by Tanya Mindo
“Man, the Golden Week is no joke,” Taylor mumbles as he gobbles down his tonkatsu.
“This is probably the only time they have to enjoy with their families,” Zoe says.
“Most likely,” Jesse concurs. “I read that Japanese salarymen work themselves to death.”
Naoki heaves a defeated sigh. “It’s true. And after working hours they still go with their colleagues to an Izakaya to drink. You’ve probably seen a lot of drunk men in suits. Or men dozing off on the way to work.”
Everyone nods.
Jesse peeks at her watch. “We’re a little behind schedule. It’s already 2:00 PM. We should hurry so we could catch the film.”
“Oh, about that,” Naoki interrupts. “I don’t think we can watch any movie at all. They’re all in Japanese.”
The non-Japanese speakers (Marie, Zoe, and Taylor) cringe. Jesse can only speak and understand a little Japanese, so her shoulders sag as well.
“Wah, that sucks! Don’t they even have subtitles?” Taylor exclaims, in which Naoki shakes his head in response.
“Then what are we supposed to do then?”
“We can still go to Zushi. We’re already in Kanagawa,” Kaito suggests, sipping from his tea. “It’s not that far, and it’s too early to go home.”
“I agree. We can just sit on the beach and talk,” Marie adds, smiling at Kaito, who also grins back.
Zoe finds herself wincing. She bites her lower lip, digging her spoon into her katsu. Why is she overly sensitive today?
“Zoe? You okay?” Jesse asks.
She lifts her head, and everyone is looking at her.
“You look angry. Is something wrong with your katsu?”
Zoe fidgets. “Ah no, I… It’s nothing. I just remembered something. It’s not important,” she babbles, glancing at Kaito who raises his eyebrow at her.
Zoe wants to stop being too transparent. But how can she do it? She is a bad liar, and she can’t keep a poker face. It’s killing her.
Kaito glances at Zoe, wondering what is going on with her. She is fidgety, her teeth clenching from time to time, and she’s been avoiding eye contact with him. Whenever he tries to speak to her, she’ll widen the distance between them and starts talking to Jesse.
“Hey,” Marie whispers. He shoots a look at her.
“Hm?”
Marie presses her lips together.
And he understands. He lowers his eyes to his food then starts eating again.
As expected, the bus is congested with people. Zoe clings on the metal handle near the bus door to keep her balance. Thankfully, it only takes around ten minutes to return to Hase station. Afterward, they ride the train and get off at Zushi station.
Zoe is quiet all the way to the beach. She nods and laughs at the right moments to hide what is bothering her; however, her thoughts linger. She wonders about Kaito, about Kaito and Marie, then Seth. She wonders about why she can’t get Kaito out of her mind recently, and if it means something more.
Zoe shudders. How can she think like this? She and Seth are still together. And even if they break up, it will be wrong to catch feelings for someone else right away. It will be unfair to Seth. She can’t burden Kaito with feelings that may only be fleeting. He is only trying to be a good friend to her.
Maybe it’s because she’s been hanging out too much with him. She isn’t that stupid. Proximity matters. She doesn’t like him that way. She’s just scared of not having someone close anymore.
Her mouth dries up.
This is wrong.
She can’t be dependent again. That is the exact opposite of her goal.
Before Zoe realizes it, they already reach the beach. For a second, she forgets all that is bugging her as she lays her eyes on the vast blue sea that extends below them. She descends the stairs and runs to the shore, leaving the others behind.
The film festival is on the left side of the beach, and a lot of locals wait for the movie screening time near an arc that says: ‘Zushi Festival’. Visitors who are already inside the premises of the festival sit on blankets.
There are parents with their children building sand castles and playing with water. Some couples walk along the shore, holding hands.
The air is cold and salty, and the gritty sand gets into her shoes, tickling her toes. Zoe stretches her arms as she savors the breeze and the sound of the waves crashing against each other. The wind blows lightly, tousling her hair. The scenery is beautiful, and it calms her nerves.
“What are you doing?” It’s Kaito.
Her eyes remain fixed on the blue sea.
“Pretending I’m a bird.”
She hears him chuckle, then he also spreads his arms.
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” Kaito says, chortling. Zoe shoots a surprised look at him.
“You just quoted The Notebook!” she says and laughs along with him.
“Yeah, I did.”
They look at each other.
“How can you remember that?” Zoe asks, putting her hands on her hips. Kaito drops his arms and runs his hand through his hair.
“I’ve seen the movie countless times,” he replies.
“Does it make you cry every time?” she asks curiously. “Because I bawled my eyes out after watching that movie.”
With a small smile, he nods. “Yes. It entertains me, though. It makes me believe that there can be a happy ever after. But only for a while. I will never forget that it’s fiction.”
“Sounds like you have an inner struggle,” Zoe murmurs. “You prefer not to believe in something that’s worth believing in.”
Kaito folds his arms. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you can believe that happy ever after exists. You just choose not to.”
“Perhaps it’s a way to protect myself. You know, to reduce the blow of disappointments,” he admits.
“I get what you mean. But you said you try not to dwell on fears. I can’t understand why you’d be so… Afraid. ”
Kaito doesn’t answer. It isn’t because he doesn’t want to. It’s because he doesn’t know how to explain it to Zoe. He hasn’t figured it out himself.
“I just don’t agree with how you see it.”
Kaito narrows his eyes at her. “I guess you’ve made peace with Seth. The hopeless romantic vibe is written all over your face.”
Zoe shrugs her shoulders and stares back at the sea.
“It’s not just about Seth…” she murmurs. “I continue to believe in it… So I can go on. Recently, my life has been spiraling in different directions. It scares me. But if I don’t look forward to something, it will make everything pointless. I still want to believe that I’ll have a happy ever after.”
She tucks her hair behind her ear. “We all need to hold on to something, even on uncertainties, to survive.”
Kaito is rendered speechless. For the first time, Zoe feels victorious.
“I guess that’s fair,” he replies shortly. “But uncertainties? What do you mean?”
“Well, the thing is, Seth and I—”
Before Zoe can respond, they hear a holler from behind.
“Hey!”
They turn their backs. Taylor is calling them. The group is already sitting on the sand, waving their hands at them from afar.
Kaito wants Zoe to finish what she is about to say, but he might also pour his secrets out if he doesn’t leave that instant. He isn’t ready to tell anyone about what he’s gone through. He doesn’t think anyone will understand.
Zoe glimpses at Kaito and wonders whether what she told him is the truth. It has been a month since she arrived in Japan, but she hasn’t figured out what she’s going to do when she returns home. She will continue finishing her degree, that is for sure, yet she doesn’t know what she’ll do next. Will she go to law school like what her parents want for her?
No. She doesn’t want to. She is certain that it isn’t her goal. So far, she has only achieved the freedom that she aimed for. She hasn’t found what she wants y
et, so there are only uncertainties… And fear.
Fear of failure. Even though she hasn’t established her standard of success, she is afraid of not thriving.
But she’ll get up every day and move forward despite it.
“Let’s go back,” Zoe says.
Zoe walks slowly to the group and sits next to Naoki. Taylor fumbles through his bag and eventually takes out a bottle of sake.
“Can’t help it. We need to drink. The scenery’s too great to miss,” Taylor says, opening the bottle.
Jesse and Marie cheer. Everyone grabs plastic cups except for Zoe.
“What were you guys talking about at the beach? It looked serious,” Taylor asks.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she lies, exchanging looks with Kaito. “Just a movie we both liked.”
Zoe thought that Kaito wouldn’t like them to know, and she was right because he winks at her. It also pleases her that there is something that only the two of them share.
Taylor pours everyone drinks.
“I have a silly question,” Zoe mutters, chin dipped down.
“Yeah? What is it?” Jesse asks.
“Do you… Do you know what you’re all gonna do in the future?”
“You’re asking about our dreams?” Naoki asks.
Zoe nods.
“Dream… Hmm.” Taylor utters, resting his chin on his palm, elbow on his thigh. “We all used to dream like everything’s possible. But not everything goes according to plan. As a kid, I wanted to become a doctor.”
“Wow... That’s noble,” Kaito compliments.
“Me too,” Zoe says.
Taylor sips on his cup. “But I wasn’t good at studying. I didn’t get the required GPA to enter a good medical school.”
“What’s your major now?” Jesse asks.
“I’m in International Relations.”
“Because?” Zoe asks.
Taylor shrugs. “Because at the time, it was what made sense to me. Conflict resolution. Nation-building. I dreamt of contributing to a global society, and of course, world peace and social justice.”
Everyone gets quiet and simply nods at Taylor’s response. He guffaws.
“Why are you all so serious?”
Zoe has always thought that Taylor is just a happy-go-lucky kind of guy who doesn’t care about anything else. She’s proven wrong. Everyone seems to think the same.
“Do you like it now?” Marie asks.
“Yes,” Taylor admits. “It took some time, but I started loving it along the way. I just realized that medical school wasn’t for me. And I accepted it.”
“The same goes with me,” Naoki retorts. “I studied in a university in LA for almost a year. But my grandmother passed away, and nobody will look after her home, so we moved back to Japan. I needed to stop because a lot of things were going on… To cut the story short, I was held back for a year. I entered Todai and got into a major I didn’t choose.”
“What’s your major?” Jesse asks.
“Civil Engineering.”
“Is it difficult?” Zoe asks.
“Yes, it is,” he replies.“I studied Chemistry in LA, but my parents thought I should get a degree in Engineering instead. I didn’t like it at first… But it grew on me. I’m still taking minors now, but I’ve been reading, and I think I don’t mind it.”
“Good for you, Naoki,” Marie mutters. She shoots a look at Zoe. “How about you?”
“Me? Well…” She lowers her gaze. “I’m still not sure.”
“You’re in Political Science, right? Same as Jesse?”.
Zoe nods. “My parents initially wanted me to become a doctor… That didn’t go well. Now they want me to become a lawyer because my father is.”
“Don’t you want to?” Jesse asks.
She raises her head, smiling wryly. “No, I don’t. I still don’t know what I want, but I don’t want to pursue law. That’s why I chose to delay my graduation and come here. It didn’t make sense for a fourth-year student to go on an exchange. I won’t get any of my subjects credited. But I did. I was afraid to move forward.”
Kaito stares intently at Zoe. He knows about this, but it doesn’t make him feel sorry for her any less.
“Why don’t you tell them how you feel?” Naoki asks in a low tone.
“I don’t want to be a disappointment,” she confesses. “And if I don’t go to law school, then what do I do next? Everyone around me knows what’s coming next in their lives. They’ve figured it out. You guys know what’s in store for you as well… And I don’t. I’m afraid that I’ll get left behind.”
Marie takes her hand and gives it a light squeeze.
“It’s okay not to know. To each his or her own,” Marie mutters kindly.
“Thank you. But I’m alright,” Zoe replies, her chest feeling a little lighter. “I have decided to play it by ear. I still have a few months here and a whole year when I return. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.”
“Zoe,” Kaito calls her attention.
Zoe gazes at him. His eyes appear solemn. The rest of the group also looks at Kaito. Marie pulls her hand away from Zoe’s.
“You’ll find it. You’ll find what you want, and you’ll be amazing.”
For a second, she forgets that their friends are surrounding them.
The sun is setting, and the intense assortment of orange, pink, and yellow colors in the sky has hit the water. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore is faint in the background.
Perhaps it’s because of this scenery that Zoe feels butterflies in her stomach.
She smiles. “Thanks, Kaito. I believe so.”
Marie tells them about herself next. She says that she is taking East Asian studies because she wants to be a Professor. Zoe thinks that it will suit her since she is opinionated, eloquent, and smart. Jesse says that she also plans to enter the academe, but she hasn’t decided what post-graduate studies she’s gonna take.
Zoe feels like she has taken another step closer to her friends. It’s wonderful how strangers from all over the world can be people you can talk deep conversations with. In that short while, she has felt accepted for who she is—a person who needs to belong somewhere.
“Kaito, how about you? What’s your next step?” Marie asks.
Kaito takes a sip from his cup, shrugging. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Really?” Taylor exclaims.
Even Zoe is surprised.
“Yes,” he answers nonchalantly. “I don’t want to pressure myself into being on the same level as everybody else. We’re not in a race.”
“It’s not about being in a race. It’s about settling. Finding a path,” Zoe replies, a little frustrated that Kaito seems to be too lax regarding the thing that upsets and worries her.
“One at a time,” he responds briefly with a small smile. “I don’t plan to sacrifice my present by worrying about my future. I’ll finish my degree, although I’ll be a semester late, then I’ll just walk from there.”
“You sound so reckless,” Naoki says, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t expect this from you, Kaito.”
“We can never tell what Kaito thinks,” Marie mutters, shaking her head.
Zoe doesn’t say anything. Kaito has always seemed to be the person who has answers. But apparently, he doesn’t have any for himself.
“You must have the slightest idea of what you’d do, right?” Taylor presses further.
Zoe wants to thank him for it. She truly wants to hear something concrete from Kaito.
Kaito sighs in defeat.
“Okay… I’m an Econ major. I’d probably end up somewhere that needs me and pays well. That’s the plan.”
“Like the government?” Taylor asks again.
He shakes his head discreetly. “Nah. I’d go to the private sector.”
“It’s like you don’t care where you end up at. Would that make you happy?” Zoe asks, her tone rising.
She remembers how he told her that she should choose what makes her h
appy. Kaito’s answers don’t make sense. Everyone spins to look at her.
Kaito smiles wryly.
“Zoe, being happy on a chosen career sounds like a privilege to me. We all have standards, yet not everyone can meet those standards,” he answers.
