by West, T J
Both of my friends are waiting for me to say something. “He’ll never forgive me, Faith. He won’t,” I manage to say.
“You don’t know that,” Faith answers.
“I do,” I look up at her with my blurred vision. “You should have seen his face. He was so angry.” My voice fades. I’m on the verge of crying again.
“Listen to me,” Faith firmly tells me. “I’ve been on this rollercoaster with him for the past year and there is one thing that I have learned...with Danny...when he loves someone, he loves them hard. He’s stubborn to a T and gets angry, spins out of control when something or someone gets in the way. He reacts first, before he thinks. Maybe what you and Wayne decided to do wasn’t the best choice, but I believe it worked.” I scoff, knowing the decision to fake a relationship was the worst thing I could ever had done to anyone I care about. I am so naive. “Unfortunately Danny doesn’t see it that way. He’s caught up thinking you and Wayne did this to hurt him, but we know that’s not true. He’ll figure that out soon enough. I know he’s not easy, believe me I know, but he’ll come around.”
If only I can believe that. “That’s the thing. I don’t think he will come around,” I shrug. “I lied to him. Whether or not it was about helping him, I still lied. That’s where he draws the line.” I explain to June what Wayne asked me to do, even though I was totally against it from the beginning.
June gets down on her knees and plants herself in front of me. “Well, Danny will be a true asshole if he doesn’t forgive you. I love the guy, but he needs to grow the fuck up if he can’t see what’s right in front of him.”
“What’s that?”
“That you love the hot-pocket, guitar player,” she smirks. “He would be a fool not to listen to your side of things.”
“June’s right,” Faith agrees. “He needs to listen. If he doesn’t, well….it’s his loss.”
“But I don’t want that!” I argue. “I don’t to be his loss. I want to be his his triumph, his happiness - someone who he can rely on, and I want him to be that for me as well.” I pause, shaking my head. I am so disappointed in myself. “I’ve lost so much; losing my parents, my self-worth and self-respect. Being with Danny has given me a piece of what I want for my future...he’s given me hope.”
I AM GUTTED. SEEING WAYNE’S text pop up on Harmony’s phone was shocking. I never meant to look at the text, but it was right there beaming at me when I woke up. What happened with me and Harmony last night was epic, I felt on top of the world. However waking up to the woman who I thought was my everything, turned out to be a total ass fake. I have the worst fucking luck on the planet. Everyone seems to be a liar; they love to drag me into their lies and try to say they were protecting me or trying to help me. When is it ever going to stop! I must have some sign tattooed on my forehead saying - TARGET, hit me with your best lie. I am drowning in a pool of people I can’t trust and I have no idea what to do about it; my mother, Wayne, Harmony - fuck! Why did Harmony do this to me! She ripped my heart out and has completely ruined me for anyone else.
I am seriously fucked up.
I skipped rehearsal and went straight to Whiskey Flats. Yeah, the paps were there waiting for me as I headed inside the bar, but as always I ignored the shitheads. Immediately I ordered a beer and a couple shots of something stronger. How come I always find myself drinking when things get tough? I should really try to take up yoga. Nah, I think I’ll stick to my alcohol. It’s worth getting drunk and finding a really hot ass on your lap; kissing the back of your neck and putting her hands down on your junk. I wasn’t even hesitant to grab her ass and make out with her. I needed to forget about Harmony, get her smell off me, her taste. I needed someone to make her go away. I didn’t know who the hell this girl was, but I was having a good time until there was a tap on my shoulder. I flicked, whoever it was away and kept kissing the girl. God she felt like sex in my lap, her pussy was waiting for my dick to attack.
“Hey, sweets, I’m Wayne.”
What the fuck?
“Holy shit, Wayne!” The girl squeals and quickly jumps out of my lap and into Wayne’s arms. “This is definitely becoming my favorite place to hang out in!” I roll my eyes and take a chug of my beer. I keep my back facing him. I don’t want to look at him. He’s the last person I want to see. “Have a seat, will ya?” The girl offers.
“Right now babe, I need to talk with my buddy here. Maybe another time?”
Buddy my ass! I am no buddy of his. Not anymore.
“Well, here is my number.” I hear the girl fumbling through her purse until she finds a pen. “Don’t forget me.”
“Never,” Wayne purrs.
I need another fucking beer. Once the girl goes away Wayne plants a chair in front of me and straddles it. I glare at the jerk. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
He rests his arms on the back of the chair and yells at me. “Are you stupid, man?”
“Apparently, no thanks to you,” I mumble.
“You have a girl back home and you’re sucking face with another?”
“I never had a girl!” I get to my feet and kick the chair away. I am so pissed off I don’t realize that the bar as quieted down and all eyes are on me. The bartender walks up to us and tells me to calm down and warns me if there is any trouble he would kick me out. I guess that means I won’t be getting anymore booze? Once the bartender walks away, Wayne drags over the chair I kicked and forces me to sit back down. One hand on my shoulder almost sends me over the edge. “Get the hell away from me, Wayne!”
“Or what?” He straddles his chair again. “You’re going to punch me again, because dude, I’ll have you six feet under before you even get the chance.”
I chuckle without humor. “Have at it.”
“You’re being such a douchebag.”
My vision is so fuzzy I can barely see what’s in front of me. “If you haven’t noticed,” I point toward Wayne’s face. “I want to be alone because the woman I have fallen in love with and the guy that I called my best friend decided to play fake hookup just to get me to talk. And you’re the one calling me the douche?”
“Look, I know you’re hurt - “
“You think?” I scoff. I can’t believe he just said that! Of course I’m hurt!
“Okay….my idea wasn’t smart, I get that, but….”
“But nothing!” I shout. “You both lied to me! You let me believe you were no good for her, that you treated her like shit! She wouldn’t even get near me because she wanted me to spill my guts to her, just to make all my hurt go away. Well, I’ve got news for you, bro….your plan became a bust. I’m worse off than I ever was before I laid eyes on that woman.” I glare at him and lower my voice. “So, I’ll tell you again...leave me the hell alone.” I lean my elbows onto the table and place my head into my hands. I really hope he gets the picture and just leaves already.
“That woman,” he argues. “…..she’s back at the studio crying over you because I have news for you too...she’s in love with you.” I become even more tense from what he just said. “The idea was mine and I pressured her into going along with it. She wanted no part of it - “
“But she did!” I retaliate.
“Yeah...she did,” he says matter-of-factly. “But what I just learned before I came over here was...she was letting go of her past, because of you too. The hell she went through, losing her parents, stripping for nasty beefheads, just to pay off some fucked up medical bill. Believe it or not, you have become her happiness.” Fuck, I don’t want to hear any of this. I don’t want to know I was helping her too, that I made her happy. It’s too much! All the empty spaces in my head that were filled with her goodness need to be gone. “My plan sucked balls, but it got you talking to someone who fell in love with all your flaws and crazy-ass temper. You won’t find another one like her.” Bastard. He just had to say that, didn’t he? Of course she’s the only one who would ever want me as I am. We’re made for each other, but she ruined all of that by teaming up with Wayne.
My head is starting to pound, I really need to lay down. I’m not sure if Wayne is still talking or not because I believe I started to doze off when my head hits the table. “Come on, let me take you home.”
He grabs me from under my arm, to help me up. I flick him off and almost tumble to the ground. “Get your damn paws off me!” I grumble.
“Dude...do I need to sweep you up into my arms like some gay romance novel, because I will. The paps would have a field day over it,” Wayne gloats. Damn him.
I can make out a slight proud smirk on his face. “I want to shove that smirk down your throat,” I growl at him.
“I can take the heat, man, come on,” he replies with a little chuckle.
I keep my head down while I wobble along on the side of the bar. I try to keep my balance so I won’t look like a total wuss.
“Bye boys! Call me!”
I groan when I hear that girl call us out.
“Will do babe!”
I groan even more when Wayne takes her bait. “You’re such a male slut.”
“And proud of it,” he says.
I continue to sluggishly move along when I bump my elbow into some pole. “Fuck!” I yell. It hurts like a mother. “Hit my funny bone.” I can’t see what’s in front of me, so Wayne takes hold of my arm again. “Why are you holding me up?” I complain. “I hate your ass right now.”
“Cuz you’re wasted. And I know you do, but I still love ya, bro.”
Why in the hell did he have to have a comeback like that? I just want to hate him.
I fall asleep on the drive home. I don’t even remember if the paps got any pictures of us. I should care that they might have gotten some ugly shots of me, but right now I just don’t. I really just want to crash in bed and to never wake up...ever.
I get woken up by a nudge in my shoulder. Must have been Wayne. I groan and wipe my face down with a yawn. When I stumble out of the car and get closer to the front entrance of my apartment building, I see the band standing near the doors.
“Great. Is this some kind of intervention?” I annoyingly mumble as we all enter the building.
“What are you talking about?” Lucky asks, clearly confused.
I exhale. “Nevermind.” I push the elevator button and lean against the wall, closing my eyes. Going up to my place, I know all eyes are on me, yet I keep mine closed and let the guys continue to make their assumptions about me. We’ve all had our ups and downs so I know they understand where I am coming from. It’s nice that I don’t have to hear any shit about what I’ve been doing all morning.
“This place is the shits!” Wayne exclaims.
While I was away in Arizona, June helped me out by getting me moved into my new place and it was all done by the time I got back. None of the guys have seen the joint yet.
“Hey, we’re hungry, so I’m gonna order some pizza,” Slim says.
These guys are always hungry, I can definitely do without food right now. I need to sleep.
“Sounds good,” Lucky chimes in.
I groan as I take a seat on my new black leather couch; another thing June helped me out with. It was nice to come home to a place that was actually mine and new furniture to break into. I finally got the king sized bed I wanted - but no one to share it with - not anymore. Both Jason and Lucky sit on either side of me and make themselves at home. I cross my arms and lay my head against the cushion, shutting my eyes again, while Wayne and Slim find the Xbox system and begin playing Grand Theft Auto. I’m starting to feel more lucid, but sleep is calling my name, although it seems the guys won’t let me.
“I need to start looking for a new place as well,” Jason points out. “Love this apartment. Wonder if they have any availabilities in the complex?”
I shrug. “Yeah, possibly.” I keep my eyes closed while everyone is paying attention to the video game. All I can think about are those dark chocolate eyes, those lips, the memory of me being her first, how stunning she looked when she came for the first time. I’ll never forget it.
“You doing okay, Danny-boy?” Lucky snaps me out of the flashback. All I can hear is the annoying sound from the TV.
I drag a hand down my face. I’m tired of talking about my shitty situation. I don’t mean to ignore Lucky, but I need to get away from the video game noise; it’s not helping my head any. I really need to stop drinking so much. I walk down the hall, into my room and out onto the balcony. I have a set of chairs out there now, so I take a seat on one of them and try to wake myself up by allowing the cool breeze to hit my face. Lucky and Jason follow me out there. “My personal life blows, you guys. Everyone is a fucking liar.”
“Don’t know what to say, man. I’m sorry,” Jason respectively says.
Lucky mentions how Harmony went to the studio, angry as can be and slapped Wayne straight across the face. She had to be pulled away by Faith, she was really upset. I don’t know what Lucky wants me to say about that. Wayne definitely deserved the slap, but what they pulled off together, shouldn’t have happened in the first place. “What the fuck was Wayne thinking? Such a butthead.” I lean my arms onto my knees.
“None of us are agreeing with his plan, but…..we’ve heard you and Harmony really connected.” Lucky, always being the one that keeps us together; he sees the good in all of us.
My head snaps up. “I could have done that on my own, without thinking they were together,” I argue.
“Really, dude, you could have?” Wayne makes his entrance. “You fought against all odds and pushed to be with her. You opened up to her and still fought for her.”
I whip my eyes over to Wayne. “And why did I need to fight for her when I didn’t have to?”
“Because you knew she was worth it. Still is if you ask me.” Yes, she was definitely worth fighting for, but not the way they both went about it. I don’t understand why he is so smug and proud of himself. He should have known I was going to react this way.
Slim joins us. “If you don’t want her, maybe I’ll ask her out this time,” he jokingly suggests. I give him an evil eye.
“Really Slim, come on,” Jason jumps in.
“What?” He shrugs and looks at all of us. “Just sayin’.”
I point in his direction and practically snarl at him. “You get anywhere near her, I’ll rip your balls off.” If he thinks his joke is funny, he’s got another thing coming.
“Guys, cool it,” Lucky intervenes. “Okay, we have other things to discuss. While Wayne was off dragging your ass back home, Lyric came by and asked us if we’d like to go on tour again. This time with The Convicts.” Another favorite band of ours. They have only been around a couple years, but have swept the country off their feet with their music.
“Sweet!” Wayne slams his hands together, giving off a very loud, head banging clap. “This is epic!”
Ugh, my head. However I can’t ignore what Lucky just said. Another tour? I think this may be the best Goddamn news I’ve heard in the last twenty-four hours; it couldn’t have happened at a better time.
“I know it feels as if we just got home from our last tour, but this would be really good for us, man.”
There is no question, I’m ready to get away. “Let’s do it. I’m in,” I immediately agree.
“You sure?”
All of sudden I feel more alert and awake. I couldn’t be more sure about this. “More than anything.”
“Alright, cuz we leave in two weeks.”
I am not surprised by how soon we will be leaving. We need this gig, and I need to get the hell out of San Diego.
Once I was able to sober up, take a few pain killers, the guys and I ate our pizza and went into the studio for a late rehearsal. I did everything I could to keep Harmony out of my head, but it’s kind of hard when you’re singing a song that was written about her, before everything happened. Plus having to be in the same room as Wayne, doesn’t help the situation, yet we’re partners and I need to find a way to keep my cool with him. It’s not going to be easy, especially s
ince we’ll be traveling for a few months on the same bus together. Maybe I’ll try that yoga after all?
The last few days have been nonstop with rehearsals and radio interviews. I am dead tired, I just want to sleep. However, being so busy has helped with not thinking about Harmony, but once I am alone in that big bed of mine, all thoughts turn to her. It makes it fucking difficult to get any sleep. I seriously miss her, I am aching to have her in my arms; I want to be inside her body and forget about what went down with her and Wayne - but I can’t. She lied to me. I can’t forgive her and that tears me up inside. I’m not one to easily forgive, I wish I could, I just don’t know how.
Friday night Lucky and I stayed up past two in the morning, writing a few songs. I think we made some progress and I believe they’ll be great on our next album some day. Once he left, I crashed on my bed and slept terribly. Being alone does not sit well with me right now. A piece of me is missing and she’s lying in her own bed sleeping. I keep waiting for her to text me or something, but I know she won’t because I made it very clear that I want nothing to do with her - though I want everything to do with her. I just can’t be with her. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.
I must have finally fallen asleep because my security buzzer was going off, someone was here.
I stagger out of bed and answer the intercom. My mom. Shit. She’s been trying to get a hold of me, but I’ve been off the radar lately and not in the mood to hear anymore of her stories. However, I cannot avoid my own mother forever. I don’t want to be a complete asshole so I allow security to let her up. I go back to my room and grab a t-shirt. When I get back to the living room the elevator doors open and my mom steps out.
I drag a hand through my hair and gruffly ask, “What are you doing here, Mom?”
“Excuse me?” She raises an eyebrow and folds her arms. “It’s been a few days, Daniel. You haven’t returned any of my calls and I wanted to see you before I go back home tonight,” she scolds me. I sigh, wipe my face down with my hand and turn my back on her. I sluggishly walk over to one of my new recliner chairs, sit down and prop my legs up. I really love this chair. “Wow. This place...I am very impressed. It’s beautiful, Daniel,” she exclaims. I know I’m being a jerk when I don’t offer her a tour of my new place, but I wasn’t expecting her to come over for a visit. I shouldn’t be surprised though, she’s my mom after all.
