Diary of a Drug Fiend

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Diary of a Drug Fiend Page 66

by Aleister Crowley


  “But you are ill, Cyril!” cried Sister Cybele. And in truth the boy could hardly stand.

  “Action and reaction are equal and opposite,” explained Simon Iff, cheerily. “You will sleep, Brother Cyril, and you will then pass seven days in meditation, in one of the high trances. I will see to the extension of your leave.”

  “There is a meditation,” said Cyril firmly, “given by the Buddha, a meditation upon a corpse torn by wild beasts. I will take that.”

  Simon Iff acquiesced without comprehending. He did not know that Cyril Grey had understood that the corpse of Douglas was his own; that the perception of the identity of himself with all other living things had come to him, and raised him to a great Adeptship.

  But there was one to comprehend the nature of that initiation. As Cyril walked, leaning on the arm of Sister Cybele, to the room appointed for his prescribed solitude, he beheld a great light. It shone serenely from the eyes of the Mahathera Phang.

  Household Gods

  A COMEDY BY ALEISTER CROWLEY

  [Privately printed in 1912]

  to leila waddell

  SCENE

  THE HEARTH OF CRASSUS;

  AFTERWARDS THE LAWNS, THE WOODS, THE LAKE, THE ISLE.

  CHARACTERS

  CRASSUS, a barbarian from Britain.

  ADELA, his wife, a noble Roman lady.

  ALICIA, a servant in the house.

  A STATUE OF PAN.

  A FAUN.

  HOUSEHOLD GODS

  THE SCENE is at the hearth of CRASSUS, where is a little

  bronze altar dedicated to the Lares and Penates. A pale

  flame rises from the burning sandal-wood, on which CRASSUS

  throws benzoin and musk. He is standing in deep dejection.

  CRASSUS.

  Smoke without fire!

  No thrill of tongues licks up

  The offerings in the cup.

  Dead falls desire.

  Black smoke thou art,

  O altar-flame, that dost dismember,

  Devour the hearth, to leave no ember

  To warm this heart.

  I see her still

  Adela dancing here

  Till dim gods did appear

  To work our will.

  The delicate girl!

  Diaphanous gossamer

  Subtly revealing her

  Brave breast of pearl!

  Now she’s withdrawn

  At dusk to the wild woods,

  Mystic beatitudes

  That dure till dawn.

  Let life exclaim

  Against these things of spirit,

  Mankind that disinherit

  Of love’s pure flame!

  [He bends before the altar and begins to weep.]

  Ye household gods!

  By these male tears I swear

  That ye shall grant this prayer.

  All things at odds

  Shall be put straight

  Harmonised, reconciled

  By some appointed child

  Of some far Fate!

  [A curtain has been drawn aside during this invocation, and

  ALICIA advances. She smiles subtly upon him; and, giving a

  strange gesture, makes one or two noiseless steps of dancing.]

  ALICIA.

  Master still sad?

  CRASSUS.

  These faint and fearful shores

  Of time are beaten by the surge of sense,

  Love worn away – by love? – to indifference.

  Who knows what god – or demons – she adores?

  Or in what wood she shelters, or what grove

  Sees her profane our sacrament of love?

  ALICIA.

  I saw her follow

  The stream in the hollow

  Where never Apollo

  Abides.

  So thick are the trees

  That never the breeze

  Stirs them, or sees

  What satyr inhabits the glen, what nymph in the

  pools of it hides.

  Lighter of foot

  Than a sylph or a fairy,

  Sinuous, wary,

  I passed from the airy

  Lawns, where the flute

  Of the winds made tremulous music for man.

  I followed the ripple

  Of the stream; I crept

  Where the waters wept

  The floss in the foss

  Gurgling across

  The bosses of moss,

  Like a dryad’s nipple

  In the mouth of Pan!

  CRASSUS.

  O pearl of the house! you came to the end?

  ALICIA.

  The dusk of the slave, the dawn of a friend?

  CRASSUS.

  Freedom is thine for the skill and the will.

  ALICIA.

  The skill is mine, but the will lies still,

  Still as the earth that dare not stir

  Till the kiss of the sun awaken her!

  CRASSUS.

  Yet at these secrets and riddles? Behold!

  I can fill thy lap with a harvest of gold.

  ALICIA.

  Yet all the gold you could give to me

  Would fall at my feet when I rose to be free.

  CRASSUS.

  What will you then?

  ALICIA.

  No gift from men.

  Of my own free will I give you wit,

  (O man so sorely in need of it!)

  And happiness; and the flame that hath dwindled

  On this dull hearth shall be rekindled.

  But this you must swear:

  To will, and to dare,

  To seek the spirit and slay the sense;

  And for this hour

  To give me power

  To lead you in silent obedience,

  Though I bade you fall on your sword....

  CRASSUS.

  Enough!

  I give my life as I gave my love.

  ALICIA.

  O! love you have not understood.

  You have not guessed its secret food.

  You have not seen its single eye;

  But fear and doubt and jealousy

  Have risen, and now your love is trembling

  Like a mountebank dissembling

  When his trick’s detected. Come!

  To find home we must leave home.

  CRASSUS.

  Starless and moonless, hidden in cloud,

  The night’s one flame of pearl.

  ALICIA.

  The bat flaps; the owl hoots aloud.

  CRASSUS.

  Lead on; I trust you, girl.

  ALICIA.

  You are bold to trust me; or, have you divined

  My secret?

  CRASSUS.

  No; the crystal of your mind

  Shows only faint disturbing images,

  Things passing strange, as if enchanted seas

  Kept their great swell upon it, and strange fish

  Played in its oily depths. Some monstrous wish,

  The shadow of some unspeakable desire,

  Strikes my heart cold, and sets my brain on fire.

  ALICIA.

  Learn this, as we pass through the portico:

  Fear nothing; there is nothing you can know!

  And by these terraces and steps that gleam

  Wintry, although the summer night is hot,

  This what we seek is never what we find!

  Life is a dream, like love; and from the dream

  If we may wake, we never find it what

  We would; for the wisdom of a mig
htier mind

  Leads us in its own ways

  To a perfected praise.

  CRASSUS.

  Why are these shadows thrown across the lawn

  From the elms and yews? They were not wont to reach

  Beyond the branches of that copper-beech.

  ALICIA.

  Attend the dawn

  Of an unknown comet, that shall come

  From the unfathomable wells of space

  Into its halidom.

  CRASSUS.

  I know it not. Last night I walked alone

  Here, and saw nothing.

  ALICIA.

  I was not with you!

  There is no God upon the eternal throne

  Of stars begemming the bewildering blue

  Unless one has the eyes to see him. Think

  How we two stand upon the brink

  Of nothing! Here’s a globe, whereto we trust,

  No larger than the smallest speck of dust

  Or mote in the sunbeam is to that sun’s self,

  And we are like dead leaves in autumn’s whil

  Of wind upon it.

  CRASSUS.

  Mystify me, girl!

  It is the right of an elf.

  Surely your flickering fire

  Will draw me to some mire!

  ALICIA.

  Here the stream dips its mouth into the wood.

  So does youth’s calm and chaste beatitude

  Touch the black mouth of Love, the ancient whore.

  CRASSUS.

  Girl! what a scorpion leaping from your lips!

  ALICIA.

  My mouth stings as no scorpion ever stang.

  in this round impudent smiling face of mine

  There is a poison fiercer than all wine;

  And from these eyes more subtle sorrows pour

  Than you can dream. These teeth have been at grips

  With gods; I have sung what no girl ever sang.

  These ears have heard

  An insufferable word!

  CRASSUS.

  What do you mean?

  ALICIA.

  The secret’s in a kiss.

  Here are no kisses. Here great Artemis

  Rules; only in the woodland may a man

  Hide his eyes from her, pledge himself to Pan.

  Come! through the tangled arches

  Of cypresses and larches,

  Stoop; under Artemis we walked upright;

  But this is Pan’s home, and the House of Night.

  [They enter the wood.]

  CRASSUS.

  So when I stoop, my cheek comes close to yours.

  Give me a kiss.

  ALICIA.

  The poisonous apple lures

  Thus the boy’s mouth. Beware!

  CRASSUS.

  O you are fair!

  Fairer than ever! In this tangle of trees

  Your hot breath wraps you in perfume.

  ALICIA.

  There is some gloom or doom,

  A bitter harsh ingredient

  In these my sorceries

  Of animal scent.

  CRASSUS.

  Yes! there is fear mixed with the fascination.

  It is the reverence that chastity, be sure!

  Gains from the impure.

  ALICIA.

  O virtuous nation!

  It is the fear of the uninitiate

  Before the throne of Fate

  The hierophant.

  CRASSUS.

  Kiss me, however!

  ALICIA.

  Did I grant

  This favour, all were lost. It is your truth

  To Adela that tempts my youth.

  [Henceforth Alicia shakes with silent laughter.]

  CRASSUS.

  What little breasts you have!

  ALICIA.

  Ay, maiden breasts!

  Would you betray my oath?

  CRASSUS.

  My will contests

  My wishes.

  ALICIA.

  Wait, and you shall surely see

  Part of the secret that ensorcels me.

  See all these bosses! It is not

  As if a Titan smote himself into the earth,

  And was caught into her, made one with her?

  CRASSUS.

  The scent is fierce and hot

  Like a rutting panther’s slot.

  Yet you are matched with mirth,

  Shaking each other like two wrestlers.

  ALICIA.

  What should stir

  Your melancholy but laughter?

  CRASSUS.

  Look, before us

  Light streams, a tremulous chorus.

  Oh, it is vague and vacillating!

  ALICIA.

  Love,

  Young love of maidens, is the soul thereof.

  And in the midst, behold, O man!

  The image of great Pan.

  CRASSUS.

  I fear him.

  ALICIA.

  Go and lie there, at his feet.

  Lie supine! Lie on that moss-covered root,

  While I draw forth the flute

  And make a marvellous music.

  [She ceases laughing and begins to play.]

  CRASSUS.

  O I writhe

  Beneath the force of lips, of fingers lithe

  That touch the delicate stops so delicately.

  ALICIA.

  Hush!

  I have drawn the bird from the bush.

  Pan will appear anon.

  CRASSUS.

  Ah! Ah! ... Ah! Ah!

  ALICIA.

  This music moves you. Now I’ll play a tune

  That would make mad the melancholy moon.

  This.

  CRASSUS.

  Ah! you tear my soul out with the trills.

  Your fingers play like summer lightning on the shaft.

  It is like a storm on the mountains when it shrills;

  Like the angry sea when it booms. Hark!

  ALICIA.

  Some god laughed.

  CRASSUS.

  Your mouth is like some god’s It burns and blooms

  With fire unheard of, with unguessed perfumes.

  O let me kiss you!

  ALICIA.

  So you stop my song!

  [She ceases the tune.]

  CRASSUS.

  There is another song.

  ALICIA.

  You do me wrong.

  For you love Adela!

  CRASSUS.

  By God, girl, no!

  I love Alicia.

  ALICIA.

  Ah! you love her SO! [She laughs]

  CRASSUS.

  Your laugh is shocking; why do you mock me, dear?

  ALICIA.

  Because you will not guess my secret here.

  But put your arms about my neck, and swear

  You love me, and will always keep them there.

  Then I might dare.

  CRASSUS.

  I swear it. O my sweet!

  ALICIA.

  Then take my kiss.

  CRASSUS.

  Your mouth is like a rose of fire. But what is this?

  I cannot bear it.

  ALICIA.

  Ai! Uhu! Uhu!

  It is my heart; this arrow strikes me through.

  Stir not one muscle for a moment. Death!

  You beast, you kill me with your urgent breath.

  CRASSUS.

  O how I love you! [He moves violently.]

 
ALICIA.

  Fool! Now all my pain

  Must be gone through again.

  It is sure your chastity’s unstained by crime;

  You do the wrong thing just at the right time!

  CRASSUS.

  Why do you taunt me? All the wood is spring’s,

  And love is hovering o’er us with his wings.

  ALICIA.

  Sub pennis, penis!

  CRASSUS.

  Hush! you break the spell.

  ALICIA.

  Oh! you great fools of men, I know you well.

  But nothing is so detrimental

  To love as to be sentimental.

  I will yet make you wise.

  Know that I have the magic to disguise

  Myself in many ways. Do you feel this?

  (Lie still, this heaven were ruined by a kiss!)

  I am a butterfly, such idle flitting

  As to a flower like you is fitting

  Now I’m a mole. Do you think you know me now?

  Here is the earthworm severed by the plough.

  CRASSUS.

  You are a witch. I want your love; you give

  Only love’s comedy.

  ALICIA.

  The way to live

  Is to find comedy and tragedy

  In everything. But if you cannot see

  Through to the Bacchanal spirit, this should suit.

  Here is the blacksmith hammering a flute.

  CRASSUS.

  Oh love, love, kiss me!

  ALICIA.

  I will forge a ring

  Of bloom of blood-kisses upon your neck,

  Till it is like a garden of roses in late spring.

  CRASSUS.

  “Soft, and stung softly, fairer for a fleck.”

  ALICIA.

  O marvellous nation!

  Vanity, dullness, slobber, and quotation!

  CRASSUS.

  Why do you love me if you scorn me so?

  ALICIA.

  Why, did I say I loved you? I say no.

  CRASSUS.

  Why do you make love?

  ALICIA.

  To beguile the hour;

  To crown my rose-wreath with a greener flower

  To do my master’s bidding, that’s to give

  Life to yourself, who only think you live.

  But listen! Have you seen the nine waves roll

  Monotonous upon the shoal,

  Rising and falling like a maiden asleep;

  Then with a lift and a leap

  The ninth wave curls, and breaks upon the beach,

  And rushes up it, swallowing the sand?

  I am that ocean.... Now, you understand?

  CRASSUS.

  Alicia! O! this is unbearable.

  Surely this wave washes the shore of hell!

  ALICIA.

  Each follows each

 

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