by Misha Crews
“Yes,” a soft voice said, “she is.”
Jenna looked up to see that Maya had come quietly out of the kitchen and was standing in the open doorway.
All of a sudden, Jenna felt naked, from the inside out.
* * *
Maya kept one hand on the cut-glass knob of the heavy oak door, and the other on the doorframe. Her stomach was a stormy sea of nerves. The conversation she’d just had with Alex hadn’t gone well — but then, conversations with her brother seldom did. She had known this day was coming, and though she had dreaded it, she always thought she could deal with it when the time came.
But not today. She had had three students today and a meeting with Joseph’s math teacher. Her husband Fred was bringing company for dinner, and now suddenly this mess was dropped on her doorstep, with the overflow of emotions that accompanied it.
But the mess had always been there, a voice whispered. You’ve just been stepping over it for the past ten years.
Well then, so be it. Maya squared her shoulders. Let’s get this over with.
“Joseph,” she said, her voice solid and positive as always, “go in the kitchen and visit with your uncle. He hasn’t seen you in a long time. Tell him about your science project. He’d love to hear about it.”
He didn’t answer her. Usually her son was a dutiful child, bright and loving, everything a mother could ask for, but curiosity must have gotten the better of his good manners. Now that he had looked Jenna Appleton full in the face, he couldn’t seem to stop staring at her. Maya followed his gaze, understanding his compulsion.
So, that was Bud’s wife. Denny had always talked about Jenna as if she were an older sister, someone he liked and respected, although Jenna had always been a bit of a mystery to him. Well, Maya had no intention of solving that mystery today. She would get this conversation over with, and she would send Jenna Appleton on her merry way.
Joseph was still ignoring his mother, and the nervous tension in the room was making Maya testy. She snapped her fingers loudly, making him jump. “Listen to me, child, and do as you’re told.”
He stood up obediently. “But is she my aunt? She said she was.”
Maya’s face softened. She reached out and stroked her son’s cheek. “Yes, my dear. She’s your aunt. When your father gets home from work, we’ll have a talk and tell you all about it, all right? Now go in the kitchen, and Uncle Alex will give you some cake and milk.”
The prospect of having dessert before dinner seemed to cheer Joseph somewhat, but he was obviously still reluctant as he turned and walked away.
Maya waited until she heard the kitchen door close before she smoothed her dress and crossed the living room. She sat in a chair opposite Jenna and cleared her throat. She knew she had to be direct. If nothing else, it would save time.
“My husband works downtown,” she told Jenna. “He’ll be home soon, and he’ll be bringing company with him. If you like, you can stay and meet him.” Although what Fred would say about having this strange woman in their house, Maya had no idea.
“That would be very nice,” Jenna said softly.
“I’m telling you this because I want you to know that your nephew’s stepfather is a good man. He takes good care of us.”
“I’m sure he does.”
There was a pause. Maya went on. “You told my brother you weren’t sure if Joseph was all right.”
Jenna picked up her teacup and sipped before answering. “Actually, I believe I phrased it slightly differently from that. But it doesn’t matter, really. The truth is, I wanted — I needed to see Joseph.”
“Why?”
“Because I miss my husband,” Jenna said simply. “And I miss his brother. There has been so much death in the past years. The world is full of it, and each time we lose someone the world seems to be colored a little grayer. I needed to see the piece of Denny that’s survived, and that’s Joseph.”
Maya could see that she wasn’t the only one who wanted to be direct. There was something reassuring about that. “Why didn’t you tell my brother this?”
“I suppose it’s because he’s a man, and I didn’t think he would understand. Perhaps I was wrong about that.” Jenna looked down, into her teacup. “I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately.”
Maya shook her head. “No, you were right. My brother has a soft heart but a hard head. There’s no telling what will make him dig in his heels. He’s been angry with me for a long time because of my relationship with — with Joseph’s father — with Denny.” She pressed her lips together. It had been a long time since she had spoken his name out loud.
“You met when you were very young?” Jenna leaned forward, as if she had been thirsting to hear this story.
“I was only sixteen. We met at the movies.” Maya smiled briefly. “My friends and I had gone to see Life with Father. It was a popular movie and all the seats were full. Denny and I ended up sitting next to each other. He never cared about the color of a person’s face — as long as that face was smiling, he was happy. After the movie, he walked me home.”
Jenna’s face was soft and full of loving remembrance of her brother-in-law. “And so you fell in love.”
“Yes. We were together for over a year before he died. We were young, but we weren’t impulsive, or naïve. We wanted to get married. We talked about living in DC, since we couldn’t legally marry in Virginia. We’d even discussed moving overseas, somewhere our relationship wouldn’t seem quite so…out of place, I guess I should say. I didn’t know I was pregnant until after he died.”
For some reason, Jenna shivered. Maya watched her.
“Much like you, I expect.”
“Too much like me,” Jenna murmured. “And nothing like me at all.”
Maya didn’t push to understand what that meant.
Jenna went on. “You never asked Denny’s parents for help? I’m sure they would have done something — ”
“I didn’t need their help.” Maya heard the defensiveness in her voice and tried to swallow it. “I had inherited a little money from my mother, so I moved out of the house in Arlington and bought this one, in the city, where nobody would know me. I teach piano for a living, and a body that can do that can live anywhere…so long as there are children around who want to learn, and parents who can pay.”
“Joseph plays beautifully. Did you teach him?”
Maya smiled in spite of herself. “Against his will, yes, I did.”
“He’ll appreciate it someday.”
“I just hope I’m still around when that day comes.” From the kitchen came the murmur of voices. “It’s good for Joseph to get to see his uncle,” Maya said.
“And it’s probably good for Alex to see his nephew,” Jenna replied. “Joseph is a wonderful child. You must be so proud of him.”
“He’s a treasure; I can’t deny it.”
Jenna returned her smile, and Maya felt a little flower of warmth blossom in her heart. Jenna was a likeable creature, whether she knew it or not. “I imagine your son is the same way.”
Jenna flushed and looked down. “Christopher is a sunny little boy — bright and happy almost all the time. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that he came from me.”
Maya wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Does he take after his father?”
“Oh yes,” Jenna murmured.
“And his grandparents must adore him.”
“They do. I wish — I wish they could have a chance to adore Joseph, as well.”
Maya stiffened. Now they were getting down to it, she thought. The crux of the conversation, the reason Jenna had come looking for them.
When Maya didn’t answer, Jenna went on in a rush. “They would adore him, you know. He looks so much like Denny, and — ”
“But he’s half-Negro,” Maya said bluntly, “so I think that they would probably only adore half of him, and I don’t want that kind of schizophrenic life for my son.”
Jenna shook her head slowly. “They’re good people. They�
��re not prejudiced.”
Maya couldn’t keep the contempt from her voice. “Plenty of ‘good people’ are prejudiced, Jenna, don’t you realize that? He would just be an ugly little secret for them to keep from the neighbors.”
She saw the denial written on Jenna’s face. “You don’t think so? All right then, what if they loved him? My God, what if they wanted to claim him? What if they tried to take him away from me? Do you think that the courts would ever side with me over them? No.” Maya held up a hand to stop Jenna from speaking. “Don’t try to tell me that they would never do such a thing. People are capable of anything, and I’m surprised you haven’t figured that out for yourself yet.”
“But…” Jenna appeared to be searching for a polite way to say something. “Forgive me, but if you’re worried about what will happen when Joseph realizes that your husband is not his father — ”
It was all Maya could do not to laugh in Jenna’s face. “Joseph knows that Fred isn’t his father. Of course he does! Fred and I have only been married for a few years. From the time my son was old enough to ask, I’ve told him the truth. I told him that his father was a white man who died before Joseph was born. Joseph never asked about his father’s family, so I never bothered to tell him anything about them — about you, I guess I should say.”
“And if he had asked?”
“I would have been just as honest. I would have said that white folks don’t want to know their half-black relatives.”
“We’re all just folks,” Jenna said quietly.
“I’m sorry?”
Jenna appeared to gather her courage. “White folks, black folks — we’re all just folks, after all.”
A bark of laughter escaped Maya’s lips. “And just what kind of futuristic utopia are you living in?”
The look of dismay that hit Jenna’s face was almost hurtful. Maya sighed.
“I’m sorry if I’m being overly blunt. I appreciate what you’re saying, and I’m sure that Denny’s parents are fine people. But you don’t live in my world, and I don’t live in yours. So why should we expect to understand each other?”
“You’ve given this a lot of thought.”
“You’re goddamn right I have.” Maya didn’t stop to apologize for her language. “This is my family we’re talking about. That’s not something I take lightly.”
Jenna stood slowly. Her movements were graceful, but her face was tight and looked in danger of crumbling. “I’m making a mess of this. I didn’t want to upset you. I should go.”
“No,” Maya protested, standing as Jenna did. She could have kicked herself. “I’m not asking you to leave. Please stay awhile longer. I’m glad you came to see us today, truly I am. If nothing else, you brought my brother to see me, and I’m obliged to you for that. And I’m glad that you got to see Joseph, and that he got to see you. You can come again, if you like, whenever you like — “ those words were out of Maya’s mouth before she knew she’d spoken them “ — but please don’t tell your in-laws about me. It would just bring heartache to everyone. Some secrets are best kept hidden.”
“Secrets?” Jenna’s voice was hard as flint. She turned abruptly, and her eyes were so full of gray steel that Maya took a step backward. “Please don’t presume to tell me about secrets. For five years you’ve been nothing to me but a face on a photograph. The last image I have of Bud is a picture of him holding you and your baby in his arms.” A sob tore at her lips. “Three years of marriage, and all I wanted was my husband’s child, and after he died, all I had left of him was that picture!”
Maya put a hand to her heart. “Is that why you came here today? Because you thought your husband was having an affair with me?”
“No, I came here today looking for the grandchild of Bill and Kitty Appleton, because — because — ”
Maya didn’t know where the knowledge had come from, but suddenly the truth flashed like lightning, clear and ugly. “Because your son is not their grandchild. Is that it?”
Jenna bit her lip and turned away.
Maya shook her head slowly. She could feel anger building inside herself like steam in a kettle. “You have a lot of nerve, you know that?”
“Excuse me?”
“You didn’t come here to meet your nephew, or to try to convince me to introduce Joseph to Denny’s family. You came here to confess, didn’t you? You came here looking for absolution.” Maya fought to keep her voice under control. “Well, I’m not your priest, little girl, and I’m not your mammy either. It’s not my job to cradle your head and make you feel better about yourself. If you’ve sinned, you’ll have to live with it, in your own way, just like the rest of us.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Now you can leave.”
“But — ”
“Please just go.”
Jenna’s face had gone very pale. She put out a trembling hand. It was an imploring gesture that touched Maya’s heart in a way she hadn’t expected. She steeled herself and lifted her chin stubbornly.
Jenna saw the look on Maya’s face, and she hung her head in resignation. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. Tears gathered in her eyes, but did not fall. “I’m so terribly, terribly sorry. Please tell Joseph I said good-bye.”
She turned and walked out the door.
Alex and Joseph must have heard the front door open and close, because they chose that moment to come out of the kitchen. Alex took one look at the pinched, angry look on his sister’s face, and he shook his head in disgust. Without a word, he put his hat on his head and followed Jenna out the front door.
Joseph stood in the foyer, looking from the door to his mother. “Mom, what happened?” he asked. “Are they coming back?”
Unable to answer, Maya picked up the teacup that Jenna had left and threw it into the fireplace, watching it smash into bits. A second later, she regretted it. She crouched next to the splintered teacup and frowned ruefully. She liked that tea set very much. Fred had given it to her for Christmas, and now she’d ruined one of the pieces.
She felt a hesitant touch on her arm, and looked up into the sweet face of her little boy. “Mommy? Are you all right?”
She put her arms around him and held him close. When she spoke, her voice was muffled against his slender shoulder. “I guess I couldn’t handle it after all.”
* * *
Outside on the sidewalk, Jenna broke down. She couldn’t help it. She hadn’t known what to expect when she started out today, but she definitely hadn’t thought that the day would end like this. She felt as if she’d gotten to the end of a long journey, only to find she was right back where she had started.
Evidently alarmed at standing on the street next to a weeping white woman, Alex ushered her to her car and opened the door for her. He slid in next to her, on the passenger side, and gave Jenna a handkerchief. “Dry your eyes,” he said. His voice was brusque but not unkind.
She took the neat square of clean white cloth and dabbed her eyes, trying to pull herself together. “I’m sorry,” she managed to say. “This isn’t like me. I never cry in front of strangers.”
His face took on a glint of irony. “We’re not strangers, Mrs. Appleton. We’re practically in-laws.”
Jenna managed a small smile. “Practically,” she said.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Are you sure you want to hear it?” Jenna twisted the handkerchief tightly between her hands.
“Probably not. But you can tell me anyway, if it will make you feel better.”
And Jenna did. In a quiet, direct voice, she laid out the truth as if she were setting a table. She didn’t spare herself any sympathy or try to excuse her actions. Place the blame to the right of the plate. Forks go on the left.
When she was finished, she looked him square in the face. “Your sister was right,” she said. “I had no call to bring my troubles to her doorstep. I was trying to make myself feel better, to give Bill and Kitty a substitute grandchild, or something like that. It was unfair.”
&n
bsp; Alex offered no solace, but neither did he force recriminations on her. He merely looked at her with sympathy and waited for her to continue.
But Jenna had nothing left to say for herself. She touched his hand. “Thank you for listening,” she said softly.
He pulled away and glanced around automatically, looking to see if anyone was watching them. When he looked back at her, Jenna felt a flash of heat, a sudden awareness that this man she was sitting with was attractive and intelligent and very much like her in many ways. But she also felt the danger they could be in, just by sitting there together.
Alexander must have felt something too, because he reached out impulsively and clasped her hands in his own. “We live in dangerous times, Jenna.” His voice was low and fervent. “If you want to find happiness, you have to first find the things that make you feel safe. Grab them tight, and never let go.”
He released her abruptly and turned to look out the window. “You know how to get in touch with me,” he said roughly. “If you need anything, you can call me.”
And before she could say good-bye, he was gone.
Jenna sat slumped behind the steering wheel, clutching and un-clutching Alexander’s handkerchief in her trembling hands. Find the things that make you feel safe, he’d said. Grab them tight, and never let go.
She sat and wondered if she would ever know what that meant for her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
SEPTEMBER MOVED BRISKLY FORWARD AND BECAME October. The warm damp of late summer finally gave way to the cool crispness of autumn, and across the Virginia landscape, the trees began to change.
Standing on Adam’s newly built back deck, Midge Geddes looked out over the riot of color that had erupted in his backyard. Tawny reds, golden yellows, flaming oranges. It was, she thought, as if the trees were dressing themselves up for the final joyous revelry of fall, before winter came and they retired in bare grace to await the spring. Or maybe they were just as excited about tonight as she was.
