Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4)

by Laramie Briscoe

  “Because I think that what a lot of you are missing here, who don’t get it, is that once you die, you’re gone. You don’t come back. The ones who love you are left holding nothing. They’re left with memories and nightmares and questions of why and what they could have done to change things. When really it’s your own fucking selfishness that we’re dealing with. You’re gone, it doesn’t matter to you, and we’re left dealing with the feelings and holding ourselves together without the people we love. How fucking fair is that? How can you keep telling us that you love us when you refuse to make a change that would do nothing but benefit us?”

  She looked around at every addict and every partner. “People call you brave for making a change in your lives, and I applaud that because I know it’s hard.” She glanced at Jared. “But it would be nice if y’all could step out of your self-imposed why me cave and realize that loving you, the addict, is even harder. In the end, sometimes we’re left with nothing but a casket, a box of pictures, and memories that will fade over time. You think you get it? You have no fucking idea.”

  She got up and made her way to the exit, leaving Jared floored as he tried to come to grips with what she’d said.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  * * *

  Leaving Nashville while he and Shell weren’t on great terms fucking sucked. After she’d left the meeting, he’d tried to confront her, tried to get her to tell him what was going through her mind, but she’d been too raw. Hell, he’d been raw too, trying to figure out how she’d kept all of this hidden, and how she’d kept her feelings to herself while still giving him pieces of her.

  “You look rough,” Garrett told him, having a seat next to him in the van that was taking them from the airport to the record company.

  “Shell and I had a bit of an argument the other night, and I didn’t even know we were having it.” And that was true. Maybe he’d been stupid for believing things were fine, that even though they hadn’t hashed out the biggest differences, they were strong.

  “I hate when that shit happens. Wanna talk about it?” Normally, Garrett wasn’t the kind of man to want to be feely with anyone but his wife; however, he would make an exception for Jared.

  Jared sighed, folding his arms over his chest. It had always been, and still was, a defense mechanism. “She came with me to a meeting, and while we were there, a wife started talking. I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, Shell started talking, and all this stuff that I’m assuming she’s kept inside started pouring out. After she was done, she left, and she hasn’t talked to me since.”

  “Damn, man, how long ago was that?”

  Jared picked at his jeans. “Two days ago.” He swallowed roughly. “I know I’ve not done a lot of things right with her, but I thought we were in a good place, and I thought we were moving ahead and moving past all the shit.” He sighed. “I don’t know what to do at this point. Then we had to leave this morning.” He leaned forward and put his head in his hands, his voice rough. “I don’t know what to do, and I fucking refuse to lose her. We’ve worked so hard to make shit work.”

  Garrett searched for the right words to offer his friend, but there weren’t any. “I wish I could tell you that things are going to be okay and that things will work themselves out, but I don’t know what to say.”

  “I don’t know either. I don’t know where we go from here because she won’t talk to me.” He growled in frustration. “This is what she does, and in the past I’ve let her do it, but fuck, I need her to be all in with me right now.”

  “I’m telling you, I’ve seen you two together recently. She is all in with you. I think she got scared.” Garrett tried to think back to the things he’d heard Shell and Hannah talking about. “Do you think it was getting too serious for her?”

  “Fuck, man, it’s serious for me. I got her ass a ring,” he admitted lowly.

  Garrett’s mouth opened in shock, and he pulled his sunglasses down. “What?”

  “I got her a ring at Valentine’s Day.” He chuckled in a self-deprecating way. “I’ve been carrying this fucking thing around with me in my pocket for months, and I thought we were finally at a point where she might accept it, and now this bullshit.”

  Garrett could tell Jared was getting irritated and his anger was getting the better of him. He wanted to calm him down, because when Jared got irritated on the West Coast, it was dangerous.

  “Give her and yourself some time,” he told him. “You love her, she loves you, every once in a while you’re gonna fight. You think Hannah and I don’t?”

  Jared faced him, his eyes flashing. “No, I do know that you fight, but she doesn’t ignore you like a brat.”

  “Oh Jesus, Jared. She does; she stomps her feet and screams too. This isn’t out of the ordinary behavior. She’ll get over it, you’ll get over, and then you’ll fuck each other’s brains out and be done.”

  Jared shook his head, because he wasn’t completely sure.

  * * *

  Flying into California for the day was always a pain in the ass, because it meant they had meetings. Neither he nor Garrett felt that their home was in California anymore, and he was seriously considering selling his house.

  Jared flopped on his couch, listening to the silence. This was the time when he needed to work his program. He felt the walls closing in, and he wondered what he would do with himself. Everything in him wanted to call Shell; he wanted to hear her voice, see her face, anything. He opened his phone and ran his thumb along his contacts until he saw her name, and dialed. Like he knew it would, it went straight to voicemail. He cleared his throat and started to speak.

  “I’m not going to pretend I understand what the fuck I put you through, and I’m not going to pretend you walking of there didn’t hurt me, but what I want more than anything is for you to pick up the damn phone. Pick up the phone and call me. I want to work this shit out. I need to work this shit out,” he begged. “I love you.”

  Disengaging the call, he threw his head back against the cushion of the couch. Tomorrow, he could go home. He just had to make it through tonight. His phone vibrated in his hand, and immediately, he hoped it was Shell. Glancing down, he saw it was Garrett, and a text came through.

  EJ has RSV and they are putting him in the hospital. I’m heading back to Nashville tonight. See you in day or so.

  Jared’s stomach dropped. Hopefully that was why Shell hadn’t answered his call, because she was dealing with drama at home. Then he thought about EJ—the little nephew he never knew he wanted—in the hospital, and he wondered why things always had to be so crazy for them.

  If you need anything let me know. I’m here for you, in whatever capacity you need.

  Just like that, the walls were closing in again. He needed to get out of his house and find a place, as far away from town as he could to run. He needed to get his blood pumping and feel it flowing through his veins. He needed to clear his head, because right now, he could taste the drugs he would love to take. It would be so easy to call a friend and ask them to bring something over; it would be so easy to let himself play the victim again.

  Getting up from the couch, he changed into shorts, a T-shirt, and his running shoes. Opening the door, he came face-to-face with someone who had their hand up, knuckles read to knock.

  “Murph?”

  He was shocked the man who had provided him with the heroin that contributed to his OD was here, in the flesh, right now, when he least needed to see him.

  “Train, dude, how about you invite an old friend in?”

  Jared wished he was strong enough to say no, but he wasn’t. He stepped back from the door and made enough room for the other man to come in, hating himself the entire time.

  Chapter Thirty

  * * *

  Jared knew he should make Murph leave. He’d been here all night, and they’d been rehashing the “good times” they’d had. It was hollow for Jared. He didn’t remember any of those times as good. This far into his recovery, he could finally ad
mit that the partying hadn’t been fun, but it’d been comfortable. That was a hell of a revelation.

  Finally Murph got up to leave. “It was good seeing you again, Train.” He held out his hand for Jared to give him a shake, and when Jared did, he felt plastic against his palm.

  “What’s this?” he asked, freezing when he saw a bag of heroin.

  “My gift to you. Welcome home, dude.” Murph grinned, knowing exactly what he’d done, and grabbed his stuff, leaving Jared alone as he walked out the front door.

  Fuck, Jared thought to himself. This was his test; this was what he’d been waiting on. He’d known at some point there would be a test. He just hadn’t thought it would be at the lowest possible time he’d been at in a while.

  Sitting down at his breakfast bar, he put the plastic packet down in front of him on the countertop and stared. What he decided to do here would change his life forever. His mouth watered as he flipped the packet over and over in his hand, running it through his fingers. He knew it was a bad idea, but he opened the packed and dumped it out onto the granite. He licked his lips, almost able to taste it. Reaching into his wallet, he pulled out a credit card and started lining it up, cutting it and sectioning it off. It was so familiar to him. He rolled his head on his neck and looked away from the rows. They were inviting to him, telling him that if he would just roll up a dollar, bend over, and take the hit, things wouldn’t bother him anymore. He wouldn’t be worried about Shell, EJ, or anything else. His loneliness would be gone, and he would feel good about himself.

  The sane, rational part of his mind told him he was fucking dumb. That if he took this hit, he’d be throwing away everything he’d worked so hard for the past few months. He berated himself, wondering why he couldn’t commit to being clean, but he sure as fuck could commit to being a fuck-up. His eyes went to his phone, and he picked it up, once again dialing Shell’s number.

  * * *

  Walking out of the hospital, Shell was exhausted. Luckily EJ was going to be released later on in the day, but the night before had been scary. When Garrett had showed up, she’d known she could go home, but she hadn’t wanted to go home to an empty house. Stepping into the parking lot, her phone came alive, notifying her of calls and texts, and it started ringing again. When she saw Jared’s face, she knew she had to answer.

  “Hey,” she answered softly, walking quicker to her car. Once she got there, she got inside and shut herself there.

  “How are you?” he asked.

  She could tell by the way he spoke to her that something was going on. There was a strained tone to his voice she hadn’t heard in a long time. Immediately, she was on alert and sitting up straight in her driver’s seat. “Jared, talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing, feeling sorry for myself. I need to get back to Nashville.”

  “C’mon, J, FaceTime me,” she told him, disconnecting the call. Her fingers shook as she re-dialed. She breathed a sigh of relief when he answered. “What’s going on?”

  “Murph came by last night.”

  Her blood ran cold. She knew exactly who Murph was, and she wondered immediately what he’d done. “Did you do anything?” she asked, trying to keep the accusation out of her voice.

  He turned the phone so that she could see what was in front of him. “Not yet.”

  Suddenly she was tired, so fucking tired of this. She couldn’t even get angry with him, couldn’t even begin to tell him how disappointed she was. What she’d said the other night at the meeting was the truth. “Aren’t I good enough not to do that for?”

  “You are, but it still tempts me.” The honesty was in his voice.

  Her tone was resigned. “But is it worth it? Is it really worth it, Jared? Losing me? Losing your friends, your family. Is it worth it? Is that line of heroin or cocaine, whatever the fuck it is—is it worth it? I can’t fight for you if you don’t want to fight for yourself.”

  A million things went through his mind. “Why the fuck do I keep doing this?”

  “I don’t know,” she sniffled, letting the tears she’d been trying to hold back fall. “I don’t know how I can prove I love you anymore than I already have. The question you have to ask yourself is are you worth it? Do you finally feel like you’re worth it?”

  “I want to believe I am.”

  “Then make your decision, J. This is one I can’t make for you, but know that if you make the wrong decision, I’m done. I’m completely and fully done with you. It will be hard, and it will break my heart—but there are no more chances.”

  She disconnected the call and leaned her head against the steering wheel, letting the tears fall.

  * * *

  Shell was drowning in her own misery, telling herself that if Jared wanted to choose drugs over her, there was nothing she could do about it. A knock on her window startled her, and she lifted her head up, seeing Hannah standing there. Rolling down the window, she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to keep it from trembling.

  “Yeah?”

  Hannah frowned and looked as if she wanted to say something but didn’t. Instead she reached into the SUV, handing Shell an envelope. “You need to read this. It’s time.”

  When she looked at the envelope, she realized it was the one Jared had left for her on Valentine’s Day. Hannah gave her a timid smile and turned on her heel, going back into the hospital.

  Once again alone, Shell flipped it between her hands, stomach clenching at the thought of reading it. But what else was there to do?

  Chapter Thirty-One

  * * *

  Her hands shook as she ripped into the sealed package and pulled the letter out. It wasn’t long like she thought it would be, but she recognized the slanted script he wrote in. Wiping underneath her eyes, she sighed and brought the letter up so that she could see the words.

  Shell,

  I’ve told you over and over again that I’m not the type of man who reveals his feelings. I was always taught as a kid not to, that it didn’t help anything and that no matter what you told people, they still had the ability to break your heart. They had the ability to leave, and then you’d be alone again. So I never told anyone how I felt.

  Until you.

  And even now, I can’t tell you how I feel in person like I should, but that’s something I’m going to work on. That’s something I don’t ever want you to question, and if you do question it…remind me of this. Remind me of how fucking empty I’ve felt the last few months. Remind me of how I’ve cried myself to sleep, wanting you with me. Don’t let me fuck things up. This is me begging for help and telling you that I love you more than anything in this world.

  My world begins and ends with you.

  Don’t give up on me.

  I love you.

  Jared

  Breathing deeply, she wasn’t sure what she should do. Closing her eyes, she sent up a small prayer, asking whatever spiritual being there was to show her what to do. To show her if it was worth taking one more chance.

  Picking up her phone, she texted to him the only thing she could think of.

  I love you, but you have to love yourself enough to walk away from your temptations. I’m reminding you of how lonely you were and how your world begins and ends with me. My world begins and ends with you. Please don’t break my heart.

  The tears continued to fall as she made her way out of the parking lot, towards her home. Nothing would get solved until he was home, and it wouldn’t do her any good to worry about it.

  * * *

  “I need out of here today,” Jared told the airline attendant. “It’s an emergency.”

  He had to get home to Nashville; he had to get to Shell. As he’d entered the airport, he’d received her text message and knew she’d finally read his letter. It was the sign he’d been waiting on. He knew right then what he was supposed to do—he had made the right decision to flush the heroin down the toilet. His hands had been clammy and shaky as he had scooped up the white powder and deposited in the toilet. It had ta
ken everything he’d had in him not to lick his hands and try, just once more, to feel the euphoric feeling. But he couldn’t; he was sick of being that guy. He was sick of being the fuck-up. For once, he wanted to be who everybody thought he was. He wanted to be someone everyone else could be proud of. He would pass this test, he would go to Nashville and he would have the life he was meant to have.

  “Okay, we can get you on one leaving in thirty minutes, but you’re going to have to run for it,” the attendant told him.

  “Whatever you got, I’ll make it.”

  His heart pounded in his chest as he ran full-speed through the terminal, making his way through the gate right before it closed. No matter how fast this plane flew, it couldn’t get him back to Nashville fast enough.

  * * *

  Shell hadn’t heard a word from Jared since she’d texted him, and to say she was nervous was an understatement. There were a million scenarios running through her head, and she just wanted to hear his voice, to know that he was good, that he was okay, but she was standing strong about taking the step. Flipping her phone over and over on her thigh, she’d made the decision to call Hannah when her doorbell rang. Getting up, she threw open the door.

  There, almost exactly like he’d been on Valentine’s Day, Jared stood there, holding flowers out to her. This time he wasn’t wearing a suit, but there was a huge smile on his face.

  “I’m here. I choose you, I choose clean, I choose to be the person so many people never thought I could or would be,” he said in a quick rush of words.

  Tears came again for her, this time happy ones, as she threw herself into his arms, wrapping herself around him. “I’ve never been so happy to see you,” she choked out, her mouth buried in his neck.