Kade puts his hands on my hips and encourages me to turn so that I’m facing him, straddling him actually. He reaches up, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck and placing his thumbs at my jaw. “You know I will never say a word of this to anyone, right?”
I smile a little. “I was kinda hoping for that.”
“And you know that none of this changes how I feel about you?” he asks.
I smile again. “I was kinda hoping for that, too.”
Kade’s expression changes and he looks very serious. “Actually, I take that back. All of this does change things.” I hold my breath, waiting for what I have been expecting. He is staring into my eyes when he says, “Before all of this I knew you were a strong, beautiful, independent girl. But now… ” He pauses as he looks back and forth between my eyes. “now I know you are all of those things in spite of all that has happened to you. That, my sweet Shy, that is the reason I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Chapter 26
Now it’s my turn to flinch. “Kade, you can’t —”
“Don’t tell me what I can’t do, Shy,” Kade says, cutting me off. “And I think if you take some time, outside of your own head, and just let yourself feel… Well… I think you’ll see you may just be feeling the same way.”
“Regardless of how you feel, you have spent the last eight years of your life avoiding people like me,” I remind him.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, clearly not following my line of thinking.
“No obstacles, that what you said. You have avoided drinking, drugs, getting into trouble, and people who get in trouble with the law.” I point at myself. “I don’t think I would pass your FBI application process.”
Kade gives me that life-changing smile, then pulls me tight against him again. “What you have failed to notice is that all of my careful planning, and goals for the future, became irrelevant that first night you slept in my arms. That night I watched you drift into a peaceful sleep, after having just seen you in so much pain. When your stuttering breaths became even, and the lines around your eyes went smooth, I knew then I would do anything to never see that hurt on your face again. If you had woken the next morning and said you wanted to find the closest auction and rescue every horse there, I would have made it happen.”
Damn, where does he come up with this stuff?
I turn my nose and bury it in his neck, inhaling his “just Kade” scent. I can feel his pulse at my cheek and I hear his gentle breaths at my ear. I need to clarify. “So,” I hedge, “are you saying that you’re not married to the idea of becoming an agent? Because the other night you were ready to walk down the aisle with that plan.”
I feel his soft chuckle. “No, Filly, I’m not married to anything about my future anymore. Right now I believe I want to be an agent, but what if I don’t get in? What if I do, and I hate it? What if I discover I have the awesome talent of stripping? How could I go on to the FBI academy and rob the women of this world of my amazing body, lathered in baby oil, dancing around a filthy male strip club?”
Now I laugh. “Yes, that would be a shame.”
Kade lifts his hand to run his fingers through my hair. “So you see, I have the ability to adjust my future plans accordingly. I just need you to be willing to do the same.”
I shake my head and start to pull back. “Kade, I like you, but—”
Kade cuts me off again. “Please just try, Shyanne. Don’t minimize everything that’s happened between us over the last few weeks, or even just today. Please, please just try to trust me with your heart.”
He takes my hands in his and pulls them both up to his chest, holding them tight in his own. “Let me in, Shy. Let me see… hold… cherish that fractured heart of yours. I know it’s terrifying. I understand now why you never let anyone have all of you. But you chose to share your story with me, which tells me I mean something. A part of you trusts a part of me.”
He reaches out one hand to caress my cheek with the back of his fingers. The gentleness in his eyes causes my breath to catch in my throat before he continues. “The pain you experienced is senseless, and I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what that’s been like for you. I can tell you what it’s like to love so hard every part of your body senses when the other person is near. I can tell you that when you allow yourself to fall in love you wake up in the morning smiling because you know you will see that person. I can tell you what it’s like to hold someone in your arms and know that your future will not be whole unless she is in it.” He pauses while staring into my eyes. “The reason I know all of this, Shy, is because I fell in love with you weeks ago.”
I close my eyes and lean into his touch when he continues. “When you walk into a room I have to stop my legs from moving toward you. Every time you laugh, I thank God I was there to hear that sound. When you cry I feel a crack in my own heart because I can’t fix what hurts you. When we fight I feel like my lungs are starving for air because I am terrified that you will walk away.” He gently rubs my cheek so I open my eyes to look at him again. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling, Shy, because I already know. Now, I am asking you to please trust me. Choose me. Love me, with all of you.”
I reach up and place my hand over his, pressing it tighter against my cheek. “I can’t fall in love. You don’t understand. I have to protect myself.”
Kade sighs. “I’m only asking that you stop fighting this. I don’t need you to profess your love right now, or even next week. I can wait for that part. I just need you to stop pushing me away; stop running.”
“See, you don’t understand. When you said the other day that I run; you have no idea how true that statement is. I do run, and I will run again. Asking me to promise that I won’t is like me asking you to give me a flying horse. It doesn’t matter how much you want to give me that flying horse, it’s just an impossible request.”
“If you were paying attention, you’d know that if you tell me you want a flying horse then I’ll go find you two.”
I lean into him completely, wrapping my arms around his waist, and lay my head on his shoulders. I draw in a long breath and as I release it, I nod. “Okay, I’ll try,” I say, not believing I am taking this leap.
Kade squeezes me, at the same time breathing out, “Thank fuck.”
“Wait,” I say, needing to make sure he understands. “When I say I’ll try, that is no way a promise that I won’t run.” I pull back, forcing him to do the same. “Before we take this any further, I need to know you are going into this fully informed. You may wake up one day and I’ll be gone. Not gone, as in I need a few days break. Gone… as in no longer coming back.”
As I give him this truth, my voice cracks a little and I have to look away. It’s not just Kade that needs to be prepared for that chance.
“Look at me, Shy,” he demands. So I do. “Why are you so convinced you’re going to run? I know you will probably freak out again, but we can work through it.”
I give him a sad smile. “Because flying horses are not real, no matter how much I want them to be.”
Kade shakes his head then says, “Fine, if this is all you can give me right now, then I’ll take it. But I’m going to get you a flying horse, and when I do you’ll agree to never run.”
I kinda want to hit him for being so stubborn, and hug him for not giving up.
Before I do, he says, “I have one more question before we call it a night.”
I scrunch my brow and tilt my head slightly.
“Have you ever been with anyone… consensually?” he asks, trying to use his words carefully.
I shake my head, feeling like a teenager again. “No. I’ve never even kissed someone. I mean, those guys… they kissed me, but… well… ” I draw in a slow breath, trying to decide how to let him know just how new all of this is to me. “Kade, you are the first guy I have let hold me. I have never slept in a bed with a guy until that first night with you. All the time I have spent with Ryder, he has never held me like you do. I’ve
never wanted him to, either. I’ve never wanted anyone to kiss me… until you.”
Kade’s eyes are unreadable as he says, “Now there is something I need to do.” He lifts both his hands back up to my face, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck. His thumbs stroke my cheekbones as he uses the pressure of his fingers to pull me closer. When his lips are just a breath from mine, he says, “This is me kissing the girl I love. The girl who makes me lose sleep at night, the girl who has shown me that safe is boring, and the girl who will tell me if this is too much.”
Then he pulls me that little distance, until our lips touch, and my world changes. The fear and anxiety that is forever present in me makes a shift to gentleness and desire. As Kade’s lips part and I feel his tongue brush my bottom lip, my chest releases the heaviness that has been crushing my heart for years. With this physical connection and the emotional release, I know this is the moment that will change the rest of my life.
I read romantic novels and love a good chick flick, but honestly, I have always believed those life-changing moments just don’t happen to real people. I mean, I know that people fall in love. Just because I can’t love, doesn’t mean I think the rest of the human race is stuck in the same hell. I just never believed there was a “moment” when a person knew their life would be forever changed by another person.
I believe it now. Even if this isn’t love, or this relationship fails miserably tomorrow, this kiss will still have changed who I am. Kade Cross just healed a piece of my injured heart.
“I still have a million questions about all of this, mostly about your dad, but right now you need a break and we both need sleep.” Kade pulls me into the crook of his arm. “We’ll talk more tomorrow.
“I have a question for you,” I say, more than a little nervous about asking.
Running his fingers through my hair, Kade tells me, “Go ahead.”
I press my hand to his chest, watching as I spread my fingers then curl them back into my hand. “Why do you still want to be with me? I just told you that I have had sex with many perverted guys because my dad said I had to.”
Kade cuts me off before I can finish. “You just told me that you were raped by several men. You did not have sex with them, and if you say that again I’ll be forced to smack that sweet ass of yours.”
I sigh, then go on, “You also know I don’t just have small imperfections. I have many sharp edges, some of which have already sliced you.” I pause, then ask what I fear most: “Are you doing this to try and fix me? Do you see me as a project and as soon as you’ve made some repairs you’ll move on?”
The question is one that has been worrying me since he insisted we were going to be friends. So when Kade’s body shakes with his low chuckle, I instantly get pissed. I press my hand into his chest as I move to sit up, but he squeezes his arm around my shoulders, keeping me in place.
“I’m sorry, Shy, but do you really think I go out looking for things to make my life more difficult? After that first weekend, I tried to stay away. Not just because of Luke, but because I knew you were complicated. But now… now I know I love you because you are complicated. I don’t want to fix you, Shy, because I don’t believe there is anything to fix. You are a very strong, independent woman who guards her heart with ten-foot walls. I’m just asking that you take down the walls, not change what you have hiding behind them.”
I hate he always knows what to say, but I also kinda love it.
Chapter 27
Over the next few days, Kade and I struggle to find a rhythm that fits us; most of our time is spent together, but isn’t too intense. I think that Kade is ready for, and could even handle, the intensity. However, we both know that for this to work, I need slow.
The biggest difference is the kissing. I love the kissing. I’m definitely ready for more intense kissing. In bed at night, Kade will kiss me a little longer than our goodbye kisses, but still it’s not enough for me. I might finally feel comfortable having a guy’s hands and mouth on me, and he is holding back. I know this is another way Kade is trying not to do more than I am ready for, but I want more.
Kade and I go round and round in this pattern for next few days. There are moments on the couch, in my bed, in his bed, and standing in the middle of my living room, that our lips will touch and I feel his tongue touch mine. I know he wants to kiss me more intimately, and I have finally gotten comfortable enough with all of his affection that I want to be kissed.
By Friday night I decide I’m going to have to be the one to take this further. Unsure how to discuss it with Kade, I decide to show him. After brushing my teeth and changing into my sleepwear, I walk to my room. Kade is already in my bed, sitting up against the wall. He has a book in his lap, but when I enter he looks up from his studying to give me that smile that has turned my life upside down.
Without second-guessing my plan, I walk straight to him, not breaking our gaze. I crawl across the bed, shove the book from his lap, and continue my crawl until I’m straddling him. I place my hands on his shoulders, then shift my gaze from his eyes to his mouth. As my eyes linger on his mouth I watch his smile fade and his lips part. He knows what I’m about to do, but he is unsure. So, before he has a chance to question me, I close the distance. I’m holding myself up on my knees, lifted off his lap, as I lean in and take what I have been waiting for him to give me.
As our lips come together I immediately open mine so that my intentions are clear. I slide my tongue across his lower lip, then I test it further. As I explore his mouth I move my hands from his shoulders to either side of his face. I feel a combination of anxiety and relief as I show Kade what I need from him. Kade places both hands on my hips and pushes back slightly, causing me to pull away from his mouth. He looks at me with questioning eyes, but instead of answering or even nodding, I lean back in and kiss him even deeper.
Although it’s clear Kade wants this just as much, he pushes on my hips again. I’m still holding his face in my hands. I can feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest against mine as he asks, “Are you sure?”
I slowly lower myself onto his lap, allowing myself to feel what exactly this is doing to him. I consider which words might help Kade understand what I need. Then I explain, “It’s my right, my choice, to feel this, to feel desire. That choice was taken from me years ago. I feel it now, though. Please, Kade, don’t take this from me.”
Kade draws in a shaky breath and drops his head to my shoulder. “Filly… you disarm me,” he says, pulling me closer to him.
“I know I’m not ready to go very far. I just want to feel what it’s like to have you kiss me like you can’t get enough. I’ll let you know before it goes too far.”
“Promise,” Kade asks. “My biggest fear is that I’ll push you too far and you’ll turn and ride away.”
I smile at his horse reference as I pull one hand from around his neck and place it on his cheek. “I know, and although I struggle to trust anyone, I believe you would never do anything to purposely hurt me.”
With that, Kade claims my mouth in a kiss that is more intense than all the other ones combined.
That night I have my first makeout session with a boy, and I learn to embrace the feelings of a teenage girl.
***
I was hoping our first weekend together would be quiet and low-key, allowing me to adjust to all of these new ideas and feelings. Unfortunately, our first weekend together is also the weekend Max and Adrian decide to throw their first party of the semester. Since our apartments are virtually one, that means ours will be invaded too. Having no desire to deal with so many people, I considered going to Ryder’s for the evening, but the girls insist I stay, claiming we need a fun night together.
After some extensive conversation with Kade, I have decided to share some of my story with Keegan and Gemma.
So, before too many people show up for the party, I pull Gemma and Keegan into my room. Then, for the second time in twenty-four hours, I do something I trained myself to never do again. I t
rust.
I grab my desk chair and pull it up to the bed, where both of them are sitting. I reach out and grab a hand from each of them. “Listen, you know I’m not good with words or sharing, so bear with me,” I tell them, trying to make light of what I am about to do. “Although we’ve only known each other for a few months, you both know I am pretty messed-up because of my past. Although you have, at times, gone to great effort to get me to talk, I’ve never been able to trust anyone enough to tell my story. Well, I’ve told Kade most of the details of my personal horror story.”
I stop, dropping both of their hands so I can stand and pace. “I can’t relive all of it again, right now with both of you, but you deserve to know a little.” I stop pacing when I am in front of the window that faces our driveway. I close my eyes and just let the words come. “When I was fourteen years old, my dad started pimping me out to protect his own ass.”
I hear both of them gasp then instant they are at my side. I put up a hand, telling them to not speak yet. If they interrupt me I know I’ll not be able to tell any more. “It went on for almost another four years before I finally stood up to my dad. That night, Ryder came to get me, we packed some of my things, and never went back.” I wrap both of my arms around my waist, feeling extremely nauseated.
I hear nothing from my two friends, nothing but their staggered breathing. Then I feel a hand on one of my shoulders, and then on the other. Both Gemma and Keegan lean in, wrapping their arms around me, and I can hear them quietly crying. They ask no questions and make no judgment. It’s only then that I realize how much I have been missing out on. These girls really care about me, and will not turn their backs on me, regardless of my issues.
***
After the girls and I rejoin the party, I see Kade immediately. He is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, closest to my bedroom. He gives me a wink, then says something to the guy he’s talking to. A moment later he’s at my side, with one arm around my shoulder and his mouth at my temple. He doesn’t ask how it went, or what was said, because he knows more talking will do no good. And because of that, I feel something inside myself being pulled closer to him.
Shy Kinda Love Page 16
