by Loretta Lost
I just want her to be comfortable from now on, and free of pain. I just want to do everything in my power to make her feel good and happy. She deserves that.
But somehow, I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting.
Caroline. Wedding.
Oh, shit. How did I completely forget that I’m fucking engaged? I try to find the strength to pull away, and resist the urge to kiss her back, but try as I might, I can’t help myself. This feels right. This is where I’m supposed to be.
Carmen’s kisses are desperate, and I can feel that she needs me as much as I need her. My brain grows cloudy, and I don’t think I’ve ever needed a woman quite as much as I need her in this moment. I feel so exhilarated, so alive. I feel so unbearably grateful that she is alive. I feel like we narrowly escaped utter annihilation, and the natural response is to rejoice in simply being here, on this planet. Together.
I also want to burn all my stupid porn movies, because no scenario has ever come close to making me feel this way. This is the only moment I have ever experienced when real life was better than fantasy. I wish I had been the one to rescue her, but I don’t care that I wasn’t. Her victory is my victory, and I am so proud that she was capable of saving herself. Holding her now still makes me feel needed, and like I was somehow part of this, even in spirit. I feel like a man. Something about her touch just heals my fragmented soul. I feel needed. I feel loved.
Sleeping pills.
The image of my girlfriend’s motionless body, and her pale and ashen skin, rushes back into my brain. I remember those few moments of panic when I thought that she had killed herself.
No.
I’ve been down this path before, and I’ve seen where it ends. Everyone gets hurt. I use every ounce of my strength to pull myself away from Carmen’s kiss. Her eyes open in innocent surprise, and she looks up at me questioningly. God, give me strength. I find myself close to the point of tears as I try to ignore the fiery sensations still blazing in my lips. I feel like I’m slicing my own skin off as I peel myself away from Carmen’s body, and I find myself gasping with pain from the effort. I want nothing more than to hold her tightly, and never let her go. I want the chance to finally be with her.
She should be mine.
I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I don’t know how I know, but I just know.
I need her to be mine. But I’m trapped.
“Carm,” I say softly as I move away, placing inches between us that feel like miles. I have to fight back my tears when I speak, and my voice quavers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought you hated me. What have I done?”
Lifting herself onto her elbows, she looks at me quizzically. “Owen? What did you do?”
I need to say it. Oh, god, why am I such a fucking idiot? I have to look away from her eyes, and down to her chin as I speak. “I—I got back together with Caroline while you were gone.”
She freezes slightly, and stares at me in the dim silence of the room. “You did?” she asks in a small, breathless voice.
“Y—yes,” I say, struggling to get the word out. “But—I don’t… Dammit, Carm. I was a fool. I let her father pressure me into proposing to her. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me…”
She nods slowly, turning away and grabbing her pillow to hug it tightly against herself again. “It’s okay. I know that I was really mean to you. I didn’t expect you to wait for me, when I just disappeared like that.”
“But Carmen—you didn’t disappear. You were kidnapped—”
“No,” she tells me softly. “I went with him willingly. It’s my fault.”
“Willingly?” I ask in confusion.
“When I heard about my dad and saw the house burning down, I went a little crazy. I decided that it was all or nothing, and I was going to take this guy down. I just needed to get close to him first. And, well—I didn’t think I would get out of there alive, and I didn’t want you to miss me too much if I ended up kicking the bucket.”
“Carmen,” I tell her in astonishment. “You are nuts. Seriously nuts. Why didn’t you ask me for help?”
“I tried,” she says, giving me a little smile. “You said you wanted five more minutes, and that was too long for me to wait. This guy hurt and killed people I care about. I just couldn’t wait.”
I remain silent for a few seconds, letting this sink in. “Well, that’ll teach me,” I mutter. “I am never sleeping in again. All of this could have been avoided!”
“Maybe not,” Carmen tells me as she stares out to the window. “I suppose I needed to do this on my own anyway. It felt good to pull the trigger.”
I don’t know how to respond to this, so I simply stare.
After a moment, she turns to me with a tired smile. “When’s the wedding?”
“August,” I tell her sadly.
She nods.
“I could cancel on her,” I say hesitantly, “but I promised. I went home that day, after you left—Caroline had overdosed on sleeping pills, and I needed to induce vomiting to save her life. If I hadn’t been there… She really took our breakup hard, and I couldn’t put her through that again.”
“Of course,” Carmen says gently. “I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“But,” I tell her quietly, “I want you to know that I love you.”
“I know,” she says softly.
“I called you hundreds of times. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Carmen, I just…”
“I love you, too,” she says, as she stares out of the window and hugs her pillow. “That’s fine. That’s enough for me. I understand your obligations.”
I sit and stare at her in disbelief. She is taking this so well. Much better than I am. I clench my jaw in anger and frustration. “Carmen,” I begin firmly. “I want you to know—”
“Shhh,” she says lightly, turning to look at me with a genuine smile. “I’m just glad to see you again. I’m just happy that you’re alive and well. I’m just thankful that we can have this moment at all. I don’t want to ruin your life, Owen. I just want you to be okay. I just want you to be happy.”
“Carm,” I murmur quietly, in awe of her calmness and maturity. I somehow feel like this whole experience has changed her irrevocably. But of course it has. How many women can say that they’ve honestly needed to kill a man? An experience like that alters the fabric of your being.
“Maybe we can still be friends,” she suggests, lowering her chin to the pillow. “It would mean a lot to me—just to be able to see you now and then.”
“Definitely,” I vow to her. “We’ll be friends. I promised you I’d try to help you get your babymaking parts fixed up, and my offer still stands. I’m going to hook you up with the best doctors around. You’ll see.”
“Thanks,” she says with a smile. “You’re a great guy, Owen. One of the best.”
“It sure doesn’t feel that way,” I tell her with a sigh.
Carmen narrows her eyes at me. “Then fix it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life is too short to go around feeling like shit. Not when we have so much to be thankful for.”
I flinch a little at her scolding, but I nod in agreement. “You’re right. I guess I’m a little awesome. But not even one-hundredth as awesome as you are, Carmelita. I mean, do you even know how many awesome points you just gained? Infinity! Some guy messed with you, and you took him out. How badass is that?”
This coaxes a very small smile out of Carmen’s sad lips. “Thanks, Owen. I guess I am awesome to the power of infinity. I’ll remember that when you’re off marrying someone else.”
“Ouch,” I say sharply, feeling like I have literally been stabbed in the gut. I bite my lip. Carmen has no idea. Marrying Caroline is going to be way harder on me than it will be for her. I do not want to do it, but I’m stuck with it now. I’ve made my commitments. I’ve made my promises. If I don’t go through with it, I’ll be the biggest dick on the planet.
So why do I want to throw all my plans out the window? I haven’t sent
all the save-the-dates yet. We haven’t really planned the wedding. Could I somehow still back out of it? Would we get our deposit for the venue back? Maybe we could just use the venue for a big party instead of a wedding…
You’re going to marry my daughter, or your friend Liam is going to lose his medical license for fucking a patient.
Dammit. I can’t let Liam get hurt because of my big mouth. Life is just a big game of chess, and I’m totally checkmated. I feel like I have tried moving in every direction, and every step I take is going to get me into trouble.
Who am I kidding?
I’m stuck with Caroline, and I’m going to be stuck with her forever. I’ll have to find a way to deal with the cards I’ve been dealt. I’ll have to find a way to accept my fate, and be happy with my new bride and my new life.
It’s just a little difficult when the woman of my dreams is sitting right in front of me and loving me the way I’ve always wanted to be loved. I wish I could just hold her. I wish I could just kiss her. I wish I could show her how much she means to me. It kills me that I will never get a chance to do so.
Never.
Not even once.
This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, isn’t it?
I stare at Carmen in the dark, observing the regal outline of her nose and chin. I study the hard set of her eyes and jaw. I can’t believe how strong she is. I’ve been admiring her strength since the moment I met her, but now, she has transcended everything I can comprehend. She has taken the concept of strength to a new level that makes me feel like I am unworthy to even be in her presence. I feel like I am practically quaking in amazement.
Carmen Winters is not just unbelievably sweet, gorgeous, funny, and smart.
She’s a goddamned superhero.
And I’ve let her go.
Chapter Twenty
Carmen Winters
So, Owen is getting married. I didn’t expect that.
Leslie’s sprinklers are watering her perfectly manicured lawn. I sit by the window and stare at them, while tightly hugging my pillow. I haven’t been able to sleep for days. Sometimes I can manage to rest for a few minutes, but every time I close my eyes, I see Brad’s surprised expression as I place the gun in his mouth. I can feel the hard shape of the cool metal instrument clenched tightly in the palm of my hand. I can feel the clink as the metal collides with his teeth, and then, as my finger squeezes the trigger, the feeling of his face shattering. I keep waking up in a cold sweat, thinking that I am back in that church. I keep seeing the maid’s frightened expression as she grasps my hand.
“Drive! Please. Fast. Go very fast.”
With everything that’s happened, my mind is such a mess that I don’t really know how to react to the news about Owen’s engagement. It isn’t totally out of the blue. Caroline did propose to him right before I left. They do still share an apartment, so with me gone, I can see how he would end up back together with her. Owen is just a big softie, and it’s easy to convince him to do anything.
I just don’t know how I should feel. Am I allowed to feel betrayed? Should I feel sad?
Maybe. But I’m still processing all this.
I am only capable of feeling horrified that I just killed a man.
And relief.
Relief that I survived it all.
Owen might not be mine, but at least he’s safe, healthy, and happy. With Brad gone, everyone I love is finally safe, healthy, and happy. My dad is recovering well from his burns, and Helen seems to be in good spirits. Liam is taking good care of her. What more could I really ask for?
Well… I wouldn’t mind having my husband and my daughter back.
Everything has come to an end now—but what about my happy ending? If this is what a happy ending feels like, I am not impressed. I don’t know if I thought that as soon as I was able to avenge my family, they would somehow be magically brought back to life. What was the point of killing Brad if it couldn’t return my loved ones? Everything is so quiet now.
I feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all.
It was almost easier when Brad was still here. I had a goal; something to focus on. Spending all my energy on hating him and trying to outsmart him saved me from really having to think about anything else. I didn’t have to think about my future. Now, I’m all alone with the monsters in my head. I can’t relax. I can’t let go of this anxiety, and this feeling that there is trouble waiting for me around every corner.
And worst of all, I have to grieve all over again.
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts, and I look up with fear. When the door is pushed slightly ajar and I see Helen is standing there in the crack, I exhale with relief.
Who was I expecting? Brad is already dead.
“Sorry if I startled you, Carm,” Helen says as she steps forward, holding out two items in her hands. “The police were able to recover your phone and your car.”
Squinting, I realize that she is holding my car keys and my cell phone. The sight of the items immediately fills me with comfort, and I stand up to accept them. The glitzy cell phone case makes me smile with nostalgia for the fun and fabulous girl I used to be. These are artifacts from back when things were normal. Could my life ever return to such normalcy?
“Where was my car?” I ask softly as I close my fingers around my phone.
“Apparently, Brad had one of his accomplices store your vehicle in a nearby garage,” Helen says with a raised eyebrow. “On his orders, they even washed it, gave it an oil change, polished the headlights, and detailed the interior. Pretty considerate for a serial killer.”
I nod slowly. “That was nice of him. He must have remembered that I was late for my oil change.” I pause, glancing up at my sister’s worried face. “And you say that I have bad taste in men!”
Helen stares at me for a moment, trying to conceal her smile. “Carmen!”
“Too soon?” I ask innocently.
She shakes her head in disapproval. ““Your phone was dead,” she says, gesturing to my hand. “But I charged it up for you.”
“Thanks, Hellie,” I tell her as I examine the home screen. My eyes widen slightly when I see that there are over four hundred missed calls from Owen over the past week. Wow. I’ve had stalkerish ex-boyfriends before, but this is a whole new level of obsessed. It warms my heart to know that someone cared, and did actually notice I was missing. There are also several frantic text messages from Lauren, saying that she hopes I’m okay. Saying that she’s not sure what she should do, and whether she should call the cops.
Up until lately, I never thought of Lauren as more than a work friend, but I feel very touched that she also noticed I was gone. After all I’ve been through, I’m just thankful that there is anyone who cares about me still left on the planet, and I feel like I should treasure every drop of affection I can find. I will have to reach out to Lauren sometime soon, and thank her for all her help. Maybe I’ll invite her out for martinis when I can stand to be out in public again.
“I’m sorry,” Helen says quietly. “God, Carm. I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” I ask her in confusion.
“I didn’t even know that you were gone. I was so focused on my own life, writing my new book and spending time with Liam…”
“Hellie, it’s fine. I’m just glad that you’re back in my life at all. We spent years not even talking, so I can’t expect you to notice I’ve been gone for a week.”
“I just thought you needed space,” Helen admits guiltily. “Owen was freaking out and he wanted to look for you… but I told him not to. I was projecting my own habits onto you—I thought of all the times I was overwhelmed and wanted to run away from it all. But I should have known you wouldn’t run. I should have known you’d face things headfirst.”
“Only because I have a hard head,” I say with a tired smile. “It doesn’t matter now, Hellie. Everything played out exactly the way it was meant to happen. I survived, didn’t I? And Brad’s gone. For good. Nothing else matters.”
Helen shakes her head. “Carm, you’re a mess. I’ve never seen you like this. I just wish I could have done something…”
“Shhh,” I tell her softly, slipping my phone into the pocket of my sweater before reaching out to take her hand. “I’m fine, darling. Just give me, like, five minutes and I’ll be a bubbly airhead again. I swear.”
This causes her lips to curl in a small smile. “You were never an airhead, big sister.”
“But I sure fooled everyone,” I say with a sly wink. “Now, there is something you can do for me. How about some comfort food? I could really use some of those red velvet cupcakes they sell at the bakery down the street.”
“Oh my god, yes,” Helen says with wide eyes. “I would die for some of those cupcakes right now. But, Carm…” Her voice has taken on a somber tone, and it worries me a little.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her with alarm. A thousand possible negative scenarios rush through my brain.
Helen clears her throat. “Speaking of red velvet cupcakes… Remember how I thought I might be pregnant? Well, I’m not.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I just got my period,” she says, lowering her chin slightly.
“And your bloody tampons reminded you of red velvet cupcakes?”
“No,” Helen says, wrinkling her nose. “That’s gross, Carm. Although, now that I can see, the colors are quite similar. I just meant that I’ve been craving chocolate and sweets like crazy since I got my period, so I could really use the cupcakes.”
I exhale slowly, for my chest has become very constricted as I remember losing my baby. I remember all the blood. I try to push past this memory. “You were never pregnant?” I ask her again.
“No. I guess not. I told Dr. Howard when I thought I might be, and the tests came back negative. But I hadn’t had my period in so long… it turns out that I am just really irregular, probably due to a low body fat percentage. And recovering from the car accident hasn’t helped.”
