“I guess we are.”
“The medical field and volunteer activism can be very separate worlds. I haven’t seen Nick since his father and I split up.” She pointed to the screensaver. “That’s him in the picture, isn’t it? Recently?”
“Saturday night.”
“So, you two stayed friends,” Nora said.
More than that, Ryleigh thought. “Yeah. We did.”
“I’m sure he’s a good man. He was such a good kid and really took Todd’s death hard.”
“He told me.” Not with words, she thought, but the haunted look on his face when he’d revealed the little he had.
“I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but he never quite bought into that.”
“Nick blamed himself?” That was something Ryleigh had never considered.
“Yes. Todd had been in the hospital with a lung infection. He finally came home and seemed to be doing okay. My husband, Alex, Nick’s dad, had a company dinner and didn’t want to go alone. Nick volunteered to stay with Todd so we could go out.”
“What happened?” Something had or there would be no blame to be assigned.
“Apparently there was a girl Nick liked and he’d been trying to get her attention. It finally happened and she wanted him to come over and help with her math homework. He didn’t want to leave, but Todd talked him into it. My son bragged about being wingman to the smartest, most popular guy on campus. He was incredibly proud of that and grateful to Nick for making sure he was included in social activities. But that night—”
“What?” Ryleigh encouraged.
“I’m sure Todd said he was fine and probably thought he was. He had been so many times before.” Her eyes were bleak, even after all this time. “Nick went to study with the girl. When he got home, Todd was in respiratory distress and couldn’t dial 911. Nick did and the paramedics transported him to the hospital. But his heart stopped on the way and they couldn’t revive him.”
Ryleigh remembered the little bit Nick had said about the incident, the dark brooding look in his eyes that told her something was very wrong. Now she knew why. He blamed himself for Todd’s death. She was afraid part of Nick had died along with him. It certainly explained his heightened sense of responsibility and why he always went when a patient called, no matter what.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” She sighed. “The words seem so inadequate.”
“They’re not. Believe me. It helps to know people care, even after all this time.”
“I’m sorry about you and Nick’s father, too. So often a marriage is collateral damage because of the trauma of losing a child.”
“I see that a lot through my work with the foundation,” Nora agreed. “But that’s not what happened with me and Nick’s dad.”
“No?”
Nora shook her head. “He never loved me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true—”
“It is,” she said. “We knew each other as couples when our marriages fell apart. My husband left because of the pressure of a terminally ill child. Alex’s wife walked out because she didn’t want to be a wife or mother anymore. I’m sure Nick has told you how his dad fell apart.”
No. He’d never said a word. But things she’d wondered about were starting to fall into place and she wanted to know more. She was afraid if she confessed that the man she’d married had kept this to himself, Nora would stop talking. She shrugged, which didn’t exactly make it a lie.
Nora nodded. “Alex drank for a while and took a leave from his job. He couldn’t do anything, including being a father to the son who was just as hurt and confused by the situation.”
Ryleigh’s heart just ached for Nick and what he must have gone through. “But Alex must have pulled himself together. You married him.”
“I thought he had. It was three years later. We talked to each other because no one else understood. Then he proposed. He wanted to be part of a couple and I had Todd to think about.”
“Probably not the right reasons to get married.”
“Not even close.” She smiled grimly. “He actually told me that he never loved me, although it didn’t come as a surprise. It didn’t take long for me to know it was a mistake. Alex died when Nick was in medical school. I’m convinced it was a broken heart.”
“That’s so sad.”
“Yeah.” Nora pushed her glasses up more securely on her nose. “I always wondered how Nick turned out. With his mother leaving and his father’s emotional breakdown, it was such a disturbing experience and he was really just a boy, more sensitive than he let on to anyone. To have lived through that had to affect him.” She sighed. “The reality is that my second husband and I divorced because he simply was incapable of loving anyone, especially me.”
That seemed to be a universal characteristic of the Damian men, Ryleigh thought—although it appeared that his father at least had been capable of great love at one time. It apparently bordered on obsession, but he’d loved his first wife, a fixation that had cost him everything. And Nick had never said a word to her.
Maybe she should have sensed that there was something in his past. Maybe she should have tried harder to get him to talk about it. Instead, she’d walked away. There had to be a reason she was connecting to him again. This time she was older and wiser and knew a relationship needed a foundation. Strong foundations were built on an exchange of information.
This time she was going to try to help him find peace with his past, their past. If she could do that, maybe, just maybe, he could be the man she could count on. Clearly it was something Nick didn’t want to talk about, but this time she wasn’t taking no for an answer.
Nick walked in the house that evening, still concerned about David Negri. The kid was having a rough time with the asthma and playing football. If he was going to handle practice and games, they had to find a way to get the symptoms under control. But the long-term goal had to be preventing lung damage.
David had been his last appointment of the day. Again, the whole family had come into the office. The two brothers and their bantering reminded Nick of his relationship with Todd. Especially when Jonathan backed off because his brother was wheezing. The give and take instantly went from adversarial to supportive. Just like Nick and Todd. The familiar knot of regret and remorse tightened.
He walked into the kitchen where Ryleigh was sprinkling mozzarella cheese on slices of buttered Italian bread. “Hi.”
“Hi.” She glanced up, then did a double take. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Why?”
She never took her gaze from his. “That’s not a ‘nothing’s wrong’ face you’ve got going on there.”
“I expect to get a call from a patient.” Nick watched her as carefully as she was him. He waited for the hurt and disappointment to take over in her eyes and was kind of surprised when it didn’t.
“I made lasagna,” she said.
“Isn’t that a lot of work after a long day at the office?”
“I actually threw everything together a couple of weeks ago and stuck it in the freezer for a work night.” Her smile was full of sympathy and understanding. “It’s warmed through, so let’s eat before you get that call and have to go back out on an empty stomach.”
Ryleigh filled two plates with squares of lasagna and set them on the waiting placemats. Two individual bowls of salad waited. He took one of the bar stools and picked up a fork. She filled two glasses with ice and water from the refrigerator dispenser, then put them down before sitting beside him.
He took a bite. “This is really good.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
They ate in silence for several moments, but it didn’t seem quiet. He could almost feel thoughts racing through her head. There was a tension in her, an expectation, as if she was uneasy about something.
Finally she said, “Tell me about the patient who might call.”
The truth was he wanted to talk about it and was glad she was there. “Teenager with asthma. He wan
ts to play football, but his mom is worried.”
“Oh.” She chewed a bite of flat noodles, sauce and cheese. “The boy from the asthma clinic.”
He should have known she’d remember; there wasn’t much she missed. “Anyway, his asthma is kicking up. He had a virus, which may have triggered the first attack, but now the weather is colder and running into the wind can cause hypersensitive airways to constrict. Or there could still be pollen in the air affecting his breathing. And I can’t seem to find the right combination of drugs and therapy to break the cycle.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re a legend at Mercy Medical Center,” she said simply.
“That sets a high bar.”
“You don’t need a reputation. It’s automatic with you.”
“I can’t let the disease win.”
She rested her elbow on the counter and rested her cheek in her palm as she studied him. “There’s more.”
“How do you know that? And don’t blame it on my face.”
“I can just tell.” She reached a hand out and brushed her fingers over his jaw. “You’re quiet. Thoughtful. Distracted.”
“Okay. Yes. Yes. And yes.” He set his fork down and wiped his mouth on the paper napkin. “She’s a single mom raising two boys. The younger brother idolizes the older one even though he calls him gopher breath.”
“He sounds like a fun, funny kid.” She laughed. “Is that all?”
“No. There was more back-and-forth, equally as priceless, but that’s the one most fit for a lady’s delicate sensibilities.”
“Oh, please.” Then she said, “What about their mom? She’s not offended?”
“Boys just take it for granted that nothing they say can shock her. Or offend her.”
“Do you blame yourself for your mom leaving the way you do for Todd’s death?”
He stared at her and realized that arrow was a two for one. One question, double wounds. Sometimes he hated that she didn’t miss much. It led to stuff he didn’t want to talk about.
“You asked why I’m waiting for a patient to call and the reason is because when he left my office, I wasn’t sure he didn’t belong in the hospital. What does that have to do with me?”
Ryleigh angled toward him and hooked her heels on the rungs of the bar stool. “Because I asked about the patient and you started talking about the family.”
“So that somehow turns the situation back on me?” he said.
“Yeah. But let me add context.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I had a meeting today with Nora Cook.”
He should have expected that sooner or later his ex-wife and his father’s ex-wife would meet. Both were professional women concerned about children. And when they met, it was inevitable that they would talk about the guy they had in common.
“She told you about how I blame myself for Todd’s death.”
“Yes. But I don’t see why.”
“I was older than him. Stronger. I should have known better. And I swore that I’d never let someone down like that again.”
“It’s not your fault, Nick. You didn’t give him cystic fibrosis. He encouraged you to meet that girl. Nora said he liked being your wingman.”
He’d heard all this before and it didn’t help now any more than it had then. Everyone was a shrink and there was more Psych 101 coming if he didn’t shut her down. “Spare me the analysis.”
“What?”
“The part where you say I’m punishing myself. That I can’t be happy because I hooked up with a girl and Todd died.”
“No. That explains why you drop everything when a patient calls, even if it’s about an ingrown toenail. You won’t let yourself be happy for a completely different reason.”
“Which is?” That was an automatic response, and Nick wanted it back because he knew she was going to tell him.
“Your mother left you and your father.” She tilted her head to the side as regret pulled her lips tight. “Why didn’t you ever tell me about it, Nick?”
“No reason to talk about something that happened so long ago.”
Pity pooled in her eyes. “Everything that happens in our lives shapes who we are. How did you feel about what she did?”
Emotions churned through him, stirred up by her questions. He didn’t want to talk about this, but he recognized something different in her expression from what he’d ever seen there before.
Determination.
This was a new, improved and stubborn Ryleigh who wouldn’t let him get away with dodging the question.
“You want to know how I felt when my mother left?” Frustration and rage he’d thought long buried rolled through him now. “It sucked.”
“I can imagine.”
“No, you can’t.” The closet door was open now, and no way were the skeletons going back inside. “You didn’t have your folks around as long as you would’ve liked, but they wanted you more than anything else in the world. You can’t imagine how it feels when one day your mother is the glue holding the family together and all is right with the world, and then next day she’s gone. No warning. Just outta there. And everything falls apart.”
“You mean your dad.”
“Yeah. And you can’t imagine how he felt, either.” Nick dragged his fingers through his hair. “The man worked and took care of my mother and me. He was in control. Strong. Then she left and…”
Images flashed through his mind like a black-and-white parody of misery. His father drunk and not working. Not taking care of himself. Or Nick. Trying to get the man to at least care about something, even if he couldn’t care enough about his own son to pull himself together.
“It’s not your fault she left, Nick. It’s her flaw, not yours.”
It was his flaw now. “I never saw my father anything but happy, then she left and I never saw him happy again.”
“Not even with Nora.”
“Not even then.” It wasn’t a question, so she already knew his father’s second marriage had problems.
Ryleigh put her hand on his arm. “You’re not your father, Nick.”
“I can’t argue with that.” He looked at her fingers and desperately wanted to link his with them. He would have, except touching her would destroy the single thread of control holding him together. “But there’s no fighting the DNA hand we’re dealt. You inherited your mother’s acute need for a child.” So far he’d let her down there. Another sin added to the list.
“And you? What did you inherit?”
The tendency to lose his control with just one woman. Ryleigh. But he couldn’t open that door; he couldn’t take the chance.
Nick met her gaze. “I learned to never care about someone so much that if she’s no longer with me my life will fundamentally change. To the point that I can never recover.”
Ryleigh blinked at him, but the shock from his words never left her eyes. “So you won’t let yourself love.”
“That’s a fair analysis.”
She swallowed hard once, then pulled her hand away and curled her fingers into her palm. “I guess that’s good information to have.”
The look in her eyes said just the opposite. “Why good?”
“Because I always thought there was something about me that you couldn’t care about.”
“It’s not personal.” The lie was evident when everything in him wanted to hold her.
“Not personal would make it business.” She shook her head sadly. “Now it all makes sense.”
“What does?”
“Being the only doctor available to your patients serves a dual purpose.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “You won’t break the promise you made to Todd’s memory. That means you’ll be there for every health crisis no matter what. And that allows you to keep your personal relationships from getting too deep.” She slid off the stool, then walked to the doorway before looking back at him. “After we met and the relationship burned so bright and hot, I though
t we had cornered the market on happiness. Then things seemed to change and I couldn’t understand what happened. What I’d done wrong. Now I see that you pulled back. I’d thought I was somehow the problem. That I was immature and needy and self-centered. Now I just wish that were true.”
“Why?”
“Because blaming myself would be easier than knowing you just can’t love at all.” The sadness in her eyes said everything else.
She left and Nick was alone with her emotional arrows still making him bleed. She believed he was a coward who hid behind his patients. He could live with that.
It was better that she didn’t know the truth, that he was dangerously close to losing control of his feelings for her.
Chapter Thirteen
Nick couldn’t let himself fall in love.
Ryleigh would never have guessed that. Two days after that revelation she was still trying to wrap her head around it.
Ryleigh absently pushed lettuce around her plate and stared at the spreadsheet on her computer monitor. To the casual observer it might’ve looked like she was eating and working. She was also aggressively avoiding Nick which was actually doing three things at once. It set a high bar for multi-tasking and she should feel better about it.
Her day started out all wrong. She’d gotten used to having coffee in the morning with Nick, but this was the second day she’d skipped it—and him. By getting up before God and out the door when the sun was still thinking about coming up, she’d managed to evade him. It seemed like a good idea. She was still stunned by his personal revelations. And she felt stupid. The last two nights she’d tossed and turned, wondering how she could have been such an idiot when there were rules governing their arrangement.
She hadn’t asked Nick to father her baby to get back together with him. But they had gotten close. Sex without ovulation meant they’d wanted each other for no other reason than that. It had meant something to her. Finding out it was nothing special to him and never would be was like getting run over by a truck. Carrying rocks.
She couldn’t pretend everything between them was normal and okay. Until she could figure out what to do about it, avoidance seemed best.
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