by Tanya Mindo
She remembers her conversation with Kaito. She isn’t lucky in love after all.
“It’s just… Unexpected. I’ve never thought that this was the reason. How did you move on from this?”
“I’m still moving on. I don’t talk to them because it’s awkward. But we’re graduating and I probably won’t see them again, so… I think it’ll be alright. I haven’t told anyone about it even though a lot of our batch mates are asking why I’m not hanging out with them anymore.”
“Then what do you tell them?”
“I make up excuses like how busy I am and stuff like that. I feel sad because they’re my friends, too. I just... Wish for them to be free. To stop lying to themselves.”
Zoe gazes down her keyboard as she contemplates her next step. Should she talk to Seth? What would she tell him?
“How are you feeling?” Elle asks. She finally stops sobbing, though her eyes are still red.
“I’m still mad but honestly, I’m… Relieved. A part of me hurts, but a bigger part is glad that I’ve finally understood what was wrong. I’m mad because he tried to control me. Us. Yet I can understand how it probably kept him intact. So... I’ll forgive him for that.”
Sighing once more, she continues, “But I need time to process everything. I can move on from this. I’m sure of it. I think I’ve gotten used to not having him around.”
Elle nods heartily.
Zoe’s chest feels lighter after talking to Elle. They chat for a bit before saying good night. She is tired from the Kamakura trip.
She jots down what happened in her journal quickly. She writes about the trip, then she writes about what she learned from Seth.
Afterward, she tucks herself in and stares at the ceiling. No matter how sleepy she is, she is kept awake with thoughts of Seth. Of the moments they shared. She ponders if she felt Seth’s sincerity.
And yes, she did.
He bossed her over, but he was always genuinely concerned about her well-being.
She had loved and was loved. For Zoe, it is enough.
For the remaining days of the Golden Week, Zoe stayed at home to read and to watch movies. Kaito went on a biking trip with Naoki and Taylor. Jesse and Marie asked her out once, but she declined. She wanted to stay indoors and reflect.
Zoe often found herself staring at Seth’s contact name on her phone, but she knew that she wasn’t ready, so she never contacted him. What was she supposed to say to Seth?
The morning on the last day of the week, Zoe stares at herself in the mirror. Her eyes fall on the necklace that he gave her.
Is it over?
Her fingers gently touch the pendant ‘S’. It twinkles, and she recalls the time when Seth put the necklace on her. Her chest constricts, but her lips twitch into a small smile.
They were idiots in the first place. They thought that they could fix each other, but that wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
Determined to accept the truth, she unclasps the necklace and keeps it in her jewelry box.
Goodbye, Seth.
On the first day back to school, her European literature class ends earlier than expected.
It is the only class she has that isn’t aligned with her major. Zoe doesn’t know why she even signed up for it. But to be honest, she looks forward to weekdays because of that course. They read poems and books and write reflection papers, and her friends didn’t take it because in Taylor’s words, it’s ‘too demanding’. However, it has been a good class. In fact, it is her favorite.
Zoe is arranging her things when Professor Hallman calls her attention. Anxiously, she saunters toward him. He is a bald middle-aged man, clean-shaven, and has a square jaw. He always wears white long-sleeves and black neckties.
“Hi, Zoe. I read your midterm paper.”
She blinks rapidly.
Why am I the only being summoned?
Professor Hallman smiles calmly.
“Don’t be nervous. I’m here to compliment you.”
Her jaw drops. “W-What?”
“Out of all my students, you were the one who wrote such a magnificent review of the book I assigned to you. It seems to me like you have a deep understanding of the text.”
Zoe stares at him blankly, her heart throbbing. She read and wrote about Crime and Punishment, and she enjoyed it. It didn’t feel like schoolwork to her. She didn’t expect that she would be praised for something that she genuinely liked doing.
“Wow. I’m… I don’t know what to say… Well… Thank you, Sir.”
“Are you a literature major?”
She shakes her head politely. “No, Sir.”
He nods, leaning in his chair. “I see. I think you have the skill to weave words perfectly. I look forward to your next output.”
Zoe smiles. “Y-Yes, Sir. Thank you!”
She gathers her things and leaves the room, blood rushing through her veins. She has always loved reading. The scent of books and the sound of flipping pages tickle a soft spot in her heart. It follows that she developed a fondness of writing. But she has never truly written anything except required paper works and her journal.
Kaito reminded her last night to go to the music club, so she walks heading straight to the classroom. Her mind continuously wanders. She is used to getting high scores for her research papers, although she writes them only for the sake of it. However, her literature class has been different. They analyze literary works and discuss their messages to the readers, and she genuinely enjoys every minute of it.
She feels odd. This flush of happiness swelling within her is new to her.
“Zoe!”
She wakes up from her trance and spins to look for whoever is calling her. It is Zhi Ming.
“Oh, hi, Zhi Ming.”
He approaches her, smiling. “You looked like you were thinking about something serious. You okay?”
“Ah, yeah,” she answers. “So… What’s up?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I heard from Kaito that you are gonna join the club.”
A flush crosses her cheeks.
“Y-Yeah, I’m actually on my way there,” she utters shyly. “I’m still nervous, but I’d like to give it a try.”
“That’s great. Can I go with you?”
“Yes, please. I’d be more comfortable with a familiar face around.”
Zoe and Zhi Ming walk to the club room and discuss random school stuff. Zoe’s heart starts beating faster as she draws closer to the door, but she has made up her mind. It is now or never.
Zhi Ming slides the door open. As expected, Japanese students, even Yui, are there. Kaito is playing the piano. Her mouth falls open, impressed. Kaito is musically gifted.
“Kaito!” Zhi Ming calls. Kaito stops playing and turns his head. He smiles before standing to approach them.
Zoe gulps, trying to keep her head straight.
“Zoe, you came,” he says happily then looks at Zhi Ming. “Hey, man.”
“Can I stay? I’d like to hear Zoe’s audition.”
“A-Audition?” Zoe reiterates, shocked.
“Yeah. The members will need to listen to you first,” Kaito says, his gaze landing on Zoe’s neck, where the necklace used to be.
He notices its absence but keeps the observation to himself.
Zoe’s knees weaken. Kaito puts his hand on her shoulder.
“Relax, Zoe. We’re gonna sing the same song from last time. You’ll be okay.”
She bites her lower lip, her muscles becoming rigid. Kaito squeezes her shoulder. “You can do this.”
Meanwhile, Yui strides toward them. “Oh, hi Zoe! You came back.”
Zoe nods, her eyes still on Kaito as he pulls his hand away.
“Are you ready this time? Can you sing?”
Kaito smiles at her confidently. Even without saying anything, his eyes speak to her, and she is comforted. It is the gaze that has always sent her the message that he trusts her.
Yui asks everyone to step aside to give way to Kaito and Zoe. Kaito grabs an acoustic
guitar, like the one at the dorm, and arranges the chairs for the two of them. Zoe senses all eyes glued on her, and the murmurs make her even more queasy. Still, she knows that she would do it. She would do it for her own sake.
Her knees stiffen, her lips quivering as she takes her seat. They sit side by side, only a meter away from each other. Two microphones are placed in front of them. She can’t lift her head. Over and over, she tells herself that it will be okay, repeatedly taking deep breaths, yet she can’t stop her knees from shaking.
“Zoe,” Kaito whispers. She turns to look at him.
“Just look at me, okay? Just like how we practiced it at the common hall. I’ll sing the first stanza, alright?” he says.
She draws a deep breath. “O-Okay.”
“It’s going to be okay. Just enjoy it.”
Zoe presses her lips against each other, then she nods.
“One, two, three.”
Then Kaito begins to pluck the strings.
Zoe is reminded of that night when Kaito called her to the common hall. She was also nervous at the time, but there was only Kaito with her. This time is different—but looking at him, she is more at ease.
Kaito starts singing. This time, he sings an entire stanza, so Zoe hears clearly how beautiful his voice is. She shakes her head in amazement, though she doesn’t take her eyes off him. Before his part ends, he winks at her, reminding her of the cue. Taking a deep breath, she opens her mouth and starts to sing. Her voice is barely audible at first, but soon, she is able to relax. Her eyes travel the room, and she sees Zhi Ming giving her a thumbs up. It boosts her confidence.
The two of them continue singing. Kaito plays the guitar perfectly, and Zoe remembers the night they jammed on the same song. Being with him on stage is perfect and wonderful and Zoe can’t explain the feelings that slowly envelop her.
Singing is only a hobby, and she knows that there will be a lot of people better than her, but right there, she feels appreciated and welcomed. She feels that everyone is listening. Truly listening. This time, they are going to finish the entire song, and although they didn’t practice, they know exactly which parts to sing.
Toward the end, their gazes interlock with each other as they sing the last line of the chorus together.
“And I… Had a feeling that I belonged. And I… Had a feeling I could be someone…. Be someone… Be someone…”
Then Kaito stops strumming. Zoe snaps out of her daze, shocked that she managed to finish the song without forgetting a lyric.
Chills ran down her spine during the entire performance but one look from Kaito became her soothing retreat. Kaito helped her get through it.
The crowd applauds. It surprises Zoe to hear cheers from everyone in the room, including Yui and Zhi Ming who stand next to each other.
They love them. They love her.
When she turns to look at Kaito, he smiles at her, and it’s the biggest smile he has given her since the first day that they’ve met. Overwhelmed with joy, she takes one step toward him. He raises his eyebrow and is stunned when Zoe wraps him in her arms.
Kaito feels as though time has stopped. The people in the room continue to applaud them, oblivious to the tingling sensation that flows in his body.
His stomach flips as she hugs him even tighter.
She is happy.
And Kaito is happy for her, so he gradually embraces her.
A few seconds later, Zoe pulls herself away, teary-eyed.
“I did it, Kaito.”
He concurs, “I had no doubt.”
“And everyone just stood and clapped! Can you believe that?” Zoe beams, happily recalling the moment after their performance. Kaito only nods, grinning.
Zoe wants to take their time to talk, so the two of them opt to drag their bikes as they walk along the shortcut.
“It’s… It’s amazing. I’ve never done anything that deserved that attention before. Aside from being awarded on stage for honors, of course. But that! That was… Wonderful.”
She suddenly stops, causing Kaito to also stop walking.
She smiles at him. “Thanks, Kaito. I think I can sing at the festival. I will need more practice, but I think… I’ll be okay.”
Kaito scratches his nose. “You don’t have to thank me. I just gave you the extra push that you need. It’s all you.”
“That’s exactly why I’m thanking you. I owe you a lot.You gave me the extra push. How can I ever pay you back?”
Kaito stares at Zoe ardently for a second before looking away.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“Would you like a meal? I’ll buy you food. Choose whatever.” She grins and continues walking with her bicycle.
Kaito watches her, remembering how the short embrace had made him feel. He admits to himself that he will probably want more.
How long can he keep this up? Should he leave her side? Should he stop now?
Zoe spins her head. “What are you still doing there?”
She is still smiling at him.
Kaito takes a deep breath and says, “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Let me stay with you for three months. Just three more months.
Zoe changes her clothes as soon as she enters her room. She is still ecstatic about earlier. Yui complimented her, and even the locals tried their best to speak to her in English to flatter her.
The day was good.
She immediately takes out her journal and writes about everything that happened from her literature class to her performance.
Even the embrace.
Zoe blushes and stops writing, her fingers quivering. She hugged Kaito. And he returned it. When his palms landed on her back, she realized how intimate they were. His touch zapped her, and she tried her best not to seem rattled.
But it didn’t mean anything. She was only grateful.
It was nothing.
She closes the journal and puts it back into her drawer. Before she shuts it, she notices the pink envelope.
Her mood shifts. She realizes that she isn’t angry anymore, but rather, frustrated. With a sigh, she takes it out and examines it for a minute.
Suddenly, she feels a surge of guilt.
She is already happy. In fact, she believes that she has moved on a bit, even before Seth sent her the letter.
Is it supposed to be that fast?
Her relationship with Seth isn’t that easy to forget; it means a lot to her, but she doesn’t want to sulk any longer. Things have been going great in her life. She wants to relish it while she can. She thinks about the content of the letter, and it makes her heart sink. They separated but she is sad because… She couldn’t be there for him.
Seth has an older brother who is already married, and from what she remembers, his parents are strict and religious. He needed somebody to understand, and he had no one. It must have been awful to go through it alone.
Before they entered their relationship, they were friends first. Therefore, she can’t leave him like this.
Zoe turns her laptop on and puts the letter back in her drawer. With an anxious groan, she sends Seth a message.
“I received your letter, Seth. Can I call you?”
He immediately replies, “Do you really want to talk to me?”
Zoe pauses for a moment.
Is she ready? But then she wonders about how Seth must be feeling. He must be confused and scared. She no longer wants to add to his burden, his guilt.
That night, she wants to officially let him go.
“Yes.”
Seth calls. Zoe answers right away. Seth is in his room, his face gaunt and pale.
“Hi,” Zoe says. “How are you?”
Seth bites his lip before responding, “I’m alright… I just defended my thesis today. I’m graduating.”
Zoe smiles. “Congratulations, Seth. How were the results of your law school exams?”
Zoe is beating around the bush, but she is concerned about him and whether his academics were affected by ever
ything.
“There are no results yet,” he replies. “How about you? How are you, Zoe?”
Zoe fiddles with her sleeves. She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
“I’m happy here, Seth. I’m having fun with my new friends. They’re good to me.”
