“I saw my parents and their marriage, so I know all about the ugly side of it,” Mara admitted. “They held no real love for each other. I’m actually not certain what ever brought them together. They seemed more miserable than happy for as long as I can remember.”
“Marriage is pain,” Ardith said softly. “Life is pain. You can’t count on anything, and nothing ever turns out the way you hoped it might.”
“But marriage is also joyous if it involves the right people. Don’t tell me you didn’t share happy times with Levi,” Charity said, looking tenderly at Ardith. The girl had been like a daughter to the older woman, and Mara knew Charity’s love for Ardith ran deep. Charity even acted as grandmother to Winona.
Ardith stopped her stitches and grew thoughtful. “There were good times, yes. But there were bad times. A miscarriage. A death. Those things, put in the balance against the good times, are much more overwhelming.”
“Would you trade the time you had with Levi?” Faith asked softly.
Ardith picked up her needle again. “If it meant never experiencing this pain, then yes. Yes, I would wish I’d never met him.”
Again the silence permeated, invading Mara’s peace of mind. She wondered at these women. All had different outlooks on what marriage meant to them. The good and the bad, the difficult and simple, it all added up to leave its scars and memories for each one.
“I will pray that God will send you the right man,” Charity said to Mara. “I will pray it right now.” She stilled her hand and bowed her head. “Father, I ask for your mercy on this child. I ask for your blessing—the blessing of a husband and family. I ask that her heart might be strong enough to endure the things to which she will be called to face in marriage and motherhood. I pray too for Ardith. I ask that her pain might be lessened and taken away. That the joy of what you gave her in marriage to Levi might indeed be more precious … more lovely … more desirous than remembering the misery and sorrow. And I pray too for Dianne and Faith, that they might grow in love and hope through you and that their marriages might be strengthened and made joyful as they draw closer to you. Amen.”
“Amen,” Mara said with a smile as she met the older woman’s gaze. “Thank you. I suppose some would say I want what I’ve never seen or experienced. Some might think me a wishful thinker or a dreamer, but I need to believe that love is out there for me.”
Dianne nodded. “I’m sorry, Mara. I didn’t mean to imply that it wasn’t. I merely hoped to make you understand that it isn’t all flowers and laughter. It’s sometimes very hard. I just didn’t want you to go into it unaware.”
“I’m not a fool,” Mara replied. “I know nothing in life comes easy. What happiness I’ve known, I’ve fought for. Even living here with you—knowing love and the real meaning of family for the first time in my life—has been so wondrous. But it certainly didn’t come easy.”
They were all looking at her now, and Mara suddenly felt very self-conscious. Still, she couldn’t stop the flow of words. “All of my life I lived with lies. No one ever said what they really meant. They were hurtful and mean, self-seeking in every way. There were no birthday celebrations or Christmases like you know them. There was no compassion or sympathy. My father always said, ‘Sympathy is for fools who wish only to continue in their misery.’ I’m sure he felt compassion was the same.
“Living here with you, getting to know you and how much you care for each other … well, it’s given me hope. Hope to believe that God might someday allow me the same privileges.”
“And He will,” Charity said softly. “I believe it.”
“I believe it too,” Faith declared, and Dianne nodded slowly. Mara watched Ardith go back to her handwork. There would be no acknowledgment from her. The widow was still much too unwilling to give life another chance. Mara felt bad that Ardith should still mourn so deeply. She’d watched the sorrow separate Ardith from her child, and it made Mara uncomfortably aware of memories from her own past. Times when her own mother had hardened herself against her children. Mara vowed she’d never treat her loved ones in such an ill manner.
“So what kind of a man are you looking for?” Faith asked with a grin.
Mara was rather taken aback by the question. She thought for a moment, however, and offered an answer. “He would have to love God, first and foremost. He should be honest and trustworthy. Gentle, loving, good natured, good humored, and kind.” She looked up and smiled. “I think those are the most important things.”
“Those are all wonderful traits,” Charity said. She put aside her sewing and got up to stretch.
“Why don’t we rest and have some tea,” Dianne suggested. She, too, put aside her needle and thread and got up. “I have some cake for us as well.”
“If you’ll excuse me,” Ardith said, pushing back her chair. “I’m quite tired. I’d like to lie down before Winona comes home.”
“Certainly. Take your rest,” Charity encouraged. “When she gets back from playing with her friends, I’ll see to her.”
Mara watched the woman walk away. It could happen to me, she thought. I could end up a widow—a mother without a father for my child. I could end up alone and bitter … hopeless. The thought frightened her to the marrow of her bones. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to feel such loss.
“Are you coming?” Charity asked as she moved toward the kitchen.
Mara smiled and secured her needle. “Yes. I was just daydreaming.”
“Keep dreaming. One day, when you least expect it, your dream may very well come true.”
Mara laughed. “That’s what I’m counting on. I just haven’t found the right man to fit the dream,” she said as a knock sounded at the front door. Mara looked up, realizing she was the reasonable one to answer it. “I’ll see who it is.”
“Then come join us in the kitchen,” Charity said as she turned to go.
Mara smoothed down her blue calico print gown and touched her fingers to her dark hair. That morning she’d tied it back very simply with a blue ribbon that matched the color of the dress. It felt like everything was still in order. Without giving her conversation another thought, Mara opened the door only to be stopped in midsentence.
“Good after …” Her voice faded into silence.
The man standing on the other side of the door laughed heartily. She knew this man—not well, but nevertheless she knew him. She didn’t remember him being quite so tall—or so handsome. She saw his twin, Morgan Chadwick, from time to time, but Zane was often absent.
“Welcome, Zane,” she murmured and opened the screen door.
“How do you know it’s Zane and not Morgan?” he asked.
“You two have your differences—if you know where to look.” She immediately grew embarrassed at having answered so boldly.
He seemed amused. “Truly? You’ll have to elaborate someday and tell me your secret for figuring us out.” He peered past her into the house. “Is Dianne home?”
Mara could only nod. Up until now she hadn’t found a single man who struck her fancy. Up until now she hadn’t felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach and the rapid palpitation of her heart at the sight of a man. Up until now, she’d never considered Zane Chadwick as a potential mate. But that had just changed.
CHAPTER 4
ON FRIDAY, WORD CAME FROM COLE’S MOTHER THAT HIS father was near death. For Cole, the news was devastating.
“They’ve never seen the children,” he said, shaking his head. “I just never thought to make that trip to take them back. I always figured there’d be plenty of time.”
“It’s too far to up and go on a whim,” Dianne said, trying to comfort her husband. “Besides, we had the ranch to worry about.”
“Yes, the ranch kept us busy. Maybe too busy.”
Dianne cringed at the comment. Was this Cole’s way of condemning their former home and way of life? “I think,” she began, “we should see how close George and Jamie are to completing the cabin. Maybe once we’re moved back o
nto the Diamond V, you could take the train to Kansas and see your father.”
“Did you not understand what I read to you?” Cole asked, pushing back errant brown hair. “He’s dying. He may already be dead.”
“Which is exactly why you can’t go getting all excited about this and rushing into anything. He very well may be gone,” she said, trying her best to be sympathetic. Her biggest fear at this moment was that Cole would use this as an excuse to take her farther from the home she loved. “I just don’t think we should act hastily. Why don’t you send your mother a telegram and get more information?”
“She can’t afford to be telegraphing me back, and I can’t afford to waste any time,” Cole replied. “If this were your father, would you wait?”
She shook her head. He had a good point. If it were her family member, she’d move heaven and earth to be at their side. “No, of course you’re right. Why don’t you go back and—”
“We’ll all go,” Cole declared. “I want them to see the children.”
“But it’s an awfully long trip.”
“Not by train. The train will make it seem easy. You’ll see. I’ll go wire for tickets and a schedule. You get our clothes packed and ready everyone for the trip,” he said as he moved to take up his hat. “We’ll have one of our freighters take us to the station at Dillon, and we’ll head south from there.”
Dianne struggled to sound sympathetic. “I know you want your mother and father to see the children, but Cole, please hear me out. This isn’t the best situation to thrust upon the children. They might not be able to handle this.”
“Then we’ll help them handle it,” he said, looking her in the eye. “Dianne, I need you to help me through this.” His voice was low and soft, yet there was an undertone of pleading.
She nodded and went to him. She felt bad for the way she’d treated him. They held each other close for several moments. Dianne couldn’t begin to tell him the fear in her heart. What if they went back to Kansas and had to stay for an undetermined amount of time? What if they never came back to Montana?
She pushed the thoughts aside even as she pushed away from her husband. “I’ll let the children know. I’m sure they’ll be excited about their first train trip.”
“Thank you.” He turned to go. “I’ll arrange everything so that we can leave immediately.”
Dianne watched him leave, and her heart sank. She felt despair wash over her and threaten to strangle the breath right out of her body. It was bad enough to live in Virginia City, but at least it was only twenty-five miles from the ranch. Kansas was an entire world away. She blinked back tears and bit her lower lip to keep from crying.
The ranch is my home. I should be there now. In her mind she could see Koko and Susannah working around the house and grounds. She imagined Koko tending a garden and nurturing life out of the soil. She thought of Jamie, now nineteen years old. He had a real pride in working his father’s land. He loved working with the cattle and the horses. Especially the horses.
“Mama, what’s wrong?” Lia asked as she came into the room. “Are you sad?”
Dianne looked at her daughter and nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’m very sad. Grandfather Selby is very sick.”
“Is he gonna go live with Jesus?”
“I don’t know. He might,” she said, struggling hard to quickly rein in her emotions.
The boys came bustling in behind Lia. “We saw a man with a bloody arm,” Luke said in complete awe. John and Micah nodded. It was clear that they were as impressed as their brother had been.
“I have some news for you all,” Dianne said, hoping to steer their minds away from the image of violence. “We’re going on a long trip.”
“Back to the ranch?” Luke asked.
Dianne saw the hopefulness in his eyes. She might have started crying for real were she not worried about her children. She wasn’t often given to tears, and when she did cry, it upset the children.
“No, not back to the ranch,” she explained. “Your grandfather Selby is sick, and your papa wants to go back and visit him in Kansas. Papa wants his mother and father to see you children and know what fine little people you are.”
“How long will we be gone?” Micah questioned. “Who will take care of Barky?”
Dianne smiled down at her son. He was the only one of the boys with hair the same color as her own—a sort of golden honey wheat. Lia also had this same coloring, but on her brother it was most striking. “I don’t know how long we’ll be gone, but I’m sure Aunt Ardith will care for the dog. We’re going to ride the train.” She tried to make it all sound wonderful.
“The train!” the boys said in unison.
“A real train?” Luke asked.
“A real train,” she assured. “Your papa has gone to arrange the tickets, and our job is to get ready. We must wash up the clothes and get them packed so that we can leave quickly. You must also clean your room.”
The boys frowned. “Do we have to?” Micah asked.
“Yes. We can’t leave without having everything in good order. Now you get to work, and Lia and I will start the wash water.”
“We’re going on the train!” Luke said as they turned to head for the stairs.
“Will it be loud?” John asked.
“Real loud,” Luke confirmed as if he knew firsthand.
Dianne shook her head and smiled in spite of her broken heart. Her children were her life’s blood. They never failed to make her day brighter.
By evening everyone in the house knew of the Selby trip. Cole had returned with a schedule and confirmation of tickets. They would leave for Dillon the next day. It seemed too soon to Dianne, but she said nothing.
“We’ll be perfectly fine here. Don’t worry about us,” Mara said, trying to assure Dianne. “Ardith and I can manage everything. Besides, Faith and Malachi are just down the road and Charity and Ben are only a few doors down.”
“That’s right,” Charity said. “In fact, if it makes you feel better, we can come and stay with the girls.”
“I doubt anything would make me feel better,” Dianne admitted. She glanced over her shoulder to see that Cole was caught up in giving Ben the details of their trip. “I don’t want to leave.”
Charity patted Dianne’s hand. “There, there. By the time you get back, your cabin will be ready. You’ll have a new home.”
“It will be better than sitting around here,” Ardith said. “I keep thinking about Mr. Stromgren’s proposition to come to New York. Travel might well be the best thing for all of us.”
Dianne attempted to hold her tongue but couldn’t. “Ardith, please don’t go doing something foolish. Wait until I return before making any hasty decisions. Please … I need you to care for the house and for the dog.”
“I can’t promise. I have to do what’s best for my family—just as you have to do what’s best for yours.”
“Never fear,” Charity said in a soothing tone. “Ben and I will take care of everything should Ardith become determined to leave.”
“Thank you.” Dianne met the older woman’s loving gaze and nearly broke into tears. Charity had long been a motherly companion, and sometimes she seemed to be the only one who unselfishly supported Dianne in her hour of need.
Zane came in about that time with a young man that Dianne thought looked very familiar. Mara jumped up and ran to the man. “Joshua!”
Dianne watched the brother-and-sister reunion with some interest. Would Mara leave them now? If so, that would leave Ardith and Winona all alone in the big house. Perhaps Dianne could use this as an excuse to forgo the trip to Kansas.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Mara said, her voice breaking with emotion. “I’ve missed you so much. Why didn’t you write?”
“I couldn’t for a while. There simply wasn’t enough time. I was working one odd job after another and generally fell into bed every night more tired than the night before. After a while, I just lost track of time. Then when I found myself free enough to send word
, I wasn’t sure where you were. I wrote to Elsa, but apparently Pa burned those letters and kept her from seeing them.”
“Sounds like Pa. So what are your plans?”
“I’ve come back to stay for a time. I don’t know for sure where the Lord is leading me.”
Mara turned to Dianne. “Could he have a room here with us?”
All thoughts of using the departure of Mara and her brother as an excuse fled Dianne’s mind. “Of course.” She looked to Cole. “That would be all right, wouldn’t it?”
Cole got up and shook Joshua’s hand most enthusiastically. “It would be more than all right. It would be answered prayer. You see, I was somewhat apprehensive about leaving your sister and Ardith here alone.”
“Alone?” Joshua questioned, the confusion evident in his expression.
“I’m taking my family back to Kansas for a time. My father is dying, and we must leave immediately.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”
“Just call me Cole.”
“I’m glad to be answered prayer,” Joshua said with a smile. “I’ve been called a lot of things in the last forty-eight hours, but that’s not been one of them.”
“Well, be assured that’s exactly what you are. You can be the man of the house while we’re away. Now I won’t feel any need to rush back.”
Dianne opened her mouth in protest, then closed it quickly. Though she didn’t want Cole to think her unfeeling about his concerns or needs, the situation absolutely filled her with terror.
No need to rush back.
No need to come back at all.
Morgan returned to Virginia City with his hunting group the day after Dianne and Cole departed for Kansas. Zane greeted his twin with a seemingly casual indifference, yet each man knew he was happy to be in the company of the other.
“So how did you do?” Zane questioned after the other men had gone to clean up and rest.
“We got buffalo. That was what they wanted,” Morgan said with a shrug. He poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned back against the wall. “Mr. Stromgren couldn’t stop talking about Ardith. When we were here before the hunt, he heard her play the piano, and now he thinks she should move back East. He’s talking to her right now. He’s convinced she’s the kind of performer he needs to impress the high society of New York.”
Tracie Peterson - [Heirs of Montana 04] Page 4
