“And you need that?”
“Yes, I need someone to hold me accountable, someone to tell me no when I’m being an asshole. I need someone to call me on my shit and help me be grounded. That person is Shell. I’m kind of pissed that she decided not to come with us.”
Malcolm nodded. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Why are you pissed?”
Jared was quiet for a few minutes as he worked through his thoughts. Really worked through them and tried to figure out what the fuck he was trying to say. “I’m pissed because she’s strong enough to not let me control every aspect of her life. It used to be, if I asked her to come, she’d move hell and earth to do that. I ruined it.”
“Or maybe she just got stronger and realized you’re the one in charge of your own recovery. What she does only affects a small portion of how you feel about yourself. She can only support you so far, Jared. The rest has to come from you.”
Jared knew Malcolm was speaking the truth, but it wasn’t easy to hear. “I don’t want to let her down again. I don’t want to let the guys down again.”
“Do you want to let yourself down?” Malcolm asked the hard question, as always.
That was it. Did he think that much of himself? He was so used to saying that he didn’t. Punishing himself was so much easier than trying something and failing. “No.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to let myself down either. I’m worth more than I’ve been putting into myself.”
“Then I think you’ll do just fine, Jared. Remember the big picture here—the rest of your life, Shell, touring, EJ. All of that hinges on the choices you make.”
Jared hoped like hell he could continue to make the right ones.
Chapter Seventeen
* * *
Driving together to see Jared and Garrett off wasn’t something Shell ever thought she would be doing with Hannah. Back when the two couples had gotten together, she’d assumed that wherever the boys went, they would go too. That was before Garrett and Hannah got married, before EJ was born, and before Jared had gone to rehab. So many things had changed in the past couple of years—it was enough to make her head spin, and while she wasn’t looking forward to this, she knew she was strong enough to deal with it.
“You ready?” she asked Hannah as she glanced over at her friend.
Hannah was doing her best to keep it together, but Shell could see she was upset. Purposely, Jared had come to pick Garrett up that morning so that the two ladies could ride with each other while the guys hopped their plane heading to Asia.
“As I’ll ever be. This is harder with EJ than I ever imagined. It’s only two weeks, but I’m scared to death something is going to happen,” she admitted.
“That’s why I told you I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me to. It’s not a big deal. All I have in the next few weeks are some demo dates, some stuff for you, and online courses. Any of that can be done at your house, just like it can be done at mine,” Shell reassured her.
“Thank you for being here.”
Shell snorted as they got out of the Land Rover. “I could tell you the same thing. Helping you will help me not go insane wondering what the fuck Jared’s doing. I’m as nervous as you are.”
“He’ll be fine. This is his chance to prove to anyone who bothers to look and listen that he’s good. I think he knows how much this means, and I don’t think he’s gonna let you or the guys down.”
“I’m more worried about him letting himself down,” Shell told her as the two of them walked into the airport.
Sometimes it was a blessing to live in Music City and to be a well-known band or recording artist. It meant you got access to special lounges where you could wait before your plane boarded. For once, Shell was glad she wouldn’t have to do a goodbye in front of people. This one was more emotional than any one she’d ever had before.
* * *
As she walked into the lounge, holding the door open for Hannah, who carried EJ in his carrier, Shell’s eyes immediately met Jared’s. She’d never seen such a scared expression on his face in her life. Not caring who saw, she raced over to him, throwing her arms around his waist. She buried her nose in his neck and held on for dear life.
Shell was aware of him walking them somewhere, but she had no idea where until she pulled her head from his shoulder. He’d moved them into a room off to the side so that they could have some privacy.
Unexpected tears hit her full force, and she didn’t bother hiding them from him as they streaked down her face.
“Oh baby, please don’t cry. Please, you’re killin’ me,” he rasped as he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.
It hit her all at once, and she did her best to hold in the sobs, holding her body tight and still. “I’m scared for you.”
“God, Shell.” He threaded his fingers through her hair, pulling her close to him, dwarfing her body with his. “I’m scared for me too, but I don’t want you to worry. That’s the last thing I want you to do. This is going to be okay.”
“How do we know?” Her voice muffled against his shirt.
“We don’t,” he admitted. “But I’ve been given tools, and I’ve got a lot to come back to here. I’m sick of disappointing you.”
“I’m sick of the disappointment.” She hadn’t meant to say those words, but they were true, and she meant them. Maybe it was time to say them. She fisted her hands in his shirt, pulling him closer to her. “Don’t do it to me again.”
“I wish I could tell you it’s never going to happen again, but I don’t know the future. I don’t the situations I’m going to be put in. I can promise you that I’ll try not to be dickhead or be stupid.” He put his chin on her shoulder. “I wish you were coming with me.”
This was too deep a conversation to be having at an airport, but they were who they were, and conversations came when they did—no matter where they were. “I can’t always be your fallback; you have to prove to yourself that you can do this without me.”
A frustrated noise erupted from deep in his throat. “I’ve been doing it on my own. That’s why I didn’t want to see you in rehab. I wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t using you. I wanted to prove that I didn’t always have to be a fuck up, but all I did was succeed in pushing you away.” His voice was hoarse as he continued. “I didn’t mean to; fuck, I didn’t mean to. You took it in a way you weren’t supposed to.”
Fresh tears erupted from her eyes, and she pulled back from him so that she could see his dark eyes. It was important for her to see if he was being honest. When she gazed into his eyes, there was nothing but sincerity there. Finally, Jared was laying his feelings out on the line—the way she’d wanted him to for so long. “You’re going to be fine. You need help, you call me. I’ll be there, no matter what time it is. We’ve got to prove to each other we can do this. It sucks, but J, this is real life.” She cupped his face in the palm of her hands, feeling the scrape of the beard that was growing in. “Real life isn’t always going to be perfect, and we get through it however we can. I love you, and I think you can do this.”
He closed his eyes, feeling the words she said, happy as fuck she’d told him she loved him. “I love you too, and I’m going to do this for us.”
“No.” She grabbed his hand, holding it to her chest. “You do this for yourself. I’ll be here, and you can do something for me later, but you do this for you and your band. They need reassurance as much as I do.”
This time, he wasn’t going to let anyone down. He leaned in, giving her a kiss that promised that, not only to her, but to himself too.
Chapter Eighteen
* * *
“I hate that I’m going to leave you here with him. I wish we had thought about what could possibly be going on in our lives when we made this schedule,” Garrett told his wife softly, holding EJ in his arms.
“Life happens, and we can’t always plan for all the unknowns. It’s roughly two weeks. We’ll be fine,” she reassured him. “Shell said she’d stay if I need her to, and don�
��t forget my mom and dad are in town.”
Garrett glanced at her, his eyes showing a bright green through his glasses. “He’s going to grow and change so much in the time I’m gone. I hate that I’m going to miss it.”
“This is our job,” she reminded him, putting her hand on his shoulder. “We’ve gotta do what we’ve gotta do to keep a roof over our head and food on our table. Some parents work a nine to five; we work a crazy schedule for a year, and then we’re off for a year. We’ll make this work. He’s not going to forget who his daddy is.”
She wrapped her arms around the both of them, giving them the tightest hug that she dared.
“You don’t forget who your husband is either,” he spoke deeply in her ear. “It’s been a long time since we’ve not been with each other.”
She tried to think back to when that was, and it hit her; right after they were newly married and she’d been forced to do a crazy number of shows in a small amount of time in order to appease the record label. That had been a stressful period in their lives, and she was glad it was over.
“It won’t be like it was the last time,” Hannah promised, leaning up to kiss him on the neck. “We’re much better prepared than we were last time, and how in the world do you think I’m going to forget who my husband is? I love you in the crazy, scary, I’d find you way,” She giggled. “Seriously, this is going to be okay.”
He shifted EJ back down to his carrier, grinning as Brad came over and grabbed it. “Here, I’ll watch Little Man for a few minutes.”
“How weird is this role reversal?” Garrett grabbed her around the waist now that he didn’t have to worry about his son and pulled her close. “Usually it’s me telling you that everything is going to be fine. I’m the one telling you not to freak and calming your insecurities. I’m not used to all this shit.”
She giggled into his shirt. “It’s okay, babe. I got you.”
He groaned, hearing her speak the words to him that he normally spoke to her. “Just like I got you.” He leaned in, capturing her lips with his. Garrett was mindful of where they were and the fact that they couldn’t let anything get out of control, but they were who they were. He reached down and grabbed her hips, pulling her fully to him. “Damn, I’m gonna miss you.”
“Ditto,” she answered, pulling away from him. There was regret in her eyes, and for once she wished they’d planned EJ’s birth better. She wanted to be with her husband, and it was going to hurt seeing him take a plane without her.
“Guys,” Rick said as he entered the room. “It’s time.”
The mood was somber as everyone said their goodbyes to one another—each band member taking a minute to say bye to EJ.
“Love you.” Garrett leaned in, kissing Hannah one more time before getting EJ on the cheek. He looked at Shell. “Take care of my family while I’m gone.”
“You know I will. They’ll be good.” She reached in and gave him a hug.
Jared grabbed her hand. “Y’all be safe.”
She giggled, trying to keep from crying. “Funny how you’ve easily slipped into Southern vernacular.”
Feeling cheeky, he flashed her a heart-stopping smile. “I could very easily slip into something else Southern, but I don’t think we’re there yet.”
Shell was speechless as Hannah sputtered next to her.
“I love you,” he told her, reaching in to run a finger along her chin.
Before she could answer, he was gone.
Shell and Hannah watched their retreating backs for as long as they could, until they could no longer see them walking down the hallway towards the security check for their gate.
“C’mon.” Shell put her arm around her friend. “Let’s go home and do one of two things. Binge watch something hilarious, like The Big Bang Theory, or find some gelato fast.”
Hannah laughed, wiping at her eyes. “Just know this, Michelle,” she said in a mock-stern voice. “This girl does not Netflix and chill with anyone besides Reaper of Black Friday.”
Shell threw back her head, laughing so hard she also had tears come to her eyes. “Thanks,” she sniffed. “I needed that.”
“You’re here for us.” She nodded down to EJ. “We’ll be here for you.”
She knew without a doubt that in order to be strong for Jared, she would definitely need her family to be strong for her.
Chapter Nineteen
* * *
Hong Kong
Getting used to the time change was a major bitch, but Jared knew he had to keep his schedule. If he didn’t, he knew his chances of staying clean weren’t as great as they could be. Stumbling out of his bed, he blinked bleary eyes before grabbing his phone. The time read four in the afternoon, which meant it was two in the morning at home. No wonder he was so fucking tired. They’d gotten in the night before, or maybe it had been early morning, he couldn’t remember. One of their planes had been delayed and it’d thrown them completely off.
Rummaging around in his bag, he grabbed a pair of running shorts and a tank top. This wasn’t some place he was familiar with, so he knew the best place for him to be was the hotel gym. He texted Garrett.
Wanna work out?
While he waited for his friend’s answer, he went about brushing his teeth and trying to wake himself the fuck up. He’d never been the type of person to wake up early. Hell, even on benders, he’d stayed up instead of going to sleep and waking up at weird hours.
Give me five, I’ll meet you downstairs.
That made him feel better, knowing that Garrett would be there with him. It was accountability and friendship. Two things he hadn’t been sure he’d feel with Garrett again. Grabbing his stuff, he made his way to the elevator and downstairs to the gym.
He got there before Garrett, which he’d figured he would do. Taking a minute before he started his warmup, he checked his messages to see if Shell had sent him anything.
Hey, just wanted to let you know, I’m thinking about you. You’ll be fine, I know you will…and if you need anything, I’m always here on the other end of the phone line.
Jared couldn’t help the grin that covered his face. He was a lucky bastard and he knew it, because if their roles were reversed, he wasn’t sure he would be as understanding as she her.
Thanks! I’m about to work out with Garrett. I’ll give you a call later.
Putting his phone in his pocket, he looked up as Garrett came through the door. To say he was nervous was an understatement—the two of them hadn’t really talked since he’d been back from rehab. If any opinion held the same weight Shell’s did, it was Garrett’s.
* * *
They found two treadmills beside one another that weren’t occupied, and both started their warm-up. Jared focused on breathing deeply—in and out—as his legs ate up what would be miles. He kept thinking about how he wanted to approach the subject of his recovery with Garrett, but nothing sounded right.
“How are you doing?” Garrett finally asked after they had been warming up for a few minutes.
“I’m good,” Jared answered, his voice strong, breathing controlled. “But then again, we haven’t been tested yet. Or at least I haven’t been tested yet.”
“You gonna pass that test when it comes?” Garrett asked.
Jared glanced over at his friend and saw that Reaper was in full effect. His eyes were hard, his expression closed off.
“I deserve that.”
“You deserve that and a whole lot more.”
Jared took a deep breath. “So this is it? We’re gonna have it out finally?”
“We haven’t had it out yet,” Garrett reminded him. “We’ve been kind of polite around each other. Probably to a fault.”
Jared understood what he was saying and he also knew that it was time to put a stop to it. “Let me have it.” He continued running, staying in his zone. If he was going to take it like a man, he knew he would have to do it where he was comfortable. The only place lately he was comfortable, besides on stage, was with Shell or working out
.
Garrett opened and closed his mouth. “Dude, I don’t know if it’ll do any good. What if it sets you back?”
“Do you think I gave a fuck about you when I was getting high? I mean, seriously. It’s time to give me as good as I gave. I can take it, Reaper. Come at me.” Jared squared his shoulders, ready to take whatever verbal assault his friend would unleash.
* * *
Garrett had never quite felt a black anger wash over him like this one did. So often, he tried to keep the Reaper part of his personality in check. He tried to keep his anger to himself and not let anyone else privy to it, but this time, he knew he had to let it out. He had to let it fly, and he had to trust that Jared could handle it.
“I’m so fucking pissed at you, and I do mean that in present tense. I’m still fucking pissed.”
His voice was deceptively quiet, but he kept it that way so that they wouldn’t draw attention. There were a few other people besides them working out.
“The thing is, I don’t know what I’m pissed at the most. I don’t know if I’m pissed because you did what you did to me, you broke Shell’s heart, or the fact that I almost had to tell my son who his uncle Jared is through pictures and a visit to your grave.”
Jared flinched when Garrett said those words, and Garrett took note of it.
“Yeah, motherfucker, at your grave. Do you know how close you were? Do you know how that felt? Putting my fingers down your throat so that you’d throw that shit up.” He stopped running but noticed that Jared didn’t and that was fine; Jared had to get through this, however he could. That he could respect.
“Shell was scared to death when she called me, and I immediately knew it was bad. I don’t know how, but I knew it. I broke every speeding law there was getting to you, and then I saw how gray you were. She was crying, and my dad was trying to hold it together, and I knew I had to take charge. Do you know how hard that was?” He stopped and took a deep breath.
Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4) Page 7
