Shambles found his voice. ‘It’s that ungrateful Duke’s family. This is all their doing. They’re hell-bent on running us out of town! And I’ll say yes to the meat too, I’m fair starven.’
Confusion reigned at the table while Shambles virtually inhaled his snack. Ondine patted his back, feeling the corrugated ribs through matted fur.
All eyes turned to Ma, waiting for an answer.
She gave it to them, revealing Shambles’s true identity and communication skills.
Da shook his head. ‘Now you’re saying he can talk? Then why can’t I hear him?’
Confusion aplenty. Thanks to the newspaper review, they were already in a state of shock. It was only natural that the news that their ferret could talk and was in fact a real man would completely bowl them all over.
* * *
You’ll understand a certain need for brevity at this stage, what with everything being so exciting – plus, you already know the whole story up to now, so you don’t need to hear it again. Let’s pick this up after the half hour of ‘whats?’ and ‘hows?’ to the point where people started to make sense again.
Chef shook his head and said, ‘Now I’ve heard everything.’
Marguerite and Thomas gave each other surprised looks.
Da’s jaw clamped shut and Ondine could tell, just from his expression, that his mind was already moving on to more important matters: white-hot indignation.
‘But we saved that miserable Duke’s life!’ he spat.
Cybelle chimed in, ‘What could he have against us? He came over here after the incident, bringing half of Venzelemma with him. He was having a great time, wasn’t he, Ondi?’
Heat seared Ondine’s cheeks as she thought about what a great time she’d had, with Lord Vincent kissing her wrist. Her skin still tingled just thinking about it.
‘Right then, no time to waste. Let’s close the place ourselves and then there’s no reason to let the health inspector in,’ Ma said, rising from the table and fetching the clutch of keys.
‘But we’ve got guests, and a full house tonight!’ Da said, then corrected himself. ‘I mean, a nearly full house.’
‘We cancel everything, just for a week, and we’ll work like stink and get it all sparkling from floor to ceiling. Cancelling the bookings buys us some time and when we re-open, the inspector will be so dazzled by everything he won’t be able to find anything to fault. Margi, you and Thomas make up some signs for the front windows to say we’re closed for renovations. Belle, you and Chef put on a slap-up lunch for everyone who’s still here, as a way of saying thanks and goodbye, for the moment. Ondi, give Shambles a bath, he stinks, then both of you join your da in the bar. We’ll start at the front and work our way through the entire place.’
‘Colette, my love,’ Da said, finally breaking his wife’s string of orders, ‘how are we to pay for this?’
‘We’ll find a way. Something will turn up.’
As Shambles finished his third sausage, Ondine offered him some water, which he happily accepted. ‘I’m going to give you that bath, Shambles,’ she said, and kissed the top of his head again. The acrid stench of dead things flew up her nose. ‘Pee-yew, you reek!’
A rumbly laugh escaped Shambles. ‘Care to rub me back, lass?’
From across the table, Ma gave the ferret a stern look. ‘Shambles, that’s not appropriate!’
Shocked, Ondine looked at her mother, face aghast. Jupiter’s moons, Ma had good hearing! Then she saw her father’s icy cold glare – created not from hearing Shambles, but from guessing what he must have said. A smile formed at the corner of Ondine’s mouth. The newspaper article was right in one respect: her dad could chill a whole room with a single glance.
As much as she should feel angry because of her father’s mood swings, she felt happy. Shambles was alive and in one (smelly) piece, and for that she was grateful. In a few hours, her father would be over the shock of the news and would return to normal. The best thing for Ondine to do was stay out of his way.
‘Thank ye for the food, and for yer concern. It’s nice to be missed. I missed ye too,’ Shambles whispered as they left the kitchen. ‘And by the way, I noticed Cybelle and Chef were touching knees under the table.’
The fresh information sent a bolt of shock through Ondine. ‘Belle and Chef? What?’
‘That sister of yers is a dark horse,’ Shambles chuckled.
Ondine’s mind went blank. Not that Belle couldn’t have a love interest, but that it would be with Chef. ‘I can’t get my head around it. But – but he’s nearly twice her age. Belle and Chef?’
‘Sure, and I’m older than ye, but yer about to get me fair nekked in a bath, eh lass?’
Heat scorched Ondine’s neck and face again. Thank goodness nobody else was in earshot of the ferret. As much as she’d like to make verbal repartee with him, there was little time for mucking about. Ondine knew they’d be needed for renovations, whatever that entailed, so it was straight up to the bathroom for both of them. Upon reaching the basin, Shambles came over all shy.
‘Ah, I’ll take it from here if ye don’t mind.’
‘Don’t be silly, you won’t even be able to turn on the taps,’ Ondine said.
Shambles looked at his options. ‘Right then. Well. Close yer eyes.’
‘We don’t have time for this. You need a bath and I’m giving you one.’ Ondine placed the plug in the plughole and set about filling the basin with warm water.
‘Right . . . but it’s just that . . . I’ve never had a bath with anyone else before. It’s well confronting if ye think about it.’
Ondine laughed. ‘But Shambles, come on, you’re only . . .’
‘Only what? A ferret? Thanks a lot.’
‘I didn’t mean that.’
Shambles shook his head, ‘Thank you. I think. Now, I have to warn you,’ he dipped his front paw in the water, ‘oh no, that’s too hot, more cold water please.’
Ondine did so.
‘That’s better. Now, I have to warn you about that Duke and his family. Especially Vincent. He’s got it in fer us.’
Ondine dropped the soap, ‘Lord Vincent? But he was here with his friends and they had a great time.’ She blushed furiously at the memory. The wrist he’d kissed now propped up the black ferret in the basin. He leant against it for support, and she could feel his small heart hammering away.
‘He was here? Then it’s worse than I thought. Stay away from them, Ondi, they’re bad news. They’re the ones setting the halth inspecta on to us. They want to close us down. I don’t know why yet, but they’ve got it in fer us.’
Ondine retrieved the soap and scrubbed Shambles’s furry back. Time to change the subject.
‘Shambles, before you became a ferret, how did you like to do your hair?’ He’d look so cute with a big curl on his forehead.
‘Eh? I dunno, lass, I jest brushed it. Why d’ye ask?’
‘Just wondering,’ she said, wondering how he might have done his hair, wondering what colour it had been, wondering whether he was as handsome as Lord Vincent. ‘I mean, was it really long so you had to tie it back or did you cut it short?’
‘Short like Lord Vincent’s?’
‘Yeah,’ she said before thinking.
‘Aha! So you’re thinking of him while you’re bathing me, eh lass?’
Mercury’s wings! ‘No, it’s not like that.’
‘Really now?’
‘Shambles, please. I was actually wondering what you looked like.’
‘And why might that be? So ye can compare me to Vincent?’
Yes. ‘No, not like that. Just that it would be nice if I knew who I was talking to.’
‘All right. I used to be fit, like. I had short hair, and all the bits of my face were where they’re s’posed to be.’
The description helped. A bit. ‘You’re lucky I didn’t know who you really were, otherwise I might have left you at Psychic Summercamp.’
A stray thought came unbidden – thank goodness she’d c
ome home early from Summercamp, otherwise who knows what might have happened.28
After she finished washing and drying him, and he looked and smelled like a proper clean ferret should, she made for the dining room and got to work. She carried chairs and tables out to the rear garden – as soon as guests vacated them – so she could scrub them down in daylight. It was impressive how quickly guests chose to leave the premises once you removed their capacity to sit down.
Shambles ducked under a chair.
‘What are you doing?’ Ondine asked.
‘Gnawing awf thae gobs of chewing gum,’ he replied, sounding like he had a mouth full of the goo already. ‘Folks have such filthy habits.’
In the harsh light of day, the timber furniture looked hideous. Many pieces were scratched and dented and some refused to stop wobbling. They looked shoddy.
‘Let’s do some sorting,’ Shambles said. ‘The worst of them go by the back shed. We’ll take the wee stoppers off the feet and use them on the good stuff.’
‘Good idea, Shambles.’
‘Aw, thanks, lass. It’s nice to feel useful.’
Ondine beamed at the compliment. ‘So, you haven’t filled me in on where you’ve been. Care to elaborate?’
‘I was fair traumatised by the whole thing. I woke up in the Duke’s place. Big and echoey and full of people wearing stompy boots. If I ever go back there, it will be too soon. I found a place to hide and waited for the Duke to return. He did, with Vincent, and all the time I was there, Vincent was saying how they needed to close this place down.’
‘But . . . that doesn’t make sense. If they hated it, why didn’t they say something when they were here?’
‘I don’t know what their motives are either, lass, but I know what I heard, and it was Vincent leading the charge. Hey, how come every time I say his name ye get that funny look on yer face?’
‘I don’t get a funny look.’
‘Yes ye do. Lord Vincent.’
Ondine kept her expression as stern as possible.
‘I know ye don’t want to listen to me, but it’s the truth. Lord Vincent is nawt to be trusted.’
‘I’ve heard enough,’ Ondine said. ‘We have work to do.’
She spent the rest of the day scrubbing down timber, polishing the good items and fixing what she could, with Shambles directing her. Ma came out to inspect their work, a beaming smile spreading across her satisfied face.
‘I thought I’d have to buy a whole new set, but you’ve done a marvellous job, you two. Right, when you’re finished, come and help us carry out the carpet.’
Just as her mother had ordered, the family were scrubbing their way through the entire building. It meant tearing up the ancient, smelly carpet and exposing the floorboards. Considering the flooring was old, stained and reeked of beer, the renovations were long overdue. By the end of the day they’d done a lot of work, but the place didn’t look exactly clean. If anything, they’d stirred up such huge amounts of fetid dust they’d created yet more mess. It was only one day; they were sure to make more mess tomorrow.
Rolling up the carpet had exposed a thick layer of old newspapers. Not the underlay most people had in their homes to create a soft cushion to walk on, contributing to a lovely, homey atmosphere. Like the carpets before them, the newspapers stank of beer and other weird things, so they had to go as well.
‘Load them all into the fireplace. We’ll have a ritual burning and cleansing ceremony tonight. I hope Auntie Col gets here in time – she’ll have some good spells,’ Ma said.
‘Is Auntie Col coming here tonight?’ Shambles asked out loud. ‘Could she turn me back?’
Ondine froze for a moment. Shambles wanted to be a real man again. Which meant she’d finally get to see what he looked like. In her mind, she’d begun giving him features she found pleasing. But what if the end result fell short? What if he was – gulp – gobsmackingly ugly? In her heart, she knew that was a selfish way of looking at things. Shambles was entitled to his former life. He should be allowed to be himself again no matter what he looked like.
It’s the personality, not the package that counts.
Another sad thought popped into her head. If Shambles becomes human again, there’ll definitely be no more snuggling in bed.
She shook the imaginings from her mind in the same way she shook the dust from the old curtains.
‘Becoming human again is a good idea, Shambles. We could do with the extra manpower,’ Ma said.
Typical Ma.
‘Hey, look at this,’ Marguerite interrupted. She held up a sheet of old newspaper. Because it had been protected from sunlight, the paper had retained its original off-white colour, and the contrasting black text was easy to read. ‘It’s an obituary of the old Duke of Brugel. Must be the current Duke’s father. Oh, and it’s a juicy one too. Listen to this: it says he died without having to answer to charges of embezzlement.’
‘Keep hold of that. It might come in handy,’ Da said.
‘So might this,’ Thomas said, lifting up a section of exposed floorboard. ‘There’s something down here.’
Working together, Da and Thomas pulled up another two boards. All of them were cut into short lengths, as if designed to come away together.
In the cobwebby recesses beneath the bar-room floor lay a large metal box. It reminded Ondine of the deposit box in the kitchen, where they put all their money for safe-keeping until the banks opened on Monday.29 The mysterious box was so heavy they called in Chef to help them lift it out. The men grunted and groaned, pulled it free with an ‘oomph’, then dropped the box at their feet.
More dust billowed.
A tingle of excitement crept into Ondine’s throat – and it wasn’t just the dust – as she began to imagine what might be in the box.
‘What’s in it?’ Marguerite asked the hushed room.
In a flash, Shambles dropped down from Ondine’s shoulder and clambered on to the box, chewing at its leather straps until they came free. Thomas and Josef lifted the lid. Their mouths fell open. So did Ondine’s. And Ma’s, and Marguerite’s. Even Shambles’s wee furry mouth, full of nippy fangs and a little pink tongue, gaped in shock.
‘Saturn’s rings!’ Ondine gasped.
‘Looks like we’ve found a way to pay for the renovations,’ Da said.
‘What did I tell you? I knew Shambles would bring us good luck,’ Ma said.
25 The spell checker thinks this should be ‘cleric’ but religion has nothing to do with this. ‘Skerrick’ means scrap, as in scrap of paper, scrap of cloth or scrap of information.
26 Always have a big breakfast. It gets the metabolism going for the day and helps you think straight. Skip breakfast and you lose ten IQ points.
27 It was for twelve people.
28 In a parallel universe, Ondine remained at Psychic Summercamp and failed all her subjects, then returned home to find a pile of smouldering ash where the hotel and her home used to be. Josef had walked into the kitchen and discovered Cybelle and Chef in a passionate embrace. He’d lost his temper and thrown the nearest thing to hand – a jug of water – at the pair of them. The jug missed its target and landed in the roiling deep fryer, which exploded and set the kitchen on fire. They didn’t know the health inspector was due to arrive the next morning, but in any case, his visit was a moot point.
In yet another parallel universe, the health inspector decided to arrive two weeks early and was hit by the 7.05 express as he attempted to cross the train tracks. This was because the pedestrian walkway hadn’t opened yet.
29 In Brugel banks are open on Mondays from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., Tuesdays from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., Thursdays and Fridays from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Closed Wednesdays and weekends.
As an interesting side note to history, Brugel’s Prime Minister vetoed Euros after he saw the first pressing of Brugel’s 20-cent Euro coin featuring a banker in a hammock. The coins were withdrawn from circulation, but are available for bids over US$20 on eBay. Bidders should contact user profile pmforli
feme for more details.
Chapter Seven
The contents of the box gleamed in the afternoon sunlight shining through the front windows. Gold rings. Bracelets. Fine threads of necklaces studded with diamonds. Brooches. Earrings with drop pearls. A tiara with red gems that might have been rubies – Ondine couldn’t tell. Not a tangled mess, as you might expect, but all sorted and segmented into neat little compartments. Underneath the tray of gleaming jewellery they found wads of banknotes, stamped with faces and places on them, which Ondine didn’t recognise. They must have been made before the currency changed.30
‘Do pirates come this far inland?’ Cybelle held up a necklace with a delicate anchor-shaped charm at the clasp. The anchor spun back and forth, catching the light. Strange that the main feature of the necklace should be at the back, until Ondine realised it was designed to be worn with your hair up.
Marguerite stepped closer to admire the booty. ‘Do we invoke the international treaty of “finders keepers”?’
Unable to stop herself, Ondine reached forwards and picked up a couple of elegant necklaces. One looked as delicate and complicated as a crocheted doily, if you could make a doily from spun silver then BeDazzle31 it with diamonds.
Ma sounded out of breath. ‘Let’s just think about this for a minute. Think about where all of this may have come from.’
Ondine could have sworn she saw a gob of spittle dart from her mother’s mouth, as if she were salivating over their new-found riches. Nobody else took any notice of her – they were all too busy making strange ‘ooh’ noises and admiring piece after piece.
‘Let’s move it to the back room for the moment, so we can keep working on the clean-up,’ Ma said at last.
‘Er, no, my love, I think this means work stops for the day,’ Da said, rubbing his hand over his chin in thought.
‘Have ye all lawst yer minds?’ Shambles said, climbing Ondine’s shoulder. ‘There’s a halth inspecta coming.’
Ondine shook her head to try and grab hold of her senses again. ‘Um, everyone, Shambles just made a good point: we need to hide the loot from the health inspector.’ She too found herself caught in the web of admiration. The next object she picked up was a simple bracelet made from braided gold. She couldn’t help testing the latch to see if it would fit around her wrist.
Ondine Page 6
