by Martha Carr
The men looked at him as if he was too dangerous to be in charge. Louie clutched the stones in his hand and held out his arms as he shrugged. “Again, this class trip was not my idea.” He slid the small stones back in his pocket and clapped his hands together. “Now, here comes the hard part.”
A loud collective groan went up from the men.
“Yeah, I feel the same way but we’re here and we’ve already been through Ricky’s rock slide and John’s dry retching. The ore is close gentlemen.” Louie turned to lead them further into Dead Man’s Crawl but stopped abruptly and turned. “Just in case I’m the one who dies on this little trip, which means we all die, tell me why this ore is so important to the rest of you that you’d follow me straight into hell to get it. It’s precious on this planet, not on yours.”
The men looked at each other, not saying a word till the tall runner spit out some blood from an earlier fall, clearing his throat as he stepped forward.
“Okay, that’s dramatic.” Louie leaned back on one foot, waiting.
“There’s one thing that unites both our worlds. Something we have in common. Greed. We know about the gates and in just another generation they’ll start to open. Magic will pour in and the balance will tip away from us.” The man waved his arm, chopping the air. “None of us are prepared to become second-class citizens on our own planet.”
“So you need ore to buy our services.”
“Money talks, everything else walks,” The man said, holding his head high despite the smear of dirt down the side of his face and the long tear in his cammo jacket.
“I appreciate you holding on to your dignity like that in these surroundings. I mean, that’s what matters at a time like this, am I right?” Louie looked at them, barely disguising his disgust. “What happens if Elves or Wizards or Gnomes stop caring about your precious ore?” There’s something else. I can see it on their sweaty, sunburned faces.
No one would look at him and the spokesperson had backed up till he was shoulder to shoulder again with the others. “Alright, I get it. Courage is a tricky thing. Sometimes it burns out pretty fast. Well, gather it back up again, men! We’re on the last leg and about to set out. Stay close, as usual. Who’s last in line? Calvin’s back there. Call out every two minutes Cal, no more than that so we know you didn’t disappear on us. Okay, let’s go!”
Louie pulled his sword out of its sheath on his back and felt the hum shake his hands as he held it out in front of him. The men backed up from him until Calvin pushed from the back and they followed him into a narrow passage too tight to go more than one man at a time and in places, they had to shimmy sideways. Louie got out his wand and held it in front, letting the blue light shine forth to light their way in the total darkness. “Nobody afraid of small places, are they? Keep it to yourself at this point. We’re in it deep, men!” His shout echoed in the narrow chamber. This is fucking bad. I may have to take a break for an entire month after this.
Louie’s head rocked back as a familiar wave of foul air rolled over him, making his eyes sting. Same smell from before. What the hell on Oriceran can cook up a stench like that and still call itself alive? He crept forward holding out the sword and slid the wand into the pack on his back, the light still shining from it. Can’t leave them by themselves. That’s a definite no. They will just have to come with me. Louie’s heart was beating faster as the sword grew warmer in his hands. Shit is just up ahead. Literal shit. The smell grew stronger and Louie looked back for a moment at the sweaty faces behind him in the glow from the wand. They had come this far and there was a chance that smell was the worst part. Fuck this day.
They came to the antechamber where the ore was the easiest to find and piled into the larger space, grateful to be out of the closeness of the passageway. Louie stood in the center, his sword still out in front of him, listening for any sound at all this deep into the mountain. “Quiet! Quit moving around!”
The air was still and every muscle along Louie’s back and arms was tense, waiting for something to happen.
“I don’t hear anything,” whispered Calvin.
Louie gave it another thirty seconds, finally lowering his sword. “Guess I’m a little jumpy too, gentlemen. We appear to have made it to our destination without loss of limb or life and I don’t mind telling you now, I did not see that happening.” Louie pulled out his wand and shone all over the walls, lighting up shining black stones jutting out from the dirt. “There is your precious ore. Careful though, don’t be in such a hurry. Those edges to the stone are razor sharp and will cut your hands into ribbons. You’re going to have to dig around them and let them drop into your bag. Nobody said robbing a planet was going to be that easy.”
The men got out folding shovels or spades and set to work, grunting and swearing as they dug. A rock the size of his palm came loose and plopped into one of the men’s backpack. “I got one! I actually fucking got one!” He dug faster, his enthusiasm building, dreaming of the riches and the magic he would be able to use. His shovel slipped down the sleek side of one of the rock, slicing open his finger. “Aaaah! He dropped the shovel, clanging against the ground and grabbed his finger, applying pressure.
Louie looked up, the stench filling his nostrils again. “Everybody stand back…”
It was all he got out as a long tentacle reached out of the darkness, wrapping itself around the man, winding its way up his torso and whipping him backwards, splitting him in two as he opened his eyes in surprise. He came apart with a loud pop and a crack. The tentacle dragged off the bottom half leaving the top half to stare lifeless back at them, the entrails hanging out in the dirt like fleshy rope.
Calvin retched in the dirt and the others turned round and round in the center, backing away from the darkness where the tentacle had emerged.
Louie held up his sword and took a deep breath. He was always at his best in moments like this one where death was far closer than actually getting back to his home.
He felt the sword start to vibrate and gave into it, turning and swinging in the opposite direction, cutting away at a tentacle that unfurled itself into the light. The red, meaty flesh fell to the ground of the cave as liquid oozed out of it, sizzling as it made contact with the dirt. The men all shifted, coming behind Louie as they stepped over the monster’s limb, most of them holding up their shovels as a makeshift weapons.
Duck! Louie crouched down instinctively, wondering where the command was coming from as a tentacle flew over his head and wrapped itself around the runner, crushing his head and pulling his entire body back into the depths. This is fucking bad.
Louie stayed crouched down, the rest of the men following his lead but still looking more like prey than warriors. A tentacle whipped out again and Louie caught the edge of it nicking the long, deep red appendage, lined with round, sucking, puffy flesh down the entire underside. The tentacle bucked as the sword made contact, coming down on top of a backpack that was still strapped to Calvin and lifting him into the air.
“Get it off me! Get it off me!” Calvin struggled to work his arms out of the backpack as the fat tentacle came down to wrap itself all the way around him. He slid out just in time, falling back to the ground, flattening himself against the earth as his backpack zipped into the darkness at remarkable speed. Calvin stayed where he was hugging the dirt, pressing the side of his face as hard as he could against the cave floor.
The tentacle immediately unfurled again as the stench grew in the room, coming out a different side of the cave, slicing another man open and dragging only pieces of him into the darkness.
Is there more than one of these fucking beasts or is this just one big motherfucker? Roll! Louie rolled to the right as a series of tentacles came sliding out grabbing two men around the ankle, sliding them through the dirt as they clawed at each other. Louie ran forward and sliced at a tentacle, only managing to save one of the men. The other let out a scream, his voice getting shrill until it ended in a watery gurgle in the darkness.
“That cou
ld not have been pretty.” Louie held out his hand to the man he saved, kicking the tentacle away as he examined the red welts along the man’s skin. “I thought it had you…”
Louie was whipped around, the muscles in his arms tensing as the sword swung of its own accord. Louie hung on for dear life as the tentacle came at his face and he sliced it right down the middle. The acid dripped down, burning Louie around the ankle.
“How many goddamn arms can one goddamn monster have? Come on, we have to get out of here!” He dragged Calvin by the collar as he scrambled to his knees, crawling behind Louie and the other man ran ahead of them to the narrow passageway.
Just as the man got there a tentacle reached out and grabbed him, twisting his head off his shoulders as it rolled across the ground like a hard ball and Louie jumped over the body and into the passageway. Calvin climbed over the body and pulled in his foot just as the tentacle appeared again, wrapping itself around the head and lifting it into the air, the mouth still hanging open.
Louie held out his sword, not sure what direction the beast may come from as he whispered, “Light the way.”
Calvin was hiccupping wildly, trying to take in air and stay on his feet as they clambered through the passageway. “Looked hic like hic octopus arms hic from the ocean.”
“Yeah, well somebody should let it know that it’s a few miles off course and to get the fuck out of here.”
Louie felt the warm air hit his face and moved faster, finally bursting forth into the sunlight with Calvin right at his heels. “That was fucking bad.” Louie held out his sword still, not sure if the danger was over and rested his other hand on his knee, trying to catch his breath. “At least I got one of you out of there.”
He looked up at Calvin who was holding his throat, smoke coming between his fingers. He peeled back his hand to show a red welt that was burning a hole through his throat. He reached out to Louie as his face reddened and his throat continued to smoke, stumbling over his new hiking boots and tripping over the edge. His arms pinwheeled through the air as he fell backward toward the Conca and the waters below. By the time his body hit the bottom the sound barely reached Louie where he stood, his hand still out to grab Calvin, his sword still raised.
“I did not see that coming.” He straightened up, his eyes wide and ran his hand through his hair, turning around in a circle to see if anything else was about to happen. He pulled up the leg of his pants to check his ankle and saw that the magical tracking device had saved most of his skin and was burned to a crisp. He nudged it with the sword and watched it fall to the ground.
“I’ll say it again. That was one big, badass motherfucker. What the hell? I lost them all, got no ore and still have to go back by the Gnomes and the Kilomeas just to report my failure. On the bright side, I have some gold left and no one tracking me. Shit, they may think I’m dead.”
The stench wafted out from the passageway as Louie made his way down Dead Man’s Crawl, making a lot better time. He got to the entrance to the Gnome’s cave and saw that his ankle was swelling. Great, now I’m the fucking prey. He ran past the entrance, not willing to stand there and negotiate while his ankle got worse and hoped no one would notice.
“Hey, someone’s trying to get past without paying!”
“I’d know that high-pitched whine anywhere,” muttered Louie as he took off at a run. Something jumped down past him as he raised his sword, ready to fight his way out of there.
“Don’t kill the one friend you’ve got in this world!”
“Ronnie! Mother of the oceans, am I glad to see you!”
“I can see that.” Ronnie put himself between the herd of Gnomes hustling in their direction and Louie held out his arm. “Not another step, Sigfried or I’ll tell your wife about the last two moons party at the Green Vines Pub. You too, Liam. I know about your little fetish and I’m happy to blab about it if you keep harassing my best friend, here.”
“You’re friends with a Wizard! Against your own kind!”
“Give it a rest. You guys are just bored and were going to chase him till he was winded enough to puke. You’ve done it a thousand times.”
Sigfried gave a low chuckle. “That is a good one. Fine! We’ll let him stroll out of here but just this once. Next time he pays or pukes!”
“Deal,” said Louie, the pain growing in his ankle.
“See you at the next family dinner, Ronnie?”
“Not sure I can make this one. Pretty packed calendar. I’ll stop by soon.”
Sigfried waved his arm, annoyed but shrugged as they all turned to go back to the cave. Ronnie turned his attention to Louie, concern on his face. “You okay?”
“Nope. Today was one of my less fortunate scavenger days. Big, hairy monster with long flesh-eating tentacles ate the crew I brought. Well, except for Calvin. He took a flight off the cliff.” Still have some gold, at least.
Ronnie leaned down and looked at his ankle. “That’s gonna leave a mark. Woof.” He stood up and let Louie lean on him as they made their way down the path.
“What the hell are you doing out here anyway?”
“Jackson keeps coming by looking for you. He had that Leira chick with him. Do you know that’s his kid?”
“No shit! Jackson with a kid…”
“Yeah and she can capture light inside a stone! You know what that means. Hey, you’re getting heavy. Oh, yeah…” Ronnie snapped his fingers. “Jackson said to tell you, it’s go time. Said you’d know what that means and then he did the usual threatening me if I didn’t keep it to myself routine.”
“He said it’s go time? You’re sure?” Louie did his best to pick up his speed, hobbling along.
“Yeah, why that mean something?”
“Yeah, that means something. We need to move it.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
Hagan walked up the steps to his bungalow, whistling as he brushed a few leaves off the steps. He opened the door calling out, “Rose, I’m home! Something smells good! There you are, I’ve got a little extra time today before I have to be back at work.” He followed her down the front hall and into the kitchen. “How about you stop stirring whatever that heavenly smell is coming from and come sit down here with me. Come on. I have a few things I need to tell you.” He tapped the top of their old formica and wood kitchen table as it wobbled. “Meant to fix that already. Hang on, I can fold up a napkin under the leg.”
Rose reached out and laid a warm hand on top of his and looked into his eyes, smiling. “Just tell me, Felix. It’ll be okay.”
Hagan smiled nervously and sat back, still holding hands with Rose across the table. “It’s a doozie, Rose but I had to wait for clearance before I could tell you anything. Just came through. That’s why they gave me the extra time today. I told them it was just getting to be too hard to go out on these adventures and not have you to tell them all to. Well, not all the details. I had to agree to leave out whatever they decide is classified.”
“Take a breath, dear.”
“Right. You see, this is why I needed to fill you in, Rose. Like the old days when I was still a homicide detective. Who knew that would look so innocent and simple? Okay, here goes. You trust me, right? Well, I work for the federal government, that part is true. But it’s kind of a black ops division that most people will never hear about if we do our jobs right. We’re tasked with keeping magic a secret for as long as possible while protecting the US interests in the whole thing. Kind of a big deal. Let me show you.”
He held out his phone to Rose and ignored that she was looking at him as if he had finally had the long awaited stroke from too many doughnuts. The video played showing Yumfuck and Leira’s eyes glowing and the virtual screen.
“One of the people I work with, Lois put this together. You’d love her. Great gal. Also a Witch.” Hagan pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his forehead and wiped his mouth. “She’s willing to stop by if you need some direct proof so you don’t have to worry I’ve lost my marbles.” Hagan took a deep breath. Almost
home with this one. “And Leira Berens, my partner of a number of years now. Well, it turns out she’s a human being of course, a fine one. But also a mixture of a bunch of other things that are really out there magically.” His voice got louder as he talked. “I’m still not really sure what the hell is going on there. You doing okay? Okay, well there’s more.”
Rose rose out of her chair and leaned forward, kissing her husband on the forehead before settling back in her chair, leaning her chin in her hands, hanging on every word.
“There was this bad guy named Rhazdon, who turned out to be some ancient woman…”
***
Yumfuck perched on Mara’s shoulder watching as she clicked on the mouse, altering pictures to show the troll water skiing, and another with him walking a red carpet. The troll cackled as he jumped up and down on her shoulder.
“This ought to do it. Frankly, I don’t even think this part of our plan is necessary anymore. Whatever you said to that reporter seems to have done the trick. Not one word about you anywhere on the web except for the bar brawl of course. Blake Johnson even took down all the different photos he had of you. Still…” Mara made another one with Yumfuck posing with the Kardashians. “…if we can get people to believe it’s all photo shopped and fake news then we don’t have to worry about this at all. This was a good idea you had, little furry dude.”
“Make that one my Facebook profile picture,” he chirped.
“You have a Facebook page? I told you to stay off my computer when I’m not here. Leira will have my hide.” Mara typed in Yumfuck Tiberius Troll and found a picture of the troll smiling too close to the camera. “Not your best selfie. What the hell? You have almost a million followers. I think I have a total of thirty-four friends, you little asshole.” She plucked the troll off her shoulder and put him on the desk where she could see him. “You’re a worldwide phenomenon! Alright, I’ll change your profile pic. Why not? This will only help us convince people it can’t possibly be true that a tiny little magical swearing creature from another world is actually real and living in Texas.” Mara shook her head, brushing her long hair off her shoulder. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all. Oh look, your last post got a thousand hits. You posted a picture of a doughnut that looked like Ed Sheeran. Yeah, I can see that. Oooh, they’re asking for a plushie of you. I wonder if we could figure out how to make their dreams come true.”
