“It's cold-d-d.”
“I know, liebchen. You're soaked. I need to get you home.”
“I’m so s-s-sorry.”
The whisper of her voice, stilled him. “You should be. You almost scared the life out of me.” He wrapped the blanket around her. “You’re shaking.” Her teeth chattered, her lips shivering. He had to get her home. “We have to go.”
“Nooo, I’m okaaay.” Her body shuddered uncontrollably, rocking his with each motion. “I don’t want to ruin our day.”
“Nein, you haven't ruined anything. We just have to go.”
“Waaait, I have a change of c-c-clothes in my bag, in the b-b-buggy.”
“You brought clothes with you?”
“I always d-d-do.” She paused as her body gave into a violent shudder. “It's a s-s-softball h-h-habit.”
“Take these off then and cover yourself with the blanket. I’ll get them from the buggy.”
Paul searched in the front, in the back, and under the seats for her oversized bag she always carried, but it wasn't there. It would take too long to drive to her house.
When he returned, Rachel lay wrapped inside the other blanket, curled up in a small span of sunshine. She looked a little warmer and that made him feel better. “I couldn’t find your bag.”
Rachel sat up when he rounded the corner. “Oh n-n-no. I must've left it on my bed.”
Then he noticed her wet clothes lying on the rocks a few feet from her. “Are you all right? Are you warmer.”
“A little better.” Her lips trembled as she stood, the blanket slipping from her shoulder.
He wrapped his arms around her, securing the thin material back in place. Coolness emitted from her body, and every curve that had been etched in his memory, was now pressing against him. He had to go. “I need to get you something dry to wear. My uncle's house is closer on foot. I'll get Mary. She'll find you something to wear.”
He didn't want to leave her, but had no choice. It would be better for her to stay in one place, in the sun, than to ride in the open air of the buggy with only that lightweight blanket.
He raced across the field and reached the front door out of breath. “Mary, do you have something Rachel can borrow. To wear?”
“To wear?” A shadow fell across Mary's face, and she glanced behind her. Paul hadn't noticed Thomas standing in the kitchen.
“What's wrong?” Thomas and Mary asked simultaneously.
“We were down by the creek. She slipped on a rock and fell in. Her clothes are soaked and we only had a light blanket.”
“Was in der welt?” Mary spoke the question more to herself, glanced at Thomas, then hurried upstairs.
Thomas stopped him with a look. He seemed to be considering the situation. “You're courting an Englischer?”
Paul didn't find the disapproval in Thomas' eyes he'd been expecting. It was more intrigue. Maybe it would be easier than he thought to tell his friends and family. Paul released a steady, gratifying breath. “Jah. I am.”
Mary returned with a sack. “Schnell, Paul. She must be freezing. We have to hurry.”
Thomas would have many questions. Questions he was finally willing to answer. Right now though, Rachel needed him and that outweighed everything else.
Paul sprinted back across the field, Mary following. “She's near the waterfall. You go and help her into the dry things. I'll wait here, by the buggy.”
The crinkling of dry leaves caught his attention before he reached his wagon. What was that? He searched through the trees, but saw nothing. Then Anna stepped out into the clearing, holding a bright, rectangular object. Very similar to that little phone Rachel always carried with her.
Anna's eyes were fuming, and he froze.
A vine of agony coiled through his chest, strangling the air from his lungs. “Anna? What are you doing out here?”
“What's wrong, Paul. You look naerfich.” So intent was he on that thing she held in her hand, he missed when she eased closer, pressing against him. Hard. “So, you want to accuse me of falling all over you, yet you bring your Englischer aldi to the woods and coerce her into undressing.”
Panic leaked into his veins. “It isn't what you think. It was an accident. She fell into the water.”
“This looks nothing like an accident.” Anna brought the phone to life, shoved two pictures in his face, and he stopped breathing. Rachel trying to cover herself with the blanket, but failing. Rachel and him wrapped in an embrace with only the cover of that blanket. What had he done?
“Act your age, Anna. You're a little old to be a blabbermouth.” Paul's stomach cramped, because he knew that was her exact motives. And there was nothing he could do to change it. But still he had to try. “You'll be in trouble yourself showing pictures you took with a phone. You know that's against our rules.”
“You have no right lecturing me about our rules.”
“I already told you, it isn't what it looks like. And it's none of your business. You and I are not courting, Anna.”
“Jah, it's my business now. You are my business, Paul. If you would've just courted me like you should've done in the first place, none of this would be happening. And your precious little Englischer wouldn't get hurt.”
“You're not doing anything to her.”
“You're right, I won't have to. Because you will break up with her. And if you don't, I'll show this to everyone in your family and to everyone in our community. What will they think about your little aldi then? What will they think of you?” She brushed her fingers down the length of his arms, quickly, seductively, before he could snatch away. He scanned her face, remembering each word as his gut turned to stone. “I'll be looking forward to riding home with you on Sunday.” And then she was gone, leaving him trapped in a raging fire without a trace of water.
Mary finally came back, Rachel by her side. When he saw Rachel dressed in Amish clothing, it felt as if someone snatched his heart right out of his chest. Every ounce of his attention was suddenly focused on how he was going to get out of this, how he was going to protect Rachel.
As soon as Mary headed across the field, Rachel darted toward him like a rabbit fleeing it's enemy and grabbed his hand. The bitter cold, shocking against the warmth of his fingers. “Thomas knows?”
Paul couldn't deny the truth. A truth that he'd been happy about. “Jah.”
“He didn’t know about me and now he'll ...”
“Don't worry. It'll be all right.” He spoke the words, but the reassurance didn’t reach his heart. He was worried. More worried than he'd ever been. But it had nothing to do with Thomas. Right now nothing mattered more than keeping Rachel's reputation from being tarnished by Anna's twisted lies.
He steeled his mind against the certainty of what needed to be done and grasped Rachel around the waist. With his help, she climbed into the buggy. “Thank you.” She immediately pulled her feet under her legs. “I’m so sorry, Paul.”
His fingers trembled as he reached for the reins. “I just want to get you home and warm.”
“I ruined our afternoon.” Silent tears swirled down her cheek, but her voice remained steady.
“You haven't ruined anything.” He had. He should've been honest with his family from the beginning.
They reached her house, and once inside, she took his arm, stopping him from taking another step. “Do you love me?” She reached for his face, her finger brushing over his brow, his cheek, and coming to a halt on his lips.
“You know I do.” His lungs rejected the fresh air. He was incapable of taking a full breath.
“I just want to love you.” Rachel's breath released in a soft pant between whimpers. “No matter what.”
He seized her, crushed her against his chest, and merged his mouth with hers.
How was he going to let her go?
Thirty-Seven
Rachel changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed still feeling a chill. She snuggled under the covers, her pulse racing, remembering that kiss. It almost felt
like goodbye.
Why had she asked him to take her to prom? It was selfish. She knew his answer. And she knew why. She wanted to go, but was it worth hurting him?
And now Thomas knew about her. Paul's reaction when she reached the buggy spoke deeper than any of his words. He was devastated. There was no denying it. She cried harsh tears into her thick pillow. It wasn't fair. None of this was.
What if he decided it would be easier to date an Amish girl? An Amish girl wouldn't put demands on him. An Amish girl wouldn't have to go to a prom. He wouldn't have to keep an Amish girlfriend a secret.
She needed to tell him she was ready to give up everything to join his Amish church with him.
Mary already accepted her, and her family treated Rachel with love whenever she visited. Rachel wanted to be a part of their family. She was falling in love with all of them. They would accept her and Paul as a couple eventually. They just had to. Maybe they would admire her for giving up everything to join them, all because she loved one of their own so much. She had to make his aunt and uncle believe that. She had to make Paul believe it.
Rachel lingered by her locker Monday morning, thinking how hard it would be not to see Paul until the weekend, when she noticed Kelli standing beside her.
Startled, she glanced up. How long had Kelli been there? And how long had Rachel been staring aimlessly inside her locker. “Hey.”
Kelli didn't respond, but leaned against the locker, gloom emanating from her expression.
“What’s wrong? You look like you've lost your best friend.”
Kelli grabbed her hand. “Did you spend the weekend with Paul?”
“Yes.” Not daring to think the worse, she inhaled hard, bracing herself for whatever was coming next. “Why? What is it?”
“You were with him all day Sunday?”
“After church. Later in the afternoon.” Then a shadow fell over Kelli's face and foreboding crept up Rachel's spine, panic suddenly racing through her veins.
“I don’t want to tell you this, but you should know.”
Something happened ... something was wrong. Had someone else found out? Air was slowly sucked from her lungs and she could no longer speak.
“Paul gave Anna a ride home in his buggy.
“What? What do you mean? When?” She exhaled. It had to have been a long time ago, way before they started dating. The same ride he had told her about.
“Sunday afternoon. I saw them together.”
“You're sure it wasn't Mary?”
“It was Anna's farm. And when I saw him, I waited. He stayed in her yard for several minutes before he left. I know how Anna is, and I didn’t want you to hear it from her or anyone else.”
The world seemed to start spinning, her feet no longer steady. No. It had to be a mistake. He wouldn't. Would he? It had to be only a simple ride home. There had to be some explanation. But why hadn't he told her?
“I'm sure it's nothing. But I thought you should know. I'm sorry.”
Rachel faced Kelli gluing on a smile. “No. Don't be sorry. Thank you for telling me. I'm sure it was no big deal.”
“I've got to get to class. I'll see you at lunch.” Kelli walked away as Rachel stared after her.
I need to go home. No. There was no need to go home. Paul was working in Hershey and she wouldn't see him until this weekend. How was she going to wait that long to hear the truth?
Rachel slammed her locker. She carried the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach the rest of the day. Why hadn't he told her? Stop this! I have nothing to worry about. He wouldn’t do anything behind her back, but he had said nothing about it.
Out of all the Amish girls in Lancaster County, why did it have to be Anna?
This was Rachel's fault. She had put too much pressure on him.
What was she supposed to do? Ask him or just pretend she didn't know and wait for him to tell her. But what if he never did?
Paul was standing by his wagon in her yard when she pulled into the driveway after school. Rachel's pulse stuttered. Why was he here?
Pressing her palms against her stomach, she took a deep breath. After climbing from the car, she treaded toward him, but Paul wasn't looking in her direction.
She licked her dry lips and prayed the shakiness in her middle didn't ease out with her words. “Hey there, handsome.”
Still, he didn’t look at her. “Hullo, how was school?”
His expression looked wrong, tired. This is bad, very bad.
“I'm so surprised to see you. I thought you'd still be in Hershey, working?” She fought against the nervous butterflies.
“I left Caleb in charge for a while. I needed to see you.” He finally glanced at her, his brow crinkled, and she could've sworn there was a light sheen in his eyes. “Can we talk?”
“Of course.” She had to tell him. They wouldn’t even have to wait until she graduated. She could join the Amish church, and they wouldn't have to hide their relationship anymore. This was too much strain on him—on both of them. She followed him, her insides empty. No matter how she tried, Rachel couldn’t push the image of Paul and Anna sitting side-by-side on his buggy seat from her mind. Was Anna the reason he acted so distant?
His face was worn, like he’d aged years overnight. “Let's go inside the barn.”
“Okay.” She took a step, hoping he’d take her hand. When he didn’t, she took his.
Everything would be okay, they were together and could get past this. It was only a minor bump in the road. This was what she'd wanted, to talk to him. To learn the truth. But a voice in her head kept saying over and over ... something's wrong, very wrong.
Rachel headed toward the ladder, but Paul tightened his grip on her hand, stopping her. He had never acted this way.
“Rachel, I'm leaving. I'm moving to another Amish community, in another state.” His words fell in a low tone. “I have to leave my uncle's house.”
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I’ve decided to join the Amish church with you.” She rushed on, leaving him no chance to argue. “I'll wait until I graduate if that’s what you want, but we don’t have to, I don't …”
“Did you hear what I said? I'm moving. And you have cosmetology school to think about. It's what you've always wanted, the experimenting, the freedom. You shouldn’t be talking this way.”
“I don't care about my hair, or my freedom, if that freedom doesn't include you. And I’m not going to college.” She crossed her arms. “I don’t need to if I’m going to join the Amish church.”
“I would never let you do that.”
“It’s not up to you.” Something deep in her gut clenched. “It’s my choice.”
“You would've never considered this if it hadn’t been for me. Rachel, you don't belong with me. You belong here with your mom. She needs you.”
“I need you.” She grabbed his hands. “I love you. I want to be with you.” She shook her head trying to wipe free the painful images emerging. Losing him, living without him. “We tried keeping it secret, but it didn't work. Your family can't hurt me.” She swallowed hard. He waited, with no indication of impatience. “You're the only one that can hurt me.”
“I've been hurting you, and I can't do that anymore. That's why I have to let you go.” He looked at the ground, his eyes heavy with pain. “We just can’t be together anymore.” He took a deep breath, and then moved slowly toward her.
“Is this about Thomas finding out? Or is it Anna?”
For one brief moment, his gaze softened, but then it hardened again, and she wasn't convinced it had really happened. “It has nothing to do with anybody. I’m just no good for you.”
“You don’t want me anymore because I’m not Amish. I'm not good enough?” Rachel was surprised how calm her voice sounded—how numb she felt.
“I don’t want you to be anything but what you are. It’ll be easier for you to forget about me and go on with your life. I shouldn’t have let it go this far.”
“Don’t say that.
We can make this work. I love you. You love me.” She said the words, but she wasn't so sure how he felt anymore. She took a deep breath. “I’ll finish school first. It’s only a few more months. We can do whatever you think best.”
His eyes held a warm look for the first time since he'd arrived. “I have to go. Gut bye, Rachel.”
“Wait, please.” She reached for him, but he grasped her wrists, stopping her before she could cling to him.
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Take care of yourself.” He strode past her, leaving her in a dazed silence. The barn door slammed behind him, sending a sharp tingling pain racing across her skin.
No, he couldn’t really be telling her goodbye.
His buggy pulled from the yard, and the farther away the sound, the emptier she felt, the more panicked she became.
A light rain fell from the sky and the wind twirled around her in an unnatural way. Droplets stuck to her hair, her face.
He was gone.
She raced inside.
Mom was standing in the living room entrance. “Rachel?” She turned toward her mom uneasily. “I heard Paul leave. He didn't stay long.”
The sound of his name released the pain ripping through her. Breathless, Rachel shook her head, desperate to escape the ache swelling in her chest. “He's leaving.” Mom started to say something else, but she cut her off. “I can't talk about this right now.”
Rachel hurried upstairs, locking the door behind her. She sank to the floor, her knees scrubbing against the carpet. She slipped into a restless sleep, only to awaken to shrieking screams. Her screams. Rain beat against the windows, the sky growing darker with each second. She sat straight up, gripping her arms around her waist. The pain that had only sprayed small doses of mist at her earlier, now drenched her with agonizing, unrelenting grief.
Throat tender, she swallowed. It hadn’t been a dream.
Thirty-Eight
Days ran together as raw emotions of overwhelming sorrow pulsated through her veins. Rebellious consciousness clutched her most nights, but then there were some moments of unhindered rest. It was more than sleep, it was deeper, it was paradise. Moments when Paul's presence hovered, his breath like a warm breeze against her skin. If with only one peek she could see his face, with one touch ease the tremor in her fingers, with one kiss satisfy her thirst.
Chasing Paradise (A Paradise Novel Book 1) Page 20
