Rachel thought back over how Alex had squared up to Ryan in their back garden after Thomas’s funeral. It had surprised her, the old Alex would have realised Ryan was grieving and taken whatever he threw at him, not wound him up even more.
“He’s losing respect for everyone around him. He’s not his dad or Danny. What are you going to do?”
“What can I do but stick with it and hope he gets better.”
Rachel was glad she was well out of it but nevertheless she was still worried and she grasped his hand. Alex Maguire was the most dangerous man she knew. “Be careful Mikey.”
“I will.” He didn’t add that he thought Alex was up to something behind his and Jez’s back. As yet he didn’t know what and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but it could end up dragging them all down with him. “Declan’s bought his own club.”
“He has? Which one?”
“Zenith.”
“I know that, it’s a good place. So he’s here to stay?”
“It seems so. There’s talk of his brothers coming over too.”
“To work in all the Maguire businesses?” she said meaningfully.
Mikey nodded. He was glad because their loyalties would be to him, not Alex and he thought he might need their back-up in the not too distant future.
“What will they be doing?”
“Come on Rach, I can’t tell you that. Ryan would kill me.”
She thought her husband probably wouldn’t even care. “Sorry, I can’t help but be curious.” Her eyes widened and she gasped.
“What’s up?” he frowned, his fork halfway to his mouth.
“I forgot to ask, how did Amber’s 3D scan go? You were going to find out the sex.”
“You don’t want to know about that.”
“Yes I do, it’s important. I can handle it Mikey,” she said when he appeared doubtful.
“Okay,” he said, pulling the sonogram out of his jacket pocket and holding it out to her.
She accepted it and smiled. “You carry it around?”
“Yes, it means a lot to me.”
A lump formed in Rachel’s throat as she studied the scan, the image blurring when she recalled her first scan with Thomas, Ryan holding her hand, both so excited. Thomas was going to be the final piece in the puzzle, the completion of their family.
“Rach?” he said softly when she’d stared at it in silence for a full two minutes.
“Sorry,” she said, blinking away the tears and handing it back. “Is everything okay?”
“Absolutely fine,” he smiled.
“What sex is it?”
“A boy. Sorry.”
It was a moment before she could speak. “Don’t be. You’re very lucky.”
“I know.” He took her hand. “Sure you’re okay?”
“Yes,” she replied in a shaky voice.
“Me and Amber have started dating,” he said, wanting to distract her from baby talk.
“Dating? Talk about putting the cart before the horse,” she smiled.
“She’s lovely Rach,” he beamed, “so sweet and kind. I’m used to tough, mouthy women like Jennie, but she’s so different, so fresh. We’re sleeping together,” he said, lowering his voice, “and it’s amazing.”
Rachel had never heard him talk about a woman like this before. “You sound smitten.”
“I am,” he said, popping a new potato into his mouth.
“Don’t hurt her Mikey.”
“I don’t intend to.”
“Will this continue after she’s had the baby?”
“I hope so.”
“Amber’s not like your other girlfriends.”
“That’s why I like her.”
“I mean, you can’t run around on her. She’s not the type to get insanely jealous and start yelling like Jennie. She’d just take it and grow more and more hurt until it destroyed her.”
“I won’t do that, I really like her.”
“If you do make a commitment to her make sure you stick to it. Don’t mess her around.”
“I’ll be careful, promise.”
Rachel hoped he meant it, she’d hate to see that girl ruined.
CHAPTER 18
Rachel returned home feeling troubled by what Mikey had told her about Alex, although she was pleased about Amber, she would be good for him. To her dismay Ryan wasn’t home. She tried calling him but it went to voicemail, as it tended to these days. So she decided to throw herself into the new hotel project, which she’d decided to take on. Mikey had thought it a brilliant idea and his encouragement had decided her. She needed something to do or she thought she’d go barmy.
She enjoyed jotting down ideas and researching the area on the internet. It was monied, plenty of people to use the golf course, spa and restaurant. Although they had a flagship restaurant under their belt they didn’t have a flagship hotel and she decided this was it. It would be huge with only the best staff. Her Michelin-starred chef at the spa had worked wonders, made it the place to eat in the city and he’d trained up an apprentice. She wondered if he would be happy to leave the spa restaurant in his protégé’s hands and work at the hotel instead?
With her mind so occupied time passed quickly and the next thing she knew Adela was bringing the children home. Leah was bursting with news about a school trip, Ethan was immensely proud of a painting he’d done and Aaron just ran about babbling excitedly to himself, caught up in his siblings’ enthusiasm and they raised Rachel’s spirits even more. All three children were elated to see their mummy happy and laughing again.
As afternoon turned to evening and evening to night Ryan still didn’t return and Rachel started to seriously fret. He’d not stayed out all night before. In fact, since they’d got engaged they hadn’t spent a single night apart and fear ran its fingers up and down her spine. Was he lying injured somewhere? Or dead? Or was he in the arms of another woman? She grimaced at the thought. She was afraid of what she’d do if he cheated on her because deep in her heart she knew she’d kill him and the bitch he shagged. There was no two ways about it. When she tried calling again his mobile went to voicemail. Her pride didn’t want her to continue ringing but the fretful wife couldn’t rest so she tried Jez instead.
“Yes, he’s here,” said Jez. “Don’t worry.”
“He hasn’t been fighting again, has he?”
“No, just his usual sunny self,” he said sarcastically. “Do you want to talk to him?”
“Is he in a talking mood?”
Brief pause. “No, probably not.”
“He doesn’t want to speak to me, does he?” she said, swallowing down the lump in her throat.
“I’m sorry Rach,” he replied gently.
“It’s okay, thanks Jez,” she said quickly before hanging up, not wanting him to hear her tears. With the kids tucked up in bed she thought it safe to indulge in a couple of scotches and knocked back two in quick succession, which made her eyes grow heavy and she dragged herself upstairs to bed, not sure whether it was tiredness, alcohol or depression making her lethargic. However she couldn’t rest until Ryan came in safe so she forced herself to stay awake.
It was a little after one o’clock in the morning when she heard his car pull up the drive. No doubt he wanted to make sure she was sound asleep before he returned. She lay still in the dark, listening to him come in through the kitchen door via the garage. There was the rush of water as he filled a glass to bring to bed with him, his nightly ritual, then his footsteps on the stairs. Her heart beat hard in her chest as he approached, not used to being nervous around her husband but she didn’t know what to expect from him anymore. Just before the door opened she turned on her side facing way from the door, feigning sleep. If he thought she was awake he’d retreat back downstairs and she ached to feel his warmth beside her. There was a pause as he assessed whether she really was sleeping then he entered the room and quietly closed the door, creeping about as he undressed, God forbid he woke her up and had to deal with her.
He lay down be
side her, being careful not to touch her and tears formed in her eyes but she forced her breathing to remain even. Why couldn’t he just wrap his arms around her like he used to? She sniffed the air, trying to scent perfume on him but there was nothing, not even alcohol. He didn’t need that crutch like Danny had.
Still pretending to be asleep, she turned over onto her other side and flung her arm around his waist, as though she’d been disturbed slightly but not woken properly, just to see what he’d do. She felt him go rigid then, to her delight, he lightly ran his fingertips up and down her arm and she tried not to smile at this simple sweet gesture. She nuzzled in a little more, her face against his shoulder. Again he went tense before relaxing and she felt him kiss her hair. Maybe they weren’t such a lost cause after all?
“Ryan?” she murmured, making a show of opening her eyes and stretching.
“Err, yeah. Sorry to wake you.”
“It’s okay.” Deciding to take a chance, she rolled on top of him and kissed his chest. Having a go at him wouldn’t get her anywhere, so she decided to go easy on him instead. “How’s Jez?”
“Fine.”
She rolled her eyes when it became clear he wasn’t about to elaborate. Instead she feathered his chest with kisses.
“Rachel…”
“What?” she said, moving up to his neck, smiling into his throat when he inhaled sharply.
“I’m really tired.”
But she was determined not to give up. “You don’t need to do anything, just lie there.” She cringed inwardly, unable to believe she’d just said that. How tacky.
“But…”
She cut him off with a kiss, heartened when his arms went around her and he pulled her against him. She undulated her body against his, feeling his hardness between her legs. He rolled her onto her back and she held onto him for all she was worth as he explored her with his hands and lips, feeling him coming back to her.
“I’ve missed you Ryan,” she breathed.
Her words broke the spell and he lifted his head. “I’m sorry, I’m not in the mood.”
He rolled off her, turning his back on her.
“Ryan, please,” she croaked.
He didn’t respond.
Furious, she sat up and switched on the bedside lamp.
“If that’s how you’re going to be then you can sleep in the spare room,” she spat at him.
He turned over, looking incredulous. “This is my bed.”
“Why don’t you piss off so you won’t have to touch me, I know it disgusts you.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then why won’t you have sex with me?” she practically yelled in frustration.
“Keep your voice down, you’ll wake the kids.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t go on tiptoeing around you, frightened to say the wrong thing in case I drive you away. Are you seeing another woman?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous.”
She had to admit that he did appear very insulted by the insinuation.
“I’m not seeing anyone else,” he said in a softer voice. “I would never do that to you, there’s no one for me but you.”
“Then why don’t you want to be near me?”
“I wish I could explain, but I can’t.” He sighed and shook his head, not used to baring his feelings.
“I went through something similar when I had my first miscarriage. I didn’t want to have sex with Danny anymore because I was frightened of getting pregnant and losing another baby. Is that why you don’t want to have sex with me, because you’re afraid of getting me pregnant?”
He opened his mouth to reply, her words making sense to him but she’d ruined it by mentioning Danny Maguire, the old jealousy rearing its head and darkening his mood.
“Perhaps it is best if I sleep in the spare room,” he said, pulling the duvet aside and getting to his feet.
“We need to talk about this.”
“I can’t.”
“Fine, run away like you always do, coward,” she yelled, hurling his pillow at him.
He just gave his weary sigh and marched out of the room clutching his pillow, leaving her to descend into sobs.
The next morning the kitchen was a hive of activity as Rachel and Adela got the children ready for school and nursery. Rachel laughed as her daughter twirled around the room in a clumsy pirouette and Ryan scowled. How could she be so happy? It wasn’t right.
“I’m off,” he muttered, snatching up his car keys.
When she realised he was leaving and might be gone all day and all evening again, she panicked. “Ryan?”
“What?” he said impatiently.
“Can I have a word?”
Sullenly he nodded and followed her into the lounge, so the children wouldn’t overhear. But before she could get a word in, he spoke over her.
“What’s with all the laughing and smiling? We only buried Thomas two weeks ago.”
“You think I’m not grieving anymore?” she frowned. “I will always grieve for him.”
“How can you…” He trailed off and pressed his palms to his eyes.
“You’re not coping, are you?”
“Maybe I would if I was as cold as you.”
Her expression turned hostile, fighting the urge to scream at him. “I think you’d better leave, before we both say something we regret.”
He barged out of the front door instead, so he wouldn’t have to go past the children. Rachel watched him jump into his Audi and speed off, kicking up a spray of gravel, just wishing he’d stay and give her a hug, a kiss, anything.
Realising she was upset, Adela took the children to school then ran some errands, so Rachel would have some time alone. Rachel wished she hadn’t, the silence in the house just made her feel worse. She wondered if there was something wrong with her, but the smiles were false, forced for the sake of her children. Obviously Ryan thought they were real. She explained all this to Beth when she came round to see her later that morning.
“Of course you’re not unnatural, we know how much pain you’re in but you still have three kids to think of. You have to try and get back to normal for their sakes.”
“Ryan’s not coping,” Rachel said sadly. “He’s pushing me away. He’s never been the type to talk about his feelings.”
“I know, it took him nearly a year to admit he fancied you. Sometimes strong and silent can come across as weak and retarded.”
“After losing Danny and now Thomas, I can’t lose him too. It would destroy me, but I don’t know how to get him back.”
“You could get him some help, maybe some counselling.”
“Ryan Law see a counsellor? He’d end up knocking them out. He needs someone to blame, someone to take his anger out on and he’s frustrated because he can’t find who caused the accident. He feels like he’s let us down.”
“And he’s turning the blame on you?”
“It would seem so.”
“That’s not fair, you’ve suffered too. Men can be so pathetic at times,” said Beth, thinking of her own husband.
“He doesn’t know what else to do. I know what’s wrong with him but I just don’t know how to get through to him.”
“He’s going out with Jez today. He’s noticed how he’s behaving and he told Alex he’d have a word.”
“Let’s hope he can talk some sense into him then.”
Like Mikey, Beth wanted to discuss her own problems but refrained, they seemed so petty in comparison to Rachel’s. Obviously Rachel had forgotten all about the breakdown she saw her have, which she was grateful for because she was so ashamed of herself. At least Alex had said she could keep the au pair, as long as she wasn’t around when he was, but he was hardly ever there anyway. He was losing interest in her, she could feel it but she lacked the energy to fight for him. Maybe she was losing interest in Alex too? However she had the feeling he’d never let her go. In his head a divorce would weaken him in the eyes of his associates and disturb his sense of control. But she kept all
this to herself. She’d talk to Rachel about it when she was feeling stronger.
Jez had tried talking some sense into his brother but he was fighting a losing battle. Ryan was one big ball of anger and pain. He’d tried gently cajoling, reasoning, even yelling at him but nothing was getting through. Now Ryan was driving them both through the city streets, slamming the car into gear with exaggerated force. Jez decided not to criticise his driving. Ryan was in the mood for a fight and he had no wish to take him on.
“Bastard,” roared Ryan, slamming on the brakes, sending them both lurching forwards in their seats when a car pulled out of a side street and almost slammed into them. Ryan snapped as he recalled what had happened to Rachel and he threw the car door open and leapt out.
“Ryan, don’t…bloody seatbelt,” muttered Jez when the thing wouldn’t come undone.
“Are you blind you fucking moron?” roared Ryan, banging his fist down on the bonnet of the Vauxhall that had almost collided with them.
In response the driver got out, all bravado, no idea who he was dealing with. “You were going too fast.”
“You weren’t looking, you could have killed someone.”
“Want to make something of it?” retorted the man, shoving him roughly in the chest.
Ryan gave him an evil smile. “Thank you.”
With that he laid into the man with his fists, knocking him to the floor. Still Ryan didn’t let up, pummelling him, kicking him in the back, transferring some of his pain onto the quivering wreck on the floor.
“Stop it Ryan, you’ll fucking kill him,” said Jez, who had finally managed to free himself from his seatbelt. He grabbed Ryan and dragged him away, who fought back, struggling to get at the man again. “Calm down,” yelled Jez, keeping a firm hold on him. “Do you want to go to prison?”
Ryan shrugged him off and took a deep breath, glaring ferociously at the man as he lay groaning on the ground, blood seeping from his nose, eyes swollen, front teeth cracked.
“Get in the car. I’ll sort this out,” Jez told him.
A Family Divided (Dividing Line #3) Page 21
