by Tanya Mindo
Her stomach flipped, her teeth chattering. She walked quietly to open the door, every step sending chills down her spine.
Her parents were standing there, impatiently waiting.
Zoe lowered her eyes, afraid, and in a barely audible voice, she said, “I got into Political Science.”
At first, she heard nothing, so she lifted her head bit by bit.
Her tears rolled down her cheeks as Ma’s face crumpled in frustration. Pa winced. It immediately broke her heart into pieces. It was her first heartbreak.
They altered their expressions and embraced her right away, an obvious pretense to conceal their distress. They said it was okay. But it wasn’t. She noticed how stiff their bodies were. Her parents were like that. They were good with words but not with their body language.
Zoe knew. She had become a disappointment.
And then there was a new plan.
They enrolled her in UP with a different dream—they wished for her to pursue law like her father. She never said anything. She didn’t want to be a disappointment. Not again.
Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for Zoe to question her purpose.
Was it just for her parents? What about her wants?
It was her life.
Zoe liked liberal arts. She liked studying justice, inequality, and philosophy… But that was it. She studied for the sake of getting good grades. It was not for the sake of knowledge itself nor for education itself, which she would have preferred.
Every day was stressful, and she was unhappy. She liked seeing her parents thrilled at her academic achievements, but every night, as she flipped the pages of her readings, she shedded tears.
Inevitably, the routine exhausted her. It didn’t help that everybody was talking about her entering law school as if it was the end game.
Zoe realized that once again, her life had been fixed. She felt trapped and suffocated, like being drowned underwater repeatedly without truly dying. She drowned in what felt like an eternity. There was no longer a sense of fulfillment. Political Science merely became a stepping stone to go somewhere “higher” which was law, as if the discipline was not good enough. Nothing was ever good enough.
And she was not even a tiny bit, interested in law.
Zoe was occupied with guilt knowing that her Ma and Pa had given her everything. She had an amazing best friend and a gorgeous partner. What more could she ask for?
Then she saw the posters announcing the exchange program on the bulletin boards, and she could hear nothing but the sound of her heart thumping in anticipation. In excitement.
It was a spur of the moment but was also an opportunity of a lifetime. An opportunity to escape. To find something that she wouldn’t be able to find if she stayed where she was.
Zoe fought with her inner battles. She fought against the guilt that kept her up at night. It finally dawned on her that she missed out on a lot of things for being the ideal child, and she needed to do something.
Zoe was exhilarated the instant the application documents slid away from her fingers.
That moment changed everything, or so she hoped.
Seth pouted, then he ran his fingers through his hair.
“I should have tried to stop you before.” He took a sip from his green tea latte and then he averted his gaze.
Zoe smiled weakly. “You know that you won’t be able to, right?”
“Yes. You just do what you want.” He touched his stubble for the fifth time. Seth had been trying to grow facial hair for weeks. Although it was making him look more masculine, his constant rubbing on his face was beginning to be distracting.
“Why do you want to delay your graduation? What about going to law school? It doesn’t make sense. You’re not even sure if you can get your subjects credited.”
Zoe felt a pinch in her chest as she listened to Seth, but she kept her mouth shut, ignoring the fact that she had never done anything that she wanted—what she truly desired.
“I told you that I’m still thinking about going to law school… I’m not sure yet,” Zoe replied, taking a sip from her winter melon milk tea.
“You’re not? I thought you were just joking,” Seth answered, thick brows furrowing in astonishment. “That was already the plan. What would you do with your degree if not law?”
Zoe fretted.
That was your plan.
Zoe was fully aware that it was the practical thing to do. Her father was a lawyer. It gave her family a good life because it paid the bills and more, yet it shouldn’t be enough reason to abandon her wishes, although she hadn’t even figured out what her ‘wishes’ were.
All her life she’d been given a to-do list. She only needed to cross them out when they were done. But she couldn’t do it anymore.
With another sigh, he pressed her nose. Zoe never liked it, but she let him.
“You know what? Forget it. It’s okay.”
She didn’t believe him. She noticed that his nose wrinkled—the sign when Seth was lying.
“You can visit me,” Zoe encouraged him, hands clasped, faking enthusiasm.
He shrugged his shoulders. “You know that I just asked my parents to buy me a new car, right?”
She bit her lower lip.
The distress in Seth’s expression was so palpable that it made Zoe squirm. He wasn’t even trying to hide his frustration.
Seth was a good friend to Zoe. He was someone she could rely on. Sometimes, she couldn’t help but wonder what changed. She missed the old Seth.
His phone beeped which temporarily pulled Zoe away from her trailing thoughts. It was Connor, his teammate and Elle’s boyfriend. He ignored the text and gazed back at her.
“So, where were we?”
“The trip to Japan.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Like what I was saying, it’s unlikely, but I’ll try. For now, just promise me that you’ll come back.”
“Of course, I will,” Zoe muttered, smiling. “I promise. Promise me too. Promise me that you’ll wait for me.”
Seth replied with a shrug as if it was obvious and unnecessary.
Zoe gave him a light punch on the shoulder. “Seth, promise me.”
Seth’s facial expression turned firm. Their eyes interlocked as he cupped her heart-shaped face using both his hands. They were warm. With a tender look on his face, he answered, “I promise.”
Zoe wasn’t sure if his nose wrinkled.
Chapter Two
The next day, Elle, Zoe’s best friend, came to her place to hang out. They stayed inside her room and ate chips while She’s the Man played in the background. However, they were more focused on talking about all the things that Zoe might encounter in Japan. Elle excitedly googled tips and facts about the Japanese culture using Zoe’s laptop.
Meanwhile, Zoe began to feel strange. She was so happy when she learned her about acceptance, but the anxiety grew as the days passed by.
She had difficulty sleeping at night, and it didn’t help that her parents continuously urged her to give it up.
“Zoe, you can still back out. Your friends will be graduating ahead of you. Do you want that?” Ma uttered flatly.
“And we’re already fixing your law school applications,” Pa added. “You’re going to waste a whole year.”
“Ma, Pa, I’ve decided to go to Tokyo. Please, let me go,” she pleaded, putting scrambled eggs on her plate. “I’ve been trying to convince you for an entire academic year. I got good grades last semester like you wanted. I can go to law school whenever I want. Even Pa entered law school when he was twenty-five. I’m only twenty years old. Please… Let me go to this program.”
“It doesn’t make sense, Zoe. What will you gain from this? Do you want to leave us? Are you rebelling?” Ma asked.
A surge of frustration ensued.
Why is doing something different considered rebelling? Why is trying to decide for my life so wrong?
“Ma, you know that’s not it, right? I just want to go and experience the wo
rld on my own. There’s so much to see.”
“But one year is such a long time to waste,” she sighed. “And you’ve never left this home. You don’t even know how to cook. We can just go visit Japan after your graduation. We can stay for weeks if you want.”
“I can do household chores from now on, and I’m not gonna waste my time, Ma. I’m going to a school that’s ranked among the best in Asia. I’m still going to study. Aren’t you proud of me?”
Ma scowled, unconvinced.
“I’m not ready for law school, alright?” she finally confessed, her voice barely audible. Blurting it out relieved and frightened her at the same time.
Her parents stopped eating.
“Why not? You’re good at studying,” Pa answered this time, brows curling against each other.
“It’s not just about that…”
I don’t like it.
“…I’m just not ready to move forward.”
With a stern stare, he said, “Law school will give you and your future family a good life, Zoe. Always remember that.”
But what is a ‘good life’?
She wanted to protest. Arguments formed inside her head. But she was exhausted. There was no point.
That morning she spoke so confidently about the exchange program so she could avoid giving room for her parents to see her weakness. After that conversation, however, she began to imagine possibilities—both good and bad. She pondered how she would meet new people, learn new things, and see the beauty of the famous land of the rising sun. At the same time, she thought about how she might get lost, get misunderstood, and fail her subjects.
Although unlikely, the bad started to outweigh the good.
Little by little, the foreign land seemed too dangerous and scary, as if she would be unwanted. What used to excite her began to frighten her—she would be there all alone without Ma and Pa. Without Seth. Without Elle.
“Tokyo is crowded, but it says here that the transportation system is exceptionally convenient,” Elle said, her eyes on the laptop screen. She lay on her stomach, while Zoe sat beside her.
Elle twirled the ends of her bob cut hair. “You also have to stand on the left when you ride escalators. The right side is for those who’d like to walk.”
Zoe continued chewing potato chips, lost in her thoughts.
“Hey, do you even know basic Japanese?” Elle asked.
“Hm? Ah. Of course.” Zoe cleared her throat. “Ohayou gozaimasu. Konnichiwa.”
They both giggled, and Zoe’s shoulders relaxed a bit.
“It says here that very few people can speak English. How would you survive with just basic greetings?”
“I already checked the course catalog. I will take six credits of Japanese classes.”
Elle’s slightly uneven eyebrows furrowed. “You should at least try to study on your own. You still have three months.”
Zoe rolled her eyes and grunted, “I’ll try.”
“It also says here that it’s among the most expensive cities in the world.”
“Yes, so it’s totally helpful that I’m receiving a scholarship from a private institution. I don’t think I’ll survive if not for it.”
Elle blew out of her cheeks. “Oh, you will, but you’re fortunate.”
She sat upright and turned to face Zoe. Her large, round eyes twinkled. “I’m so excited for you.”
Zoe pressed her lips together. “Actually, I’m still thinking whether I should go…”
Elle tilted her head to the side and gave her a blank look.
If there was anybody who could understand, it would be Elle.
Zoe let out a deep breath.
“I’m a little worried, Elle. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I want this so bad, but I’m going out there alone. I’ve never stayed away from my parents. I’m also leaving Seth. What if he finds someone? What if UTokyo’s courses are too difficult for me?”
Elle shook her head, her bangs moving from side to side. “What are you saying? You are one of the smartest students in our major. You’re driven, independent, and responsible.”
She pulled Zoe into a tight hug.
“You can do it.”
“We both know I’m not independent,” Zoe replied, her chin on Elle’s shoulder. She could feel Elle’s skinny shoulders and wondered for a bit whether she was losing too much weight lately.
“Well,” Elle replied. “I mean when it comes to your academics…”
Zoe pouted as she pulled herself back from the embrace. She knew she wasn’t ‘independent’. It was what she was trying to be. Elle just said what she wanted to hear.
Elle threw her arms up in the air. “Alright, alright… You’re… Sheltered. Privileged.” She darted her eyes from left to right, her gaze envious of the purple room.
Zoe’s room was spacious for one person. It had a queen-sized bed, a closet filled with clothes, a shoe rack with at least fifteen pairs of shoes, and a wooden study table with a pile of books written by authors ranging from Jane Austen and Mark Twain to contemporaries like John Green and Paulo Coelho. All the books were arranged neatly on top. Some of them were unread. She also had her own bathroom, television, and air conditioner.
Yes, it was cozy for a Filipino home. Yes, Zoe was well-off.
“…But you’re taking a step now, and that’s what matters.”
Zoe exhaled.
“What if it’s a wrong step?”
“Zoe…”
Zoe tugged at her earlobe and mumbled, “I’m sorry that I sound indecisive. It’s just that… I’m a little anxious now that it’s finally here. What if it changes everything?”
“Isn’t change what you want?”
She paused. Elle was right.
Elle grinned patiently. She placed her palm on Zoe’s shoulder, giving her a pat.
“It took so much courage and strength to make this happen. I know you’re afraid that your parents will never forgive you. That they’re sad because you’re defying them. But they’ll be fine. They’ll get over it. Besides, what’s there to worry about Seth? Just focus on your studies. Make new friends. The world is your oyster.”
Zoe’s lips broke into a small smile, her confidence growing within her.
“It’s just that with Seth… He’s not happy that I’m leaving. And you know that we’re not official, right?”
“That’s exactly why you should clear things up with him. I don’t get this open relationship thing. Why don’t you just ask him?” she hissed, rolling her eyes. “Has he ever told you he loves you? I can’t believe you guys ditched me for this kind of messy relationship.”
Zoe forced a smile.
Seth hadn’t told her that he loved her, and she was too scared to ask him. Whenever Zoe tried to open the topic, he only brushed it off.
“We didn’t ditch you.”
Elle pouted. “Ha! You started going out without me and then you became a ‘thing’. And that’s what you guys are. Just a ‘thing’.”
Zoe held up a finger. “Yeah, yeah, don’t rub it in.”
“I just don’t get it.”
Me either.
“Oh, whatever,” Zoe said, changing the topic. “Elle, you’re awesome. I’ll make sure to bring back souvenirs. For both you and Connor.”
Zoe noticed a tinge of uneasiness in Elle's eyes at the mention of Connor’s name, but with a grin, she replied, “Finally! I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”
She gave Elle a light slap on the shoulder as they laughed.
The second semester in Zoe’s home university began in January. While everyone else was focused on enrollment, she made herself busy by fixing the documents essential for the exchange program. School days would start on the 5th of April. She also purchased her airline ticket and applied for dormitories.
As expected, Ma insisted that she takes the Komaba Lodge so she wouldn’t need to commute. Zoe strongly refused despite Ma's displeasure. They even fought when Zoe asserted that she was going to live like a normal u
niversity student. Luckily, the result for the dorm application came out early, and Ma could no longer do anything.
She was assigned to Mitaka International Residence. It was far from both Hongo and Komaba campuses. She scanned the course catalog available for the semester, and most of the classes she’d take would be offered in Komaba, which was also closer to the dorm. One article she read said that she could either ride a bike or take the bus to go to the nearest train station, then she could take the train and get off in front of the campus gate. It may be inconvenient, but the dorm in Mitaka was cheaper.
