by Amy Cross
"I'll take a look at this brochure," I say. "How long before I have to make up my mind?"
"A few days," he says. "I can't keep Dr. Campbell hanging on forever, he's got important work to be doing. I really can't emphasize enough how good this place is, Kirsten. It'll suit you down to the ground. If you turn this offer down, it might very well be the biggest mistake you ever make".
I nod. "I'll give it some serious thought," I say. "Can I go now?"
He sighs. "Go," he replies. "Just go. But think about Lakehurst. It's a good place for a girl like you".
I turn and head out of the room, walking along the empty corridor towards the library. I hate when people say things like 'a girl like you'. I know exactly what they mean, and it drives me crazy. Frankly, I'm surprised Adam didn't just tell me to get on my knees and suck his cock right there and then. He'll do it eventually, I guess. He's heard the rumors about me. Sometimes I think those words 'a girl like you' will haunt me for the rest of my life. One mistake. That's all I made. But people don't forgive, and they don't forget. Life goes on, but there'll always be these invisible threads holding me back and tying me to a mistake I made a long time ago.
Annie Radford
Lakehurst Psychiatric Hospital. Today.
"Annie, do you know why I invited you in here today?" Nurse Winter asks, smiling at me from behind her desk. It's been a while since she gave me any direct, one-on-one attention. Over the past few weeks, I've started to get the impression that she's been avoiding me, even though I've occasionally noticed her watching me when she thinks I'm distracted. It'd be nice to think that she's no longer interested in me, but I know that's not the case. I guess she's just been watching me through the others, and asking Nurse Perry to add a little more detail about me in every report. There's no way she's going to let me out of her clutches so easily.
I shake my head, looking down at my feet.
"Annie, have you been taking your pills?" she asks.
I take a deep breath, not wanting to answer.
"I need to know that the medication you're prescribed is getting into your system," she continues. "It's very important. Those pills aren't just candy, you know. They contain important active components that will materially improve your state of mind. If you don't take them, I can only assume it's because you don't want to get better". She pauses. "You want to get better, don't you?"
I look up at her. Yes, I want to get better, but I'm not going to tell her that. I'm not going to tell her anything.
"The voices are gone, aren't they?" she asks. "They haven't returned?"
Voices? Shows what she knows. I've never heard 'voices'. Just one voice. The same voice every time. The voice of God. Crazy people hear voices; I hear His voice.
"Forgive me," she says. "I didn't mean voices, plural. I meant... the voice".
I stare at her. Can she read my thoughts? Taking a deep breath, I find myself starting to panic. I've assumed up until this point that my thoughts are private, that no-one can get inside my head. But what if that's not true? What if Nurse Winter and Nurse Perry have been reaching right inside and plucking out every thought, every idea that I've had? Suddenly I feel far more vulnerable than before.
"Think about it," Nurse Winter says. "One day, you'll walk out the front door of Lakehurst and you'll be free. You'll be healthy, and you'll be able to go back to society. You'll get a job. A boyfriend". She smiles. "Annie, have you ever had a boyfriend?"
I just keep staring at her. It's none of her business. None of this is any of her business.
"No-one at all?"
I open my mouth to tell her about Kieran, but at the last second I decide to keep quiet. After all, she wouldn't understand.
"You'll look back on your time at Lakehurst with fond memories," she continues. "You'll never sugarcoat it, of course, but you'll know that this time was well-used. You'll feel confident. You'll be able to accept who you are, and you'll be ready to put your past behind you and get on with the rest of your life. You'll be a useful and productive member of society. That sounds good, doesn't it?"
I swallow hard. All this stuff she's saying... She might as well be telling me that one day I'll go and live on Mars. There's no way I can ever go back out into the real world.
"You'll have a new name, of course," she says. "Have you thought about that? The facts of the matter are that there will always be people who hate you, Annie. People who've read media reports about what you did, and who believe that they have to finish off the job that our justice system failed to get done. So you'll be given a whole new identity. It's nothing to be scared of". She pauses again. "Anyway, this is all far in the future. I'm just trying to give you something to aim for. I'm not convinced that you're through the darkest part of your journey yet, but I want you to remember that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Will you at least do that for me?"
I say nothing. I just want to get out of here and go back to my room.
"I'm going to give you a special treat," she says. "I'm going to let you go with Nurse Perry to the gas station".
I stare at her, as a cold sweat breaks through my body. It's been so long since I left Lakehurst, the thought of going out into the real world again is terrifying.
"Are you scared?" she asks. "It's okay if you're scared, but you'll be fine. It's a ten minute trip each way, plus a few minutes in the gas station itself. There's no need to be alarmed. Your pills will subdue any psychotic tendencies, and I think it would be good for you to get a taste of the outside world again. I don't want you to get so enclosed here that you lose all touch with reality".
"Why?" I ask.
"Why what?" she replies. "Why am I giving you this opportunity? Because I like you, Annie, and because I think it'll be really good for you. You'll get to see that you can still function out there, beyond the walls of Lakehurst". She stands up and walks over to me, before crouching down so she can look up into my face. "There's no need to be scared," she says. "Trust me, I wouldn't give you this opportunity if I didn't think you can handle it. You've made progress, and you've been taking your pills. You have been taking your pills, haven't you? I can't let you go out with Nurse Perry if you haven't been taking your pills".
I nod.
"Look me in the eye," she continues, "and tell me you've been taking them. It's very important. I won't be angry if you haven't, but I really need to be certain".
I pause for a moment, and then I look her straight in the eye. "I've taken all my pills," I say. "Every damn one">
"Good girl," she replies. "That's what I like to hear. I'll go and tell Nurse Perry that you're ready. Wait here for a moment". She stands up and hurries out of the room, leaving me sitting there alone. The room is so large and silent, it feels like the empty space is begging to be filled with noise and voices.
"Don't be scared," says the voice in my head. "This is perfect. She's giving you everything you want, on a silver plate. All you have to do is take it. You trust me, don't you?" There's a pause. "Tell me you trust me, Annie".
I nod.
"Good. Go to the desk. Get up. Go".
Obeying, I stand up and walk over to Nurse Winter's desk.
"Open the top left drawer and take out the letter opener".
I do what I'm told. There's a silver letter opener in the drawer, with a long blade.
"This is what you'll use," the voice says. "Wait until the right moment, and use it. I'll take care of everything else. You just have to complete your task. Do you understand?"
I nod.
"Put it away".
I slip the letter opener into my pocket.
"I'll let you choose when to kill the bitch," the voice says. "She'll probably try to make a pass at you while you're alone. That's when I'd do it, but of course it's up to you. Just remember to get it done. I need to be sure of your loyalty. First your brother, then the closest thing to a lover you'll ever have. And then, I'll be able to reveal your third and final task. After that, you'll be free of me forever".
/> "Annie?" asks a voice behind me. Startled, I turn to see Nurse Perry standing in the doorway. She has a slightly worried look on her face, as if she doesn't really want the responsibility of taking me away from Lakehurst. I can understand that. But Nurse Perry seems to be meekly obedient in all situations, so of course she'll do whatever she's told to do.
Without saying anything, I walk over to the door. Nurse Perry leads me along the corridor and through the double doors that lead into the main hallway. I haven't been to this part of the building since the very first time I was brought to Lakehurst. How long ago was that? Weeks? Months? It's all merged into one long series of days. All I can do is stand and stare straight ahead as Nurse Perry opens the front door and leads me outside.
Nurse Winter
Middlebridge College. 1998.
I don't usually go out in the evenings. I prefer to stay in my room and read, but tonight I've been persuaded to join Rachel and her friends at a bar in town. From the moment I agree, I know it's a mistake. I've been sober for two years now, and I avoid bars and pubs carefully. But I figure it's time to let myself go back out into the world, and I'll be fine if I just stick to soda. One little trip to a bar isn't going to be enough to tip me back into my old lifestyle, is it? Or is my whole life so fragile? Is my sobriety constantly in danger of collapse? Either way, I have to find out.
The bar's pretty dark and sordid, but we find seats on a balcony overlooking the river. I catch the others glancing at my drink, and I know they're wondering why I've got lemonade instead of a beer. I'd assumed that Rachel would clue them in, but apparently she hasn't told them anything about me. After catching Rachel's eye a couple of times, I can see that she recognizes how awkward I feel, and I excuse myself for a bathroom break. When I get back, everything's more relaxed and it's clear that Rachel has finally told the others about me. The changed atmosphere should make me feel more comfortable, but it doesn't; if anything, it confirms that they're all judging me.
As the evening wears on and midnight approaches, the others get drunker and drunker and I start to feel like I'm getting in the way of their fun. They decide to go on to a club, and I politely decline to join them. Although they try to get me to change my mind, I can tell that they're probably pleased by the prospect of getting rid of me. I don't blame them: they want to have fun and they'd rather not have an ex-alcoholic following them around with a glass of lemonade clutched in her hands. I thank them for the evening before heading off into the night. It's only just gone midnight by the time I'm on my way, and I figure I've still got time to do some reading.
When I'm almost home, I decide to stop off at an all-night gas station so I can get some snacks. The place is so brightly-lit, I almost have to shield my eyes as I step through the door.
"Night out?" says a voice nearby, and I turn to find Adam standing by the magazine rack.
"Hi," I say, a little shocked. "I... No, I'm just going home".
"Uh-huh," he says, turning back to look at the magazines. I sigh and go to the cash desk, buying some chocolate before heading back to the door.
"Fuck him," says a voice in my head. I instantly tense up. It's been months since I heard the voice, and I'd started to hope it was gone for good. I've learned, over the years, to hide any reactions I might have, but this time I find myself just standing there, waiting in case it speaks again. After a few seconds, I start wondering whether I might have imagined the whole thing. "What are you waiting for?" the voice says suddenly. "Fuck him".
I swallow hard. I know from bitter experience that there's no point ignoring the voice. I could walk away and try to forget I ever heard it, but it'll never leave me alone until I give it what it wants. The best thing to do is to just get it over with; at least that should make the voice go quiet again.
"Kirsten?" says Adam. "Are you okay?"
I turn to him. "Yeah," I say. I pause for a moment. "Do you want to go and get a drink somewhere?"
He stares at me, a small smile crossing his face. "A drink?"
"Yeah," I say. "Maybe..." I pause again. I need to keep this quick. "I live a few blocks away," I continue. "If you want to come over". I wait for his response. Although I've given up alcohol, that only applies when I'm making my own decisions. When the voice is demanding things, I allow myself to drink lightly if - and only if - the alcohol is necessary in order to get the job done. In this case, I definitely need a drink. Adam isn't my idea of an attractive guy: sure, he's not too old and he seems to have a good body, but he's also a jerk. Jerks don't turn me on.
"It's pretty late," he says, looking a little embarrassed, "so thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just head home. Have a good night, Kirsten".
"I don't really want a drink," I say. "I just..." I pause, trying to decide how to approach this. "You know what I want, right? I mean... If you want to come back to my place, we can fool around a bit".
He smiles. "That's a really interesting offer," he says, looking flustered, "but I really don't think it's a good idea. I'd be fired if anyone found out, and -"
"No-one's going to find out," I say.
"Kirsten, I'm gay," he replies. "Sorry, but that's just how it is. I'm not attracted to women". He pushes past me and steps outside, before turning back for a moment. "I'll see you in class on Monday," he says. "Let's just put this little moment behind us and never mention it again, okay?"
I nod. To be honest, I was never expecting him to be gay, and I'm not sure what to do next. The voice certainly won't take that as an explanation for my failure, and the last thing I want is to have the voice get angry at me.
"Good night, Kirsten," Adam calls back to me as he walks over to his car.
I head out of the gas station and start walking quickly home. I know the voice is going to come back any moment and start taunting me. Damn it, now I just want to have a drink so that tonight will be easier. I can't handle the idea of the voice screaming at me while I'm trying to sleep. As I get to my front door, I fumble around in my purse to try to find my key. For a moment, I worry that I've lost it, but finally I pull it out and unlock the door.
"I'm not gay," Adam says behind me.
I turn to find that he's followed me.
"I'm not gay," he says again. "I thought if I said that, you'd leave me alone and we wouldn't do anything stupid, but I guess that plan failed". He steps over to me, pushes me against the wall and starts kissing me. It's a cold, wet, slimy kiss and - to be honest - it's an instant turn-off. He's pushing me hard into the wall. I just want to get this over so I can try to forget it's even happening.
"Invite him in," the voice says.
"Let's go to my room," I say.
I lead him inside and through to my room. Fortunately my housemates are all out, so at least I don't have to worry about the embarrassment of them seeing me drag this guy inside. All I have to do is get him into bed, sleep with him, fake an orgasm, make sure he's satisfied and then get him out. If I'm lucky, this whole miserable ordeal can be over and done with in less than half an hour.
"My room used to be like this," he says as I shut my bedroom door. "Back when I was a student. Now I'm an adult and my apartment's full of adult stuff. I guess that's how things change". He walks over to my bedroom window and looks out for a moment before turning back to me. "Do you want to know a secret?" he asks. "I kind of miss being a student. Life was more relaxed back then. I used to have casual, random sex with hot girls and it didn't mean anything. Now..." He pauses. "I don't know why," he continues, "but it feels more sordid. It feels like there have to be consequences all the time, even though..." He pauses, staring deep into my eyes. "Even though it's fucking hot," he adds after a moment.
"It's hot because I'm a student and you're not," I say, walking over to him. "Like you said, you could end up getting fired. But only if people find out". I reach down and unzip his trousers. "No-one's going to find out".
"You have to promise me," he says. "I mean really promise me that -"
"I promise," I say, carefully slipping h
is hard penis into my hand. "This isn't an affair. It's nothing more than two people having sex. Sex doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful thing. It can be fun. Nothing more, nothing less. Just two people having fun". I get on my knees. "Don't read too much into it," I add, before taking his penis in my mouth and starting to blow him.
Half an hour later, right on schedule, we're finished. He sits on the end of the bed, getting dressed in a hurry, while I get up and walk over to grab my clothes from the floor. There's a silence between us that says more than any words could possibly manage. We're not lovers, we're not even friends; we're just two people who ended up having sex. There's no passion between us. It was just a brief moment of intimacy.
"Are you on any kind of birth control?" he asks eventually.
"Yeah," I say, lying.
"I should go," he replies, walking to the door. He seems troubled and a little confused, as if he's suddenly overcome by the enormity of what we did and he wants to get out of here as fast as possible. I have no doubt that he's regretting the fact that we had sex, and he's probably worrying about what'll happen if everyone finds out. What he doesn't realize is that I have no desire whatsoever to have anyone know what I've done with him. It's not exactly a badge of honor, and I'd rather forget about it.
"See you on Monday," I say.
"Sure," he replies, heading out the door. I listen to his footsteps walking along the corridor, and finally I hear the sound of the front door slamming. I hurry over to the window and see him hurrying away along the street. After waiting for the voice to return, I finally accept that it's going to remain quiet. After all, it got what it wanted. I have no idea why it demanded that I sleep with Adam, but I've come to realize that it's best not to question the voice's logic. The voice comes and goes with ideas of its own. The more I fight it, the more it impresses itself upon me, so I don't fight it at all these days. I just give it what it wants, and hope it'll go away for a long time.
