I passed through the always open gate, dragging my bag behind. Julie’s familiar laugh bellowed through the outside corridor. Before knocking, I peered into the window. There was a dinner party taking place. They were all howling over a story Sebastian was animatedly telling. I didn’t recognize some of the new faces. They were drinking wine and eating in the candlelit dining room. Julie got up to change a song on the stereo. As she moved closer to the window, I backed up, stepping into the dark. She didn’t see me and returned to the table. She sat down on the lap of a handsome guy, kissing him softly on the lips. He mouthed the words “Love you” to her and she did the same! Julie had always told me about all of her boyfriends! Who was this guy? I stared at the warm and intimate scene, realizing I no longer had a place there. I’ve never felt lonelier.
I picked up my bag and decided to walk home. Strolling Sunset Boulevard proved to be enlightening. I watched hopeful throngs of people desperately waiting to get inside Hidden. Why? I wanted to scream out at them across the boulevard, “You’re waiting to get into a room to sit next to the people you are standing next to outside!” I watched as a celebrity was rushed inside without waiting in line. Why? The people waiting in line were visibly frustrated. Meanwhile, there was an almost vacant lounge with a similar menu twenty yards away. It made no sense.
I continued down the boulevard that once seemed so exciting and attractive. Now it felt seedy and unappealing. Like a zombie, I dragged on toward my apartment. Once inside, I stared at my phone. It wasn’t ringing, and there were zero unread messages.
The solitude made me uncomfortable and I felt the need to self-validate. Okay, so four people aren’t talking to me. Who needs them? They aren’t my only friends! I called Presley. After several rings, she answered, “Hey, girl! What’s up?” In the background, I could hear loud voices and music.
“Hey! I was just calling to see how your New Year’s was.”
“Oh, so sweet! It was cool. From what I can remember, you know! Are you with B? You girlies should come out. Everyone is here!”
“No, she’s still out of town. I’m thinking of going out though. My New Year’s was okay, mostly just the—”
“Hey, doll. It’s really loud in here! I’ve got to jet. You bitches call me this week! Love you lots, babe!”
I decided that maybe sending a text was the way to go. Everyone was probably out and unable to talk. I sent a text to Sasha: Hey, Sasha! What’s going on tonight? Just got in from Vegas! Sasha answered: R U and B up 2 party? I replied: Just me! I’m down 4 sure! Sasha didn’t respond. I tucked the phone under a pillow and lay on my bed. It didn’t take a genius to realize that I was completely unwanted on my own. To them, I was “Bella’s friend.” Who I was as an individual would never be enough for them because there was nothing the others could gain from me. I had never felt so alone as I cried in the dark. I thought, Bella may be a shitty friend, but now she is my only friend. Maybe, when she sobers up, she’ll feel horrible about what happened. Maybe, in her own way, she was just protecting me from making a mistake with Jax. I was sure that when I picked her up from the airport, she’d have a reasonable explanation for everything.
chapter thirty
New Year, Nothing New
It was time to pick Bella up from the Vegas trip. A green light invited me to access the beautiful canyon. Turning up the music, I enjoyed the relaxing drive in her Mercedes convertible. The wind kicked up my hair and the warm sun felt comforting on my skin. Gotta love winter in Southern California.
Upon arrival at the private aviation lot, the large wrought-iron gates parted like the gates to heaven. Paparazzi and onlookers hoping to get a glimpse of something spectacular lined the perimeters, scrambling for a premier spot for stargazing. They paid me no mind. A small Learjet appeared and landed just as the convertible crawled up next to it, the car’s door parallel to that of the plane. The door of the plane slowly fell out, and Bella emerged. Adorned in one of her signature billowing oversized hats and dramatic sunglasses, she blew her signature three kisses to the mesmerized crowd. I rolled my eyes, still feeling slightly sour. As the photogs set off a shooting frenzy, the flight crew packed her multiple pieces of designer luggage into the trunk of the car. Bella took the pilot’s hand and gracefully entered the passenger side. I couldn’t help but wonder if her “act” was also intended for me. We barely greeted each other beyond polite half-smiles.
After several stoplights, it was Bella who broke the silence. “It was the Ecstasy. I would never intentionally hurt you.” She convincingly went on. “Men are just . . . bad habits, Lucy. And I am thinking, why don’t we kick all of our bad habits starting today? New year, new us!”
I looked at Bella through watery eyes. “All bad habits?” I had been thinking the same.
“And I also was thinking . . . we should have a nice, quiet dinner tonight and go over what you’ve shot so far, start to plan for the exhibit.”
“Really?” I thought about how much we’d both been through lately. Maybe we could get past it.
“Yeah, really.” We were back on and so was the plan! I was relieved.
* * *
“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” The twins sprinted through the house, jumping all over Bella as she dropped to her knees, smothering them in kisses. She hadn’t seen them in weeks and, as far as I knew, hadn’t called them either. They hugged Bella tightly. Although I had spent a great deal of time with their mother, I had hardly seen them.
An elderly woman made her way down the hall. Wiping off their hands with a washcloth, she said, “Welcome back, Miss Bella.”
“Thank you, Maria. You know what? I’m staying home all week so I’ll take the girls from here! Why don’t you take a paid vacation and do something special for yourself?”
Maria looked at Bella in disbelief and what I interpreted as concern. “Are you sure, miss?”
“Yes! Please, I’m their mother! I’ll take it from here. Thank you!” Bella counted out several hundred-dollar bills and stuffed them into Maria’s apron.
Later that evening, I relaxed in an overstuffed chair dressed in denim cutoffs and a T-shirt, flipping through the latest issue of Vogue. Bella came in, falling back on the adjacent chair. She yawned. “I forgot how exhausting those two are. They finally fell asleep . . .” Turning over to her side, she asked, “So . . . what do you want for dinner? Italian . . . French . . . Sushi?”
“Neither of us can cook any of that stuff.” I laughed.
“Oh please, like I was suggesting manual labor! We’re going out!”
“We can’t . . . You sent Maria home.”
“The girls are asleep. They don’t need anyone to watch them snore and slobber on my Egyptian cotton.” I was unsure whether or not Bella was joking.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Sushi sounds perfect. Let’s go to Soy!” Bella stood up, holding her hand out to me. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs and get pretty!”
I reluctantly stood up. “B, we can’t leave the girls here alone. It’s not right. Let’s just order in and have our meeting here.”
“I appreciate your concern over my children, but they are mine. You worry about me. I’ll worry about them.” As I followed her up the stairs, I thought about what she’d just said. You worry about me. I’ll worry about them. Was I supposed to worry about Bella? Who was going to worry about me?
As expected, Soy was packed. After an attack of flashbulbs, we were escorted inside to a small table in the back. Bella ordered a bottle of top-shelf sake and an order of edamame. We raised the tiny cups and clinked them together as Bella toasted, “To us!”
Surprisingly, Bella got straight down to business. “So, there are probably a few good shots but we definitely need to bust out some more to bring everything full circle.” It was as if she was talking just to have something to say. We had never discussed a vision or specific plan. I’d been shooting all along, but just in general, without direction. I was taking pictures of everything that I could, hoping that at som
e point the theme would just surface.
“I’m not sure what you mean. What I’d like to do is to paint a picture of your reality through portraits, some staged and others candid. But also close-ups on things that would fascinate people. Maybe the stacks and stacks of fan mail in the garage. To the average person that would be mind-boggling. Or maybe turning the camera on the paparazzi? That might be too cliché, I don’t know. But my point is, I want to show people the real you in a beautiful, artistic way, rather than calculated images that they would expect to see.” I mentally ran through the shots that I’d taken of her over the past month. They were all very staged and typical movie star fantasy photos. Not at all what I’d hoped for. I wanted to show realness. I didn’t want to be the type of photographer who created a false reality people felt they couldn’t live up to.
“Okay, so we need to show more of my real life.” I nodded, thinking she’d understood. “We could show me as a mother, in bed with the kids reading a book at night. That’s unexpected. Or a really cute apron in the kitchen type of thing?”
Excuse me? How could I tell Bella that this was not her reality at all? Tucking her kids into bed at night? Reality check: Your babies are forty-five minutes away and home alone right now. And we are forty-five minutes away because you don’t know how to cook anything but crack. I bit into an edamame bean and mentally crafted my response carefully.
During this contemplation, Rex Serravezza—a genuine rock star since the early nineties—stumbled to the table. He scooped his arms around Bella from behind and lifted her out of the chair. Had he done it to any other woman in the world, they probably would have cried for help. But not Bella; she loved being out of control and taken for a ride, literally. I followed them to a secluded room in the back. A rowdy rock-and-roll crowd had secured the cavernous private room. Bella sat on Rex’s lap and together they did a shot of sake. I shifted in a chair that was secluded from the rest. I felt out of place watching Bella and Rex flirt in their own world. There was no one for me to talk to. Everybody was deep in their own conversations or too busy getting shit-faced off four-hundred-dollar bottles of sake. What about our important discussion? It was quite some time before Bella peeled herself off Rex’s pleather pants and motioned for me to follow her to the restroom. I knew what that meant.
“Did he give you that?” I asked, pointing to a bag in Bella’s hand.
“Shhh.” Dipping her pinky into the bag, she offered a full nail to me. “Here.”
“What about the ‘new year, new us’?” I crossed my arms, backing away from Bella.
She took the bump and opened the door. Before she exited the restroom, she added, “Starting tomorrow. Don’t be such a killjoy, Luce. I’m getting tired of you tossing a wet blanket onto everything.”
She forced the tiny white plastic bag into my hand before leaving me alone in the restroom. I held the bag up in the fluorescent bathroom lights and crushed the soft white rocks between my thumbs. I swung the door open in a vacant stall and chucked the baggie into a toilet while simultaneously flushing with my foot. I couldn’t get rid of it fast enough. I glanced at my phone for the first time all night. It was nearly two in the morning. On a Monday. I returned to the private room where I found Bella draped over two other has-been rockers. They were all entangled, taking shots. I could tell that Bella was wasted.
“We should get back to the house, Bella.” She pretended not to hear me. “The girls will wake up in a few hours for school . . . and someone should be there.”
Bella shot a cruel look at me and snapped, “If you are so fucking concerned, then you go. Take the car.”
She reached into her evening bag and pulled out a valet ticket and a wad of cash before rudely throwing it in my direction. Money fluttered about. The rockers jeered and laughed at me. Humiliated, I picked up the ticket and headed out the door in disgust.
The sound of the alarm clock in Bella’s guest room woke me up. It was six in the morning. Although I had heard Bella come in a few hours before, I was pretty sure she wasn’t getting up to take care of the tots, hence my setting an alarm.
I stretched in the morning light, then jumped out of bed and pulled my hair back in a ponytail, securing it with an Hermès scarf I found lying on the dresser. I heard the girls giggling and running around upstairs. I had changed back into my cutoffs and T-shirt before I went to bed, so I was all ready to go. I rounded the corner to help the twins get ready for the day.
I was stopped in my tracks by a frightening sight. There, at the base of the stairs, lay Bella, still in the purple Bottega Veneta genie pants and asymmetrical brown leather jacket from the previous night. Her head and arms rested on the first two steps. I rushed to her side. “Bella!” I frantically called out. Panicked, I gently put my fingers to Bella’s neck, feeling for a pulse. I felt nothing. I moved my fingers closer to Bella’s ear. Still nothing. Bella pulled her head away, moaning, “Don’t touch . . . go away.” Two lines of powder were on the step, inches from Bella’s face. I could hear the children beginning their descent downstairs. I jolted upward, thinking fast. Hooking my arms through Bella’s, I dragged her around the stairwell. I opened the door to the closet under the stairs and left her on the floor. My heart was pounding as I closed the closet door with her inside. I swept up the powder residue from the stairs just before greeting the unsuspecting children.
“Hey kids!” Backpacks on, ready to go, the girls looked around.
“Where’s Mommy?”
“She had a meeting this morning! I’m going to take you to school!”
Clearly disappointed, the girls asked, “Who’s going to make our breakfast? Maria always makes us smiley waffles.”
“Well, your mom thought it would be special if we went to the McDonald’s drive-through today.” The twins gave each other looks of puzzlement that quickly turned into smiles.
“Alright! You ladies get in the Range Rover. I’ll be right out!” I scrubbed my hands in the bathroom and quickly left to shuttle the girls to school.
Returning from delivering the twins to safety, I raced to Bella’s house. I ran up the driveway at a full sprint, not knowing what to expect when I entered the foyer. The closet door was open. I tiptoed around the downstairs, desperate to find Bella, but for some reason feeling cautious. I sensed trouble. I peeked into every room and down each hallway.
“What was I doing in the closet?”
I jerked back, clutching my chest in relief. “Oh my God . . . You’re okay! Thank goodness, Bella! I thought . . . well, never mind what I thought. I am so glad you are alright!” I was overwhelmed by tears as I threw myself onto Bella. Bella, not being much of a hugger herself, did her best and lightly patted my back.
I joined Bella where she sat on the arm of an overstuffed chair.
“Where are the girls?” Her voice was husky, her face mascara-smudged. I had never seen anyone look so disarrayed. It was unnerving.
“At school,” I responded gently.
Bella nodded before unleashing an outpouring of tears. I consoled her by rubbing her back.
My mind was spinning. The whole scene felt way beyond my maturity level and emotional capabilities. When did things take such a drastic turn? Again! How did I get to this place? I looked at Bella—more than fifteen years my senior—and realized that she wasn’t larger than life at all. I didn’t look up to her, I didn’t want to be her, I wasn’t even sure if I would be her friend under any other circumstances.
“Whew! Sorry about that, Luce!” Bella pressed her manicured hands into her cheeks in an attempt to pull herself together. She grinned her super famous smile and even forced a laugh, but her eyes looked miserable. She couldn’t fool me anymore. “What’s on the agenda today? I just need to wash up and . . . I just need to . . . you know . . .” She struggled to find the right words that could turn it all around. I clenched my teeth and focused on my hands as I picked at my cuticles. “We can do a photo shoot today! What do you want to shoot? We can go to the beach, or . . .”
&nb
sp; That was enough to pull me out of silence. “Bella.” Our eyes locked, both weary and exhausted. “There isn’t ever going to be a gallery show. Let’s just be honest.”
“Of course there will be a show! Lucy—you are a photographer! A great photographer!” Bella put on her best act.
“Bella, you’ve never seen my work. Your support means so much and I am so thankful that you believe in me, but as kind as it is, it might be holding me back more than anything.”
“What are you saying? You want me to look at your portfolio? Let’s go get it!” Bella impulsively urged. She picked up a shoe by it’s strap from beside her with her left hand and reached out to me with her right.
Looking up at Bella, I thought back to the time when I was at Stefano’s house and he offered me coke, when Jax pulled me back into the limo away from my waiting friends, and how I so eagerly went along with everything Bella told me to do without question. I could no longer ignore that all of these circumstances were crossroads where I could go left or right and I consistently chose to go along for the ride, not examining my options at all but letting others choose for me. Through all of it there had been a small voice inside telling me that this was not what I wanted or needed. Yet I kept going with it because the intoxicating high of being somewhere everyone else wanted to be was too addicting. I had to start living my life with intention again.
I took Bella’s free hand in both of mine and held it close to my heart. “I can’t do this . . . It’s not who I am.” I concluded that I had become a paid companion, lured by the promise of my dream career. Pathetic on both accounts.
Bella dropped the fringed heel and put her hand over mine. “No, Lucy. Please don’t . . . You’re my friend . . .”
“And I always will be.” I felt a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Part of me couldn’t believe what I was saying, but deep down I knew that it was the right thing.
The Liar, The Bitch and the Wardrobe Page 23
