by Hawk, Maya
“Yup.”
“Yeah, I’m a man. And you’re a beautiful woman with your body pressed against me. It made me hard,” I say. “Science.”
She rolls to face me. Even in the dark, I see a glint in her eye as she tries not to smile. Jordana’s wide awake. The hour may be late, but the night is young.
“You know how hard it is for me not to fuck you right now?” I say, leaning up and cocking my head against a bent elbow. My tongue drags across my lips as I’m reminded of her sweet taste. I rake my fingers down her arm, stopping for a detour at the curve of her hip.
She says nothing.
“Why’d you really come here tonight?” I ask, though I already know the answer. I need to hear her say it. “Be honest, Jordana. I know it wasn’t to drop off your Goodwill donation box.”
Her full lips twitch, and she makes me wait a little too long for my liking. A single shoulder lifts and falls.
“Been asking myself that all night,” she says with a sigh as her eyes lower.
“I’m not the kind of guy you need to be chasing after,” I say. “You know that. You should know better.”
“Who said anything about chasing?” She leans back. “I’m intrigued by you, Titan. I wasn’t ready for you to leave when I’d barely had time to get to know you.”
“The only thing you need to know about me is I’m all wrong for you.”
“You’re not my type,” she says. “Don’t go thinking I’m trying to pursue you. Not in the market for a boyfriend. Plus I’d lose my internship if I got caught hooking up with someone on paper.”
I sit up in bed. “Shit. Jordana. You’re a damn idiot for being here. If anyone sees you here-”
“Calm down.” She places a hand on my chest. “You’re technically family. I already told my internship supervisor about you, that we were living under the same roof. They know we’re bound to have interactions. They don’t expect me to pretend like you don’t exist.”
“Yeah, but you’re sure as hell not supposed to fuck me.”
“No one has to know.” Her voice breaks, and I watch the rise and fall of her chest underneath my white t-shirt. “I didn’t come here because I wanted to fuck you. For the record.”
“Right.”
“I wanted to yell at you,” she says. “And I wanted to help you too.”
“Appreciate the help, but sure as hell don’t need to be yelled at.”
She lies on her back, her hands folded across her belly as she stares at the popcorn ceiling.
“I don’t know what to think anymore.” She sighs and then yawns.
“Then don’t,” I say. “Stop thinking. You’ll wear yourself out that way. Just live in the moment. It’s all we have.”
Jordana rolls back to me. “Sometimes I think I’m stuck in the past. Other times I can’t stop obsessing over the future. I couldn’t live in the moment if I tried.”
Her teeth rake across her lower lip, and without thinking, I lean in and steal a kiss. My hand follows, grazing her soft cheek until she leans closer. She wants it. She’s welcoming it.
My fingers trail down her neck, past her arm, and under her shirt until her breast fills my cupped palm. My tongue forces her lips to part, dancing with hers and greedily tasting her hot mouth.
“What are you thinking about now?” I mutter into her mouth before kissing her again. Claiming her lips over and over, I add, “Focus on this. Focus on the way you feel right now. In this moment.”
She nods once, her lips hot on mine.
I roll to my back after yanking her panties down her long legs, and pull her on top of me. The only thing separating us is the thin fabric of my sweats. She grinds against my cock. It’s been years since I’ve experienced the pleasure of a good dry hump, but I’ll take it.
Gripping her hips, she circles around me, her eyes closing and her tongue dragging across her lips.
As soon as I saw her at my door tonight, I knew she came here for one thing. The first thing I did was swear to myself I wouldn’t fuck her.
But a man can only be so strong.
And a man can only be sex-starved for so long.
I remind myself it’s just sex.
My mind is on her, on the bed in the small of her back, on the way her dark hair drapes across her collarbone when she moves. I’m not thinking about the last five years. I’m not thinking about tomorrow. I’m right here, in this moment, with Jordana.
She pulls the t-shirt over her head, and my hands lift to cup her swollen breasts.
A perfect handful.
I sit up, taking a dark nipple in my mouth and swirling my tongue across the bumps and ridges.
I’m hard as a rock, and the scent of her arousal works to dissolve every good intention I could possibly have in this moment.
“Fuck me, Jordana,” I groan, burying my head between her tits.
It’s going to be a late night, and I’ve got a fight tomorrow night. I should be sleeping, conserving my energy, but fuck me. I can’t resist her any longer.
Her hips buck and circle, pressing harder against my cock until she reaches down and pulls it out. She wastes no time teasing herself with it, slipping it back and forth, gliding the head of my dick along her seam.
She’s wet as fuck.
I can’t take the teasing.
I’m going to bust before I’m even inside that tight pussy.
Gripping my cock with one hand and her hip with the other, I lower her onto me, eliciting a smile from her half-open mouth.
She sighs, as if impaling herself with my cock brings her some kind of relief, and with her hands on my shoulders, she rides me.
Wild.
Uninhibited.
Carefree.
She’s not the girl she pretends to be.
That much I know for sure.
There’s so much more to her than people realize.
There’s so much more to her than she realizes…
We fuck for hours, like it’s fucking meditation or some shit. It never ends. It’s tantric. Hungry. Carnal.
Just before the sun comes up, we crash, naked and spent, and neither of us says a word.
We’re completely in the moment.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad it happened.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it to happen again.
But it can’t.
And it won’t.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN – JORDANA
“Have a good weekend?” Thad hovers by the coffee pot in the break room Monday morning, stirring a packet of sugar into a steaming mug. I didn’t see him drink a single cup last week but now that I’m standing here, he clearly needs an excuse to linger.
“I did.” Heat rises to my cheeks, as if the things I did all weekend with Titan are broadcasting across my forehead for all the world to see.
“What’d you do?”
“Um, well.” I sip my drink. I’ve never been good at coming up with lies on the spot. “I mostly spent it with family.”
There.
That’s the safest answer.
Titan’s not exactly family, and I’m not exactly about to detail the earth-shattering sex I had over and over with a convicted felon.
“Ah,” he says, following me down the hall. “You see that new Bond movie?”
“Nope.”
“Want to go this week?”
“I’m not really into those movies.” I offer an apologetic smile and stop when we get to the far hall. Gabriela’s office is in the opposite direction of Kent’s. “I should get going. Kent’s probably wondering where I am.”
Yeah. Right. I get here before he does most days, but Thad doesn’t have to know that.
“We don’t have to see a movie.” Thad’s relentless.
I’m flattered.
“It’s probably against protocol for us to date,” I say, glancing around.
It’s definitely against protocol for me to screw someone ‘on paper.’
“Who said anything about dating. We could hang
out. See what happens. No pressure.” Thad flashes a smile fit for an Abercrombie model. Dimples. Blindingly white. Perfect.
“I know what hanging out leads to…”
“One of these days you’re going to stop resisting me,” Thad says with a wink.
“Is that supposed to be charming because you added a wink to the end of a creepy statement?” I tease. “You know if one of my sex offender clients said something like that, he’d probably be sent back to prison?”
“Good thing I’m not a sex offender.” He winks again.
“Okay, that was extremely creepy.” I bat him away before stepping back. “I’m going to pretend this entire conversation didn’t happen, because I don’t know if I can look at you the same after this.”
“Good,” he says, walking backward. His coffee mug rests in his hand, full and untouched. “It never happened, which means I never asked you out and you never said no.”
I lift a brow, cocking my head and laughing and messing with my hair. I’m unsure if I should be nervous or flattered, but I’m definitely both.
He’s going to ask me out again. I think that’s what he means.
But I’m going to say no.
And I’m going to keep saying no.
I don’t want Thad.
I don’t want safe or boring.
I want excitement.
***
I get off work late Monday night. Kent sloughed off on paperwork all day and dumped it on me around four when I made the mistake of asking if he needed help with anything.
Rookie mistake.
Never say you’re bored at work. Ever.
I pass by a burger joint on my way home from work and pull into the drive. It’s dinnertime, and based on what I saw in Titan’s kitchen over the weekend, he’s subsisting off ramen, canned soups, and saltines.
Ten minutes later, I’m trekking up the steps to his apartment, a bag of warm food tucked into the crook of my elbow. I’m smiling for some crazy reason, but I wipe it off and wear a straight face the second I knock on his door.
The door swings open after thirty seconds, Titan standing there in his unbuttoned, grease-stained work shirt and dirty gray pants. He must’ve just gotten home.
“Hungry?” I hope up the bag.
He glances from me to the bag and back, scratching above his ear.
“What’s all this?” he asks.
I push past him, showing myself in and unloading everything on the table by his window.
“You don’t have any food here,” I say.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Ramen doesn’t count. You’re not a college student. You need real food.”
He seems annoyed. It wasn’t quite the reaction I expected. I probably shouldn’t tell him about the bag of fresh linens and towels in the trunk of my car…
We spent all of Friday night into Saturday morning between his cheap, scratchy sheets, and when it came time to shower, he had two thin towels I’m sure cost less than a cup of coffee each.
These are all things he needs.
He’s lucky I didn’t grab candles and wall art and mirrors and a clock like I’d wanted. His place is sparse with walls the color of dirt. It’s dingy. Depressing. He needs color.
“What, you think just because I fucked you again you’re my girlfriend now?” His hands hook his hips. He won’t come near me, though the scent of the burgers and fries fills the room. I know he wants to eat, but he won’t allow himself to even look at the bag.
“Stop being stubborn and come sit down. It’s getting cold.”
“You can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?”
“Pretend like you’re my girlfriend.”
“Stop being an asshole. Sit. Down.”
He stomps toward me, yanking out a table and dropping down. His double burger is small in his dirty hands, and he eats it in three bites.
“I knew you were hungry.” I throw him a smile and a nod.
“Don’t do this again,” he says.
“I can’t make any promises.”
“It’d be in your best interest to find yourself a new charity case.” He crumples the wax paper in his hand and shoves it back in the bag before jamming a handful of fries in his mouth.
“You eat like a heathen,” I tease.
“Old habits die hard.”
Countless prison documentaries mention dining hall culture. If the guys don’t wolf their food down, someone else will. It isn’t uncommon for fights to break out when one inmate steals food from another. The men have to eat quickly and get the hell out of there.
It’s heartbreaking to think of them as a bunch of hungry, junkyard dogs fighting for sustenance.
A week before Titan was released, I was searching in one of the hall closets. Okay. I was being nosy. I wanted to see what he looked like. His father had taken down all of Titan’s pictures in the house. Trying to talk to Lewis about Titan was like pulling teeth too. It was as if the word “Titan” was forbidden while he was away.
I came across an old scrapbook Titan’s mother must’ve assembled from when he was in high school.
Titan 1.0 was a track star. Class president. Clean cut. Clearly popular. His prom dates were beautiful and his smile was wide and carefree in almost every picture. If I had to guess, I’d say that Titan died the day his mother and sister did.
The man before me is damaged and bitter. Content to be lonely. He’s thorny and happily so. He thinks he doesn’t need anyone, but he’d be wrong.
We’re social creatures. We’re not meant to be alone, and we’re certainly not meant to go through life on our own.
“What?” Titan says, and I realize I’ve been staring at him.
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
He doesn’t believe me I’m sure, but he doesn’t pry. Instead he rises and treks to his bathroom. The door shuts and the water runs a minute later. He’s showering. My food is only half-eaten now.
I make an executive decision and run downstairs to quickly grab the bags of things I bought for him. I didn’t spend an afternoon at Target for nothing. He can take these things or leave them, but either way they’re his.
When I return, I fully intend on leaving the bags on the foot of his unmade bed and getting out of there, but he’s already done showering and standing in the middle of his apartment in nothing but a towel.
“What’s that?” he asks in a punishing tone.
“Just a few things,” I say. Only now am I realizing how silly this looks. “I was at the store yesterday, and I grabbed you some new sheets and towels. The ones you had were cheap, and they were having a really good sale.”
I can make all the excuses I want, but he’s not going to buy a single one.
He grabs the bags, peering inside and examining the contents before swiping them out of my hand.
“Goddamn it, Jordana.” His arms fall to his sides as our eyes lock. “Stop doing this. Stop being so…fucking nice.”
My arms cross. “Sorry.”
I don’t mean it. I’m not sorry at all.
I feel sorry for him though. If he’s too bullheaded to accept kind gestures, that’s on him.
“Do you realize how emasculating this is?” His face twists as he drops the bags to the floor. “Having some twenty-two year old Oprah-wannabe running out and buying me basic necessities like I can’t provide them for myself. I’m working, Jordana. I have money. I have a job. I have my own place. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m saving my money? I don’t need your handouts. If I want a goddamn burger, I can run out and get one. I don’t need you to take care of me.”
His voice booms, filling the small apartment and jolting my heart. I’ve seen him gruff before, but not angry. Not like this.
“I’m sorry.” I mean it this time. “I had no idea. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel like you’re less than a man. I thought I was being kind. I just wanted to help. I…”
My voice trails until my words no longer make sense.
“I should go.” I turn on my heel. A few more steps, and I’ll be gone. I’ll never bother him again. Clearly my gestures are unappreciated and misunderstood with him. It’s one giant waste of time.
Seconds before my hand reaches the knob, his arm catches mine. He pulls me toward him before backing me against a nearby wall.
“You want to help?” he seethes, burying his head into my shoulder. His minty breath is cool against my neck as his fingers tangle in my hair.
My heart pounds in my ears. I can’t speak, so I nod.
“Stop parading around here, trying to find excuses to come and see me. Stop offering yourself to me when you and I both know damn well you’ve got no business doing it,” he breathes. “I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to get caught up in some shit with you.”
He pulls away but cups my face in his hands. They smell like soap and the tiniest hint of grease. I pretend not to notice the way his tongue slips past the crack in his lips as he studies my mouth.
“I know I have no business being with you,” I whisper. “But I’m drawn to you. Over and over again and despite my better judgment.”
“You could lose everything if you’re caught with me. You know that right?”
“I know.”
I hang my head but he lifts it, forcing our eyes to lock.
“I enjoyed last weekend,” he says, straightening his shoulders and clearing his throat. “But we can’t. You and me? Not happening. Not in the cards.”
The empty, sinking feeling in my the pit of my belly gnaws me from the inside. That’s what it is. That’s why I seek him out. I feel empty. He fills me. Titan fills parts of me I never knew were empty.
Maybe it’s the allure, the danger mixed with excitement and newness. Whatever it is, I’m a moth drawn to his flame again and again.
I know full well it’s only a matter of time before I’m burned, but it’s a risk I have to take. Being with Titan breathes life into my bones.
He brings the buried parts of me to life.
“I’ve played it safe my whole life,” I say. “And my whole life, I’ve never really lived. I want to walk into darkness and not know what’s going to be on the other side. I want to do something that scares me for the first time in my life.”
“I scare you,” he says.
