by Gary McMahon
Then she noticed that most of the furniture was gone.
“I’m sorry, honey. They took it all.” Her mother’s voice was muffled, as if she were afraid to make herself properly heard. “All of it.”
Hailey remained where she was, standing in the doorway. “Did they take the TV? My TV?” She clenched her hands, making little fists, and began to press them into the flesh of her thighs. Her stomach churned, the innards rolling like an internal tide, back and forth, in and out, stirring along with her mood.
“Yes. I’m sorry. They took anything they could sell. I didn’t have the money. I couldn’t get it. I tried.” She removed her hands from her face and looked up. Her cheeks were pale against the red rawness of her throat, and her eyes were dark. “I really did try. I even rang around a few old friends of your father’s, turned on the sob story… but the fuckers didn’t even want to know.” She stood, sliding her spine up the wall as she straightened her legs. “Not one of those sorry bastards would even offer us a few quid, just to keep the wolf from the door.” She smiled, but it was not a pretty sight. It looked more like she was baring her teeth, trying to snarl like an animal. “And that’s what they are: wolves. Or maybe sharks.” She smiled again, and Hailey looked down at the tops of her shabby trainers.
“It’s okay, Mum. We’ll survive. It’s just stuff… belongings. We can replace them.” She didn’t mean what she said, but she knew it would comfort her mother. Hailey felt nothing, she was beyond feelings. Whatever had happened to her at the Needle had exacerbated a transformation that was already well under way. Gradually, over the past few months, she had been shedding the capacity to empathise, to experience emotions in the way she saw others do. It felt like she was removing herself from the society in which she was trapped. Like a snake, she was shucking off her skin, layer by layer, to reveal a new being beneath.
Quite where these thoughts had come from, she was unsure. They were brand new, alien. She had never before even considered notions like these, and it was terrifying and enlightening. Somewhere deep within Hailey, it appeared that there was the potential to be someone else, to become something new. Whenever she focused on her own mind, picturing what might be hiding there, she heard the distant buzzing of hummingbirds’ wings and smelled dust and rot and the essence of memory.
She saw things behind her eyes when she closed them, late at night when she was chasing sleep. Strange things, dead things: hideous yet beautiful things that shouldn’t be there, not in this world. She knew they were dead because they were twisted, decayed, and they did not move. Not, at least, until she saw them. And then they moved slowly and gracefully, as if underwater, and they turned their shadowed eyes upon her… seeing her, marking her out, noting her as one of them.
That was when their true beauty dawned upon her, and she realised that instead of horror these things promised freedom; they offered salvation, but only if she were brave enough to reach out and take it. That was what her transformation – this unbecoming of the self – was all about. Hailey might be ‘educationally slow’, as her teachers put it, she could even be emotionally underdeveloped, but she was bright enough to know that something was trying to reach her, to communicate with her. She also knew that whatever it was, this being, this presence, its source was the Concrete Grove.
For the first time since moving to the area, Hailey began to feel like she might, in fact, have come home.
“Don’t cry, Mum. We’ll be strong together.”
Her mother stepped across the carpet; her bare feet were soft and silent on the thin weave. She fell into Hailey’s arms.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry.” Roles had reversed. Hailey now felt like the parent, the protector. She was not quite sure how this had happened, or when it had begun, but her definition of reality had shifted to accommodate the changes going on inside her. She held her mother close, stroking her sweaty hair, and kissed her cold, pale cheek. “We can get through this. I love you.” The words tasted sweet, like all lies, and she repeated them out of greed rather than affection. “I love you, Mum.”
Her mother’s body went slack against her, the tension leaving her limbs and the looseness of relief taking its place. Hailey didn’t know how she sensed these things, but it made her feel strong, and more intelligent than ever before.
Was this part of the change? Was it making her brain expand, filling it with new knowledge? She smiled. “There, there,” she whispered. “Nobody’s going to hurt us.”
Later, when they parted, they tidied the flat, brushing up the broken ornaments and toys, putting away the things the men had thrown down onto the floor. They changed the bedding and washed the kitchen work surfaces. Hailey watched her mother carefully, noting the changes in her – just as she had mentally absorbed the ones occurring to her own inner being.
It felt like the end of something… and the beginning of something else.
“Come here,” she said, when the cleaning was done. “I have something to show you. You need to feel it, though.”
“What is it? You seem different… what have you done?” Her mother stepped closer, one hand reaching out to hang in the air between them.
“I’ve done nothing, Mum. Honest. But I am different, and so are you. We both are. There’s something here, in the Grove, and it wants to help us. It’s taken me a long time to figure this out, but whatever’s here, in this place, it can help solve our problems.”
Her mother shook her head. Her eyes shone in the lamplight. “No, honey. You’re imagining things. I know everything’s bad right now, but I promise I can make it better. I have… I have an idea. A plan. I just need to work things out in my head before I do anything.”
“Look, Mum. Can you see?” Hailey raised her shirt, pulling it up over her now swollen belly. More changes had taken place in the last couple of hours, and the pain was gone. Now, in the dimness, she felt radiant, as if she were supplying all the light they needed.
“Hailey… oh, my God. Hailey, what is this?” Her mother’s hands flapped towards her face, like larger pink versions of those hummingbirds, whose wings Hailey could even now hear inside her head. “What is this?”
“It’s help,” said Hailey, bowing her head to take in the sight. Her belly was swelling even now, as they watched. It looked like a balloon being slowly pumped full of air. She stared at the skin in wonderment as it rose and bulged, pushing forward and straining at the waistband of her cheap school skirt. The skin was taut and translucent, like a stretched rubber sheet. There was something inside, and it danced with the rhythm of her blood. A shape pulsed against the whitening flesh of her stomach, not trying to get out but simply making itself known, saying hello to the women it had sensed on the other side of the flimsy sheet.
“Hailey, this isn’t right! It’s not normal! Are you pregnant?”
Hailey giggled. “Pregnant? No, not really. That’s not what I’d call it.”
Her mother began to make a sound, low in the throat, which was something half way between sobbing and laughter. “But what…” She could not finish her thought. Her eyes had gone shiny, clear, as if she were seeing something clearly for the first time in her life.
“I’m not pregnant exactly, but I am carrying something. It isn’t a new life, it’s an old one. Ancient. The seed of a place that I think can only be reached through pain and heartbreak; a place where the corpses of dead dreams are stored.” Hailey heard the words coming from her lips, but she knew they were not her own. The thing inside her, the being that was writhing and coiling and thriving within her womb, was speaking through her, using her thoughts to commune with the other side of the flesh barrier.
“They are the Slitten. And they can help us. But only if we ask them to.”
Her mother was down on her knees and cupping the air in front of Hailey’s distended stomach. “If we ask?”
Hailey nodded, but she was not sure. Nothing was certain. “I think so.” At last she had her words back; the Slitten had returned her voice. “That’s what they t
old me, from inside here.” She flicked her belly with her forefinger. It made a sound like a tom-tom drum.
“No,” said her mother, standing now and shaking her head. “This is crazy. It isn’t real.” She turned away, flexing her fingers and stamping her feet, powerless to express her anger and frustration. “It’s fucking stupid.”
Darkness bled back into the room, filling the corners and shading the walls. The lamps seemed weaker than before, as if some of their power had been leeched away. The brightness Hailey had felt previously now dimmed, faded, went out. Her belly deflated quickly, flattening against its occupant. She looked down, still holding the hem of her shirt.
“See? We were hallucinating.” Her mother stood across the other side of the room, near the kitchen. She was lost in shadow, her dark form blurring at the edges. Only her eyes shone. “It’s the stress. We’re both tired… exhausted, really. We need to sleep and stop talking like this.” She did not move. Her outline bled away, as if unseen hands tore at her, picking her apart.
Hailey tucked her shirt into the waistband of her skirt. Her hands were shaking.
“Go to bed,” said her mother, opening the fridge. Light flared, spilling across the floor. She took out a wine bottle, slamming it down onto the bench. “Go to bed, now.”
Hailey turned away, the palm of one hand held against her flat, flat stomach. She was crying, but she dared not make a sound.
She retired to her bed without any more fuss, keeping her movements slow and easy to avoid any kind of disturbance.
The Slitten needed their rest, too.
CHAPTER EIGHT
TOM WOKE IN darkness. He knew that he’d been disturbed, but he was unsure what might have caused it. Perhaps Helen had shouted, or the telephone had rung, stirring him from restless slumber. He waited for the sound to come again, and when it failed to appear he wondered if his own conflicted thoughts had roused him, his fears tumbling like performing clowns around his skull as he slept.
He sat up and looked around the room. Nothing had changed; it remained as always. He didn’t know why he’d expected any difference, and the thought confused him, making him doubt that he was fully awake. He slipped out of bed and went to the window, opened the curtains a few inches. The street was quiet and empty; not even a single car moved along its length. A slight breeze stirred the privet hedges along the garden fronts; litter prowled the edges of the gutter outside the house opposite.
Tom turned away from the window and went out onto the landing. Shadows pooled in the corners, like dark water. Yellow light, refracted from the streetlamps through the landing window, hung in the air like an incandescent fog. He walked along the landing, passing the open door to the upstairs bathroom. From the corner of his eye he spotted something, but when he spun around to look at it directly there was nothing there. He could have sworn that there was a man – or at least a man-shaped shadow – sitting on the edge of the bath with his hands held up to his face. But, no: more tricks of his tired mind, his aching eyes.
He walked slowly down the stairs, being careful not to make a noise. Helen slept well, but she was easily disturbed. Her ears, even as she rested, were attuned to even the subtlest of movements within the house. He turned at the bottom of the stairs and headed for the kitchen. Then he stopped. Backtracking, he turned again and went to Helen’s room. Her door was ajar – she always demanded that he leave it that way. She was too afraid to have it fully closed yet nervous enough that she would not rest if it was wide to the wall. She wanted to be able to hear him as he wandered about the house. She said his movements comforted her.
He played his fingers along the doorframe, and then traced a line across the middle of the door, grasping the handle. He pushed gently and stepped inside. His bare feet sank into the carpet – this was the only room where they’d spent a bit of money, because Helen was always in there, never leaving, even to use the toilet.
She was a huge mound on the bed, her bulk only partially covered by the heavy winter quilt she insisted upon using whatever the season. He often wondered how someone so fat could always be so cold. Then, ashamed and saddened, he would try to forget that he’d ever thought about her in that way.
She was his wife, and he loved her. At least he used to love her, before she became like this. He did, he loved her, with all of his heart. But he also hated her, and wished that she would die.
Gritting his teeth against these familiar thoughts, Tom approached the bed. Helen was snoring lightly, the air wheezing through her nose. Her lips shone in the darkness, coated with drool. Her hair – never styled these days, rarely even washed unless he did it for her – lay like rat tails on the pillow. She was flat on her back, with one arm raised above her head, as if grasping for the headboard.
A sea cow – a manatee: that was how he often pictured her. He’d watched a documentary a few years ago about the creatures, and the image had seemed appropriate. His sea cow wife: all fat and lazy and defeated.
“Helen,” he whispered. “I think I love you. I do still love you. I don’t know what I feel.” He often did this, late at night or into the early hours, when sleep was his enemy and he felt as restless as a thief. He came down here, to her sick room, and he spoke to her in low tones, telling her how he felt or how he thought he felt, sometimes even how he knew he was supposed to feel but didn’t, couldn’t, or just wouldn’t.
“You make my life a living hell, but I’m glad that I’m here for you, to take care of you. Yet I wish… I wish you would pass away quietly in your sleep.” He leaned in close as he spoke, his lips mere inches from her slack, flabby cheek. “I do. I wish you would just go away.” He closed his eyes. “When I open them again will you be gone?”
No, she was still there, on the bed, snoring and sweating and filling his life with regrets. His very own pet sea cow.
Tom did not even realise that he had raised his hand, curled it into a fist. He looked to his left, staring at the fist as it hovered in the air. He thought about bringing it down, as hard as he could, and repeatedly smashing her in the face. The distance between thought and action narrowed; it would be so easy to beat her to death.
“But messy,” he said. “Far too messy.”
He grabbed the other pillow, from the side of the bed where her head was not resting. He held it in both hands, feeling its soft weight, and scrunching it into a shapeless wad of material. He moved the pillow down, close to her face. There was an inch between pillow and skin; a tiny fraction that she filled with her stinking breath.
He could kill her in minutes. It would not be easy – he’d read somewhere that it was difficult to suffocate someone, that it took longer than you might think – but it would be clean and almost merciful. She would wake in confusion, gasping for air, and by the time she knew what was happening she would be on her way down, into the darkness.
Yes, he could do it. It was feasible that he could murder his wife. Especially if he continued to think of her as an animal, a wounded sea cow…
He replaced the pillow on the bed, turned stiffly away, his bare feet shuffling across the carpet.
No. he couldn’t do it; of course he couldn’t. He never would.
“Tom?”
He stopped dead, shocked that she was awake. Had she been awake all along, waiting with her eyes closed? Waiting to see what he would do?
“I wouldn’t blame you, Tom. Not really.” Her voice was slurred, as if she were drunk, but she was not talking in her sleep. She was aware; she knew what had been on his mind, and that he had fought against it.
“Go back to sleep,” he said, without turning around. “It’s late.”
“I won’t wake up next time. If you do it, I’ll consider it a mercy.” She was fading again, diving deep, going under. “A mercy…”
Tom stayed where he was, unable to move. He did not start moving again until he heard Helen begin to snore, and even then he moved slowly, carefully, afraid that she might be faking it, giving him an opportunity to go back to the side of the bed a
nd pick up the pillow.
He closed the door behind him. Shut it tight, just the way Helen didn’t like it.
“Mercy,” he whispered, wondering exactly what that was, what it meant. Could mercy be quantified, weighed and measured like sacks of grain? And if so, how much did he have inside him? Not much, he thought. Not nearly enough.
He passed the bottom of the stairs and glanced up the stairwell. There was the suggestion of something having just moved away, sloping across the landing to stand round the corner, near the entrance to his room. He stood there for a few seconds, trying to regain his balance, to get a grip on his sense of reality. Everything was slipping away, becoming fluid, and he felt like he was drawing close to the brink of some kind of mental abyss.
He had never felt so alone.
That woman – Lana – appeared in his mind. Her dark eyes, gypsy-dark hair, beautiful half smile. Why was he so drawn to her that he would think of her now, in his darkest hour? Just what was it about the woman that made her haunt him in this way?
The telephone at the bottom of the stairs began to vibrate. It didn’t ring, not fully: just a gentle thrumming sound, like an electric razor. He moved across the floor, picked up the receiver and placed it against his ear.
“Hello.”
All he heard on the line was a series of electronic ghosts: clicks, hisses, distant connections being made. Then, growing closer, as if it were travelling along the miles of overhead lines and underground cables, he began to make out a sound that reminded him of childhood.
When he was a boy, before the madness of adulthood drew him in, he would ride for miles on his bicycle. He and his friends, adventurers to a man, would set off in the early morning and not return home until well after dark, their prolonged absence causing mayhem in the family home. Sometimes they would take wooden lolly sticks and place them so that they stuck in the rear spokes of the bikes, and when they pedalled the noise was like fingers snapping at a hundred miles an hour, or the fast, harsh music of Spanish castanets.
