by Laura Landon
He was desperate to have her. Frantic to possess her. Desperate to keep her safe.
Such possessiveness was a feeling he’d sworn he’d never feel again. It went against his vow to do everything in his power to protect himself—to protect his heart.
He kissed her again, then nestled her close to him and rested his chin against the top of her head. He could not look at her but stared straight ahead. He did not want her to see the raw desire in his eyes. Didn’t want to see her red, swollen lips and ache to kiss them again. He knew he’d already committed a grievous error and did not want to compound it with emotions that were irreversible.
He knew he’d already come to care for her more than was wise. More than his heart could withstand if he lost her.
Chapter 13
Grace would rather have taken a beating than return to London and face Caroline. And by now all of her other sisters knew too.
She turned her head and focused on the scenery out the carriage window. Watching the green hills and verdant meadows was better than thinking about the scene to come when they arrived. Much better than watching the grim expression on Raeborn’s face darken.
She’d been ill again this morning, just as they were preparing to leave. She could almost cut the worry emanating from him with a knife. She took a deep breath and prayed she’d make it to London without having to stop.
“Are you feeling all right?”
Grace swallowed hard in an effort to calm her queasy stomach. “I’m sorry I delayed our leaving.”
“It doesn’t matter. Sickness is part of a pregnancy. It will probably last at least a few more weeks.”
Grace smiled. “My sister Josie was ill the whole term with her first. She’s married to Viscount Carmody, and we all thought by the time the babe was born we’d hear she’d been charged with murder.”
Raeborn looked at her from beneath furrowed brows, and Grace thought how endearingly handsome he was this morning. How such a simple gesture made her heart race. “She made her poor husband suffer unmercifully. He even threatened to move in with Caroline and Wedgewood until it was over. Thank heaven her next two babes were much kinder to their mother. With the last, she wasn’t ill in the least.”
He frowned. “How many children does she have?”
“Three. Although I anticipate news of a fourth soon. It’s just a feeling I have.”
“Are they all daughters, then?”
“No. They’re all sons.”
Raeborn’s frown deepened. “If the viscount already has three sons, why would she consent to risking her life to give him a fourth?”
Grace wanted to laugh, but one look at the expression on his face told her he was deadly serious. For a heartbeat her blood ran cold. “Most women don’t look at bearing children as a risk, Your Grace. They consider children a blessing. Don’t you?”
His gaze turned hard, his expression haunted. “No. Perhaps I did once. Before I knew what was at stake.”
The air left her body. She knew she should let the matter drop, but she couldn’t. “Not every woman dies in childbirth, Your Grace.”
His face paled in the warm England sunshine and he gave a start as if she’d spoken sacrilege. “No, not all. But even one is too many.” He hesitated as if he wanted to say more on the subject, but decided against it, then added, “When we reach London I’ll send for my physician.”
“That’s not necessary. I’m fine. Besides, my sisters will all be there tomorrow. I’ll get more mothering than either you or I want.”
“Nevertheless, I think—”
“Vincent, please,” she said, more forcefully than she’d intended. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists, willing her stomach to calm. “At least wait until after we are married. Please. There’s no need to let someone outside the family know before we’ve even spoken our vows.”
He nodded politely, making her wish this whole nightmare were over. Making her wish she would wake up in the morning and find a reprieve from impending motherhood. Making her wish just once she’d look at him and not see regret in his gaze.
“As you wish.”
She breathed a relieved sigh. “Thank you. Vincent, what are you going to do about...Fentington?”
“I will handle the matter, Grace. You have nothing to fear from him.”
“It’s not me I’m afraid for. It’s you. The man isn’t rational. There’s a part of his mind that is not right.”
“It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and I’ll take care of it.”
Grace knew the subject was closed. She leaned back against the seat, praying nothing would happen to Vincent. The attacks had been her fault. She was the one Fentington wanted to punish. Raeborn was only the innocent victim Fentington thought Grace had despoiled with her wicked ways.
The carriage rumbled along the narrow road with Herman atop. They had to be nearly halfway there. Grace would be glad when they were home. No matter how often she tried to take in deep breaths as Maudie told her, her stomach still lurched and rolled.
“We’re reaching Waverly crossroads, Your Grace,” Herman hollered from above. “Did you want me to stop so you and the lady can stretch your legs?”
Raeborn gave her a concerned glance, then answered, “Yes, Herman.”
Grace breathed a sigh of relief when Herman stopped the carriage and Vincent helped her out. When her feet reached the dirt pathway, he extended her his hand and they leisurely walked down the road. Herman followed with the carriage a discreet distance behind.
“Tell me when you tire,” Vincent said, holding her close so she wouldn’t stumble.
“Probably not until we reach London,” she said, making an effort to smile. “I don’t make a very good hothouse flower, Your Grace. I’ve never been one to sit indoors and embroider.”
“Only to play the piano.”
“Yes. Only to play. It is my one true passion.”
“You will enjoy the music room, then, at Raeborn Estates. The piano there is one of the finest.”
“Is that where we will go after the wedding?”
“Eventually. But we’ll stay in London as long as possible.”
He must have felt her hesitation because he stopped and looked down at her. “I have arranged for our wedding announcement to come out in the Times tomorrow morning. I’m sure it will cause quite a stir, but it is customary for polite society to give the bride and groom a two-week grace period before callers begin to arrive, so we should miss the majority of the gossip. And we will at least have that amount of time to accustom ourselves to married life.”
He placed his hand beneath her elbow and they continued walking. “Then, when the two weeks are up, we will impose on one of your sisters, perhaps Lady Caroline or Lady Josalyn, to host a ball to introduce you as my duchess. After that, we will adhere to the customs of a London Season that will be in full force—a select ball here and there, the opera, private dinners, soirees, musicales. Anything where we will be seen together. And, of course, there will be sessions in the House that I must attend. We won’t go to the country until your confinement forces us to. That will keep the talk to a minimum as long as possible.”
Grace stared at him in amazement as they continued to walk down the road. “You’ve thought of everything, Your Grace.”
“I’ve merely endeavored to hold down the speculation as to our rushed marriage. Nothing more.”
A painful weight pressed against her chest. She had done this to him. He was detaching himself from her and from the life she’d forced on him by immersing himself in the details of their wedding and their future together as if they were details of a business arrangement. As if keeping busy with less important matters could push to the background the facts he could not control—that he was being forced to marry when he’d vowed never again to do so. That he had to marry a woman he didn’t love, didn’t even know. That he was being forced to go through another woman’s pregnancy and live with the fear that she might die birthing his heir.
She st
opped and turned to face him squarely. She suddenly realized she could not continue this path of guilt. Such emotions were not good for her or healthy for the babe. What was done was done. She could not survive until the birth of her babe always feeling as if she needed to apologize. It was far too late for apologies. There was too much of life ahead of them to live with the regret that was smothering them.
“While we still have a moment alone, Your Grace, I would like to ask a favor.”
“Yes.”
“I would ask that you no longer worry about me, Your Grace. I am carrying a child, not suffering from a fatal disease.”
His eyes widened, his surprise obvious.
“For the next few months I will do everything in my power to cause you as little worry as possible. And I will make you this promise here and now. I have no intention of dying while bringing your heir into the world. So you have no need to worry on that score.”
Grace didn’t wait to see his reaction, but turned toward the carriage, leaving Raeborn and his dark worries behind her. The days—perhaps weeks, perhaps months—ahead promised to be very long indeed.
Grace stood beside the open window in the room where she’d always slept when she stayed with Caroline. A soft, gentle breeze lifted the delicate chintz curtains, billowing them toward her as she stood in the darkening room. The afternoon was nearly gone, the hours after she and Raeborn arrived having been taken up in serious discussion with Caroline concerning the details of their upcoming nuptials.
Thankfully, everything was taken care of. Her other sisters had been notified of her sudden wedding and would descend on Wedgewood’s town house before the ceremony tomorrow morning. A mountain of food had been prepared, extra servants hired, flowers ordered. And a lavish wedding breakfast was planned for after the ceremony.
Champagne had been ordered, the best silver and china laid out. And netting flounces hung as decoration in the town house ballroom to make it as festive as possible. Caroline had worked miracles in a matter of days. As if this were a most joyous occasion.
Grace wasn’t sure she’d survive the ordeal.
Since they’d arrived, she and Raeborn had continued with the ruse they’d begun weeks ago to convince everyone they were truly happy. They smiled at each other, looked at each other often, and when they toured the ballroom, Raeborn remained at her side. But she could tell from the look on Caroline’s face that she wasn’t convinced. An underlying current of explosive tension permeated the room, the atmosphere rife with unease. And all Caroline’s hostility was aimed at Raeborn. He would have to be blind not to notice the barbed glances.
Of course Linny would assume Raeborn had taken advantage of her. All her sisters would assume the same, believing Grace would never willingly give her body to a man she hardly knew after living such a virtuous life for thirty years.
When they found out the truth, they’d be terribly disappointed in her.
Grace wanted to curl up in a corner and hide. How could she ever expect anyone to understand? And yet she couldn’t let her sisters believe Raeborn had done anything dishonorable.
She dropped her face to her hands and fought the tears that threatened to fall. She started at the soft knock on the door and hastily dried the tears from her cheeks. “Come in.”
The door opened and Caroline stood there, her face harboring all the unanswered questions Grace knew Linny wanted to ask. The look in her eyes, though—the expression of pity and sorrow—was hardest to bear.
The two sisters stared at each other, neither knowing what to say, how to begin. Grace tried first. “Linny, I...I...”
She couldn’t finish her sentence. Couldn’t bring herself to admit what she’d done. How could she expect Caroline to understand? “I’m...I’m...”
She couldn’t. She clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle an anguished moan. No matter how desperate she was to keep the tears from falling, she couldn’t do it. They ran in raging torrents down her cheeks.
Before she took her first breath, Caroline crossed the room and pulled her into her arms.
“It’s all right, Grace. Everything will be all right.”
“No, it won’t. It’s too late.”
Caroline gave her another hug, then led Grace to the settee. They sat facing each other and Caroline pressed a handkerchief into Grace’s trembling hands.
“Now I understand why you were so hesitant to associate yourself with Raeborn. Why you’ve been so upset of late. Why didn’t you tell me what he’d done to you?”
“Oh, Caroline. He hasn’t done anything.”
Caroline fisted her hands and pounded one of them against her thigh. “Oh, he’s done something all right. He told me you were expecting his child. I knew right away he’d taken advantage of you.” Linny’s eyes opened wide in shock. “Did he force you, Grace?”
Grace grabbed Caroline’s hands and shook her head. “No, Caroline. You don’t understand. None of this is Raeborn’s fault. It was me. I was the one who took advantage of him. I’m at fault. Not him.”
“Don’t try to protect him, Grace. It’s obvious what kind of man he is, even though I never thought it of him. I always thought him a gentleman, honorable, of noble character.”
“He is. He is all of those and more. It was me. I was the one who forced him.”
“It’s no use, Grace. We all know better.”
Tears streamed down Grace’s cheeks again, her sobs coming in huge, painful gasps. “It was me!” she cried out, her whole body shuddering. “I deceived him!”
Caroline stared at Grace as if weighing whether or not to believe her. “What are you saying?”
“Baron Fentington made an offer for Anne’s hand like he had for each of you before. Father accepted his offer. The only way I could save her was to agree to marry Fentington myself.” Grace swallowed. “He didn’t want me at first, of course, because I’m so long in the tooth, but I convinced him I would make him a perfect wife.”
“Oh, Grace. Why didn’t you come to me? We would have done something.”
Grace took a shuddering breath and wiped her nose with her handkerchief. “I had a plan. I knew Fentington would only accept a bride who was a virgin. But he wanted my assurance.”
“What assurance?”
“Before he would hand over one pound of the price Father demanded for me, I was to sign a paper swearing I was a virgin.” She hesitated. “I knew he’d never marry me once he found out I wasn’t.”
Grace ignored the horrified look on Linny’s face.
“I went to Hannah.”
“To Madam Genevieve? To her brothel?”
“Yes. She agreed to find someone who met my qualifications—someone who wasn’t married, someone I didn’t know, and someone older than my thirty years. She picked Raeborn.”
Grace rose from the settee when she heard Linny’s horrified gasp and paced the room like a caged tiger. “I didn’t once think I would conceive, Linny. Honest, I didn’t. I only wanted to escape marriage to the baron. Losing my virginity was not that important to me. I am thirty years old, far past a marriageable age. No one has ever cast me more than a passing glance. And I come with no dowry. Hardly a catch in any man’s opinion. I thought when it was...over, I could go back and live out my life at home with no one the wiser.”
“But Father didn’t want you interfering with his new wife.”
Grace shook her head. “No. So I came here. But I still didn’t think...” She clutched her hands to her stomach. To where Raeborn’s baby grew.
“Raeborn realized I was a virgin that night, and his deep sense of honor wouldn’t let him give up until he found me. Until he was certain I hadn’t conceived.”
“I see.”
Grace spun around to face her. “No, you don’t. Oh, Linny. He doesn’t want to marry me, but he has no choice. I deceived him, used him to save myself from Fentington. Now I’ve trapped him into a marriage he doesn’t want. And even worse. He’s terrified of losing another wife in childbirth.”
Car
oline didn’t move for several seconds. Finally she lifted her gaze to Grace’s. “And are you? Are you terrified of birthing his babe?”
“Were you terrified of giving birth to Thomas’s babes?”
Caroline smiled. “No. Anxious, perhaps. Desperate to have it over, especially when I grew large as a cow. But never terrified.”
“Oh, Linny. I never thought to get married, let alone have children of my own. I never thought I could be so happy yet miserable at the same time. How can I ever expect Raeborn to forgive me after what I’ve done?”
Caroline rose and walked to her sister. She reached for Grace’s hands and held them. “He will. Not all marriages begin as love matches, yet for the most part they turn out quite well. You will just have to take that extra step. Show Raeborn that you intend to work at making your marriage a success.”
“I’m not sure I know how, Linny.”
“Of course you do. You and Raeborn have done an excellent job of convincing half the ton you are enamored of each other already.”
“But that was for show, an act.”
“I’m sure not all of it was. Tell me you don’t have feelings for him, Grace.”
Grace tried to answer but couldn’t.
“It’s obvious you do. Just as it is obvious Raeborn has feelings for you. Don’t let those feelings diminish. Build on them. Let them grow into something more than fondness.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not, but making it happen can be a lot of fun.”
There was a twinkle in her sister’s eyes and Grace felt her cheeks grow hot. Caroline laughed, then pulled Grace into her arms and hugged her tight. “Oh my, Grace. I do believe I’m going to have to be extra polite to Raeborn at dinner tonight. I did throw him some awfully hostile glares while we were taking tea.”
“I noticed.”
“I won’t even tell you some of the plans your sisters dreamed up to torture him for what we thought he’d done to you.”
Grace felt the blood drain from her face. “Oh, Caroline, no. You have to convince them he wasn’t to blame. That it was my fault. But they can’t know what I’ve done. I couldn’t bear it. Only you, Linny. Only you.”
