by Dark Angel
But I know more than ever now that I have to stay away from Emmaline. How much I need her, crave, have to have her…if I care about her, I won’t subject her to this. I won’t devour her. There’s a whole future for her that needn’t involve me. I wasted my life away waiting for the perfect woman, and I just can’t have this one. This one and only perfect for me woman that’s breathing against my heart so softly.
Fuck, I’m fucking gone for her.
Emmaline
I grip the steering wheel of my car, hard, desperate to get physical purchase since my emotional wellbeing is tumbling down the stairs of my mind.
Ethan is so incredibly, painfully right.
I’m that girl. I hate to be that girl, but, like, I so fucking am because there is no denying the truth now.
I love Ethan. I love Ethan more than I knew that I could. But after giving myself to him the way I did, and how he felt inside me. I’ll never feel truly alive again until I feel Ethan eat my breath off my lips while he drives his cock inside me. I know I’m in love with him. Completely fallen for him. And what am I supposed to do with my life now? What do I do with that?
I'm dangerously close to playing a sad song at top volume and singing alone in my most shrill voice because that’s the level of emotionally overwrought I am right now.
I’m not like my mother, or Ethan, able to read people. I don’t know if Ethan is falling for me, too, or not.
Fuck, I’m crushed at the possibilities weighing down on my brain right now. I don’t just want Ethan anymore, everything inside me is majorly bordering on need. But all my mind wants to do is remind me of all the very clear and obvious, big honking reasons that our relationship isn’t that. Ethan and I? We could never work.
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
I will take three deep breaths, and then I will call Delia.
Inhale.
Everything is terrible and I want to drive my car into a tree and die with Ethan's cum still inside me.
Well, aren’t I dramatic?
Exhale.
Okay, let’s try again.
Inhale.
It was just sex though, right, like why am I being crazy?
Exhale.
As fucking if. I’m not losing my mind for nothing over here.
Inhale.
I push out and exhale right away.
I have violated the deep breath relaxation technique’s rules that I had just established in the prior two minutes and the council heretofore established to govern is surely on their way for me.
I’m getting totally delirious right now.
I jab my thumb onto my phone’s home button. “Siri,” I say to my phone. “Call Delia.” When the call screen switches, I put it on speaker phone.
“Hey babe-“ Delia answers but I cut her off.
“HELLLLLLLLLLLP!” I shout into the phone.
“Jeebus, girl, what’s up? Are you okay?” Delia says, obviously concerned.
“I'm not fucking okay. I mean, I’m in one piece. One very gooey, sweaty piece,” I say quickly. I can’t have her thinking I'm dying or something, but she needs to understand the severity of the situation.
“Breathe then, Em, breathe,” Delia says.
Oh, yeah, not touching that. Tried that, failed that, called you for help! I purse my lips and then figure out how to start. “So, I just had sex with Ethan. Like, my pussy is now made of solid gold because I can’t believe how hard I came, incredible, I can’t think about anything else and my body belongs to him, I’d crawl on my hands and knees for another spin. Sex. With. Ethan.” I finish my very juicy confession that I think is going to warrant copious applause from Delia. I took her advice and I did the nasty and I'm basically down to share details. That’s what she’s always wanted, though she’s never resented my virginity. But, like, now we can talk about everything.
The silence on the other end for a second, that’s not encouraging.
I wait another moment and I hear Delia start to say something but just suck her teeth.
“Okay-“ I start, and now Delia cuts me off.
“Okay, what the fuck were you thinking listening to me? Like, that was a joke, girl, what, what, whaaaaaaaaat? You slept with a teacher?” Delia sounds like she’s as close to hyperventilating as I was.
“Okay!” I interrupt. I know better than to tell my bestie to try out that fraudulent deep breathing technique, and we can’t have the council after her when it doesn’t work. Shit, if we can’t help each other, we’re fucked! A bemused grin spreads over my face. “So, yeah, I slept with the teacher you suggested that I sleep with, the teacher we agreed is hot, the teacher I'm crazy about, and now I’m nuts? Like, I thought we knew it was nuts and I should do it anyway?” I'm totally confused now.
“Um,” Delia says. I can practically hear her pacing. “Are you in love with him, Emmy?”
Delia never calls me Emmy unless shit is really serious. Damn, I guess it really is, too. Delia is my BFF for a reason. I can tell her everything, and I can trust her to always tell me the truth.
“Yes, I am.” I have to tell her the truth, too.
“I did not think you would sleep with him. I’m sorry. Girl, how well do you think you really know him though?” Delia is nervous for me.
I’m nervous for me now, too. The way that she asked me that…I think she might be onto something and I so don’t want to admit that. But that’s what Delia and I do for each other; when we bring something to each other, we know we have to be prepared to deal with some grown woman shit.
“There’s no way you can have a relationship with him,” Delia says. She sounds upset for me.
I appreciate that. I’m upset for me, too.
“And what would your mother think?” Delia asks. Credit to my girl, she does not sound judgey right now. Just bringing hard truths, but not harshly.
And I need that, and a hug, right now.
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “My mother seemed downright evasive when I asked her about Ethan at lunch,” I share this damning truth. It sinks into my gut with the thud of suspicion.
Delia sighs now. “There’s probably a good reason for that,” she says. “And you should probably forget about Ethan.”
Amazing how that was the plan before, and now it is serious advice. Advice that maybe I need to take.
Ethan
This meeting is not going well at all. I’m grateful that it was an impromptu little sit down — his words — and that I can get back to grading soon like I said. I don’t want to deal with this shit right now. The truth is that I just want to say fuck the grading and worry about sliding Emmaline up and down on my cock until she’s cumming with her face pressed against my chest. I’m thinking about wrapping my arms around her soft body when I realize I should be paying attention to this chastisement I’m receiving from a bitter, washed up old fuck that’s never really liked me. The feeling is fucking mutual, and that makes a boring situation a frustrating and tense one.
“Aiden Lavelle was a student, and your actions will not go unpunished,” my department head, Lonnie Brixon says. What kind of a name is that for an English department head? That’s just the kind of name for a mid-level villain.
That’s what he is right now. I beat the shit out of that little asshole, and I’d do it again. My name is on the building I teach in, I don’t need anything from this university, and they trot my name out like I’m some kind of show pony. I won’t have this shit.
“It's one thing for us to look the other way with flings that you’ve had with students in the past, and that was handled, so there’s no need to deal with that…but this is another matter,” Lonnie says, his disgust for me evident.
“The assault happened off campus. Neither the parents nor the student are pressing charges. It was all handled and has no blowback for the university,” I counter. I don’t appreciate that he’s saying I’ve fucked around with students, as I haven’t…well, until now. But that’s just not his goddamn business.
I feel myself slipping into ange
r again. I want Emmaline and I’ve done something incredibly stupid in even entertaining the thought of her being mine.
“You can’t buy your way out of everything!” Lonnie says, his voice getting shrill. He’s never been happy that despite being in his department, I’m his superior in just about every way.
I won’t stand for this petty shit. I don’t have time for this.
“If you’re done, I know I am,” I say, and I walk out of his office. I don’t need this shit at all.
Because I know that I don’t have a leg to stand on right now when it comes to Emmaline. I want to fuck her so hard neither of us can breathe, and my body aches just thinking about her.
I think about what happened with the last attraction I had that was anything serious to me…Joelle. Emmaline’s mother, for fuck’s sake.
And this is not my first university incident. I can’t think about that girl right now.
I know that I have real feelings for Emmaline. Nothing built out of just lust; nothing originating in my feelings for Joelle.
And if I really care about Emmaline, I should leave her alone. The idea makes me want to punch something.
I keep myself sequestered from every possible relationship because they aren’t that — they aren’t possibilities. But I know that Emmaline is something more. She understands me, she gets me in a way that no woman ever has. Not her mother, Joelle. Not any of the random women I’ve slept with. I care about Emmaline. I want more, and I know that she’s more than mildly interested in me.
I could have her wrapped all around my finger, but I shouldn’t be that asshole. I should stay away from her.
My cock is rock hard just thinking about her. I head to my office and try to think about grading papers, but I’m thinking about fucking Emmaline until she screams my name.
I’m a grown fucking man and I can control myself. I need to control myself. I will stop thinking about her.
In three,
Two,
Aaaaand my phone rings.
Emmaline is calling me.
It makes me want to knock my damn desk over but I ignore the call.
Emmaline
Ethan won’t return any of my calls.
I went to his house, and he wasn’t home.
I’m being ignored in such an intense way that I feel insane. Insanity is the only way that I can justify my reaction to going to class, where I plan to corner Ethan afterward, then walking out when I see there’s a substitute.
Yes, miss 4.0 GPA, skipped class when I saw there was a substitute teacher.
Delia’s radar must be going off because she texts me right as I’m exiting class. She wants me to meet up with her.
I hightail back to my dorm. I’m wearing my damn flats so my feet are screaming by the time I get there, but I can’t focus on anything now that Ethan is ignoring me this way. How could I be so stupid? I am so grateful to see Delia that I give her a huge hug when I see her.
I let go, walking into my dorm room. Delia’s face is ominous and I feel myself get a little dizzy. I
“Em, you’re not going to like this,” Delia says.
Shiiiit. That’s not a thing I want to hear.
“What is it I won’t like?” I ask in a small voice. “Ethan has basically ghosted me.” I don’t mention going by his house and him not being home. That’s starting to sound a little crazy in my head, though I’m honestly fine with it…I remember how Ethan knew my schedule and I was fine with that. But Delia and I don’t need to debate stalker ethics. She knows something and I need to know it, too.
“I’m sorry, babe.” Delia says, and she sits on my bed.
I sit next to her and try to mentally prepare myself for whatever bomb Delia might be about to drop on me.
“You’re not the first student that Ethan slept with,” Delia says.
I’m shocked by this, but I’m not jealous. Am I delusional that I feel like I'm still special to him? I know he’s special to me, and since he’s disappeared off the face of the earth, maybe that is enough. “Ten years ago — I did some digging — he slept with a girl, a freshman student.” Delia stops, but there’s so obviously more.
“Well…what happened?” I ask. If Delia didn’t come right out and say it, then it must be bad.
“Oh, well, she died. The death was ruled an accident. The girl’s family blamed Ethan, and they tried to sue him, and it was all settled out of court,” Delia explains.
I raise my eyebrow. “Why would Ethan settle?”
Delia rests her palms flat on the bed behind her and leans on them. “Maybe he felt guilty,” Delia says.
Shiiiit. This has me so twisted up in knots.
“Maybe it's best that you just let things go with Ethan,” Delia says.
I sigh, my shoulders sinking.
“He seems to have walked away, and maybe that’s what you need to do, too,” Delia says, and she reaches out to give me another hug. “And don’t think that I don’t know you just skipped a class. I meant you could meet me afterward, girl. Get your ass ready for your chemistry lab.”
I chuckle. Can always count on Delia to have my back, kick my ass, or whatever I need.
“Thanks for digging into everything for me, babe.” I grab my notebooks and shove everything together in my bag. “Yeah, skipping class, screwing professors with murder dicks, that’s probably not the thing to get used to,” I say with a half-hearted chuckle.
I say that, and I know that I did bad shit. But I don’t believe that the heinous stuff about Ethan could be true. It makes me feel foolish that I’m still holding out the possibility that everything is just how it seems. It felt like more.
Am I just another girl who gave her virginity to a man and now everything went sideways?
I just can’t believe all of this. I know damn well that I’m not going to let this go. I don’t want to hide it from Delia, but I also don’t know what to say right now. I’m going to find Ethan because he can’t hide forever. I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I just hope I can do it without further breaking my now even more fragile heart.
If everything bad about Ethan is true, I don’t even know if that will be enough for me to let go of him. That’s just damned foolish, but I can’t fight how I feel inside and hope to win. Should horrible things about Ethan may be true, and then I guess I have to hope that they can be powerful enough to kill my feelings.
But I can’t fight this overwhelming sense that I know Ethan…that I really do, and that none of this can possibly be true.
“Bye, Delia,” I say, heading out the door.
Delia follows behind me, heading off to her own class.
I’m hardheaded and while I’m going to my chemistry lab, I still know that I’m not over this by a long shot. Foolish as it makes me feel, I still think I’m going to be a breath away from drawing Ethan's name in little hearts in my notebook. I have it truly, seriously, bad and I don’t even want to be over it.
Ethan needs to be the one to tell me why he’s avoiding me.
And it's me, and only me, that he’s avoiding. So I have to find him. I know just the place. I will head to his office after my class. Just because there was a substitute professor in my particular session doesn’t mean there won’t be one later. As he must be avoiding me, this is the way for me to find out not just if that is true, but why the fuck he is avoiding me at all.
I want some answers.
I need to see his face.
Emmaline
I enter the building with his name on it. Head past the lecture hall where I attend his classes. I'm back to confirm that he’s in his office.
Sure enough, Ethan is seeing other students in his office.
I’m the one he’s avoiding.
When the last student in that line is gone and walks out, having conducted their business, I walk toward the again closed door and feel so strange. I want to knock, but I’m also so upset. I hesitate for a second and then open the door without knocking. I need to see him; I miss Ethan's face that much.<
br />
Sitting at his desk, Ethan still looks formidable and impressive. I will never be able to breathe that second I see him. This is no different. I audibly gasp at just the sight of him. His intricately gorgeous, intense face, the hollows of his cheekbones when he sucks in a breath of his own. I want to kiss Ethan on the inhale, and climb him for the exhale.
I’m upset but mostly I love him. I love him and I needed to see him.
“Emmaline,” Ethan says in a low growl.
A shiver climbs up my spine and tickles my scalp, and even my toes. I reach out in his direction for a second, just instinctually because I want to touch him.
Ethan stands, almost a reaction to that touch and he’s stood and stepped just a touch closer to me.
“Why are you ignoring me, avoiding me?” I say. I don’t care how desperate my voice sounds. I’m right here and I want to pour myself all over him, and I just need to feel him in return.
Ethan bites his lip, narrows his eyes, and finally responds, his face considering mine. “You wanted a one night stand, and that’s what I gave you,” he says. I hear the raw power in his voice, the thick timbre of it dark. There’s so much more to what he’s saying, but since I’ve been shut out, I don’t understand it fully.
“That’s not what I want now,” I say, but I back up a step. I'm dangerously close to making a fool of myself and that was okay with me until right now. Because if Ethan tells me that’s what he wants, then I’m going to be utterly crushed. I might shatter and turn to dust right here in his office.
“You don’t know what you want,” Ethan says, his voice a deadly calm before a storm.
The words whisper over my skin, and I turn toward him. “Yes, I do-“
“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into,” Ethan says through gritted teeth.
“Did the last girl that you had an affair with know what she was getting into?” I yelp, frustrated that he seems to be having such a strong reaction but he doesn’t seem like he’s going to touch me. Does he even want me? There’s a welling sea of emotion breaking through me like a static electric storm surging through me.
