by J. A. Huss
I feel this to be true and maybe I did choose him over the baby. I don't think of it that way, but if Tier does, then whatever. I get it. He's allowed to have his perspective. And I can't even tell him I'm sorry about it because actually, I'm not sorry.
I chose Gideon.
And then I chose Lucan.
And the only person I want is Tier. But since when do my desires ever fucking matter?
Never, that's when.
Never.
Hand comes back in the house and tosses me some clothes. "She gave you some jeans and a t-shirt. Plus a jacket for when you leave. That OK?"
I nod a little. "Yeah, that's perfect, Hand. Make sure you tell her I said thanks." I get up and try to unzip Selia's borrowed bustier that I'm still wearing. My hands fumble with the zipper and Hand steps in and pulls it down for me. I let it fall to the floor and turn around to face him.
Hand smiles. "Shit, Junco, you look like a goddess." He reaches for the t-shirt and pulls it over my head as I slip my arms though the sleeves. Then he grabs my hair and gently lifts it out of the shirt, feeling it between his fingertips like it's something precious as it falls down my back.
"I'll take the couch, Junco. You can have my room, OK?"
I laugh. "You're kidding, right?"
His smile is sad as he fishes into his pants pocket and pulls out a comm. He flips through the menu and holds it up to me.
It's a picture.
Of a family.
He's got a wife and kids.
"Oh."
"They're staying out on the reservation right now, for safety reasons, you know," he explains.
That seriously hurts. "Right." I walk off down the hallway and find his room and flop down alone on the bed. Feeling very lonely. And wondering just how big of a mistake I made when I went back to the RR with James and traded Hando, and the life he offered, for the Seven Siblings nightmare that has become my reality.
Chapter Ten
The mess is quiet this afternoon because all of my officers are in the middle of war games with their squadrons out on the scrub, so it's just Aren and I, plus the first-year cadets, who never even look at me, let alone bother me at my dinner table.
I feel his eyes on me and I shift on the bench, becoming uncomfortable.
His fork clanks against his plate as he scoops up some food but before he can shovel it into his mouth and prevent the words from coming, they come out.
"I can't cover for you any more, Junco."
I finish chewing my chicken, swallow and take a drink of my orange juice before I answer. "So don't."
He lets out a long draw of breath, which tells me that he's frustrated but not yet mad. "Do you have any idea what he'll do to you if you get caught?"
I just shrug and pick up a roll.
"It won't be pleasant, Junco."
No, he's definitely not mad. Concerned. This stops me and I pay a little more attention to him. "It's my dad, Aren. He won't do anything horrible. I mean, he'd be pissed, yeah. But trust me, he'll understand. All I have to tell him is the reason—"
"Don't," he says, cutting me off and looking around nervously, "you dare tell him anything about weapons, Junco. I told you that at the beginning of the year, but lately you act like there are no words coming out of my mouth. What the hell are you doing when you're gone?"
Now he's pissed. And this isn't about weapons, either. He's pissed because he knows when I leave over the weekends I'm meeting someone else.
"That's jealousy, Aren. I'm not interested in jealousy. I told you I'm not cheating on you, so if you wanna believe I am, you can do that alone. We're done."
His fist pounds on the table in front of me and I jump with the silverware before I can catch myself. I look around and now we have the attention of the entire lower class.
I get up from the bench and grab my tray, but he snatches my arm before I can get past him. "Let go of my arm," I say, glaring down at him, "or I will break your hand right here in front of all these kids."
He knows I will and lets it go.
"I'm sorry you're not on board with what I do on my leave days, but I really don't care, Aren. I'm doing it."
"So we're done?"
I don't have time for this so I just give him what he wants. "Yeah, we're done." I dump my stuff in the trash and hand my tray to the kitchen staff who are watching us with a little too much interest.
Aren is next to me before I can make a hasty exit and takes my hand, leading me out of the hall and then into the cold spring evening.
Council 1 Cadet Academy is a large sprawling acreage that lies just southwest of Council 3 in the hills that are commonly called the Black Forest from their original name last century. I can see the ziggurat of Peak City climbing up towards the heavens from almost every building on campus.
Except when it's cloudy. Like today.
It's a bad omen, I think. When the peak is hiding, it's a day for fighting. That's the old cadet school superstition. Cloudy days mean bad days and this certainly seems to be holding true for me now.
I check my timeclip as Aren ushers me across campus. I have fifteen minutes to get out of here or I won't make it on time, but since he's dragging me towards my dorm, and I need to pick up my bag anyway, I just follow along.
He stops at my door and waits for me to unlock it, then opens it for me and waits for me to enter before closing it behind us.
"Junco—"
Shit, he's not wasting any time with the talk.
"—I get it, you're a private person, you need your space, and I don't think you're cheating."
I wait for it. There's a but coming.
"But I can't cover for you anymore. He knows, Junco. He knows you're doing shit somewhere else when you leave."
Aren stops as I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, then break for the door. "So what? He hasn't paid any attention to me all freaking year, Aren. He does not care. I promise you, nothing is gonna happen."
He grabs me by both shoulders and shakes me. Hard. "He does care, he is paying attention, and Junco, this is attention you do not want, take my word on that."
And here it is. Another cryptic message about my father that creeps in when he's not getting his way and I'm doing things he doesn't want me to do. "Unless you give me details, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you last month. I don't care."
He drops his hands and lets me pass.
"Fine, then. But when all this shit hits the fan, don't blame me. I tried to warn you, I tried to stop you, but you're only interested in Gideon and whoever that guy is you're meeting down in Dallas."
I turn and look at him now. It surprises me that he knows, but I should've seen it coming, really. Aren's a resourceful guy, he's got more power than I do around here because he's not a cadet, he's a captain in the RR Defense.
"Have you seen my father, Aren?"
"You know I only speak to him on the comms."
"Right, the comms. Since when does my dad use comms in his everyday work? Answer me that? Because I've lived with the man my entire life and while he's always had one available, he never ever carried one around on him. We never had one in plain view at our house and he used them sparingly and with discretion. So what the hell is going on?"
He's shaking his head at me before I even finish.
"Fine, then I'm outta here. See you Monday."
"I won't be here Monday, Junco."
"Whatever, Aren." I stop again and turn. "You think that'll work on me? Threaten to leave campus so I'll do what you say? No, it won't work."
He's got nothing to say now and I walk out.
My flier is waiting in the prearranged spot and I get in and then sit back for the ten-minute ride down to the planet pad where I will catch a suborbital to Dallas.
Nothing I'm doing is secret. I've done it seven times since the school year began, and each time I take the flier to the pad, hand over my official passport, and hop that sub to Texas.
If my father was interested in what I was doin
g he could've stopped me any time he wanted.
The sub ride is quick, Dallas is only about eight hundred miles away, so it's a hop, really. I think about him all the way there. His face is so familiar to me now that I can see him in perfect detail in my mind's eye.
The sub touches down after twenty minutes of flight and I gather my bag and disembark down the long ramp that takes us into the Dallas Celestial Port.
He's waiting for me, in the same spot he always stands, looking at his comm, reading it, watching it like a screen, or whatever he does with that thing. And when he looks up to check the arrivals, I find the happiness in his eyes.
He is truly happy to see me.
John Hando is the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on and I don't care if my father wants to string me up on a rack, I'd never stop coming here to do these jobs with him. I'd run away and leave it all behind before I'd ever let this man go.
I'm not sleeping with him.
Yet.
But I want to be. Definitely want to be.
Chapter Eleven
John Hando grabs my pack and puts his arm around me, then chatters about his month and I forget about my break-up with Aren, my dad, and my fucked-up life back in the RR. He talks about his father, his brothers, and his mother and little sisters. They've all been asking about me. Then he rattles off what we're having for dinner tonight and finishes up with a few words about the kitten he found in the alley across from the cab station down the road from their compound.
And everything he says makes me feel warm.
Life in the Hando house is a dream to me. It's filled with people who are all connected, who leave for work but always make it home for dinner each evening. It's a family life I've never had. Ever. But something I want so bad I can almost hear my heart breaking in half when I leave them at the end of each job.
"Hey?" he asks.
I look up, into his dark eyes. "Huh?"
"You're not paying attention. Something wrong?"
I laugh a little. "Hardly, John. There's nothing wrong when I'm down here with you."
My words actually stop him and this makes me stop as well.
"What—?" I ask, but I know what. I just want to see what he says.
He tilts his head at me, the question on the tip of his tongue, but switches gears. "That's an interesting response."
My cheeks get hot and I know I'm blushing. "Interesting wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I'll take it."
His grin is almost boyish and my heart flutters for a moment. "I've got a surprise for you," he says. "Right now. You interested?"
Normally my answer to that would be no. I'm not generally into surprises of any kind. I'm a planner, I like details, I'm definitely not spontaneous. "Absolutely," I say. This is John after all. And a surprise from him means he's been thinking about me while I've been gone.
He ushers me through the sliding doors that lead to the drop-off area at DCP, and even though they have Rangers watching to make sure no one leaves a vehicle there to go inside and pick someone up, Hand's bike is waiting where it always is. The security around it says he's got rank here.
I love this about him.
And even though I'm officially here to kill people for the Texican Mafia, I have no rank down in Dallas. I am no one. I am just a girl.
I love this about me, too.
Being behind him on his grav bike is exhilarating and honestly, this ride through the upper city is one of my favorite parts of coming to see him in Dallas. I know without fail that once a month John Hando will pick me up from the planet pad, he'll take my gear from me, escort me to his bike, and take me the long way around the city just so we can spend a little extra time together. He's never said that, of course, but I suspect it's true.
It makes me swallow, that's how touching these little things are to me. They say something. They say he cares and it's been a while since anyone I loved did that for me. Gideon has been gone so much the past few years, my dad is totally being weird, James has even stopped talking to me.
And that's pretty much all I ever had besides Aren. But that's not as fun as it used to be. He's not around much either. He's off doing advanced stuff, things I won't be allowed to do until next year.
And since I was never much into the social scene at cadets before Aren, and after we got together I let all that fall away, I simply have very little to occupy my time besides school.
And even though these trips are contract killings… it feels… good.
I'm happy down here.
He takes a corner at high speed and we dip down so low to the street he has to reach out with his gloved hand to push away from the concrete. My arms squeeze him a little tighter and I lean into his back, my chin resting on the soft leather of his jacket.
I close my eyes and enjoy how we sway together as we take the corners, how the winds whips past me like we're flying.
After several more minutes of travel we pull up at the valet of the Sagitta Building that's named after the tiny arrow the constellation Aquila holds in his talons, or, if you believe the ancient Babylonian version, the dead man he delivers to Paradise.
It's the tallest building in Dallas—and not just Upper Dallas, because the Sagitta spans the entire underbelly as well, shoots through the foundation of Upper Dallas, and then continues into the sky for almost a mile.
John waits for security to appear, then hands them my pack and our helmets. If anyone else did that I'd freak out over my pack, but the Hando family has private security everywhere. You'd never know by looking at their compound in the underbelly, but they are serious Texican royalty, with family ties that go back almost two hundred years.
Not anyone can just enter the Sagitta either, it's by invitation only unless you actually own a space.
The Handos own a space, that much I know because I've heard them talk about it before. His brothers work here, both have near-top offices on entire floors that are stamped with the Hando name.
Inside Hand directs me to the elaborate bank of elevators and the guard calls one for us. Even if you made it into the building without permission and got past the heavily armed men and AI controlled in-house weapons system, you'd never get anywhere beyond that.
The elevators run off a combined DNA-retinal scan biometric protocol only.
John pricks his finger on the tiny sticker next to the pad. It draws blood, sucks it in, and then disposes of, and replaces, the soiled needle.
The retinal scan flashes across his face and then the elevator comes to life.
"Welcome back, John. I heard you had some recent trouble. Did you rectify that situation to your satisfaction?"
The voice is male and that takes me by surprise. This is the first time I've ever heard of a male AI.
"Yeah, you need to mind your own business, that's what you need to do, Web. I had no such trouble, you're gonna make Junco here worry her pretty little head off for nothing."
I smile.
"Is her visit classified?" the AI asks.
"Uh, yeah. OK, make her classified. Erase her when we're done."
I wince at the word, but I shake it off as Hando looks down at me funny.
"Take us to the top, this is a social visit."
"Top of the world, next stop."
Our ascent is so smooth I barely notice it.
"He's jovial," I say.
"He is," Hand replies. "But don't let it fool you." He winks. "He's a bastard if your DNA doesn't match. Web becomes Deb, and Deb is a total bitch."
"Two? I've never heard of that in an AI. They are one? Or there's actually two of them?"
"Just one, Juncs. It's the whole good-cop-bad-cop thing, right? Web is the pleasant concierge and Deb is the ruthless bouncer."
"Interesting, I never knew AI's could do that."
He takes my hand as we wait and my whole body gets the chills. I will die of embarrassment if he can feel that, but I don't look at him to find out.
"Should I not hold your hand?"
"No," I say
too quickly. He makes to let go but I grab hold before he can slip away. "I mean, no, don't stop holding my hand."
He cocks his head at me. "I thought you had a boyfriend or something. Back home?"
"Nope, I don't."
The smile creeps up his face as I steal a look at him. "You sure about that, Junco? I mean, I know pretty much all there is to know about you and I know you have a boyfriend."
"Your information is outdated, sorry, friend."
The ascent stops and the doors slide open.
Hand squeezes tighter. "OK, then. Let's go see something fantastic."
I take a deep breath and try to let it out slowly so he can't tell, but I didn't need to worry. I gasp all over again when I realize where we are.
The view.
I feel like I'm looking out over the entire planet. John leads me up a flight of spiral stairs that wind around the elevator. The platform is very small, only big enough to allow maybe eight or ten people to squish together in the round space.
He steps back and leans against a railing as I spin slowly in place. We're in the apex of the arrow and everything that surrounds me is glass. Only the red carpeting on the floor reminds me that I'm still on Earth.
"You like it?" he says from directly behind me.
"I do," I whisper.
"I'm glad you broke up with that guy. Because I was gonna bring you up here whether you were with him or not when you got off that sub."
I turn and stretch my arms up to his shoulders. He's so tall compared to me so I have to stand on my tippy-toes, but my fingertips slip around his neck like we're evenly matched. "Why?"
His face stays calm and unreadable as he studies my face, then takes his gaze to my eyes and stops there. "Because I want to kiss you, Junco. And I want to kiss you here, on top of the world. So that you'll never have another kiss like it for as long as you live."
Holy shit. He's not only beautiful, he's a romantic too. "I might never go back home if you keep talking to me like that, John."
