by Amy Davies
“Jay phoned.” I take a deep breath. “Dex snatched the phone off him and begged me to come home. But before you start, I told him to ‘fuck off’ in a roundabout kind of way. You know why I can’t go home. I need to know for sure how he feels.”
“But babe, you won’t know until you talk to him face to face. I am pissed at the man, but he needs to know how you feel. How he made you feel at the time. Every fucking time. He is a cunt bag, I know, but he needs to know about this.” I sigh, because I know she is right. Dammit.
“I know. Bollocks.” I sit on the sofa and Lauren sits next to me.
“This can’t stay hidden forever you know.”
“I know,” I say again. Lauren works in advertising and is married to a fantastic man called Joseph, and they have the sweetest little boy ever. His name is Alfie and he’s four. I met Lauren when I pierced Joe’s dick. Lauren has a thing for pierced men; just like me. Again, the thought of Dex makes my chest hurt. I take a deep breath and swallow down the ache.
“Come here.” She pulls me to her but I wince in pain when she touches my new tattoo. “What the hell?” She nudges me forward a little to see what I have had done. “Holy shit, that is beautiful. When the fuck did you have that done?”
“Yesterday,” I tell her as she takes in the details.
“Okay, I get the tattoo gun. Dex, right?” I nod my head and bite my lip. “The family tree… No clue, babe; or the three hearts.” I take a deep breath and explain.
“The family tree is to remind me that I do have a family. Not blood, but a family nonetheless. As for the three hearts, they represent Jay, Dex and me. I have left room so more hearts can be added in later.” I look down at my knotted hands. Future hearts will be added, but I’m not sure when.
“Well, babe, it is lush. Now, how about we watch some films and have some wine? Haha, well, I will drink the wine for you.”
“Ummm, don’t you need to get home to Joe and Alfie?”
“Nope. The man is taking the boy to his gran’s, and like fuck am I going there unless there is a legitimate reason to go. I am not a fan of self torture.” She winks at me. I know that Lauren only likes her mother-in-law in very small doses, which makes me laugh. The things that Lauren says…
“Okay, bitch, let’s get this film-a-thon going. I need some girl time before the beasts come here to pick me up.” I giggle and sit back, careful of my sore tattoo.
Lauren makes things easier, because she helps me forget the pain. But she also helps me understand the things running through my head.
I will get through this huge bump in the road if it kills me. They say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, well I have to firmly believe in that at this moment in time.
My head has been in an ‘Addy fog’ since I spoke to her on the phone. Jay is still refusing to tell me where she is. I have been on edge and feel like I will explode. I have been snapping at friends- and even clients- which is not fucking good at all. But fuck it. I want her back here where I can see that she is safe. I have to see her. Jay keeps telling me that she is fine. She is in a good place and that she will come back when she is ready. But they don’t fucking understand that I need her to be ready now. I am a selfish bastard, it is something that Fiona always used to throw at me before she died. I stomp into Castle Ink and ignore the two lads sitting on the leather chairs waiting for fuck knows what.
I need coffee or brandy. Fuck no! I shake my head at the thought of wanting to drink again. I can’t do it. Not again. Jay and Liam would kick my arse. I stomp over to the coffee machine and hit the button. Jay and Luke have been here for a few hours with clients being booked in early. I open the cupboard and take my favourite mug out and wait for the coffee to brew. It is the mug that Addy had made for us one Christmas. It says ‘Captain Twat’ on it. I chuckle when I look at it. But also, my chest aches. My feelings are bittersweet when I think of Addy; because I want to love her, but I think of my love for Fiona as well. I know that she is gone but she will always be with me.
“Hey, Dex.” A sweet voice comes from behind me. I turn to see Penny standing there, fucking glowing with her pregnancy. Liam is one lucky bastard for catching her; they are the perfect little family. The family I wanted with Fiona. I love kids and we had wanted a house-full.
“Sit,” I tell her and pull out a chair. She smiles and takes the seat. “Do you want a drink or anything?” I ask.
“A water would be great, thank you.” I nod and open the fridge door and get her drink. I walk over to the table and take the seat opposite her.
“So, what’s up? Have you figured out that I am sexier than Liam and you want to be with me instead?” I wink at her, making her laugh.
“You wish, Dexter Castle.” She winks back. She is such an awesome woman.
“Okay, so what’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in on you. See how you are doing,” she tells me, with no pity on her face. Can I tell Penny everything? Maybe she can help me sort through my shit.
“I miss her,” I start.
“I know. We all do. So what are you going to do?” Damn this woman is straight to the point and takes no shit from us boys.
“I tried talking her into coming home so we could talk. I asked her to meet for coffee but she flat out refused. I have no clue where she is, Pen. I don’t know what else to do except wait until she comes home. If she comes home.” I rest my elbow on the table and bury my head in my hands, taking deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. The thought of Addy never coming home is killing me. My mind is fucked up. One minute I want her to come home and be with me, but then other shit filters through my head, making my feelings get all mixed up like they have been thrown into a food blender.
“She will come home, Dex. She has to. Just give her time. You need to remember that you hurt her pretty bloody bad.”
“Just give it to me straight why don’t you. Pen, she has been gone for months. Fucking months. That is way too long for her to be away from everyone.”
“You, you mean?”
“Yeah. Fuck, what the hell am I doing, Penny? Every time I think of Addy, Fiona pops into my head. And then everything gets messed up. I know I have hurt her in the past and I am scared that I will hurt her again. I can’t keep doing it to her.”
“Dex, can I say something that might piss you off?” I nod my head. Dread filling my empty stomach. “You cannot love a ghost. Fiona is gone and is never coming back." I go to speak but Penny puts her hand up to stop me. "Don’t say anything, let me finish. I get that you loved her with everything you are, Liam has told me. But what he also told me is that Addison has always loved you and was always there for you. But you brushed aside her feelings for Fiona. Addison is here. Addison is alive. Addison is in love with you. Do not throw that away. Do you honestly think that Fiona would want you to never move on? To never love again? You were both young when everything happened. Bloody hell, Dex, you are thirty years old. You are still young. Get the girl and have a family.” She takes a breath and lays a hand on her tiny bump. “Before someone else does. She is a beautiful, talented young woman, who will be snatched up in no time.” She smiles smugly at me. I know what she is doing, but fuck if it doesn’t make my blood boil at the thought of some prick touching what is mine. Fuck. Is she even mine?
“No fucker is having her but me.” She stands, smiling at me.
“Good. Then get it done.” She leans in and kisses the top of my head. “Bring her home, Dexter.” With that she walks out of the room. Who would have thought that, that little woman would have balls of steel to tell me how it truly is. She is one hundred percent right. But her words made my heart skip so many fucking beats I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack. It was beating so fast against my chest I was wondering if she could see it. I lean forward and rest my head on the table in front of me and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my over-beating heart.
I meant what I said to Penny. No fucker is having her. It makes my blood boil to think of
another touching her, tasting her, having her under them. The feel of Addy’s body pressed against mine is one of the most amazing feelings ever. What I had with Fiona was completely different. She made my body sing, yes, but Addy, fucking hell my body burns with desire. Thinking about her touching me makes my dick jump. It is true that Fi would kick my arse for living like this. She would want me to move on. She adored Addy when she was around. It was my feelings for Ads that had me pulling back. How can a man love two women at the same time? Love? Where the hell did that come from?
I take a deep breath and wait for the guilt to settle in, but it never comes. I wait some more, but nothing. No Fiona flashing in my head, no racing heart. Fucking hell. What the fuck is happening to me? Could it have been Penny’s straight-laced words that sorted my heart out? Well shit. I don’t think she has sorted me out one hundred percent but it is a start. Jumping up I run out front to see my brother. I run to his room but it is empty, fuck. I keep the pace up and see him at the front desk with Luke and some chick I haven’t seen before.
“Jay, I need your phone. Now,” I demand.
“Why?” he asks, looking at me with narrowed eyes. Fuck, he looks like our dad when he does that.
“Because I really need to speak to Addy. Please, Jay. If you do this I will never ask you for anything ever again. I swear it.”
“I don't think it's a good idea, Dex. You can't keep hurting her.”
“You don't think I know that? I need to do this, Jay.” He frowns at me, the indecision clear on his face. I nod my head.
“Why can't you let her be? She seems happy.”
“She didn't sound happy the last time we talked, she sounded sad. Jay, bro, please,” I plead with him. He must see the desperation on my face because he cautiously hands me his iPhone. I let out the breath I was holding. Fucking hell, this isn’t me at all. Acting like a chick and getting all breathy and shit. “Thanks, man. I swear I will be good. I just need to talk to her.” I go to take the phone from him but he doesn’t let it go.
“You make her cry again and I will kick your arse from here to Kingdom Come, do you hear me?” I nod.
“I hear you.” I go to walk away but I feel someone snag my wrist. I look at who has it.
“Hey, handsome. What’s your name?”
“None of your business.” I pull my arm out of her grasp and walk out of the studio. No other woman will ever meet up to Addy. I just need to convince her that I want her. I walk over to the bench on the other side of the road and watch as three boys play in the small patch of grass. They are playing rugby, running with the ball and tackling each other. I remember me, Jay and Liam playing rugby and football when we were younger. BH is a great place to bring up kids, I could see my kids running around causing havoc like me and Jay did. Little Addison’s running around beating the boys up. I chuckle to myself and look down at the phone in my hand. I am getting way ahead of myself now. Fuck, she won’t even speak to me, let alone let me near her enough to get my kid in her belly. I open the phone and look for her in the contacts and without hesitation, I click on her name. My breath gets stuck in my lungs as I wait for her to answer. She answers after four rings.
“Hey, Jay,” her sweet voice comes through the phone.
“It’s not Jay,” I say, praying like fuck that she doesn’t hang up.
“Dex,” she whispers my name, but she also hasn’t hung up on me. Score.
“Hey, babe. How are you?”
“I’m okay. You?”
“I’m okay, too. So what have you been up to?” I ask.
“What do you want, Dex?” She sounds reserved, which is not my Ads at all, but I have made her this way.
“I wanted to talk to you. I am not going to pressure you into coming home. I get it, you need time away from me. I hurt you pretty bad, huh?” Silence greets me. I hold my breath again and wait for her to answer me. I am sticking to what I said; I am not forcing her to do shit all anymore. This will be on her time.
“Okay.”
“Yeah? So how have you been?” I eagerly ask her. I sit on the bench crossing my ankles.
“I have been good. Work is work. There are only so many whiny bitches who want their ears pierced. Then the hard man who wants a Prince Albert but then chickens out when they see the needle.” There is my Ads. But I am fucked off that she is seeing other men’s dicks.
I know, I know it is her job but who gives a fuck. It should be only my dick she sees.
“Yeah, Jay did say you were a traitor for working in a new studio. Are they treating you okay?”
She chuckles and answers me, “Yeah, I’m in a new studio, but it is only part-time because…” She stops and my Spidey senses kick in.
“Because?” I ask.
“Nothing. They are treating me good. Mike is amazing, so is his wife Wendy. They have like six kids, mostly around my age. How have you been?” I love that even with all the shit that has happened, we slip into our so-called easy friendship. But it isn’t a friendship I want with this girl. I want it all. But the words don’t come easily to tell her that.
“That’s good, babe. I’m glad that you have them there. I wish it was me.”
“Don’t, Dex.” Shit.
“I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t do anything to pressure you and I’m not. I just really want us to try and get past this. So much has happened and we need to overcome it, Ads.”
“Get over it? Are you serious? Dex, way too much has happened, things you don't even know.” She abruptly stops talking.
“Like what? You have to talk to me, Addy. You can’t keep cutting me out. Are you that okay with not having me in your life anymore? Well, I can fucking tell you, I’m not. I hate that you are not here with us. With me.” I take a deep breath. “Ads?”
“Dex, I don’t know what you want from me. You can’t be with me. You told me that I will never have your heart because it belongs to Fiona. I can’t fucking compete with a ghost for fucks sake. I can’t.” She whispers the last words.
“Baby. Listen to me. I-” The words get stuck in my throat again. Fuck. After a beat, she speaks.
“See. I can’t compete. You're not ready for what's next, Dex. Sorry.” I can hear the tears in her voice as she hangs up on me. I bury my hands in my hair and grip it. I fucked up again.
Why the fuck couldn’t I just say the fucking words?
I am a total twat. Just like my mug says.
Will I always screw up with the women in my life? I failed Fiona and now I am failing Addy. I couldn’t save Fiona the night of the crash. No matter how many times they told me there was nothing I could do, I didn't believe them. I am now failing Addy by hurting her every time we talk. I am what’s keeping her away from her friends; from Jay and Liam.
I stay unfocused for fuck knows how long. It’s Liam who pulls me from my dark thoughts of Fiona and Addy.
“You alright, mate?” he says from beside me. I shake my head.
“Nope. I fucked up again.” I lean back against the bench and look at Liam. He had been a friend for years and had gone through some tough times of his own when he had been on the road with a band, but it was Knox that helped him through it. His son made him be a better man. Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to have a couple of kids by now.
“What happened? And don’t bullshit me, tell me everything.” So I do, I tell him every word that had been spoken between Addy and me.
Instead of yelling at me for fucking up again, Liam looked me in the eye and I knew that what he said next would resonate with me, would change things.
“Every woman was sent here to fucking try us, man. But every relationship deserves a second chance. You and Addy haven’t had a first, so my plan would be to get that first and fucking keep it. Don’t let ten years go by like I did with Bambi.”
Fucker knows what to say. He is a wise old wanker now that he has his little family.
I need to get Addison Cole, and I intend to keep her.
Sitting in yet another Doctor’s appointment, I survey
the room. I hate being here, without him. The room is filled with pregnant women at various stages in their pregnancies. Some of the men are sitting proud as day sitting with their pregnant woman, others just really don’t give a shit and haven’t looked up from their phone yet. I look at one girl who cannot be much older than eighteen, the young lad sitting next to her is holding her hand and his knees are bouncing like crazy. I look from her to him and back and she smiles at me, sensing that I can work out his nervousness. Bless him, but at least he was man enough to step up. Hopefully he will stay by her and be a good boyfriend and dad. A pang of jealousy hits my chest as I sit here with my tiny, fifteen-week baby belly and wishing like fuck that Dex was with me.
I know some people will hate that I have kept the pregnancy from him, but I honestly don’t think he is ready for this. I am not one of those girls who forces a man to be in my life just because we have a baby. He is still grieving Fiona and I can’t make him want me. He has to want me for me. Maybe I should take Lauren and Joe up on their advice. They told me to try and build up a relationship with Dex over the phone and figure out where his head's at. I did a lot of thinking, and seeing these couples around the room makes me miss him more. I run my hand over my little bump and pray she is okay today. At my last scan the Doctors noticed that the baby was a little on the small side even at this early stage, but they did assure me that the baby’s weight will go up and down.
Our baby. I never thought I would be a mum. My childhood wasn’t exactly the best, but I will do right by this baby. She is now my entire world; with or without her dad in it.
“Addison Cole.” Someone calls my name. I pick my bag up off the floor and walk towards the door where the nurse is standing waiting for me. The worst that could happen, happens, when Liam and Penny walk through the door the same time I go for the handle. Penny gasps and looks down.
“What the fuck? Ads?” Liam says, looking between my face and my baby belly. I bite my bottom lip to stop it from trembling.
