As Kadi tore the door open, Willa ran into her arms. Kadi thrust the girl behind her and came right up to Rimon. Her presence seemed to flicker from the physical to the nageric as the fluctuations inside him grew wilder—but he sensed no Gen fear now, only concern, covered with—
No! No, there was fear. Deep under the surface calm. Rimon could sense the core of fear, bright and hard and beckoning. He had no will to resist. It would slake the pain, the constant torment that had been nagging at him for months.
He stalked the retreating source of selyn, hyperconscious, wild with need and ready to kill. It backed away from him, toward the other source of selyn—but that first one had become dull beside the one he sought.
He could feel the swirling emotions in the Gen. He was zlinning deeper than ever before, through the calm to the barely controlled panic underneath. He recognized the protectiveness now—not of him, but of the second life within the primary field.
Something made him want to stop and think at that. Second life? But just then another Sime in need moved toward him. He turned his head, feeling a growl rise in his throat, warning off the threat to his prey. Then he reached toward the source of selyn, tentacles extending—to find the calm back in the field.
Conflicting tensions tore him—he wanted to take that throbbing field, pulsing in rhythm with his own, so clearly marked as his—and at the same time he wanted to let his need be quelled by the promise of sweet fulfillment. As he hesitated, he felt hope flare in that welcoming field—hope, relief—
He dropped to duoconsciousness and saw Kadi before him, calm on the surface, murmuring, “Come on, Rimon—you can do it!” She was controlling him again!
“Hypocrite!” he spat, zlinning through that shell of calm to the panic beneath, deliciously roused by his word. He took another menacing step toward her, deliberately toying with her as prey to be terrified before the kill.
The inviting field before him froze, shifted, and rang with denial. She would refuse him. The threat of shen lanced through his hypertense nerves, and with a snarl of pure Sime anger he lunged for her, driven to strip away her selyn against the potent pain/pleasure of her resistance. The best kill ever!
Willa sprang between them, pushing at Rimon, shouting, “No, Rimon!” The words were slurred, but intelligible. “No—no!”
With a negligent flick of one hand he thrust her aside, focusing wholly on Kadi. But Willa bounced back between them, insisting, “No! No! No!”
His hands came to her forearms to thrust her away, but Willa’s automatic response was to grasp his arms in return, her fingers right over his lateral transport nerves but grasping hard, trying to push him back. With that searing pain, Rimon gave one scream and fell into blackness.
He came to in that same state of paralysis he had been in the first time Kadi had given him transfer. He felt her hands moving gently over his tentacle sheaths, assessing the damage and at the same time easing his pain. As he tried to move, his awareness spread to Willa, kneeling beside Kadi in the same kind of concern, to Del, his concern obscured by his need and worry over Carlana, watching them, zlinning to be sure Rimon was alive, then edging purposefully past them.
Then Kadi’s fingers pressed gently on Rimon’s lateral extensor nerves. The delicate tentacles emerged on a wave of pain, releasing Rimon’s paralysis as he sat bolt upright, crying out.
Relief flooded Kadi’s field when he moved. Even though he had to clutch at his arms, his teeth grinding together to keep from moaning, it penetrated his misery that she had been afraid he was dead.
Kadi held out her hands to him, now nothing but sincerity in her field. “Take transfer, Rimon, if you must—”
“No!” he gasped. “No. The baby—” He doubled over again, shivering uncontrollably.
She recognized the problem. “Let me balance your fields.”
“Yesss,” he agreed, but couldn’t pull his arms apart to reach for her.
As Kadi tried to take his hands, he realized why he dared not touch her. “No,” he said raggedly. “Can’t do it, Kadi. Want you too much.”
“Let me give you transfer, then,” she said. She had given up the protectiveness of the child within her in her fear for Rimon’s life and sanity. She was making him need her, and he wanted to take her so badly.
He was drifting from duoconsciousness to hyperconsciousness and back. “No control,” he gasped, staggering to his feet to escape Kadi. “Dying for you.” He sank to his knees, feeling the fluctuations growing stronger, moving toward convulsions.
Kadi moved after him, not understanding. “Then take me, Rimon. I can’t let you die.”
“Kadi—no—the baby—”
Willa suddenly came to Rimon’s rescue, pulling Kadi’s hands away from Rimon’s. “Willa,” she announced, holding out her hands to him. And he felt in her field a reflection of Kadi’s need to give.
But Kadi’s field, her yearning, outshone Willa’s, drawing him against all the control he could muster. He was fixed on her. “Kadi, stop—please. Please.” Don’t do this to me, Kadi!
But it was his choice. Need compelled him, yet if he could just let Kadi balance his fields, he could control the need.
No—he wouldn’t be able to resist. He felt his tentacles reaching toward Kadi, even as he shook his head in denial. Kadi quelled her yearning to respond, and somehow, Rimon was able to drag his attention away from her, toward Willa. As he turned to the girl, he felt one momentary pang of jealousy from Kadi—and then she was so firm in her conviction that he could almost read her thought. Not what we want. What is right.
He dragged his gaze from Kadi’s and grasped Willa. It was over in seconds. As Rimon withdrew his lips from Willa’s, he began to cry in dry, heaving sobs. The girl put her arms around him, patting his back. “Good girl, Rimon” she said.
The relief in Kadi’s laughter was almost hysterical as she said, “No, Willa—you are a good girl. Rimon is a man.”
It had happened so fast that Del was just whisking the drugged Gen into Carlana’s room. Willa turned curiously at the sound of the closing door, but Kadi held her. “Willa, come,” she said, getting to her feet. “Make tea.”
“Tea,” said Willa, looking over her shoulder at the bedroom door.
Kadi turned to Rimon. “You did the right thing,” she told him. “Oh, Rimon, everything’s going to be fine now.” She released the girl to hold Rimon. “And Willa—” She tensed. “Willa, no! Come here.”
Rimon saw Willa edging toward the bedroom door. With a flicker of augmentation, he was at her side, pulling her back. The girl resisted stubbornly. Kadi met Rimon halfway, but even with two Gens supporting him, he felt the shock of Carlana’s kill. When it was over, he wilted with exhaustion and stumbled to the couch. Willa pulled a blanket over Rimon, patting it into place, and said, “Willa make tea.”
Rimon gathered himself and stared at her.
“Yes,” said Kadi, “she’s started talking, and we didn’t even notice.”
Rimon began to laugh—laughing because it had all become too painful to cry about. Willa was already heading for the kettle as the bedroom door opened. Kadi signaled Del to wait, and quickly bundled Willa up and shoved her feet into boots.
“Go out and bring the children in, Willa. Bring the children, then make tea.” She gave the girl a hug. “Oh, Willa, this should be your celebration. We’ll have a party for you tomorrow. Now go get Owen and Jana. They’ll be cold, so you make tea for them. All right?”
Willa pulled the door open. “Then make tea,” she repeated.
“Right,” said Kadi. “Good girl, Willa.” She shut the door and went back to Rimon. “Come on, Rimon,” she said, trying to get him to sit up. “Let’s go up to the loft where we’ll be out of the way of the children.”
But he knew what she wanted him out of the way of. Del came out of the bedroom, carrying a still form wrapped in a blanket. Rimon followed him with his eyes until the. storeroom door dosed behind him. He continued to sit on the couch and stare listl
essly at the closed door.
Willa came back with the children and Del came to help. The aroma of trin and toasted bread filled the room, and there were the sounds of the family at the table, Del’s low murmur hushing the children so that Carlana and Rimon could rest.
And then Willa’s blurred but recognizable words: “No, no, Jana!”
Del said, “Jana, don’t take Willa’s—” He broke off and added hoarsely, “—oh—my—God!”
Rimon sat up, staring in the direction of the table. Kadi knelt beside him. “Don’t worry, Rimon—Del wouldn’t– Willa’s all right.”
“Del—” He looked at Kadi then, and forced himself to look away from her, to the group around the table.
Del was staring at Willa as she traded little pieces of honeyed toast with Jana and Owen, getting the sticky honey all over the table and their clothing. Del’s face was pale. As they watched, he turned to meet their eyes.
Rimon looked up at Del, and said, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know it would happen like that. Please believe me, Del, when I asked you to come along out here—I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“None of us did. How could we?”
“It’s all my fault! Everyone I touch—you, and Billy, Carlana, Abel, Drust, Vee—but most of all you, Kadi. Oh, why do I have to love you so? It’s going to kill you!” Del didn’t understand Rimon’s outburst. , Rimon just shook his head, his eyes locked with Del’s. “Willa can talk—just like Billy.” Del came over to Rimon, nodding, and Rimon continued. “Every time, Del—every single time you zlin a Pen Gen you’ll be zlinning Billy. How many more times can you do it, Del?” Del just shook his head.
“So I’ve killed you, too. And Carlana—she doesn’t know Willa can talk yet, but what will she—and Fort Freedom—make of that? And you, Kadi—I’ve killed you—because I couldn’t learn control and when you die, I can’t live.”
“Rimon, you’ve just proved you can take selyn from any Gen, use any Gen as you use me. So I’m going to live, and so is the baby.”
He said bitterly, “You’re still a child! I never gave you a chance to grow up—before we made love—oh, Kadi, that was so wrong. Dad always waited a year before breeding a female Gen—”
“I am not one of your father’s breeding Gens!”
“No! Oh, no, you’re not that—but physically, Kadi, you weren’t ready. I forced myself on you—and then didn’t even watch for your fertility. Every time we had transfer, I lost control completely—like an animal in rut!” His eyes flashed to Del. “That’s not normal any more than complete impotence is! Is that the kind of life you want, Del?”
“Rimon!” Kadi interrupted. “Don’t say such things! You’ll feel differently as soon as we can have transfer.”
“We won’t,” be said desperately. “I see it now—oh, I see it all now. Why didn’t he tell me? Why? Because you’re just a Gen?”
“Who?” asked Del.
“Dad,” said Rimon. “Zlin her,” he said with a commanding gesture of one tentacle. “Zlin how the baby is draining her.” He turned to Kadi, infinitely relieved to say it aloud. “I’ve killed you as surely as if I’d drained away your selyn that day at the border. My child is draining you—oh, why didn’t I think? Farris men kill their women. My mother died giving birth to me. Zeth’s mother died at his birth– you remember, that’s why he came to live with us after Uncle Ryin died. Grandpa died when I was seven—but where was Grandma? She must have died at Ryin’s birth.”
“You don’t know that, Rimon.”
“Why don’t they remarry? Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Ryin– none of them ever took a second wife. Why? Farrises are rich—I’ve even been told we’re attractive to women.”
“You are,” Kadi said. “You’re also faithful.”
“No. I see it now. Carrying a Farris baby drains a woman—the way you’re being drained, Kadi. They couldn’t watch that happen more than once—so they didn’t remarry.”
“Maybe,” said Kadi, “Farris men are really meant to marry Gens who can manufacture enough selyn to bear their children. Didn’t you say my selyn production is going up as the baby drains it away? How can you be sure I won’t be able to match the baby’s drain—after all, I’ve matched your demand, and you’re no baby.” She moved over to hug him close. “Don’t you know by now, Rimon Farris. that we were made for each other?”
Chapter Fifteen
HORNET’S NEST
It was three days before Rimon and Kadi could leave Del’s home. By then Carlana was up and around, physically healed but still emotionally unsettled. Despite his approaching need, Rimon felt more stable now than he ever had before. Willa watched him, but didn’t remain glued to his side.
To the children’s delight, Willa’s vocabulary increased rapidly. Soon she had garnered enough words to ask Kadi, “Why Carlana hurt?”
“She doesn’t hurt anymore, Willa. She’s going to be fine.”
“No, no. In there.” She pointed to the bedroom. “Why?” She rubbed her abdomen. “Why hurt?”
“She lost her baby, Willa.”
“Baby?” Willa looked over at Jana with a puzzled frown. Clearly, she could make no connection between what she had seen Carlana go through and the little girl who had been used to teach her the word “baby.”
Kadi tried, with words and gestures, to explain that babies grew inside their mothers. When she had Willa thoroughly confused, Carlana came to her rescue with a few well-chosen words. Afterwards, though, Kadi had to hold Carlana for nearly half an hour while the older woman cried helplessly. It was after Kadi left Carlana napping that Rimon realized he had felt sympathy, not jealousy, at the touch of another Sime on Kadi.
A few days after they got home, Rimon took transfer from Willa again, using her to balance his fields afterwards. He knew it bothered Kadi, not to help him at all, so as soon as he had thanked Willa and sent her to make tea, he put his arms around Kadi and said, “You know Willa can’t satisfy me the way you can, Kadi. Even though she’s improving, look how short my cycle is—and it will be shorter still, because I’m taking her before she reaches full capacity each month.”
“You’ll have to have another Gen. You’ll be able to alternate them,” she said bleakly.
“No, I’ll have to get along with only Willa until the tax collector finds his way through the snow. Then—you’re right. I’ll have to claim another Gen, and hope to find a way to pay the tax on her by the end of the next quarter.”
“On him,” insisted Kadi desolately. “Now that Willa is thinking and talking,” she went on, “I think she can handle herself. We can watch them—there’s certainly no privacy here as long as it’s too cold to be outdoors!”
“Spring will come—and I don’t think Willa understands much about sex. We treat her like a child, but a male Gen from the Pens” wouldn’t.”
“All the more reason to get one now. Rimon—don’t you realize that Willa is in love with you already?”
“You’re not serious!” Is that what’s bothering her?
“Right now it’s a brotherly sort of thing, but if she doesn’t have someone else to be attracted to when she’s ready for romantic love, she’s going to be badly hurt when you can’t respond.”
“But she’s still just a child. I think you’re blinded by your own lovely madness. Of course, I’m delighted that, you’re in love with me, but that shouldn’t make you think that other women would be!”
Two weeks later, however, they found that Kadi was at least partly right. They went over to Fort Freedom, where Willa’s progress was shaking the foundations of many people’s faith. As she learned and understood more, Willa’s nager was assuming the characteristics that Abel Veritt had for twenty years associated with the “soul.” This revelation increased the determination at Fort Freedom to learn not to kill—but the result was only more and more gaunt and haggard people suffering guilt after every kill.
That afternoon, Rimon and Jord were to teach the changeover class in the chapel while Kadi and Willa visit
ed with Abel Veritt and his wife. When Rimon and Jord got up to leave for their class, Abel said, quietly, “Something has happened to you, Rimon.”
Kadi said, “You’re right, Abel. Rimon—you know those angry outbursts have stopped altogether. I hope they’re gone forever!”
“I do, too,” Rimon replied. “I—I think they are.”
“It looks to me,” said Abel, “as if you’ve passed a crisis —a period of adjustment. Perhaps the Sime system has to adapt to not killing. As others learn, we’ll be aware of such symptoms, and help each other through that period.”
“Abel, after all the disappointments, you sound more confident than ever that you’ll learn not to kill.”
“I have sworn it,” the older man replied serenely. “This I know. God guided me to build this community, even though I misinterpreted some of His intentions. I’m not going to fall into the trap of trying to interpret the rest of His plan, but one thing I do know is that He will not let me be forsworn.”
As he and Jord worked with the children in the chapel, Rimon blotted everything else out of awareness. Since the chapel was stone, it provided fairly good insulation, so he did not pick up the blazon of anger from outside until the door opened and Abel entered with his wife, Kadi, and Willa. Rimon and Jord both leaped up as the ambient nager struck them, but Veritt was closing the door, instructing, “Margid, you take care of the children—and keep Kadi and Willa safe. I don’t think anyone will desecrate the chapel.”
It was the first time Rimon had heard Mrs. Veritt’s first name. His attention, however, was on the commotion outside. Peering through one of the narrow windows, he saw the crowd of dissenters who had walked out of the Year’s Turning ceremony, led by Dan Whelan and Sara Fenell.
As Veritt went out to face the dissenters, Rimon watched Kadi, Willa, and Mrs. Veritt gather the children and take them out the back way. Then he and Jord looked at one another, and without a word went out to stand on either side of Abel’. Thus Rimon couldn’t do anything when Kadi and Willa returned to the chapel.
“When I taught that the Pen-Grown Gens had no souls.”
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