Okay, I was getting tired of this. He was barely even listening and me getting patted down by security had been a running joke with us for months because I was pretty sure that I got selected for it more than any other person in the world.
And he had not one word to say about it.
I swallowed down my frustration. For now. “You hungry?”
“Uhh…yeah, I could eat.” He couldn’t have sounded less enthusiastic if he tried.
I went to the kitchen and studied the contents of his fridge and pantry, searching for fresh ingredients and considering my options. He had some fresh shrimp and vegetables, so I figured I could mix that up with some rice and green onions, pour some soy sauce over it and call it good.
I tried to make conversation with him while I cooked but it was a wasted effort. I’d always known that Parker wasn’t a very open person with his emotions or about his family situation but this was just ridiculous. Neglecting the people who cared most about you when you were dealing with something was no way to live. And he’d been living that way for too long.
I couldn’t let it continue.
Regardless of our relationship, it just wasn’t healthy for him.
Somehow, I had to get him to open up.
We ate mostly in silence at the kitchen counter, with me glancing over at him every three seconds while he kept his concentration focused on his bowl of food. After I’d emptied my bowl of almost all my food and still hadn’t gotten more than two words from him, I dropped my fork.
“What’s going on, Parker?”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to make this easy. “Don’t play that game with me. When we got together, you promised me that we would always be straight with each other. You said we couldn’t keep things from one another if we wanted to make this work. I know you better than anyone, so I know there’s something you’re not telling me and I can’t pretend to ignore it anymore. What’s wrong?”
I didn’t expect an answer so soon but I got one. And it crushed me. “My father’s dying.”
I actually felt my chest cave in with the emotional blow that hit me with. “Oh my God, Parker. I’m so sorry.” I raised my hand to his arm, trying to offer comfort but knew it probably wouldn’t do much good.
I had never even met the man and I knew he was evil, but I still felt tears spring to my eyes. Not for him, but for Parker. For whatever he was going through, whatever grief he was feeling, no matter if he acknowledged it or not. It all made sense to me now, though. The news must have brought back a whole mess of memories and emotions for him that he didn’t know what to do with or how to handle. None of which I was able to understand because he’d never shared them with me.
My guess was that he didn’t know if he should be sad or relieved with this news. And my heart broke for him.
It was obvious that he was in pain. A lot of it.
“You don’t need to be sorry for me,” he said in a low, dark voice that gave me pause. “I realized a long time ago that I don’t have a father. The man who’s dying is simply a broken man who not only preferred his drink to his family, but who took out all of his anger on the only people who cared enough to love him once.”
Again, I tried to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off to stand up and pace the room. I knew he was in pain but I couldn’t deny that his gesture hurt me.
“Why haven’t you talked to me about this?” Because it was obvious that he’d known this information for at least a week.
He shot me a look but kept pacing. “You didn’t need to know. The man hasn’t been a part of my life for years. I don’t want my fucked up past to be a burden for you to bear, any more than I want it to be one for me. And that man is my past.”
I was sure my face reflected the state of bewilderment that statement put me in. “I’m your girlfriend, Parker, and you didn’t want me to know your father was dying?”
I knew he heard the hurt in my voice because he flinched, just enough for me to see before he turned away from me again. “I didn’t want any of that shit to touch you, Kin. All of that is bad. Too fucking bad and you’re good. How can I, in good conscience, dump all of that at your feet? When we got together, I never expected you to take on this part of me, too. I still don’t.”
“But this is you whether you like it or not,” I pushed, standing up to face him. “Your past has made you who you are today, just like mine made me who I am. I want to share this with you because I love you and I’m here for you. I don’t know everything that happened in your childhood because you never wanted to tell me, but I know that it was dark. And even without knowing the details, I would never have gotten involved with you if that in any way bothered me.”
His face was like hard steel. “You don’t know all the stories. The truth would bother you, I promise.”
I stepped toward him and he immediately took a step back. Okay, I knew I needed to give him his space. This was the most he’d ever opened up to me about his past, and I didn’t want to ruin it by pushing him too far, too fast.
“No matter what you tell me, it won’t change the way I feel about you.”
He shook his head forcefully. “You don’t know that. You have no idea.”
“Yes, I do,” I insisted, raising my voice a little in my frustration. “You can’t try to change my mind, Parker. I’m not going anywhere. Because I know that when you love someone and they’re hurting, you don’t just turn away from them. You don’t leave when they need you.”
I hadn’t meant for it to come out that way but it had and it stopped Parker in his tracks. We both knew how close to home that statement had hit. And from the way he was looking at me, I was guessing he was taking offense to it.
“Really, Kin? You’re going to throw that in my face now? I thought we had gotten past that.”
Well, I’d already put it out there. Might as well air out all of our dirty laundry now. “It’s not like we ever talked about it. About what really happened back then and why. It’s not just your family that you don’t talk about. You don’t open up about anything personal, you never have. How are we supposed to have a meaningful relationship if you can’t talk about what’s going on inside your head?”
It was his turn to raise his voice. “Why does it bother you so much that I’m not the emotional type?”
“You don’t have to be the emotional type. Just tell me something, anything. Because when you don’t and I see how much something like this bothers you, it hurts me. It hurts that you don’t trust me enough to help you, comfort you. Or at the very least listen without judgment. You should be able to trust me with your feelings and you don’t. It makes me question things.”
His body went rigid and his eyes darkened. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
The anger I saw on his face made me squirm. “I just…we just can’t have a future together if you don’t talk to me. You’ve been bothered by something since I missed the All-Star game but you won’t tell me. And this past week, you’ve almost completely ignored me, shut me out. I can’t deal with that every time something happens in your life. It’s not fair to me.”
His brow furrowed in both annoyance and confusion. “How is it not fair to you?”
“Because you’re not giving me all of you. Don’t you see that? Whatever you’re feeling right now, whatever’s been going on with you ever since you learned about your father…it’s part of you. And if we’re going to be in this together, then I deserve every part of you, the good and the bad. Anything else isn’t giving me or our relationship enough credit.”
He was quiet for a few moments and when he eventually spoke, his voice was dangerously low. “And what if I can’t give you all of me?”
Pain sliced through my chest, the question cutting me to the bone. “You can. You just haven’t tried.”
He met my eyes, the grave look in his scaring me. “What if I can’t, Kinley?”
He was baiting me, wanting me to say it
so he could push me away. I knew him too well to let him play this game with me again. I shook my head at him. “I need you to.”
He seemed to know what that meant as he slowly nodded his head, a decision forming in his eyes. “Well, I guess that’s it then,” he whispered, his voice cracking.
My heart stopped, blood turning to ice. “What do you mean?”
“I guess we have nothing more to discuss. You want something I can’t give you, so what’s the point in dragging this out any longer?”
He walked past me toward the living room, his stride long and heavy. I followed him, starting to feel desperate. “What are you talking about? All I want is for you to share things with me. Why is that so hard? You’d really end everything between us over something like that? Because you’re not even willing to try?”
He was walking away from me, his demeanor suggesting that he had already made up his mind.
This can’t be happening.
“That’s not who I am,” he replied with his back still facing me. “I’ll never be that person. I’ll deal with things in my own way, like I always have.”
“And that way’s not healthy!” I yelled, grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn around and look at me. “You can’t always keep everything bottled up. Eventually, it’s going to drive you crazy and you’re going to look for other ways to deal with it, in places that are even more unhealthy.”
I watched as his entire face drained of blood and his eyes went flat. He slowly raised his hand and released my fingers from around his arm, dropping them as soon as they were no longer touching him.
“What exactly are you saying?” Whatever voice he was using, it sure as hell wasn’t Parker’s. It was cold, with a finality that felt like an ax to my heart.
“I’m just saying that you don’t even realize how badly you’re hurting yourself now. After a while, you’re going to start hurting yourself in other ways before you even know what you’re doing.”
“You’re saying I’m going to end up like him,” he said slowly, evenly. “Like my father.”
What? “No. That’s not what I said. I know you’re not like him.”
Fury sparked in his eyes, making him look wild. “But you’re saying that I’ll eventually end up like him if I don’t deal with whatever issues you think I have. You’re saying that I’ll turn to alcohol just like he did. That I’ll turn violent, too?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying!”
I was starting to panic.
This was not good.
“You think I’d hit you?” he asked, his voice cruel. “That I’d actually raise my hand to you? Is that what you think of me?”
“No! Of course not—”
“The way he used to hit my mom all the time?” he continued, backing me against the wall. “It wasn’t like he ever tried to hide it. We all saw. Sometimes he’d hit her so hard that he’d knock her unconscious for a few minutes. One time she fell and hit her head on the coffee table and didn’t wake up for a while. He refused to take her to the hospital. We thought she was dead.” He leaned in toward me, crowding me and blocking me in with his arms. “You think I’m capable of that?”
I wasn’t even sure when I’d started crying. Didn’t even realize I was until my vision started to blur through the tears. I didn’t recognize this Parker. He’d never showed me this side before. I assumed he never showed it to anyone. But as uneasy as it made me, I knew he would never hurt me.
This just made it even more apparent how long he’d kept all of this pain—this hurt—inside of him.
“I know you aren’t,” I whispered to him. His face didn’t soften, though. He didn’t show any reaction whatsoever to that.
He slowly shook his head at me, sneering condescendingly. “See? There’s no point in telling you everything. You already think the worst of me.”
My heart sank and I moved to touch his face, try to ease his anger, erase his doubts. “Parker, no. I—”
“I guess I should have just left you with everything else in my past, huh?”
Those words stopped my hand, freezing it in the air before my fingers reached his cheek. “What?”
“This was all just a waste of time, wasn’t it? Since I can never be what you need, there was no point in me coming back.”
“How can you say that?” I whispered, my heart breaking. “We love each other. How can you just give up on us like this?”
It was like I hadn’t even spoken. “You should probably be with someone like Ryan,” he said, his voice flat but lethal. “Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Mommy and daddy giving him everything he could ever want. No problems to worry about aside from what to wear to the next cocktail party.”
“Is that what you think of me?” Again, no reaction from him. No answer. “That’s what you think of the way I grew up? That’s the only type of person you think I’d want to be with? Because you know me a lot better than that. Or you should.”
“You can’t imagine the problems I had to deal with,” he grated out. “You never wanted for anything. Food, clothing, it was all given to you. We lived day-to-day, never knowing what would be waiting for us at home. Crumbs in the cupboard, blood on the floor, no electricity because he hadn’t paid the bill. You have no idea.”
I leaned forward and got in his face. “You’re right, I don’t know. But I would if you would explain it to me, tell me about it. I can’t imagine any of it because you’ve never shared it with me! You can’t expect someone to understand if they don’t know.”
“I don’t want anyone to understand,” he retorted. “I don’t want them to know. That’s the point.”
My breath stuttered and the tears kept coming. “Even me?”
He stepped away, lowering his arms to his sides. “Especially you.”
He couldn’t have chosen more painful words. If he wanted to kick me out of his place, push me out of his life, he was doing a wonderful job.
“Well.” I swallowed around my dry mouth. “I guess you’re right. That is it then.”
I moved around him and walked over to my suitcase by the door. I hadn’t yet taken it up to the bedroom which made this more convenient, though no less heartbreaking. I grabbed it and moved toward the door, every step harder to take than the last. I glanced over my shoulder, affording myself one final view. I saw some sort of emotion briefly flash over his face, but he pushed it away just as quickly.
“I’ll get out of your life,” I said, my voice cracking. I was struggling to hold back the sobs I wanted to release. “I wouldn’t want to push you into anything that you don’t want.”
I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I always would. But I couldn’t force the words out. Somehow, I just knew they would make walking out that much harder.
But the words were still there in my head and in my heart, even as I shut the door behind me.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kinley
My mind was in a fog after I left his place, my thoughts wandering in a million different directions and nowhere at the same time. There was one prevailing memory, however, that stood out above everything else. Something that had never really left me.
As I recalled it—the last time Parker had shattered my heart and left me to pick up the pieces—I got a horrible sense of déjà vu.
I sped home in my car, being as carefully reckless as possible as I steered down the streets through our neighborhood. I had to get home quickly so I could change and touch up my hair and makeup if I wanted to meet Parker at our spot on time.
He was making a surprise trip home from Altoona, Pennsylvania where he’d been playing AA ball for the Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate club since May. He said he wanted to meet me at our usual spot in the meadow that we loved so much.
I was pretty sure he hadn’t told anyone he was coming since we’d been keeping our relationship a secret all summer. Sneaking around, hiding from everyone was half the fun. The other half was getting to be with Parker by myself. Without Clay or my parents or an
y of the college girls that so often followed him around. I felt so insignificant compared to them. They were all beautiful, built college girls, while I was now a skinny, B-chested high school senior.
But when Parker looked at me and told me that I was the most gorgeous girl he’d ever seen, I knew none of those other girls even existed to him. And when he’d called to tell me that he was coming to see me today, I just about jumped out of my skin.
He’d been so busy lately with his games that it felt like we’d hardly seen each other at all. He only lived about three hours away, but he might as well have been halfway across the country with the limited amount of time he could spare away from the team.
The AA team fed directly into the Pirates and he couldn’t have been more excited when he’d gotten the news. And I couldn’t have been more proud of him. I also couldn’t deny how happy I’d been when I was the first person he’d called to tell. Ever since he’d first kissed me in April and he’d gotten called up to the minors in May, he’d been making every possible effort to come visit. And we talked on the phone constantly.
But since school was now getting ready to start back up for me, I wanted to make sure we got as much time together as possible. So I was absolutely going to take advantage of this impromptu trip he was making.
I had also recently put in for early acceptance at Boston College. They had an amazing photography program, and I couldn’t wait to talk to Parker about it. I hadn’t gotten in yet but I felt like my chances were pretty good.
I whipped my car into our driveway and sprinted into the house and up the stairs, waving off my mom as I passed her coming out of the kitchen. “Sorry, can’t talk now, Mom! Got to go meet Cammie to finalize our schedules for the semester!” Cammie had pretty much been my excuse all summer when I wanted to go meet up with Parker.
“Wait!” she yelled, making me stop at the top of the stairs to turn and look down at her. “I just wanted to know if lasagna was okay for dinner.”
Playing for Kinley (Cruz Brothers Book 1) Page 33
