He was back to being quiet after that. I was, too. My positive box, that I tried to place all my worries in, had a dent on the lid now. There was no stopping the thoughts that were running through my head now. Did I make the right decision, selling my business? I thought so, but predictability was something I always craved. That’s what my life had become, and I was all right with it for a long time. Then it all changed, and I didn’t have it anymore.
Chapter Five
Killian
I was no stranger to depressing thoughts. Normally, I would end up taking a walk down all the shitty lanes of my life at some point during my long drives. Then I’d move on, because there wasn’t anything that I could do. Turns out I was right about Livia—despite her over bubbly personality, she was carrying a heavy burden on her shoulders.
Pot, meet kettle.
But the burdens had dug deep in my skin, and I’d long grown accustomed to them. Sadness and burdens didn’t fit Livia. As much as it was sort of annoying to have someone constantly trying to chat you up, when the silence of sadness took over her, it felt like the whole truck got covered in a fog of sorrow. I didn’t like it. Thinking of something I could do before we both started to drown, my fingers gripped the steering wheel with frustration. Why was it so hard to talk to her? Had I been alone for so long that human interaction was like a foreign language to me? I could ask her something simple. But what? The more I tried to think of something to say, the angrier I got with myself. The only questions I had come up with were stupid.
I heard her stomach growl, and looked at the clock, then the fuel gauge. We could stop, get food, fuel, and then maybe try to clear the cold blanket of emotion that had covered my rig.
“We’re getting food and fuel,” I said and waited to see what was at the next exit. Hopefully a station with food. The green sign came up and it had what I was looking for. Kickass. We both needed a moment, and this would be a perfect distraction. She sat up straighter and grabbed her boots from behind the seat where she had stored them.
She was out the door as soon as I cut the engine off, like a bat out of hell. Her mind was not somewhere I wanted to venture into right now, and maybe not ever. Livia was like a puzzle box, one I didn’t have time or the desire to solve. My hand went to the door, and I jumped out onto the parking lot, looking for my truck mate. She was opening the door to the fast food joint attached to the truck stop. I stretched my arms over my head then touched my toes. My back was covered in scars, which started to ache and would tighten up if I didn’t keep them loose by stretching.
My mind immediately went to Livia’s face last night when her eyes fell on my back. It was a mess that I knew. Explosions had a way of doing that to you, fucking you up all around. But I lived, and I did what I had to in order to keep living. Those eyes held everything from sadness and curiosity, to the need to comfort. Surprisingly, the one emotion I didn’t see was pity. It was what I normally received. I’d stopped caring what people thought about it a long time ago.
I filled up the tank on the truck, and grabbed myself some fruit, protein bars, and a water. Breakfast was never really my thing, but I knew she was probably starving, so I needed to stop for her to eat.
When I walked back out to the truck she was already there, sitting on her side, with her mouth full of food.
“I got you a sausage biscuit if you want it. If not, I’ll eat it later, so no worries.” She wasn’t completely back to her chipper self. But the little stop had helped her mood improve slightly. This pleased me. I may like my cloud that hovered over me, but she was all sunshine, and deserved to bask in it.
That thought took me by surprise. This woman was chipping away at my sanity, if I was suddenly thinking about how I didn’t like seeing her sad. Fuck me.
“Thanks.” She had thought about me while getting herself something to eat. Even though I only ate fast food when I was desperate, or past being lazy, I held my hand out and accepted the wrapped food. Her lips tilted up, making me feel slightly warm on the inside.
While she continued eating her food, the air in the truck seemed to be easing. I could practically feel her mood improving with every bite. Good to know—food made things better with her. I filed the information away for future reference.
“It’s my turn now. What’s your favorite genre of music?” Livia was returning to her normal, bubbly self. Even though it still made me want to drive my truck into a wall, it felt better to have her like this, than with a frown on her face. I’d suffer the constant chatter. It was all over in a month, anyway.
“Rock.”
“Like who is your favorite band or singer?” She mumbled, food in her mouth.
“You had your turn.” It was sort of fun to mess with her. She rolled her eyes and waited for me to continue.
“What is your theme song?” The question came out of left field for her, but for me, I was genuinely curious. Joel and I used to ask each other that often. There was a song that could explain your every mood. It was like talking in code, a way to communicate with privacy. Once we got in trouble for writing notes in class in middle school. The teacher couldn’t understand what “It’s a hard knock life” meant.
“Theme song? What do you mean?” She was confused, but looked eager to answer my question. Up until now I had just been repeating her questions, not truly caring to play the game.
“If you could use a song to describe you right now, what would it be?” She seemed to ponder that for a moment, then the smile she threw at me once she figured out her song in her head, was beautiful. Even I could admit that. Her whole face lit up; I even felt my own lips start to turn upwards from seeing hers. It was contagious. I shut that feeling down though, not needing to invest emotions in this girl any more than I already had today.
“‘Living in The Moment’ by Jason Mraz. It was the first song I heard when I took to the road, and I’ve been trying to live by it since.” She giggled to herself.
“A whole twenty-four hours.” She laughed about how she had only been trying to live by the moment for twenty-four hours, but truthfully, a majority of people couldn’t even do it for one hour. I felt a respect crawl up from inside me for her. She was brave. Doing what she has done, even just in the past day, was something I could admire.
“You’ve got balls,” I said, complimenting her. Hopefully she wouldn’t take offense to it.
“Coming from you, that means something. Thank you.” She looked proud and turned back in her seat to lean down and grab her sketch book. If this turned out like yesterday, she would be so involved in whatever she was drawing that the truck would be filled with nothing but the sounds of pencil on paper.
My back arched and I relaxed more into my captain’s seat. My fingers fiddled with the knobs on the radio and we rode together in the quiet for two hours. She would sip her drink, nibble on a snack, and constantly change her seating position.
Every once in a while, my eyes would roam over to her figure. She looked so small, her legs were tucked underneath her body, and her hand was moving gracefully across her book. The sides of her hands were covered in black smudges from her sketching.
She pulled her hair up some time ago, and apparently had gotten some of that lead smudged on her cheek. I wanted to tell her it was there, but whenever I caught sight of it, a ghost of a smile hit my face. She was different, and it had been too long since I’d been this close to a woman for this amount of time. Most women were attracted to me. They appreciated the fit body, and the idea of the lone wolf, a nomad. I had a part-time home beyond my truck, but mostly stayed on the road, and my family didn’t want anything to do with me. Women like that. But once they realized I liked being the lone wolf, that I had no intention of abandoning a life on the road, and that my fit body also was that of a combat-wounded veteran, they lost interest. Which I didn’t mind. It had been a while. I found a woman when the occasion arose that I needed one, but I wasn’t one of those horny truck drivers you see in movies, jumping on a lot lizard the second they knocked
on the door.
“Do you have any hobbies, besides driving a truck?” she asked while sketching what looked like the view in front of her. Dash of the truck, and the road.
Hobbies, what hobbies did I have? Not many, that’s for sure.
“Riding my motorcycle.” Briefly an image of her sitting behind me on the bike flashed through my head, but I immediately pushed it out as soon as it came in. In just twenty-four hours, this woman was making me think crazy things, like enjoying my time with her. Obscene.
Chapter Six
Livia
He rides motorcycles, too. I guess with this bad boy sexy thing he had going on, I should have seen that coming. Thoughts of Killian sitting on a motorcycle—with no helmet, because men like him didn’t wear helmets—driving around, with his hair blowing back out of his face, hit me. It was a nice thought.
“Nice.” Whether I was commenting on the image in my head or just to his answer, I couldn’t honestly say.
“How long you been drawing?” He nodded towards the book in my hands.
“Since I was little. I stopped for a while, my ex didn’t like the noise of the pencil against the paper, and I can get quite messy when I do it.” I looked at my hands; parts of them were covered in black and gray. Lane really did hate that. If he saw me right now he would have asked me nicely to go wash up so he could kiss me without getting himself dirty. I heard Killian scoff at that, which made me feel pretty good.
“Ever been with someone and you don’t even remember how or why it happened? Just that it did and that was what it was?” I asked him in earnest, but he just raised his eyebrow at me.
“No.” My heart sank a little at his denial. I feel like that’s what Lane and I had. I don’t even truly think I loved him. We just met at a club, and then suddenly we were dating and moving in together. There was no swept-off-my-feet experiences. It just happened, and I went with it. Looking back on it now, that was stupid. My brother always used to tell me how stupid I was for settling. Thoughts of my brother made me start to turn back towards my sad mood from earlier, which was not a good thing. I gave myself an internal shake and forced myself back to the moment.
“Ask me a question, please.” It was a demand and a plea. I needed something to take my mind off where my head was going.
“Ever been to California?” It was a simple question, and just what I needed.
“Nope. Never.” I’d always wanted to, though. It sounded like a fun place.
“How many times have you been?” I bet he’d been a lot of times.
“A lot. Gotta friend there.” No elaboration there, but I couldn’t expect too much. Killian was still not a man of many words. He was mostly a caveman with a commercial vehicle license.
“That’s awesome!” He successfully helped me move on to happier thoughts. Killian must have had enough talking with me, because he was content to be silent again and listen to the radio. I was good with that. My sketch was coming along nicely, and I went back to fully focusing on it.
We drove for another four hours before he pulled us off the highway to stretch, eat chicken wraps, and use the restroom. So far, I had been good with the no peeing a lot thing, but I wondered how long that would last. After eating, and using the restroom, I decided to stretch with Killian. He didn’t say anything as I joined him on the pavement. I did yoga every Saturday so I knew the poses he was doing. We stretched in silence, and then climbed back in, ready to go.
“So what happens if I have to pee before we stop?” I looked around the sleeper, and didn’t see a little potty or anything. Just the mini-fridge, a small microwave, a storage area for clothes and stuff, the flat screen TV on the cab wall, and the bunks.
“Pee in a jug, or in the dirt.” My eyes flew to his face, hoping to see this was the first joke he was telling me.
“Seriously?” Please, please be a joke.
“Yup.”
“You want me to pee in a jug? Like, while you’re driving?” My eyes were as wide as they could go. I didn’t think so, I would die of embarrassment.
“Dirt, I’ll choose dirt. No jugs.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. Meanwhile my cheeks were tomato red from blushing. This was one of those moments of I’m sure many I was shaking my head at myself for doing this.
“Care if I read for a bit in the back?” I asked, not wanting to leave him hanging by himself. Then he grunted, and I remembered that he was alone all the time, when crazy women weren’t throwing money at him to ride in his rig. Silly me. I climbed out of my seat and grabbed my e-reader.
My top bunk was waiting for me with the blanket he gave me, and I snuggled in. The vibrations and rumbling of the truck soothed me while I read.
“Stopping for food.” Killian’s grumble startled me awake. I looked around and noticed it was dark out. I had fallen asleep quickly after lying down to read. Killian had jumped out of the truck and hadn’t waited for me, no surprise there. Jumping down from my bunk, I threw on some shoes and a light jacket before getting out of the truck myself.
“Shoot.” Forgot my wallet. I opened the door again and leaned into the truck to grab my bag.
“How much for the hour?” a deep male voice spoke behind me. Spinning so quickly I got a head rush, I looked at the overweight man behind me. Flannel jacket, jeans, cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat. Gross. His brown hair was overgrown, and his beard needed a trim. Then I saw his eyes. Ew.
“Excuse me?” I held my wallet close, and was backed up against the truck. Man, I wish I had a baseball bat or something to defend myself. I looked around for Killian but didn’t see him.
“How much for the hour, lot lizard?” Lot lizard? What the hell was that?
“Sorry, I don’t know what you mean, but I’m going inside now.” I closed the door of the truck and started to walk past him towards the truck stop. He reached out and grabbed my arm.
“Hey! Let go of me, asshole!”
“Come with me, darlin’. It’s been a long time on the road this drive. I need a little attention.” Oh, dear baby Jesus. This man thought I was a prostitute. Did my yoga pants and jacket give it away? If I was a prostitute, I wasn’t trying very hard. Double gross.
“If you don’t let me go, I’m going to show those balls some attention all right, with my boots.” There, that should make him let me go. I jerked my arm, but he still held on.
“Seriously, if you don’t let me go, I’m calling the cops after I make you sing soprano.” His eyes were looking me over and he was grinning. I cocked my foot back to give him a good swift kick to the nads when his arm was removed and he was thrown back a few feet.
“Fucking touch her again!” Killian roared, standing in front of me, his whole body protecting me from the flannel man.
“I get it, she’s yours. Okay.” He scurried off like a rat, and before I knew it, I launched myself at Killian as he turned around to face me. His body was solid muscle, and warm. My arms were tight around him, and I felt him freeze up from my touch.
“Thank you.” I whispered into his chest. He was so big; I came up to his pec. He didn’t say you’re welcome or anything at all, but he didn’t push me away. So I held onto him for a few more seconds before pulling back. His face was hard, but his eyes were staring me down. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
“He thought I was a prostitute. Do they hang out around here or something?” I asked trying to break the stare he was giving me. It was intense, and was starting to create tingles in my lower tummy, making me squirm under their heat. It was turning me on in a weird way.
“Lot lizard. It’s what they’re called. They hang out at truck stops for lonely, horny men.” Well, that explains that charming phrase.
“Great. So guys are going to be thinking I’m a lot lizard whenever we go to a truck stop?” At least I knew now so I could watch out.
“No.” I looked into his eyes to see if he would say more.
“No?”
“We walk together. No one says shit.” Well, okay then. I was not leaving K
illian’s side. Done deal. Well, except to pee and stuff. But I could manage that. I doubted any guy would come into the women’s restroom. His eyes still held that heated glare to them, but his jaw had loosened, and his body wasn’t as tense.
“Food.” He huffed and started walking towards the restaurant. He stopped when he didn’t hear me walking behind him, and turned to see me standing there, gaping. Oh, yeah. I had been distracted by him and I forgot all about eating. Quickly, I caught up to him, and we entered the truck stop together.
Chapter Seven
Killian
Livia was lightly snoring in the bunk above me, solidly passed out. I wish I could sleep like she did. Ever since the military, I wasn’t able to sleep much. They don’t exactly let you sleep eight hours every night. Even though it’s been a few years since then, I’ve never been able to get back in the habit of getting a full night’s rest.
I rolled over and looked at the bunk over my head. I could see her up there, in my mind, sprawled out, her legs twisted around the blanket. Livia was like a whirlwind, either get out of the way or fly in the wind with her. Her personality was so big, but I got the feeling from her earlier that it wasn’t always that way. People had tried to dull her shine. Especially her ex, if he was bothered by the sound of her drawing, and getting a little smudge on her skin. Prick. Men like that don’t deserve women like her. She was probably unbelievably loyal, and did everything for him. She would be that girlfriend that would bend over backwards for her man. Women like that got taken advantage of easily, unfortunately.
This girl was sweeping me up into her winds and I hadn’t gotten the warning to dig my heels deep into the earth. Despite my deliberate attempts to avoid conversation and interaction, I was starting to find her presence pleasant. She wanted to keep her skeletons in her closet, and I was keeping mine there, too. The small questions here and there, I could do. We managed to get through her twenty-one questions today. Harmless questions, until her question about being with someone. It made me want to punch her ex in the face. I could feel her wilting like a flower in winter as she was caught up in her thoughts. She could go from hot to cold in seconds with that head of hers. Despite seeing her bravery and strong sense of self, there was obviously a vulnerable woman beneath that tough exterior. It made me feel slightly bad that she picked me for her road trip. I wasn’t a big ray of sunshine. But so far, it seemed like she was okay with that.
Long Drive Page 3
