by Amy Cross
He smiles. "I live alone," he says. "I'm a student, doing some research. Besides, I prefer being in a place like this. I don't like the rest of the world. Sorry. I guess I'm weird".
I sigh. "You're a hippie?" I ask. "Seriously?" I suddenly have a vision of him sitting naked on a rock, playing guitar next to a tie-dyed tent.
"Hell, no," he says, smiling. "I just came out here to do some research but, like I said, I like it here. I wouldn't normally bother you, but I've seen you around and something made me want to come and talk to you". He looks a little awkward. "Sorry," he says, "I get a little bored sometimes. My work's kind of monotonous. I've been working up the courage to knock on your door for a while".
"Did you talk to my brother earlier?" I ask. "A little kid, kind of annoying? I saw him talking to someone out here".
"That wasn't me," he replies. "I met him a couple of days ago".
"Does anyone else live out here?" I ask.
"Not out here so much," he says. "I mean there are others in your house. I watched while the place was being built, and then when the five of you moved in, I kept a safe distance. I wasn't sure it was safe for me to come any closer".
I take a deep breath. "There aren't five of us," I say. "There are four of us".
He shakes his head. "There are five of you. Your parents, you, your brother and the other man".
A chill runs through me. "What other man?" I ask.
"I don't know," he replies. "He lives in your house. I assumed you'd know".
"There's no other man," I say. "You're mistaken".
"I thought it was strange," he continues.
"Why?"
"The only person who talks to the other man is your little brother. The rest of you ignore him".
"You're bullshitting," I say.
He smiles again. "I'll be honest," he continues, "some nights I watch you all through those big windows you have. The light of your house is pretty visible for miles all around. You look kind of funny in there, trapped in your box. But none of you ever talk to the other guy, except your little brother. He talks to him sometimes, but only when the rest of you aren't around".
I stare at him. There's something kind of sweet and innocent about Kieran, but he's also pretty weird. I mean, it's not every day that you find a guy living in the forest near your home, and he's already admitted to watching us through our window. In any other circumstances, I'd turn and run screaming back to the house, but I figure we've already got enough weirdness in our lives. "What does this guy look like?" I ask eventually.
"He's older than you," Kieran says. "He looks about the same age as your father. He looks tired, and sometimes he seems angry. He ignores the rest of you and tends to follow your brother around. Sorry, am I coming across as weird?"
"And he's always there?" I ask.
"No," he replies. "Only sometimes. Usually at night, but occasionally during the day as well. I don't like the way he looks".
I smile awkwardly. Everything Kieran's saying sounds like baloney, but there's some part of it that rings true. I can't explain it, but I find it hard to just dismiss everything he's saying out of hand. He's got a kind of persuasive, convincing smile.
"You're suspicious of me," he says. "You think I'm weird".
"Aren't you?" I reply. "I mean, a little?"
"I have a tent," he says, turning and pointing into the distance. "About two miles that way. I live by the lake. Until July, I was living in Boston, studying radio waves. Then I got into some new research and I had to come out here to do some field work. The city was kind of crushing my soul. You know what it's like, right?"
"Actually," I say, "I'm kind of the opposite. This place is crushing my soul. I'm gonna move to Denver soon. I like being in a big city".
He shrugs. "Everyone's different, I guess". He pauses for a moment. "You should be careful, though. That guy who lives with your family, I don't like him. He doesn't look right. I think you should warn your brother not to talk to him".
"There's no guy," I say.
"I'll prove it," he replies. "Meet me tonight, after dark. We can look through the window together. Maybe you'll see him if you're outside. If you saw him today, out here with your brother, it might be possible". He smiles. "I mean, it's cool if you don't want to. If you think I'm too weird".
I open my mouth to reply, but then I pause. Do I really want to come out into the darkness with some random guy I met in the forest? Then again, he's so insistent about this strange man who seems to be living with us in our house, and that kind of fits with what I thought I saw earlier today. I guess I'll be okay, as long as I'm careful. Plus, my Mom would freak, which makes it kind of appealing. "Nine?" I say. "Out by the front of my house?"
"Nine," he says, smiling. "I'll see you then".
"You can come for dinner first, if you like," I say. "My parents are crazy, but they won't bite. You'll have to put some smart clothes on, though".
"Thanks, but I'll be fine. I'll just meet you outside".
"Okay," I say. "Nine". I pause for a moment. "I guess I'd better get back," I add. "My Mom's crazy. She'll be wondering where I am".
"See you later," he says, turning and walking away.
I watch him for a moment. There's something deeply weird about him, but at the same time I feel like the stuff he's saying might actually ring true. Turning and walking back toward the house, I start to wonder if it's really possible that some guy is living with us, without us knowing. It sounds pretty crazy, and I've never been the kind of person who believes in ghosts, but something's definitely wrong with Taylor lately and I guess it's wise to consider all the possibilities. Deciding to keep all of this to myself for now, I go back inside and find that my father is reading a book while Taylor plays on the floor and my mother, I assume, is still in bed. My perfect little family. I stare at them for a moment. Is there someone else here? Someone I can't see, hiding somehow? Feeling a little creeped out, I head through to my bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind as I go.
Chapter Four
Everything's tense. At dinner, my mother barely says a word, though she occasionally casts a jet black stare at me. She's an expert at holding a grudge, and this could last for weeks. In her mind, everything she's doing is designed to help Taylor get over the trauma of all the horrible things she's imagined, but I wish she'd just take a step back and realize how much damage she might be causing. Failing that, my father could actually step in and say something, but he's too scared that she might blow her lid and have some kind of meltdown. God knows how they'll handle these situations once I'm gone.
After dinner, I excuse myself by claiming that I don't feel too well. My mother's in such a bad mood, she doesn't bother trying to stop me, while my father's too weak to say anything other than "Good night". I go through to my room and spend a few minutes getting ready. Going through my sock drawer, I pull out the mace spray that I plan to use if Kieran turns out to be dodgy. It's only half eight, so I hang around for a while before finally opening my window. Feeling like some kind of teenager, I climb out and jump down onto the decking outside, and then I make my way around to the front of the house. Looking up, I see my parents and Taylor sitting in the front room, watching the TV. So far, there's no sign of any stranger in the room, but I guess there's still time for him to appear. I look around at the darkness, but the moon is mostly hidden behind clouds so I can't really see anything. If Kieran's out there, he's keeping very quiet. For the first time, I start to wonder if this is such a good idea. I put a hand in my pocket, double-checking that I've still got the mace spray.
"Hey, Annie," says a voice behind me. I turn and see a dark figure standing just a few meters away. How does he always manage to sneak up on me so easily?
"I don't see anyone extra," I say, looking back up at the window.
"Like I said," Kieran replies, "he's not always there. But he's real, I promise".
"So what do we do?" I ask. "Just wait?"
"If you like," he says. "He might show up eventually
".
We stand there for a moment, but I start feeling pretty awkward. "Are you sure you don't want to come inside?" I ask. I smile at the thought of my mother freaking out. She thinks we're completely alone out here, far away from anyone else, and it'd blow her mind to discover that there are other people in the area.
"No thanks," he says. There's a pause.
"Show me where you live," I say suddenly, surprising even myself.
"It's a couple of miles away," he replies.
"So?" I smile. "I've got all night. I want to see".
"I thought you wanted to see the guy hiding in your house?"
"Maybe he'll be here when we get back," I say. "Come on. Show me".
I can see he's not certain whether this is a good idea, but he hasn't outright refused, at least not yet. "You're the first person from outside my family that I've met in ages," I say. "Either you show me where you live, or I'll just go wondering off alone through the forest. I need to get away from this place for a few hours".
He nods. "This way," he says, turning and leading me away from the house.
Following him, I start to wonder if this is such a good idea. Going for a walk in the dark with some random guy isn't exactly high on my list of fun activities, but I guess it beats standing here and staring at my own family through a window. Besides, the hint of danger kind of adds to the feeling that I'm defying my mother's narrow worldview. As long as I've got the mace, I should be okay.
"Where are your family?" I ask as we walk.
"Gone," he says.
I wait for him to elaborate. "Just... gone?" I ask.
"They died," he says.
"Sorry".
"It's fine," he replies. "It was a long time ago".
"What happened?" I ask.
"It wasn't one big thing," he says. "My mother died of cancer when I was eight, then my father was killed in a train wreck a couple of years ago. I had an older sister, but she died too. My grandparents looked after me, but eventually they died too. There wasn't really anyone else, so I started taking care of myself".
"Sorry," I say again.
"What about you?" he asks. "What's your story?"
"Me?" I pause for a moment. "I'm ordinary. Really fucking ordinary. Until my brother went missing, the most interesting thing that ever happened to me was..." I try to think of something. "See?" I continue. "I can't even think of anything interesting. Just that my Mom's nuts and my Dad's a wimp".
"How old are you?" he asks suddenly.
"Old enough to vote," I say, deciding I'd rather not answer his question directly. "Old enough to drink. Old enough to drive. Old enough to be in college. Old enough to do pretty much anything I want to do. You?"
"Same," he replies. "Old enough to move out to the woods and live alone while I do my research," he adds, smiling.
"You really like this kind of life?" I ask.
"Yeah. Does that surprise you?"
I think about it for a moment. I can't imagine doing something so crazy. I like living in the city, where everything's so busy and there's always something to do, and where there are always people to see. Just being out here for these few months has been driving me insane. "I couldn't do it," I say eventually. "I'd lose my mind. I'd completely flip out. I need distractions. I need stuff going on".
"That's cool," he says. "There are lots of different types of people in the world, right? It'd be boring if everyone was the same".
We walk on some more, talking about this and that, and I start to feel that I could really like Kieran. He's had a hard life, and he's reacted by becoming a little weird, but he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Of course, nice guys can still turn out to be ax murderers, so I don't entirely let down my guard, but I start to relax a little and finally we emerge from the forest and I find that we've reached the most beautiful lake. The clouds have cleared and the moon hangs low in the sky, reflected in the water. Down by the edge, there's a small tent pitched.
"No kidding," I say. "You really do live here".
"Told you," he says.
"What do you eat?" I ask.
"There's lots of food around," he says, "if you know where to look. Berries and nuts in the forest. Salmon in the river nearby. Wild rabbits, stuff like that". He smiles. "It's a real Robinson Crusoe kind of lifestyle, but the air's good and there's not so much stress". He walks over to the tent, before turning back to face me. "You think I'm crazy".
"No!" I say, and it's true. Maybe when I first met him I thought he was insane, but now I'm starting to see why this is a viable option. It's definitely not for me, but some people just can't handle life in a big city. Kieran's taken it to an extreme, but that's his choice. What matters is that he's enjoying his life, free from pressures placed upon him by other people. In a strange way, I guess his reason for coming out here is the same as my reason for wanting to go back to the city: we're both trying to be free, and we're both trying to get away from situations where we're not allowed to live the way we want to live. "How long have you been here?" I ask eventually, joining him by the tent.
"Two years," he says. "One and off. My research project is for a maximum of five. I'm studying for a doctorate, and I'm fortunate to have a little funding. I guess I'm still getting used to this lifestyle. I wouldn't claim to be any kind of expert".
"You're doing pretty well," I say.
"I just woke up one morning in my apartment in New York, and I decided it was time to get my ass out here. I'd been planning it for a while, putting it off because I didn't think I was ready. Then I realized I'd never be ready, so I just did it. Best decision I've ever made, and my research is going great".
"What are you researching?" I ask.
"AM Class-C numbers stations," he says, smiling.
I stare at him.
"All over the world, there are these AM radio stations transmitting weird signals. It's like codes being sent out to spies around the world, and they're still going, even in 2012. No-one knows what they are for sure".
"Uh-huh," I say.
"You don't believe me," he says, grinning. "That's fine. When you get home, look up the phrase 'numbers station' online". He pauses for a moment. "There's this one particular station I've been tracking. I call it EMB-57, but that's my own personal classification system based on its parameters. I've been trying to find its origin for nearly a year, and I've got it narrowed down to this forest. Well, this state, at least". He looks out across the water. "I'm closing in on it".
"What's it transmitting?" I ask.
"That's the interesting thing," he continues. "All the other stations around the world are transmitting code, but EMB-57 is different. It's sending this weird, scrambled, cyclical, almost circadian pattern. It took me weeks to work out why it seemed familiar". He pauses. "It's human brainwaves," he says. "Somewhere not too far from here, there's a radio system transmitting human brainwaves".
"Why?"
He shrugs. "That's what I want to know. It's the reason I'm here".
Looking out across the water, I realize he's following his passion. I wish I had a passion. I wish I was good at something. Sure, I keep telling myself I'll leave home soon, but the fact is: it's never going to be easy. At some point, I have to make a break for it. I've saved up some money, and I've got an open offer of somewhere to sleep in Denver while I get myself sorted out. There's no reason, other than fear, why I shouldn't go back to the house right now, pack my bags, get one of the bikes out of the cellar, and head off toward civilization. I'd feel bad for leaving Taylor in our mother's clutches, but I just have to trust that she'll see sense eventually. I can't live my life for other people, and besides - if I manage to get myself settled, I can let Taylor come and live with me when he turns sixteen. That's better than nothing, right?
"What are you thinking about?" Kieran asks.
I take a deep breath. "That it's time for me to get going," I say.
"I'll walk you back to your house," he says.
"Not just yet," I reply. "I like looking at the wat
er".
Kieran turns to look out over the view. "It's the most peaceful place I've ever been," he says. "It's hard to believe a place like this even exists".
Stepping up behind him, I find myself fighting an urge to reach out and touch him. I've lived a pretty sheltered life. I've never been drunk, never actually driven a car without my dad sat next to me, never fooled around with a guy. Hell, I've only ever kissed one person before, and that was at a party and I don't even remember his name. There's a part of me that thinks I should get some experience before I head off to the big city.
"If I do something," I say softly, "do you promise not to get upset?"
"What?" he asks, turning to me.
"No!" I say, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to turn his back to me again. "Like that," I say. "I just..." I pause for a moment, before stepping really close up behind him. "Stop me if you don't like it," I continue, before reaching around, unzipping his trousers and carefully taking his soft penis in my hand. "Is that okay?" I ask.
There's a pause. "Yeah," he says. "It's okay. But are you sure it's okay with you?"
"I'm sure," I say, slowly running my hand along his shaft. I can already feel him starting to get hard. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I don't want to get to Denver and be this innocent, inexperienced girl. Everyone back in Maine thought I was a loser, but look at me now. Besides, Kieran's kind of hot and he seems to be up for a little messing around. Within a minute or so, he's fully hard and I can tell he's liking what I'm doing. I reach my other hand around and run my fingers over his well-defined abs. When I started touching him, I just wanted to mess around a little, but now that he's hard in my hand I can't help wondering what it would be like to go all the way with him. Down here by the edge of the lake, it feels like the perfect time to finally lose my virginity.
"Do you want to do something else?" I whisper as I continue to slowly stroke him. I can't work out whether I feel like a slut, or like I'm in control.
"Like what?" he replies.
Without saying anything, I walk around and step in front of him. He puts his arms around me and we kiss, tenderly and slowly, while he unbuttons my shirt. Loosening my bra, he finally gets his hands on my breasts, squeezing them gently. He leans down and kisses my nipples, sucking on them a little as I reach down and keep rubbing his penis. I'm starting to get really wet now, and finally I can't help myself and I pull him down onto the ground, quickly pulling my pants off and taking hold of him to guide him inside. He starts slowly making love to me in the moonlight by the edge of the lake. It feels like the most perfect moment.
