She hung up on me. It was the second time I’d been hung up on by a woman that day, after discussing Gemma. It was like they wanted to get off the phone before anyone said anything that would mess this delicate situation up.
I started jogging again, determined to do another full lap around the reservoir before thinking about Gemma again. I made it about ten steps, then gave up. I didn’t give up on the run, I gave up on not-thinking about Gemma. I was resigned to a lifetime of it.
Since we’d kissed, I had decided not to have sex with anyone except Gemma. Which would have been a lot easier if I were already having sex with her. But I didn’t want to be hypocritical in wanting her to refrain from having sex with anyone other than me, while I was still going out with other women.
I know. Somebody throw me a parade for being the greatest guy in the universe.
Being a man of honor should be enough of a reward in itself, but I was horny as fuck and I didn’t know if I’d be able to remain in the same room with her anymore without wanting to rip her clothes off. I didn’t even remember how I managed to be around her for years without imagining what it would be like to kiss her all over all the time.
I had been taking longer showers for the past couple of days because I couldn’t be naked without thinking about penetrating her from every possible angle, so my next water bill was going to be huge and my inability to deal with these feelings in some other way was detrimental to the environment. I. Needed. To. Do. Something. I just had to pick the right time.
I knew it was unfair to ask her to commit to me forever when she’d only been with one other guy and I’d been with more than ten, less than a hundred females—but I was one hundred percent willing to do whatever I could to ensure that she’d never miss having sex with anyone else. Whatever. I. Could. And lucky for us, I can do a lot.
10
Gemma
I had been working such long hours.
Fortunately.
If I didn’t have a job to throw myself into, I would probably have stayed at home, touching myself while thinking about that stiff one in Theo’s jeans 24/7. Every now and then, even when I was in the middle of a conversation with someone on the crew, or when I was in the zone, moving props around on set, I suddenly heard echoes of Theo groaning in the shower, fifteen minutes after seeing me in a towel.
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that.
It was sexy as hell and made me feel a lot better after the vomiting incident, but it was still a huge mistake. It felt like everything was in slow motion while I walked down the hall and met his gaze and the way his mouth parted just made me feel so good and he looked so freaking hot standing there in his pajama pants. He had no idea that while he was jerking off in the shower I was in bed quietly devastating my clitoris with a vibrator, fantasizing about going into his room, pushing open the door to his bathroom and dropping my towel once he realized I was there, opening the steamed-up shower door and stepping inside, he still had one hand on his big hard cock and the other hand reached out to grab behind my neck to pull me in for a kiss but I smirked and pressed him back against the wall, slid down his body so he could feel my wet breasts against his skin until I kneeled down between his legs, took him in my mouth and gave him the blowjob of his life.
In my fantasy I was totally capable of giving him the blowjob of his life but in reality I was pretty convinced that he had gotten so many of those from so many beautiful women over the years that it would be impossible for me to top them. Especially given my very limited exposure to penises.
Which was why I kept reminding myself that Ben was the smart choice for me at this point.
Despite everything, it just wasn’t sitting right with me—neither the overt sexual tension nor the covert sexual fantasies with Theo.
It’s like gluten-free bread, or when Benedict Cumberbatch does an American accent. It should be the greatest thing in the world, the answer to our prayers, but it just felt wrong and made me cringe a little.
He had to go out of town for two weeks of meetings and press interviews because the line of high tech athletic wear had been so successful, but he left a Post-it on the fridge that said he really wanted to talk to me, so would I call when I was home, didn’t matter how late.
I texted him that I didn’t have time to talk, that I was too tired when I got home. It was true.
It was also true that a month earlier I would have called him anyway.
But three weeks of an independent film production schedule was exactly what I needed to avoid the inevitable disaster that would be a “talk” with Theo at that point. I missed him. Of course I missed him. I’d be on location for a week in Palm Desert, and I’d arranged to stay with Chloe and Ethan at their new place when I got back. Once production wrapped I’d have time to look for a new place. I’d have to rip off the bandage. I didn’t know any other way, and I was sure that Theo would understand why, eventually.
Once I had gone on location in Palm Desert, Theo had gotten home and gone nuts.
I had never received so many daily texts from him since I’d met him.
About the most trivial things, so many questions, but never the one I needed him to ask me, the one that would change everything.
Theo: I can’t find that bag of chia seeds from Costco.
Me: In the drawer with the million other little bags of chia seeds.
Theo: It’s not there I looked.
Me: Look again.
Theo: Found it. Thanks.
Theo: How’s the catering?
Me: Good.
Theo: How’s Ben?
I did not respond to that one.
Theo: Should I grow a mustache?
Theo: Unrelated question—do these jeans make me look fat?
(Image attachment of sleeping kitten in back pocket of jeans)
Theo: Someone just dropped a bag of dog shit in our garbage bin. If you text back anything at all in three seconds I will go outside, retrieve the dog shit bag and throw it at him.
(Ten seconds later)
Theo: Lucky bastard. He didn’t even have a dog with him. JK
Theo: Where do you get those tortilla chips that I like?
Me: Los Cinco Puntos on Cesar Chavez.
Theo: How did you find out about this place?
Me: Caterer from two jobs ago. Gotta go busy Xx
Theo: Say hi to Ben for me.
I did realize he was flipping out because in the past I had told him that location shoots are basically a cast and crew sex camp. It’s not an exaggeration—but I had regaled him with other people’s hookup stories back when I was still with Andrew, back when there was no chance I’d be one of the hooker-uppers.
Now that I was a free agent I not only had to deal with sex camp jitters, I was also dealing with a bizarro housemate situation.
Ben was great. I liked seeing him at work. He was really good at his job, and having an on-set crush was not just a bonus, it felt necessary because of the long hours. He was a perfect on-set crush. He was a perfect flirt. A perfect gentleman. Most of the time.
He brought his dog with him, and she was adorable, so I’d go for quick walks around the Best Western with them in the morning and after we’d wrapped for the day. It was nice. But I could tell that he was ready for more. And I could tell that I wasn’t. Quite. Yet.
I was having lunch with Ben when I got my nine hundredth text of that day from Theo.
He sent a pic of what he was eating at our place, Winsome, at the counter. He got my favorite dishes—the potato chips with crème fraiche and fried egg sandwich. He usually ordered the cauliflower salad with chicken. Seriously, what was wrong with him?
“That Theo again?” Ben smiled as he looked up from his salad, to me, then back to his salad.
“He’s having lunch at our favorite place on Sunset. Taunting me.”
“You should send him a picture of your taco. Show him what he’s missing.”
Ummm. No.
For the life of me, I couldn’t tell i
f he was being dirty or not. Maybe Ben didn’t know that taco was slang for vagina? Or was he just that good at delivering a sly joke? Maybe that’s why I had been intrigued by him. I just couldn’t quite figure him out.
Although, to be fair, I couldn’t figure out any of the guys I’d known. I thought I’d known everything there was to know about Andrew—wrong. I thought I’d known everything I would ever know about Theo—probably wrong.
“You want to grab a drink after we wrap tonight? If we wrap on time, which we should, it’ll be earlier than usual.”
I assumed he meant a drink with the gang, including Julia and Jason. “Probably. I figured Julia and Jason would go off on their own tonight.” They had finally started hooking up, once we got to Palm Desert.
“I’m sure they will,” he said. He finished chewing his food and swallowed, before saying: “I meant just you and me. There’s a bar in Palm Springs I think you’d like. I’d like to take you there. Just us.” He watched me for a response.
Just us.
Those two little words had somehow managed to tense up my entire body.
Those two little words had been reserved for me and Theo for years.
If I did this, if I really went on a date with Ben and really had sex with him, it would mean that I would be moving in the direction that I had meant to move in for the past year—away from Theo. It had been my intention, my goal, my desperate desire. Ben was cute, nice, uncomplicated, willing. So why didn’t I want to go for a drink with him?
“Um. I’d love to,” I found myself saying, “but I’m so tired. I really need to catch up on sleep.”
“You sure? You can still be in bed by ten. Asleep by eleven.”
Ew.
My phone vibrated. We both looked down at it. There was a new text message from Theo. Of course.
“I’d really like to, Ben, but…”
“Yeah. But.” There was some bitterness in his voice.
I didn’t blame him for that. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t sit with me at lunch anymore, or if he didn’t come by my room with his dog. I didn’t blame him for feeling like he’d wasted time flirting with me when he could have been with Annabel from the wardrobe department, but I was also certain that he’d be with her later that night anyway. I looked forward to hearing all about his penis from her in the morning.
I didn’t check the text from Theo until Ben had finished his salad and left our corner of the table to go talk to the Assistant Director.
Theo: No seriously, say hi to Ben for me.
Me: No. Seriously. Say hi to all of your fangirl/girl toys for me.
I looked out at the desert surrounding our catering tent, and wondered how long it would take for my lady parts to dry out and turn to dust. It was too hot to be mad at Theo. I was just resigned to more confusion, unfulfilled desire, frustration, and a relationship that I no longer understood or recognized.
I didn’t want to look at Theo’s response. But I did. Of course I did.
Theo: Gemma. There hasn’t been anyone else but you for weeks.
11
Theo
The day I went to Winsome for lunch, I went to visit Ethan and Chloe at their new place after they got home from work. Being home alone without Gemma was hellish. I couldn’t believe I’d texted There hasn’t been anyone else but you for weeks.
I really couldn’t believe she didn’t respond to that.
As much as I liked Ethan and Chloe and their new place, it just made Gemma’s absence even more obvious because I couldn’t think of one time that I’d hung out with them without her. I was lousy company and I was miserable.
Misery was a totally unfamiliar feeling for me.
When you’re a runner, you learn to make friends with pain. You know that physical pain is inevitable when you push your body to its limit and you know that suffering is a choice. I had always chosen not to suffer.
Until now.
I was making myself suffer.
I was making myself miserable.
I was making myself visualize Ben doing all the things that I wanted to do to Gemma, in some hidden corner of the movie set, in a hotel room, in a parked car by the side of the freeway in the desert, against a wall in the bathroom of some restaurant, in his office trailer.
I couldn’t make it stop.
“Make it stop,” I groaned out loud.
It just didn’t seem right. If she wasn’t with Andrew, she should be with me. Not some random guy she just happened to meet at work. I have no idea why I was never jealous of Andrew. I guess it was because she knew him long before she ever met me.
For as long as I’d known her, she had never been far from my thoughts, but now she was dominating my entire being. She was it. Gemma Kelly was my everything. I couldn’t lose her to some other guy that she’d just met.
Chloe had disappeared to their home office to take a work call, so Ethan was alone in watching me stretched out on their sofa, covering my face. It was humbling.
“Is this an ego thing?” Ethan asked.
Of course it’s an ego thing. “No it’s not an ego thing. It’s a Gemma thing. God. Give us both a little more credit.”
“Calm down, you’re being a drama queen.”
I wasn’t being a drama queen, I just didn’t know if I wanted to live in a world where Gemma was with anyone else but me. Why would anyone want to live in that world? It wouldn’t make sense.
“You calm down.” She was having sex with Ben at that very moment, I could feel it. I groaned again. It was pathetic.
He took a sip of his gin and tonic, smacked his lips together, then offered this: “Here’s a thought. Devils advocate. Why not go out and bang some hot chicks. See how you feel afterwards. Let me know how it goes.”
I peered up at him through one eye. “Why are you like this?”
“I don’t know what to say here. I’m not the kind of friend who’s good at talking about stuff. You know who is?”
“If you say Gemma I will punch you in the head.”
“Her too, but I was gonna say my wife.”
“I already talked to her.”
“Oh yeah. She told me about that call.”
“Course she did.”
“By the way. Andie, the redhead who was at your party, wanted me to tell you that if you need a new renter for downstairs, she’s ‘still very interested.’”
I opened the other eye. “She said she’s ‘still very interested?’”
“She definitely said that.”
I tapped my fingers on my thigh. “That is interesting…No I can’t. I can’t do that to Gemma. And I haven’t decided if I’m going to rent it out again or not.”
“What would you be doing to Gemma?”
“Don’t make me explain the obvious.”
“Well. Gemma isn’t the one with the jealousy problem.”
I pulled myself up to slouch on the sofa. “You think I have a problem?”
“No. The level of jealousy you’re feeling is totally normal for an alpha male such as yourself and perfectly healthy.”
“It is, right? It’s normal to care about a friend.”
“No. It’s going to ruin everything.”
“You are not good at talking me through this stuff.”
“I agree. You should talk to Chloe.”
“I need to get some new friends.”
“What happened to your buddies from college?”
“They’ll just ask me about Gemma. They think she’s hot.”
“So you’ll have to get new friends who are straight women who won’t try to hit on Gemma?”
“No way. Never again. Don’t ever be best friends with a woman, Ethan.”
“I am best friends with a woman. My wife.”
“Yeah.” I pushed out a breath. “Me too.”
“Look, I believe you’re into Gemma, I see it, I completely get it and I encourage it. But are you one hundred percent sure that this isn’t a grass is greener situation?”
“What do you mean?�
��
“She’s been the one attractive woman in your life that you can’t quite have, for years, are you sure this isn’t just about getting her? Because if you get her and then you drop her once you’ve had her, you lose your best friend, and Chloe will kick the shit out of you, and she’ll kick the shit out of me if I stay friends with you, so you’d basically lose everyone in LA that’s important to you.”
I stared at him, holding my breath as his words wove their way through my brain and my soul. “Fuuuuuck.”
“So no pressure—just saying think about it.”
“I can’t not think about it.”
“If this were a movie I’d take you to a strip club to try to cheer you up.”
Before I could even get a little bit excited about the prospect, Chloe called out from the other room: “If you go to a strip club I will strip you of your balls while you’re sleeping!”
Ethan grinned at me. “And that is why she’s my best friend.”
“I need another drink.”
“Okay. But before I pour you one…” He lowered his voice and got in closer. I instinctively pulled away from him, but I was desperate to hear what he had to say despite his historic inability to say anything worthwhile on the subject. “You didn’t hear this from me. But a while ago, she told Chloe that she has a journal with a list.”
“A list of what?”
“Reasons why you guys should be just friends. Apparently she filled the journal up months ago. Maybe if you happened to find it you could have a better understanding of why she’s been struggling with this.”
I was back home in less than twenty minutes and may have grabbed Ethan and kissed him on the forehead before leaving.
I did hesitate before opening the door to Gemma’s room. I really did. But then I was pretty certain I heard someone moving around in there, so obviously I had to go in to make sure there wasn’t some creepy prowler inside.
Green: a friends to lovers romantic comedy Page 11
