Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4)

by Laramie Briscoe

She couldn’t stop touching the hand on her thigh. Using her fingers, she stroked the palm, up and down, making circles, before moving on to his fingertips, feeling the callouses there. They were hard against her softness, causing goosebumps to break out along her entire body. She’d never known anyone’s hands to turn her on this much, but she’d missed him—everything about him—and being near him tonight was dangerous to her libido.

  “You keep doing that, and I seriously might come in my pants.” His deep voice spoke from over the console.

  Her head snapped up and her eyes met his. What she saw there was desire and blatant arousal. “Sorry.” She cleared her throat, but she didn’t drop his hand. A piece of her had to be touching a piece of him.

  “Don’t be sorry.” He grasped her fingers with his. “I just wanted you to know, when we get to the house, this might not be the romantic night you’ve probably envisioned.”

  She took in the picture he made, her mouth slightly open as she fought for breath. His arm was stretched out, showing the sleeve tattoo he sported from shoulder to wrist. His forearm flexed as he engaged the turn signal and made a right turn, using the palm of his free hand to maneuver the steering wheel. When she watched his fingers slowly grasped that wheel and flex themselves, she felt it in between her legs. Shell wanted to laugh; she didn’t even know why every movement he made was the biggest turn-on for her. Moving her gaze from his hands, she glanced at his face and had to smile. He was still sporting the tiny bit of stubble she’d told him during one of their FaceTime sessions she liked. If she were honest with herself, she couldn’t wait to feel the rasp of that tiny bit of hair all over her body. It was time to be honest with Jared.

  “I’m not envisioning romantic and slow.” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “I’m thinking hot, fast, race-to-the-finish-line, down-and-dirty sex like we haven’t had in a long time.”

  “Fuck,” he moaned, grasping her hand tighter. “I’m thinking you’ve got it about right.”

  The two of them were quiet as he pulled into a parking garage. “You’re living here?” she asked. It occurred to her that she’d never asked.

  “Yeah,” he laughed.

  “Taylor Swift has a condo here.” She eyed him. Of course she knew that together Garrett and Hannah had a lot of money, but funny how that had never come up with her and Jared. She’d always kind of assumed he’d squandered it.

  “You think I don’t have T. Swift money?”

  She snorted. “I’m thinking that there are very few people who have that kind of money.”

  “You’re right.” He parked her SUV and handed her the keys. “I don’t have that kind of money—my condo is a few floors below hers, but I love the building. And while I do waste money, embarrassingly, I have my own contracts for guitars, and I’ve been smart with some investments. I can take care of you, even if I do make questionable decisions sometimes.”

  “It never crossed my mind,” she said as they got out and met each other around the front of the SUV.

  “It’s something I want you to know.” He leaned in, giving her a kiss on the forehead. “You ready?” he asked as he nodded towards the elevator.

  As she was ever going to be. “Yeah.” She let the side of her mouth tilt up, giving him the kind of heart-stopping grin he hadn’t seen in months. “I am.”

  So was he. God, so was he.

  * * *

  Jared made a concentrated effort to slow himself down and not attack her on the way to his condo. Wrapping her hand in his, he made sure to keep her at arm’s length as he rolled his suitcase along behind them. Trying to play it cool, he fished his keys out of jeans pocket, and quickly unlocked the door. Pushing her in front of him, he used his foot to slam the door shut.

  They faced each other, both quiet but breathing heavily. Arousal and sexual tension was high in the air, but both of them seemed scared to act on it.

  “Remember what I said about the first time not being romantic?” he asked, moving his hand down the front of his jeans, cupping himself through the denim, showing her how hot he was for her.

  “Yeah.” Her hands went to her sweater, pulling it up over her head. “I’m completely down with that.”

  His fingers went to the button on her jeans, unclasping it as he pushed the material down around her hips, taking her panties with them. Grasping her up, he walked them into what she found out was the kitchen when she glanced around. She squealed when he sat her on the cold granite countertop and then went to work on his own jeans, pulling them down far enough to get his length past his zipper. “I’ll make this up to you, I swear to God.” He nipped at her earlobe, grasping it between his teeth.

  “You have nothing to make up.” She moaned, shoving her hands down the loosened back of his jeans, digging her fingers into his flesh. “I want this as much as you do.” It was erotic, feeling the cotton of the shirt he wore against the nipples that rubbed the silk of her bra.

  Jared pulled back, knowing he should take his time with her, knowing she deserved better than this. He was worried, though, that if he gave her enough time to think, she’d be gone. He couldn’t have that, not today, not right this minute; he fucking needed her. “Are you still protected?”

  She shivered as his stubble scraped against her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. “Yeah.”

  That was all he needed to hear; he grasped his cock by the root, held it steady, and sank deeply into her. They both moaned uncontrollably as he did so. Jared was embarrassed to admit that he was almost there; just one thrust deep into her, and he was ready to come. Six months was a long time to go without the woman you loved, and he was feeling that right now. Using his thumb, he flicked against the hard nub of her clit, not stopping the thrusts in and out of her body. They were shallow now, not nearly as deep as they had been a few seconds ago. Sweat covered his forehead as he tried to keep his dignity about him, but he knew it was worthless. His legs shook with the effort.

  “God.” She tilted her head back, closing her eyes against the strong feelings that coursed through her body, thrusting up against his cock and his thumb. “Faster,” she breathed, grasping the front of his shirt and yanking him towards her. She felt the scrape of his lip ring as he circled her nipple with his tongue.

  Pulling back, he panted. “Much faster and I’m gonna have to pull out and make sure you get there first.” He buried his head in her neck.

  Hearing this man who was larger than life and such an important part of her world be brought to his knees was all it took. She gasped, opening herself wider to him.

  “I love you, Shell,” he moaned, nipping at her neck as she felt him spill deeply inside of her.

  Just like that it was over, and they took stock of where they were, giggling. She pushed his hair off his forehead. “I love you too,” she whispered, before clearing her throat and speaking louder. “This doesn’t make everything okay. You know that, right?”

  He nodded, because he did. He hoped it hadn’t fucked everything all up.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  * * *

  Shell wrinkled her nose as she loaded her dishes in the dishwasher. She was feeling off since she and Jared had seen each other the night before, and it wasn’t just because of the quick sex. She’d expected that. She’d gone into it knowing that was exactly how it was probably going to go. What she regretted was that she hadn’t asked him how things were going. They hadn’t had a chance to talk about the tour. Being together had been more important.

  Finishing up, she put soap in the dispenser and started the machine. Just as she was about to sit on her couch, there was a loud knock at the front door. She wasn’t expecting anyone, but at least she looked decent.

  Opening it up, she smiled as she saw Jared standing there.

  “Hey!” She leaned up, hugging him around the neck. No awkwardness was a blessing. That had been one thing that worried her.

  “Hey.” He leaned in, giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. “You got plans?”

&nbs
p; “Laundry.” She pulled a face. “That I absolutely do not want to do.”

  “Come with me then.” He reached out and grabbed her hand.

  “Wait! Where are we going? I might need to change, and maybe fix my hair.” She immediately put her hand up to her hair, trying to tame it.

  He stopped pulling on her hand and turned so that he faced her, using his big palm to cup the entire side of her face. “You look just as beautiful right now as you did last night coming on my cock.”

  She laughed, her face burning red. “What a charmer you are!”

  “I try.”

  “Really, where are we going?”

  He leaned down so that they were more on each other’s level. “I get my six-month coin tonight, and I’d like for you to be there. I know it’s not much, and it feels like I’m rehashing shit I’ve already given you.” He remembered giving her his old one the previous Valentine’s Day. “But, I want you to be here for this. I want you to be as involved in this as you can. I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

  She knew this was his way of including her in his process, and she had to be open to it. It wasn’t easy for Jared to open himself up and invite people in. “Of course I’ll be there. Do I need to bring anything?”

  He shook his head. “Just yourself. I’m on the bike, so you might not even want to bring a purse. Anything you need, I got it.”

  She tried her best not to be flattered and impressed, but she was. This was the Jared she’d missed like hell. The one she hoped everyday would be the one who made it out of this.

  * * *

  This time, sitting in the meeting beside Jared, Shell felt more comfortable to offer her hand. Even though things weren’t perfect between them, she felt like she deserved to be here, and that she could be a part of his life without being a hindrance. That was a big thing for her.

  “I see some new faces, some old faces, and some faces that I’m very proud of tonight,” the meeting leader said as he glanced around the room. “Jared is getting his six-month sobriety chip tonight.”

  There was a round of applause, and Shell felt like she clapped louder than anyone else. She was that proud of him. She watched as the leader made his way over to Jared and gave it to him.

  “Thanks.” Jared looked down at the coin in his hand, and she wished she knew what he was thinking.

  “You wanna say anything?”

  Jared was quiet for long minutes, and Shell thought that maybe he’d sit this one out, not offer anything this time, but then his deep voice filled the silent room. “This isn’t my first rodeo. Two other times in my life, I’ve sat in these meetings and gotten chips for being good at working the program. Once, I was even sober for a year.”

  “What’s different this time?” Someone spoke up from beside them, and she glanced over, seeing a young guy.

  “This time, it’s more than myself to think about.” He grabbed Shell’s hand and squeezed. “The woman sitting next to me has been to hell and back with me, and I owe it not only to her, but myself, to make sure this sticks.”

  The guy beside them spoke again. “My lady, she told me I had to do this, that in order for us to be together, I had to get my shit together.”

  Jared sat up straighter. “I’m gonna be real with you, brother…you look young.”

  “Twenty-two last week.”

  “Dude, you’re a baby. You’re gonna fail—it might not be my failure—which was fucking epic, but there will be something on this journey that takes you more than once to get. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t let others give up on you. Give yourself permission to fall down, get up, and dust yourself off. You’re gonna need that. Make sure you keep your friends and your girl close. If she’s asking you to get help, man, she cares about you. Don’t throw that shit back in her face,” he advised the younger guy.

  Shell couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her boyfriend—and that’s what he was; he’d never stopped being the man in her life. The man who never said more than thirty words at one time was telling this kid how it was and what he could expect with the life of an addict. He wasn’t sugar-coating it either.

  “At some point, you’re gonna fuck up, and you’re gonna have to ask for her forgiveness again. If she doesn’t give it to you, if your friends don’t give it to you, you have to accept it. You accept it, you come back here, and you work the program. You get yourself a sponsor, and you work the fucking program. That’s what it’s here for, that’s what we’re here for. You’re not alone.”

  The kid glanced up and recognition glowed in his eyes. “Thanks, Train.”

  He let go of Shell’s hand, got up, and walked over to where the kid sat, putting his hand out. “There is no Train here. My name’s Jared, and if you need something, just ask.”

  Shell had never been as proud of him as she was in this moment, and she fought against tears that threatened to fall. He was finally getting it.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  * * *

  “Are we doing anything with the band today?” Jared asked Garrett as the two of them ran in Centennial Park.

  “Rick had said something, but then he said it was cancelled. As far as I know, our schedule is wide open for at least a week. Did you get the email that said we have to go back to California at the end of March for those meetings about the new record?” Garrett groaned. “I never thought I would say this, because you, of all people, know how much I love the ocean and my house, but this place feels so much more like home. I don’t have to worry about people trying to get pictures of my family here, and it’s less crowded.”

  “I totally agree with you, and I never thought I would say that either.” Jared reached up and wiped the sweat off his face. “There’s much less temptation here, and I don’t always have to be on. Plus, I’m pretty sure Shell won’t ever move out there for good.”

  “How are things going with her? I haven’t wanted to be all up in your business, but I do hear her and Hannah talking every night, and man, the giggling the other night. What did you do?”

  Jared flashed him a self-satisfied smile. “We kind of got reacquainted, if you know what I mean.”

  Garrett laughed. “I kinda figured. Hannah has this one giggle, usually it means she’s talking about sex, and I knew it wasn’t about me.” He pursed his lips. “We’re getting better, but we’re still trying to figure out that part of our lives with EJ.”

  “You’ll get there,” Jared assured him. He had no fucking clue, but that’s what you were supposed to do for friends. He forged on. “The reason I asked if we had anything going on today is because I think I wanna take Shell out. For like a day date. We haven’t done that yet.”

  Their mile counter went off, and Garrett stopped, walking at a fast pace to start their cool-off. “You’re serious this time, aren’t you?”

  Jared felt like he could be honest with his best friend. There had been times in his life when he hadn’t been, but now was a good time to start. “I love this girl, I want her in my life for the long haul, but I know I’ve fucked this up—more than once. I’m trying to prove to her and to all of you that I’m serious this time. Unfortunately, I know that it’s hard for all of you to believe it, so the important thing is I keep working until it clicks.”

  All the other times Jared had tried to get clean, he’d never taken responsibility for his own actions. They’d had numerous conversations like this—the two of them—and in the past, it had always been about how people had done him wrong. He blamed the guys, he blamed his parents, and he blamed his childhood. Garrett had never heard him own up to his own shortcomings. “I’m proud of you.” His voice was sincere, clear, and honest. “I’ve never heard you be this way before when it comes to your recovery. I have hope it’ll stick this time.”

  Jared stopped walking and faced his friend head-on. “Before I left for rehab this time, I sat a table doing lines of Coke, and I had the distinct impression that if I don’t take this seriously, if I don’t make this stick and work the fucking progr
am, I’m dead. I can’t say for sure when that will be, but I had the feeling that if I don’t kick this shit, I’m going to die, and it’ll be sooner rather than later. Regardless of the bullshit I’ve spewed for years, I honestly don’t want to die. I hope that immature Jared of the previous years is gone. I have shit to live for, which is way more than most people who battle this disease have.”

  Garrett could have dropped to his knees and cried. This was exactly what he’d preached every time he’d talked until he was blue in the face. Grabbing his friend up in a hug, Garrett closed his eyes. “You get it.”

  Jared hugged him back. “I do, I finally do.”

  * * *

  Shell fussed with her hair, trying desperately to get it to lay the way she wanted it to. Thirty minutes before, she’d gotten a text from Jared that told her to get ready; he was coming to spend the day with her.

  She would have been lying if she hadn’t said that her stomach hadn’t bubbled with anticipation and excitement. The fact that he wanted to spend time with her made her happy, it made her think he’d really changed. Before, he’d been so closed off to her that finding out how he felt was like pulling teeth, and while it wasn’t easy now, she realized being with him and sharing moments was easy. There was a knock on her door, and she all but fucking skipped. Calm down, she told herself.

  She opened the door and smiled slowly as she took in the picture standing in front of her. This man, her man, looked so good. Worn jeans hugged his thighs, a black T-shirt showed off the now flat stomach he sported, an equally worn leather jacket hugged his bigger biceps, and mirrored aviators along with black motorcycle boots made him look like the baddest of bad boys.

  “Hey.”

  Had she sighed that word? Had she really sounded that desperate? The amusement on his face told her she had.

  “Hey yourself.” He took the sunglasses off.

  Looking into his dark brown eyes, she again saw the amusement. “Stop.”

  He gave her an innocent look. “Stop what?”