by Kailin Gow
Before I could say anything, Logan walked in. From the moment he saw us I knew that he was angry, that animal jealousy had been sparked within him. He drew in his breath sharply and gave Kian a long, hard stare. I could feel the tension building between them. They had developed a somewhat tenuous partnership in the period following my capture by the Pixie King; they had been forced to work together to save me, and they each bequeathed each other some measure of grudging respect. Even now, although I could see the hatred and anger bubbling in Logan's eyes as he watched the two of us together, he stood up straight, with a noble bearing that befitted his wolf-like nature, looking Kian directly in the eye.
“Your mother is looking for you, Breena,” Logan said stiffly. “I hate to drag you away...”
“No, it's fine,” I said hurriedly – then caught sight of Kian's face. He looked stricken. “I'll – I'll be right back, Kian,” I said, trying to show him my feelings through a weak smile. It was unsuccessful, and a lump rose in my throat.
I went over to my mother, where she was dancing in a corner with one of the Knights of the Winter Kingdom. When she saw me she blushed, then her blush turned into a smile. “Bree, darling,” she said. “How are you enjoying the ball.”
“It's beautiful,” I said. I smiled weakly at her. “But...”
“But what, darling?” My mother curtseyed at her dance partner and took me aside.
“It's going to be hard,” I said at last, breathing a sigh of relief as I said it.
“What's going to be hard, darling?”
I took my mother's hand. “Leaving,” I said. “Leaving here. Leaving all this. It feels like...”
“Home?” asked my mother.
“Yes!” I leaped up, overjoyed that she understood me. “Just like home! It's like – somehow – I never fit in, you know, in the other place. Gregory. The Land Beyond the Crystal River. Whatever you want to call it. I was always different. I was always strange. And I always felt out of place, like my soul belonged somewhere else and I just couldn't understand why. And then when all this happened...I don't know, Mom – it's like I finally got some answers. It's like I finally understood why I didn't fit in in Gregory. It's like I finally realized that I wasn't a misfit – I was just...not in the right place. And since coming here, despite the danger, despite everything...this is where I belong. It's in my blood. I'm a fairy – as much a fairy as a human. Maybe more so. And I don't want to leave all this behind.”
“Oh, darling,” she cupped my face with her hand. “I wish I knew what to say to you. I wish I had some way of making this easier for you. But...I don't. I only want to keep you safe and happy, and as long as you're unprotected there is nowhere in the Winter or Summer Court that is safe for you – not to mention the Pixies.”
“I know!” I cried. “It's just – it's not fair.” I felt so stupid saying it, like a small child, but it was true. It wasn't fair. I knew that my mother had offended Redleaf the Summer Queen, I knew that we would never be welcome in the court, and yet I couldn't deny that I was a fairy – just as much as any of the other fairies – and I belonged here. I didn't deserve to be expelled from my home just because of what my mother had done – as if I had any say in it!
“Life isn't fair,” said my mother. “We have to learn to get used to life's disappointments.”
But losing Kian was more than just a disappointment. At that moment it felt like Kian was my whole world, and to lose him was to lose a part of myself, to lose my sense of myself.
“I don't think I ever will,” I said. “Did you ever get used to losing Fra...my father?” It was still so strange to think of any man as my father. I couldn't even picture what he might have looked like. “Did you get over that?”
My mother's face darkened. “No, I didn't,” she said. “And I never will. But I have you, now. And I have a rich, full life – I love my job, my friends – most of all I love my daughter. And these things all make it a little easier. Every day that goes by I remember how much I love you. And...I might not forget your father, but I can live without him.”
I squeezed my mother's hand. It was time to go back to Kian.
But as I approached Kian and Logan, something held me back; I did not want to go further. I saw them standing next to each other, making small talk with obvious effort. But it was clear that the two of them were restrained only by politeness from leaping at each other's throats. I shuffled closer, unnoticed, so I could better hear their conversation.
“You think that she's better off here?” Logan was saying, his voice turning into a wolf-like growl as his emotions got the better of him. “Getting carried off by Pixies or thrown into the dungeons of the Summer Court? How selfish are you? Instead of letting her go away to Gregory, to be happy – to be normal again!”
“To be with you!” Kian spat. “Let's not pretend that your motives are entirely pure either, sir.”
“Well, sir, at least I'm not risking her life!”
“You are risking her happiness!” Kian grew louder. “And her destiny! She is the intended Queen of the Summer Court – she is its heir – and you wish to remove her from that, to torpedo her back into mediocrity just so that you can be by her side...”
“She's better off in Oregon. Who cares about her destiny? I care about her happiness more than you do. And we were happy, you know. Before you came along. Before you came along with your swords and your glamour and screwed everything up for her! If you know what's good for her you'll let her be. If you really love her as much as you say you do.”
Was I happy in Gregory? I wasn't sure. I was content, I suppose – my days walking through the woods with Logan, the calm of the afternoon sun – but I wasn't happy. I always felt that there was something missing in my life – and what was missing was Feyland, in all its beauty.
“Of course I love her!” Kian snapped. “And I'm convinced she feels the same way.”
Oh no, I thought. I didn't want to be dragged into this. My mother had told me to wait until I was sure of how I felt – well, I was sure, but that didn't mean I wanted everything to come out into the open. The Winter Queen's favor was tenuous at best, and I was sure that causing a scene was not the best way to get her to like me any better.
“Let her go, Prince,” said Logan. “You need to let this go, now.”
“She is my intended,” said Kian. “She was always my intended; she is my intended now. And nothing that you say or do can break that bond between us. Her love is the key to brokering peace between these two Courts.”
“But...”
“This is a fairy matter,” said Kian stiffly. “This does not concern you, Wolf.”
I could see Logan's brow furrowing with rage. He was about to turn into a werewolf; I could feel it. Emotions like these were too strong for even werewolves to control – and I dreaded the idea of a terrifying, gigantic wolf running loose through the party, shattering the gentle calm of the Winter Court Ball.
“Doesn't concern me?” Logan's voice was growing angrier and louder now. “What do you mean it doesn't concern me?”
“You are a Wolf,” said Kian coldly. “Your ways are not our ways. Your laws are not our laws. Your feelings have no place here in the Fairy kingdom.”
“How dare you!”
I could see the veins throbbing in Logan's neck; the blush of red anger spread like wildfire over his cheeks. I knew he was angry – and I knew he was not going to let Kian get away with insulting him. His whole body – lithe, strong, and muscular – was shaking with rage, as Kian regarded him with a cool and insufferable stare, filled with contempt. Kian was a prince, after all – and like the rest of the Winter Court he knew how to make his enemies feel small and insignificant. I hoped then that Kian would never turn that anger and rage towards me.
“We in the Wolf community,” said Logan, shaking even harder now, “do not take kindly to insults, Prince.”
And I could see his body prickling, bending over, ready to spring into the fearsome guise of a wolf. I could not let th
at happen at the Winter Queen's Ball – for my safety and my mother's, I did not want to incur her wrath!
“Logan!” I cried out, my voice flying like an arrow through the air. “Please – Logan – don't do this, don't get mad, please!” I rushed to him and put my arms around him, trying to comfort him. “Shh...shh...Logan – control your temper, control it, please calm down.” I wanted only to soothe him, to make it easier for him. I wanted him to calm down and return to his human state before the Wolf in him overtook him. I held him tightly and tried to stroke his arms, to slow his heart rate.
To Kian, it looked like something far worse. I could see the pain lick at his eyes as he stared at me, at us, at my arms around Logan.
“Kian...” I tried to explain, my voice trembling with tears. “Wait a second...”
He could not stand the pain any longer, and he turned away from me.
“Bree...” said Logan, squeezing my hand. He wasn't helping.
“Kian!” I said again, but it was too late. Kian had already begun striding off down the corridor. “Wait – please!”
“I see how things are,” said Kian, with impossibly coldness. “I understand now, my Princess. You have made your choice.”
And he walked away – too quickly and decisively for me to catch up with him.
“Bree...” said Logan again, cupping my face with his hand.
I couldn't help it; my anger overcame me. “Don't talk to me!” I snapped, and I returned to the party alone.
Chapter 14
The festivities continued on, even as my heart felt as if it were made out of molten lead. I could feel the pain within my chest – as real and palpable as if it had been physical. This was fairy love, I thought, a magic so strong that it could affect the body in this way. I thought of my mother's face when we spoke of Frank Foxflame and I wondered whether she too suffered in the same way, whether maybe these feelings weren't exclusively fairy-born. My eyes were red; I tried to hide my pain beneath my mask but I felt that the shame and agony I felt were too great to be swept away or minimized. My pain was too great for me to bear, and far too great to hide. Everyone at the ball would see my eyes and know how I felt. I felt exposed, naked. I didn't want these inter Knights to know that one of their rival royal leaders was just a sixteen-year-old girl in love. I wanted to go somewhere safe, somewhere where I could be myself.
I went to my mother.
I searched for her among the twirling bolts of fabric – the voluminous skirts – silver, then gold and white like ivory, the most beautiful colors I had ever seen mingling together in fairy dances. I kept my eyes out for my mother's dress, my mother's mask, my mother's face. I couldn't find her anywhere.
“Mom?” I called out softly, but my voice was obscured by the throng of voices chattering gaily as they danced.
I made my way through the ballroom, but there was no sight of her. She was not in the antechamber, either. I swallowed and kept looking. “Mom? Mom – are you there?”
She was not by the buffet table – a sumptuous feast of delights that far outstripped anything I'd ever tasted in the mortal realm, even Logan's tasty tortilla cooking – nor was she in the hallway. Finally I caught sight of Shasta and Rodney, who were dancing together at one end of the ballroom, their smiles radiant even behind their masks.
“Shasta!” I said, somewhat uncomfortably. They were cradling each other on the dance floor, lost in their ecstasy and their love, and I really wasn't in the mood to disturb them.
“What is it, Bree?” said Shasta, not altogether welcomingly. I don't think she was in the mood to be disturbed, either.
“Have you seen my mother?”
“I saw her,” Rodney broke in. “The Winter Queen took her aside – down into the study.”
A lump rose in my throat. The Winter Queen – taking my mother away? Was she going back on her promise to let us go – was she going to renege on her agreement, and hurt my mother? I knew the Summer Queen would have been ready to order my mother's execution on a moment's notice – I didn't trust the Winter Queen to be much better.”
“I've got to go,” I said, and dashed off in the direction of the royal study.
“Mom!” I cried out, visions of my mother's torture and execution flashing through my head. “Mom!”
I burst into the study.
“What have you done with my mother?” I cried out, almost breaking the door down in my intensity. “Where is she?”
I heard a gentle chuckling. When I had calmed down, I looked around the room, and realized where that chuckling was coming from. The Winter Queen was sitting peacefully upon a stool, a cup of tea in her lap. And my mother, looking perfectly composed and certainly in no mortal danger, was sitting next to her, laughing gently.
“Darling,” she said. “I'm all right. You don't have to worry.”
I stood awkwardly in the center of the room.
“I'm sorry,” I stammered. “Your Highness – I'm sorry. When the Knight said you'd taken my mother away, I thought...”
“Really, girl,” said the Winter Queen, with a hint of disdain mixed with amusement. “What sort of monster do you take me for?”
“After all that's happened...” I tried to explain. “I know the Summer Queen wanted her dead – and I...I know she was a hostage here...”
“Really,” said the Winter Queen. “You didn't need to worry – not one bit. You see, my dear child, your mother and I were just catching up. We are getting too old to dance the night away as we did in our youthful days – I was only one hundred ten when I first learned the Fairy Waltz! So we thought we might retire to a more private, quieter setting, away from all these...sprightly children...and catch up. Like old friends.”
“Like old friends,” I repeated, my eyes darting from my mother to the Winter Queen and back again. I realized then how comfortable they looked with each other – as if they knew each other well. As if...they were friends.
And then it struck me. The Summer Queen had fooled me, in an effort to convince me to leave the Summer Court. My mother had never been in any real danger – she had gone willingly as a hostage precisely because she knew that the Winter Queen would treat her well. She had understood the Winter Queen's plight – her daughter imprisoned by the Summer Court – and had wanted to help free Shasta from Red leaf’s tower.
“Friends?” I said again.
“Yes, darling,” said my mother. “You see, I know that the Summer Queen and I have had our differences. But in the days before the war, the Winter Court and Summer were far closer than they are now. And I made great friends with the Winter Queen. Kian was born about the same time you were, and you played together as children, and so she and I became close, too, bonding over our love for the children we had borne. I was lonely, you know – life as a concubine in the Winter Court was difficult for me. I was treated with respect because I was the mother of the heir to the throne, but I was never fully accepted. I was an outsider – and those loyal to the Summer Queen thought me a threat and an insult to have in the house. But...the Winter Queen – Silverbeech – always treated me kindly.”
“The Winter Court has always been welcoming to outsiders,” said the Queen. “At least we were – before the war. And yet I could not find it in my heart to blame Raine for the War – when she had never been part of Summer Court policy. When my husband was killed in battle, it was Raine who comforted me – despite Redleaf's orders to stay as far away as possible. Your mother is one of the kindest women I know, Breena. As for Frank Foxflame – well,” she smiled bitterly. “The real story is that it is the Queens that run Feyland. My husband is dead; the Summer King bends to the will of his wife. That is the way of things.”
“I wish we had more of that over in my world,” I said, half-joking. I was awestruck by the Winter Queen's power and beauty. She possessed that same regal form, that same icy yet kind poise, that had so attracted me to Kian. I tried to remind myself that she was my enemy, that as a Summer Princess I was bound to see her only with mistrust and
hatred, but I could not.
I came over and sat down next to my mother.
“Now, we must be boring you, darling,” my mother said. “Go off – enjoy the party! Go dance!”
I wanted to dance – dance with Kian's arms wrapped tightly around me, to close my eyes and lose myself in the gorgeous strains of the Fairy Waltz. I could not concentrate.
“Of course,” I said. “If Her Highness gives me leave.”
“Dance, child,” said the Winter Queen. “Dance the night away – for the night is still young.”
I tried my best to dance the night away, but I found such things difficult. As I gave my hand to one and then another of the Winter Knights, hoping to forget Kian's kiss in the arms of the other dancers, I could feel Kian's eyes piercing through me, their flame-tinged ice searing through my soul. Every time I curtseyed or took a fairy's hand – every time I did a twirl on the dance floor or clapped at the end of a song, I could feel Kian's reaction, his anger, his love.
I didn't want to fight with him. And yet I could not promise him what I most wanted to give – my love, the promise that I would stay with him in the Winter Court, that I would throw caution aside and be with him.
Shasta caught up with me after one of the dances.
“You've had an interesting night,” she said, coldly.
I shrugged. I didn't want to talk to her right now.
“What do you think you're doing?” she said again, louder. “First you tell me that you're in love with my brother – then I see you kissing Logan all through the woods – now you show up here and think you can waltz back into Kian's life – and then you break his heart again! I won't let you hurt my brother, Bree...”
“It's not what you think,” I stammered. But how could I explain?
“Please,” said Shasta. “You've been messing with my brother's head – what more do I need to know?”
