by Sean Donner
Unlucky
Sean Donner
Copyright 2012 by Sean Donner
In memory of Katherine Grant
You taught us the importance of books.
We loved you more than words can say
But you loved us even more than that.
Because you were everything we needed
Exactly when we needed it
I dedicate this to you.
You are our Gramma.
Introduction
An “Er-h’r’m” of Sorts
First thing’s first: Despite the seemingly dramatized nature of the literary adventure you are about to embark upon, “Unlucky” is based on actual events. You don’t make this kind of genius up. There was a poster. There was a boy named Sean Donner. There was a locker.
Sometime during my senior year at Waseca High School in the small Minnesota town of Waseca, a poster of one Britney Spears went missing from above my locker. I found it on the floor the day before it disappeared and taped it to the wall above my locker. This is about where fact stops and fiction takes over. Although many names have remained true to life, the actions and words of their characters in most cases are entirely fictional.
For a Creative Writing class that same year, I wrote a very short story also entitled “Unlucky”. I was even worse at writing then than I am now and so I decided to re-write the story and in so doing have added many more details, suspects and hilarity. You see, I used to not be nearly as funny as I am now, I think.
At any rate “Unlucky” is to be enjoyed by all people young and old at face value. There are no underlying messages or intentional disrespect to any celebrities mentioned herein. “In factually” the butt of every joke in the following story is teenagers and all the “important” things that happen during our high school years.
So sit back and enjoy this gift I have made available for you to pay me for!
Thanks for buying it by the way…
S.B.D.
It would be a morning just like any other; nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Just like every morning that came before, Sean was walking to his locker. The halls were crowded and he could hear bits of every conversation he passed. His schoolmates were sharing important stories from the night before, gossip about who had broken up with whom and who had hooked up with whom to get back at what’s his face for being such a douche. It all seemed unremarkable and forgettable, and that it was.
As he neared his locker, Sean spotted something truly remarkable; a Britney Spears poster lay forsaken on the floor. It wasn’t of high quality nor was it very large, but it was beautiful in its own way. His dark brown eyes widened and sparkled as he stared at the abandoned poster. Sean had been a Britney Spears fan since day one and seeing this poster forgotten on the floor filled his young heart with both sorrow and excitement; sorrow that someone had treated it so shamefully and excitement that he had found such a great treasure. It was a confusing time.
So, he picked up the poster and carried it the rest of the way to his locker. Sean no longer heard the pointless stories of sleaze and infidelity; not even when they were about him. His mind was racked with the question of where his poster would be displayed. Upon arriving at his locker, he spied the perfect place in the wall between his locker and the ceiling. He decided that it would be best to carry his very non-athletic yet somehow all-American looking body on top of his locker and tape his newest obsession to the wall.
Finishing his work, Sean looked down the hallway and saw the assistant principle, Mr. Dahline walking towards him. “Aw Snap!” Sean shouted as he quickly jumped off the locker. It was against the rules to climb on the lockers and Sean liked to appear to be an upstanding citizen of the school.
“That’s just perfect.” Sean stated as Mr. Dahline walked by, “I’d do anything to make sure this poster stays here.”
“Would you even go on an adventure through the stinky bog?” Reid questioned.
Sean immediately stopped what he was doing, “What do you mean? You’re not planning on stealing my poster are you?” He paused and watched Reid closely as Reid struggled for something to say. When it was clear that Reid didn’t have the words, Sean went on, “That’s all the way on the other side of the school in the Agriculture wing. Why would it end up there?”
“Well, someone might take it. I mean, it is a poster of Britney Spears.” Collecting his thoughts Reid paused, “Umm… oh yeah. You never know, some farm kid might take it.”
“Yeah, I guess. It seems really weird that you’d say that though. I hope for your sake that you don’t steal this poster. You remember how mad I was when you stole my Christina Aguilera poster; I put peanut butter in the door handles on your car, I completely colored your windshield in with green window paint, and lit a screeching fireworks bomb outside your house every night for a week. If you steal this poster, I’ll be even madder!” With that Sean closed his locker and went to class.
Before lunch, Sean went to meet up with his friend Marcus. Walking through the halls of the high school was always an adventure. Between the new couples making out, the old couples breaking up, people talking about who’s dating whom and asking, “What does she see in him?” the high school hallway experience would lead anyone who doesn’t belong there to the brink of insanity, if not passed it. Today was no different and on top of all of that, Sean was worried about the safety and security of his Britney Spears poster. He also wondered why tons of people weren’t giving him compliments about his poster. If he would be honest with himself, this lack of attention hurt his feelings, but he didn’t let on and down the hall he went.
“Hey Sean,” Marcus shouted down the hall “I saw the poster, that thing is really kosher!”
By this time Sean was standing next to Marcus. “Kosher?” Sean asked, “Why kosher? What made you come up with that word?”
“Some lady at “Yellow Mushroom” said it to us last night” Marcus explained, “and I think it’s hilarious.”
Satisfied with Marcus’ explanation of the word kosher, Sean turned to Reid. “So Reid, you’re not planning on stealing my poster, are you?”
“No!” Reid screamed, “If I was going to steal it, why would I tell you about it?”
“Snap!” Sean said jokingly, “You don’t have to get so ‘huffy’.” Sean liked using words like “huffy”, he was pretty sure it kept people on edge and wondering what gem of a word he’d pull out next, but in reality no one ever noticed. “I was only joking” Sean continued, “Anyway, I’m late for lunch and if I’m late for lunch I’m late for every class after lunch, and the Moon told me that if I’m late for Creative Writing one more time this week he’s going to knock five points off my next assignment.”
“That doesn’t actually sound that bad” Marcus pointed out.
“You’re right” Sean answered, “It sounded a lot more threatening when he said it. What’s for lunch anyway?”
“Macaroni and Cheese.”
Sean hated Macaroni and Cheese and said, “Man, I hate Macaroni and Cheese!”
“I know you do” Marcus replied. Marcus, however, didn’t think the school’s Macaroni and Cheese was all that bad. In fact, he kind of liked it. Then he said, “I think there’s rectangle pizza today, too.”
“Really?” Sean said hardly daring to believe it.
“Yeah” Reid said, “I saw Felipe with a piece.”
“Rad, That’s the best kind of pizza they have” Sean put on a strange expression that said, “I’m going to go now” but without so many words, motioned backward with his head and ran towards the cafeteria.
Lunch was spectacular. Reid had told the truth about the rectangle pizza and the lunch lady did not disappoint. Sean ate his rectangle of greasy, cheesy, three pepperonied deliciousness, on a soft, thin crust with a feeling of tranquility tha
t only the wisest of the Buddhist monks would know.
He sat with a few friends, but never once looked up from his food or said anything. He wasn’t a jerk or even being rude on purpose; it’s just that there was nothing the school offered for lunch that Sean loved more than rectangle pizza.
When Sean finally looked up from his food, the cafeteria was empty. “Ah snap!” Sean said as he shot up from his seat and headed to his locker to get his things for Creative Writing. He was going to be late and that meant loosing five points on the next assignment he turned in. “Well,” he thought “it could be worse. At least I have my Britney Spears poster.”
With this thought of the poster, Sean remembered the threat that was Reid. He thought about the dilemma he found himself in, “I’m going to have to put an alarm on that poster so Reid can’t steal it; but how do you put an alarm on a poster?” His thoughts raced. “If only I had a wire to slap on the back of the poster and the other end to an alarm in my locker. That would be so rad!”
It wasn’t a long walk from the cafeteria to his locker, but Sean had a very short attention span, and so his mind bounced about from one topic to another. He thought again about the pizza he
