by Loretta Lost
“If you say so,” he replies stiffly.
“Come now, Charles,” my mother says to him gently. “I think this place is just fantastic. Except I can’t look up or I become terribly dizzy.”
“That might be a problem with your eyesight, Ma,” I tell her with concern. “Maybe before you leave, Liam can give you a checkup.”
“I’d love to,” Liam responds quickly. “I think we could get you a really stylish new pair of glasses while we’re at it.”
“Oh, that sounds just lovely,” my mother says through a smile. “My prescription hasn’t been updated in years. I’d love to actually enjoy looking at the beautiful buildings.”
“Even my own wife!” my father exclaims jokingly. “Alright, fine. The city ain’t so bad. It’s just unnatural to put so many people in one place. Too many buildings, and they are way too tall. I like fields and trees and little rivers.”
“We all do, Pa,” I tell him fondly, remembering my brief sojourn out at Helen’s cabin. “Anyway, the ceremony should be starting soon, so don’t drink too much wine.”
“I’ll make sure he doesn’t,” my mother says warmly.
My father grunts again in response, and I turn to leave them to their chatter. Talking with them made me briefly forget my own need for a stiff drink, which is for the best. The last thing this wedding needs is a drunken groom who can’t remember where is he supposed to stand.
“I’ve missed them,” Liam says as we walk away.
“I know,” I reply with a bit of sadness. “It’s a shame that finding the time to fly out there is near impossible.”
“Once we start our own practice, things will get easier,” Liam says confidently. “With our recent breakthroughs, I think we could in the next year.”
This is the one piece of news I’m most excited about. “Hell yeah!” I say excitedly. “Have you heard back from the bank at all?”
His eyes roll slightly. “They’ve been giving me the runaround for months now. Every time I think I’m going to get the loan, they find a way to keep stalling me.”
“Well,” I say hesitantly, “maybe once I’m married, and my credit improves, we can try to apply again.”
“Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen,” Liam says bitterly. “And I don’t want to borrow money from Helen, even though she’s offering.”
I nod enthusiastically. “Definitely don’t do that! She’ll get to order you around in bed until you pay her back.”
“Well… that’s not the reason, but it’s also something to consider,” Liam says with a grin. “The whole thing just really makes me impatient. I want to do this on our own. No shortcuts.”
I admire the tenacity of my friend and nod in approval. “I’m with you every step of the way, bro.”
“I appreciate that, Owen,” he tells me in a cheerful tone. “Now go get ready for your wedding. I’m going to check on Helen.”
“Alrighty, but don’t let her drag you off to some dark room,” I tell him firmly, sending him a mischievous look. “The best man can’t get any before the groom does on his wedding day.”
His lips lift up into a sheepish smile, which causes a laugh to escape from my chest. “Sorry. I didn’t know that was a rule.”
“It is now!” I say playfully. “Get out of here, you crazy kid.”
With Liam off to find Helen, I’m once again left alone with all of my crazy. I check the crowd of people in the grand hall one more time, hoping that Carmen has made it. Of course, I don’t expect her to, but part of me still hopes she will show.
My phone starts buzzing and I pull it out of my jacket pocket. On the screen is my alarm yelling at me to stop whatever it is I’m doing and get to the altar. I tap the screen to dismiss the annoying buzzing and put the phone back. I bet most of our guests are running late anyway, so there’s no rush. Once again, I make a round through the hotel, doing my best to avoid people.
No sign of Carmen.
I know I shouldn’t be disappointed, but the truth is, I miss the hell out of her. I haven’t seen her in the months since our “breakup” and I’ve mostly been miserable since then. Part of the only reason I was looking forward to my wedding is because I thought she would be here. Why isn’t she? I know that she said we shouldn’t see each other anymore, but surely that doesn’t include my wedding?
Swallowing, I stuff both of my hands into my pockets. I know that I should head over to the altar to wait for Caroline, but I just don’t want to do this yet. I want to find some way to delay it. Any way. I try to force myself to walk toward the ballroom, but my shoes feel like they are lined with lead. Each step is more difficult to take than the last. My heart begins to pound in my chest, and my hands are trembling. What is wrong with me?
I made a promise to Caroline, and if there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s being a liar. My father always used to say that a man is only as good as his word, and I intend to keep mine. It doesn’t matter that it hurts me. Some people passing by smile at me sympathetically, and I nod in acknowledgement. I bet it only looks to them like I’m getting a bad case of pre-wedding jitters, but I know that it’s so much more than that.
“Hey,” Liam says, moving to my side. “Isn’t it time to get in position?”
“I suppose so,” I tell him hoarsely.
Liam places his hand on my shoulder. “You okay, man?”
“I never did get that drink,” I remind him.
“Just a minute,” he says, disappearing to the bar.
I don’t have to wait very long before he returns with a small shot glass. I eagerly grab the liquid and toss it down my throat. I make a face. “You watered that down,” I accuse him.
“The groom can’t be too drunk,” Liam explains with a grin.
I glare at him angrily, but I know he’s just looking out for me. If it weren’t for him, I’d have probably gotten drunk in the women’s restroom by now, and they’d have to carry me out to get married on a stretcher.
“It’ll be alright, bro,” he tells me reassuringly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t know,” I say, wiping my sleeve across my forehead. I feel like my face is soaked with flammable gasoline. If someone were to light up a match close by, I am positive that I would burst into flames and be reduced to nothing. “Not feeling so good, brother.”
“Is it Carmen?” he asks me knowingly.
I nod. “I can’t stop thinking about her, man. I’m going insane.”
Liam glances from side to side for a moment. “Caroline isn’t doing so well either. Helen said she sent all the bridesmaids away because she wanted to have a few minutes alone before the ceremony. Helen says she was crying.”
My heart skips a beat. “She was?” The idea of my bride crying on our wedding day causes my chest to flood with guilt. What have I done? It was never supposed to be like this. She knows. She knows that my heart isn’t in this completely, and I’ve made her just as miserable as I am. What kind of a monster am I?
“Owen,” Liam says softly. “You should talk to her, man.”
“What can I say? I’ve really fucked this up, Liam. I had a good thing going…”
“You haven’t messed anything up,” Liam tells me in a low voice. He grasps both of my shoulders firmly. “Owen, please listen to me. You’re about to make a commitment that will last the rest of your life. Man up and talk to Caroline, before it’s too late.”
“I never wanted to hurt her…”
“Shut up and go talk to her!”
“Liam, I can’t. I’m such a mess. What am I going to say—hey! What are you doing? Stop that, Liam!”
It sucks that my best friend is a little bulkier than I am, because he easily hooks his hand under my arm and begins dragging me to the bridal suite. I try to resist, but Liam is fierce.
“Talk. To. Her,” he demands, shoving me toward the door.
“I hate you,” I grumble to him. “Best man? Try worst man.”
“You’ll thank me later,” Liam says with a rol
l of his eyes.
I keep muttering to myself under my breath as I enter the door and move through the hallway to the bridal suite. When I enter the room, I am startled to see Caroline sitting on a chair in her jeans and a t-shirt, and staring at her wedding dress hung up on the wall.
“Caroline!” I say in surprise. “You’re not even dressed?”
She looks up at me, and I can see the remnants of tears in her eyes, and the bits of mascara staining her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Owen. I tried. I tried so hard, but this isn’t me. I can’t be the girl that you want me to be.”
The expression on her face breaks my heart, and I rush to her side, kneeling beside her chair and putting a hand on her knees. “What are you talking about?” I ask with a lump in my throat. “You’ve always been my girl.”
The tears start welling up in her eyes again, and she blinks them away as she smiles and places her hand over mine. “It’s all wrong, Owen. I don’t know what changed, but somewhere along the way—we just got broken.”
“Broken things can be fixed,” I assure her. “I’ll do whatever it takes…”
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “Owen, I know that I’m not the person you want to see walking down that aisle toward you.”
I squeeze her hand and shake my head. “You are! What are you talking about? I’ve been asking you for years…”
“Owen, things are different now. They’re different for you, and they’re different for me. We’re not… We’re just not the same people we used to…” Caroline pauses to take a deep shuddering breath, and puts her face in her hands.
“Hey! Carol, what’s the matter?” I ask, moving to sit on the arm of her chair and placing my arm around her back. I hug her awkwardly while trying to rub up and down her arm in a soothing manner. “Hey, hey. I know this wedding thing sucks and it’s super stressful, but it’s just one day. We’ll get past it, and we’ll get back to being us—”
“We haven’t been us for a very long time—”
“And we’ll go off on a rockin’ honeymoon through Ireland, and visit lots of epic castles, and take awesome photos to post on—”
“Owen, I cheated on you.”
This makes me pause. “You did what now?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how it happened. I was just so lonely, and you seemed so distant… Oh, god. I’m such a slut.” Caroline begins to sob softly into her hands.
For a moment, I just sit here in shock. Then my guilt begins to intensify. Was I really neglecting her that much? What’s wrong with me? I gulp down a lump of emotion. “Carol,” I say softly, rubbing her back. “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s my fault. You told me that we weren’t having enough sex, and I never did anything about it…”
“Any sex,” she corrects me sharply. “We weren’t having any sex!”
I flinch at the emotion in her tone. “Gee. Well, shucks! Who is he?”
Caroline sniffles and looks away from me in embarrassment. “Do you really want to know?”
I think about it for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. I mean… I should know. Does he have a bigger… porn collection than I do?”
Caroline shakes her head, but does not respond.
“Who is he?” I ask her again, with a little more conviction in my voice. I can deal with this. Whoever it is, I can deal with this.
“She,” Caroline says softly. “She is a coworker. We went out dancing one night…”
“Wait, wait, wait! Hold the phone! She?”
“Yes,” Caroline says with a blush. “I don’t know how it happened…”
“Damn!” I exclaim, leaping off the chair and pointing a finger at her. “I always knew you were too hot to be straight! Pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Owen! That’s what you’re going to say right now?” Tears begin to pour down her cheeks. “I’m ruining our wedding day! You should be furious with me for lying to you.”
“I could never be angry with you, Caroline,” I say gently, moving to crouch in front of her and taking both of her hands in mine. “How could anyone be angry with such a smokin’ hot lesbian?”
“Jesus, will you please take me seriously? I cheated on you!”
“I am taking this very seriously,” I tell her with a smile. I begin to feel a weight lifting from chest. Is it possible? Am I being shown an escape route, moments before the executioner takes my head?
“I think I’ve always known, but I was scared to admit it to myself or my family,” Caroline explains through her tears. “But I love you, Owen. I really wanted to make it work, and I gave it everything I had. I just couldn’t take the guilt…”
“There’s nothing to feel guilty for,” I tell her earnestly. “I have enjoyed every minute of our life together.”
“The worst part,” she says with a sniffle, “is that I still want to marry you.”
“You do?” I ask her.
“Yes. But it’s mostly because I’m afraid of everything else out there in the world. I’m afraid to be myself. I never even took the time to find out who she is.”
“She’s my friend,” I tell her solemnly. “My friend until the very end.”
She nods, leaning forward to press her forehead against mine. More tears slide down her cheeks. “You’re all I know, Owen. We’ve been together so long. I don’t even know… what am I? Am I really a lesbian? Is it just a phase, was I just angry and bitter and acting out? Do I love this woman? Was I just… trying something new? Or… is that really me? Is that really what I want to do, who I want to be? It’s a cruel world out there, for homosexuals. Do I want to expose myself to that cruelness? I’m scared. I just want to be normal.”
“I understand,” I tell her. “And if you want me to walk out there and marry your lesbian ass to keep up appearances, I will! As long as you promise to let me join in on the fun someday. Or at least watch. Or maybe you can just send me a pic of your lover’s boobs. Or your boobs pressed up against hers. Maybe some scissor action…”
“Owen,” she whispers. “Can you please be serious?”
“I am,” I tell her, moving over to grasp her wedding dress. “We spent a small fortune on this thing, and I know part of you wants to wear it. So if you decide you want to marry me, for whatever reason—social convention, love, convenience, taxes—I’m here for you! I promised you I’d be here, and I am.”
“Do you really mean that?” she asks me.
“Sure! I can be your bridesmaid and help you get into this thing. Shall we get married?”
Caroline looks at me for a moment, and then turns her gaze to the dress. She studies it carefully. “No,” she says finally. “You love someone else.”
“You mean Carmen?” I wrinkle my brow, feeling my insides contort with emotion. “I must admit, I do have feelings for her. But I never really got to find out… I just don’t know if things would really work out with her. Maybe I was just drawn to her at first because she was a damsel in distress who needed rescuing. She needed me, and I wanted to be her hero.” I shrug it off, trying to downplay my emotions. “I know that what you and I have is real. I don’t know if Carmen and I could really… last. I don’t know if she was just a phase either. If I was just really insecure, and she made me feel important…”
“I think that you and Carmen could have something really special,” Caroline tells me, standing up from her chair with a smile. “Owen, I think that we both owe it to ourselves to find out what we really want, before moving forward with a step like this.”
This is it. My freedom. It’s so close. I can taste it. Is this really happening? I gulp in fear. “Caroline, can we really just… cancel? Your dad paid for everything…”
“My father is a dick, Owen. I don’t care. I know he pressured you into proposing on that boat.”
“He also threatened Liam. He said he would make him lose his medical license…”
“Oh, forget all of that. My father is a big talker, but he never makes good on his threats. I’ll deal with him.” Caroline moves closer,
and puts her hand on my arm. “Go to her, Owen. Go to your damsel in distress, and be her hero.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes. “Really?”
“Yes,” Caroline says softly.
“I can’t just leave,” I tell her. “What will everyone think of me? Abandoning you like this?”
“You’re not abandoning me,” she promises. “I’m giving you my blessing to pursue another path, because I think that’s best for both of us. I want you to be happy, Owen. I really do.”
Reaching out, I pull her into a giant bear hug. I feel the warm sensation of closure envelop my body. I love this woman, and I am so lucky that she was my first girlfriend. I don’t think many people could be as strong and noble as Caroline is being right now.
“Go on,” she says, pushing me away slightly, with a smile. “Go to her.”
“Promise me one thing, Caroline,” I say in a dark tone.
“Anything.”
“Don’t ever forget me.”
“I couldn’t if I tried.”
“Also, boobs. Promise me you’ll text me a pic of your girlfriend’s boobs soon! It’s the least you can do after ruining my wedding!”
Caroline grabs a pillow from the chair she was sitting on and chucks it at my face with a laugh. “Get out of here, Owen!”
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. Reaching up to undo my tie, I wave to her as I bolt from the room. I was not expecting to run directly into Liam, and I nearly knock him over like a bowling pin.
He catches me and steadies me. “What’s going on?”
“I love you, man!” I tell him, planting a big kiss on his nose. “You’re a motherfucking genius!”
“I knew that,” Liam says with a grin. “So did the talk go well?”
“Yes! I think… God, Liam, this is crazy. But I think I’m going to go find Carmen.”
Liam nods and smiles. “I’m glad to hear that. You really needed to stop thinking about other people for once in your life and listen to your heart. Focus on yourself and your own happiness, Owen. When you’re happy, everyone around you is, too. That’s who you are! You have a gift. An amazing gift to make people feel good about themselves, but you always do it at the cost of your own dignity and comfort. I promise you, brother, if you make yourself happy first, everyone around you will benefit even more from your generous heart.”
