaking mattered to me if he was happy or healthy. And it mattered more. That just was not cool.
I liked pre-Braden Joss.
She was spunky and cool and independent.
Post-Braden Joss was kind of a mushy asshat.
It didn’t help matters that Braden had kept to his word. He turned up at the apartment any chance he could, and even though I told him that Ellie was pre-occupied, he still hung around.
***
“I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”
Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”
I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”
“Braden’s.”
***
Wednesday night, two days after Christmas, and I was covering for a colleague at the bar. Ellie’s surgery was in two days.
I’d had an exhausting week of dodging Braden, and, whenever she came out of her room, trying to calm Ellie down about her surgery. Dodging Braden wasn’t so easy. Even though Darren, his manager at Fire, had had to quit because his wife was pregnant and she demanded he get a normal nine-to-five—Braden got him a job as a manager in one of the city hotels a friend owned—and that meant training his new manager, Braden had still found time to come around and bother me. There was the sink incident—which I may have overreacted to because it reminded me of a memory I had of my parents— the walking in while I was having a shower to ask me where the
television remote was incident, the eating his lunch in the kitchen without a shirt on incident—he said he ‘accidentally’ spilled coffee down it and had to put it in the washer/dryer— and there were the many, many ‘looking at me for no reason’ incidents. I swear to God he was wearing on my panties. I had been this close to just giving in when he started to back off a little.
Of course I wouldn’t have given in anyway.
Because I could see the big picture.
He’d started the cool down a few days before Christmas, and was even on pretty good behavior when we had Christmas dinner with Ellie’s family. The only awkward moment came when we had to exchange gifts. We’d both bought our gifts a while ago, and they were more meaningful than what two mere friends would give each other. Braden had managed to get me a signed copy of my favorite book by my most favorite author. How he pulled that off, I don’t know. Oh, and did I mention the stunning diamond tennis bracelet? Uh huh. I got him a first edition of his favorite book, Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. It was the most elaborate gift I’d ever bought, but it was worth it to see the way he smiled at me when he opened it.
Shit.
Fuckity, shit, fuck.
Maybe I expected him to up the ante after that but Braden seemed to do the exact opposite and just… disappear.
I wondered if it was a new tactic.
So I was on alert when he didn’t show up with Ellie and Adam on Wednesday when I was covering the shift. He’d dragged them into the bar the week before when I’d picked up extra shifts, after Ellie demanded I get out of the apartment—I think I was hovering—and he’d sat on the sofa across from the bar, in my direct line of vision, dividing his time between watching me and flirting with pretty girls. I was guessing this was the ‘pissing me off’ part of his promise.
So I was surprised he wasn’t there Wednesday.
Ellie was still awake when I got home from work. She came out of her room and closed the door softly behind her. “Adam’s sleeping,” she whispered, following me into the sitting room.
I grinned at her over my shoulder. “No wonder. You must have worn that poor boy out.”
Ellie rolled her eyes at me and slumped down onto the couch beside me. “It’s not really like that. Well… kind of,” she blushed, her eyes bright with happiness. “Mostly we’re talking a lot. Sorting things out. All those misunderstandings. Apparently, he’s been in love with me for a while.”
“Oh you don’t say.”
“Funny.”
“Speaking of funny, Braden didn’t turn up at the bar tonight.”
His sister eyed me carefully. “His new manager needed help tonight. Were you disappointed he wasn’t there?”
“No,” I answered quickly. Probably too quickly. Dammit, I missed pre-Braden Joss. “I just noticed a lack of ego in the room and thought ‘hey, where’s Braden?’”
Ellie didn’t laugh. She gave me a mothering look of disapproval. “Braden’s right. You’re in love with him. So why are you giving him the run-around? Are you enjoying him chasing you? Is that it?”
I raised my eyebrow at her. “The tumor’s brought out the snarkiness in you, huh?”
She made a face.
“Too soon for tumor jokes?”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Is there never a time for tumor jokes?”
“Never, Joss. Never.”
I winced. “Sorry. That was mean.”
“No. Mean is using my tumor as a tool for deflection. I love you to bits, Joss, but I love my brother too. Why are you doing this to him?”
“I’m not doing this to him. I’m doing this for him.” I turned into her, my eyes sincere as I tried to make her understand. “I don’t handle bad things very well. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. Look how I just walked out on you when you needed me. When Braden needed me.”
“But you came back,” she argued. “You were in shock, but you’ve been here every second since.”
“Braden talked me into it,” I confessed. “He had to shake some sense into me. And as he did that I realized that I can’t protect myself or the people around me from bad stuff happening. And apparently, bad stuff follows me around, so it’s probably going to happen again sometime. When it does, I can’t guarantee I won’t go off the deep end, and I just can’t do that to Braden. His life would be unstable with me and after that bitch wife of his put him through hell, he deserves someone who can give him peace.”
“Joss, you’re talking as if you’re some mental case. You’re not. You’re only problem is that you won’t face what happened to your family and start dealing with it.”
I slammed my head back against the couch. “You sound like Dr. Pritchard.”
“Who?”
“My therapist.”
“You’re seeing a therapist? How did I not know this?” she slapped her hand across my arm.
“Hey.” I winced, pulling away from her.
“This is what I’m talking about.” Ellie was angry; her eyes flashing just like Braden’s did when he was pissed off. “I’m your best friend and you didn’t tell me you were seeing a therapist. Does Braden know?”
“Yes,” I answered like a sullen teenager.
“Well that’s something at least.” She shook her head in disbelief. “You have got to start dealing with your family, Joss. I think if you do that, everything else will start to feel not so big and overwhelming. And you’ll realize you can take each day at a time with Braden. You don’t have to protect him from being with you. He’s a big boy, and clearly he knows a lot more about you than I do, and miracle of miracles he still wants to be with you.”
“Funny. You really do sound like Dr. Pritchard.”
“In all seriousness, Joss, I think you need to stop playing around.”
“I’m not playing.” I studied her carefully though, catching something in her face. “What? What is it? What do you know?”
She took a minute, almost as if she wasn’t sure she should say whatever it was that was on her mind. Suddenly, I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Adam and I went out for lunch today.”
“I know. I was in here, staring at a manuscript I haven’t touched in days.”
“Well.” Ellie couldn’t meet my eyes. “We met Braden for lunch and he brought the new manager of Fire with him.”
“And?”
Her eyes flicked up to me and I tensed at the concern in them. “His new manager is Isla. Isla is a five foot ten, stunning blonde who also happens to be smart and funny.”
I think I felt my heart plummet into my stomach.
“Joss, they seemed into each other.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to believe it, but they were flirting and Braden was… was very attentive. They seemed… close.”
Jealousy is a horrible thing. The pain of it is almost as consuming as heartbreak, and I would know because I was feeling both at the same time. I felt like someone had ripped open my chest with their bare hands, removed my heart and lungs, and replaced them with a bunch of rocks and stones. I stared at the Christmas tree, my mind whirring. This was why he hadn’t been around lately.
“Joss?” Ellie touched my arm.
I looked at her, determined I wasn’t going to cry. I gave her a sad smile. “I guess I was right all along then.”
Ellie began to shake her head.
“No this is good.” I stood up, needing to be alone. “I broke up with him because he deserves to find someone decent and normal. And now I don’t have to feel guilty about it because I was right all along. He doesn’t love me. You’re not into someone else after just breaking up with the love of your life, right? This is good.” I moved towards the sitting room door and heard Ellie scrambling out of her seat.
“No!” Ellie hissed. “That’s not what it is, or why I told you.” She followed me into the hall but I wasn’t really listening since I had a lot of blood rushing in my ears. “Joss, I told you so you’d stop messing around and just be with him again. Listen, I may-” I slammed the door i
n her face.
“Joss.” She banged on it.
“Night, Els!”
“Shit,” I heard her mutter and then her footsteps faded away.
I tried. I really did. But when I curled up in my bed, I couldn’t stop the tears.
~24~
“Ellie’s surgery is tomorrow.”
Dr. Pritchard nodded. “You’re nervous?”
I nodded, my stomach churning. “Her surgeon has great credentials and he’s really confident that this is fairly straight-forward for brain surgery, but I’m still worried.”
“That’s only natural.”
I exhaled slowly, the exhale turning into a small smile. “I’m booked onto a flight to Virginia at the end of January. I’m flying out there after Ellie’s two week recovery at home.”
Dr. Pritchard eyebrows hit her hairline. “Oh? What prompted this?”
Ellie’s bravery and Braden moving on. “Braden’s met someone, just like I wanted him to. But Ellie is really the one who gave me the courage. She’s been really brave about everything and we were sitting talking last night, and there she is with this huge surgery ahead of her and she’s worrying about me, worrying that if I don’t start facing up to my past, I’ll never get better.”
Dr. Pritchard gave me a sad smile. “Ellie convinced you in one conversation to do what I’ve been trying to get you to do for almost six months?”
“I guess you needed to be diagnosed with something scary and be really brave about it so I’d feel like the worst kind of coward.”
“I’ll need to add that to my repertoire.”
I laughed, that laughter trailing off into tense silence. “I’m scared,” I finally admitted. “I have my family’s things in storage. I’m going over to visit their graves and maybe finally do something about all that stuff.”
“You never told me you kept all of their things.”
On Dublin Street Page 27
