by Lucy Clark
‘No.’ Now was not the time to lie to them, to tell them everything would be all right—because it probably wouldn’t. CJ’s heart turned over with sympathy and pain for the new parents and she couldn’t help her eyes misting with tears. She blinked them away and concentrated on her work.
‘Arrange transfer for both Margaret and Joshua to Royal Sydney Children’s Hospital,’ Ethan said. He continued to monitor the baby and Margaret continued not to say anything. CJ could almost feel the guilt radiating from her patient and wished there was something she could do to help.
When it was time to transfer them, Ethan insisted on going with them.
‘I can call in favours, get them the best care,’ he told her.
CJ nodded. ‘Keep me informed,’ she said, watching him climb into the Royal Flying Doctor Service plane.
‘I will,’ he said, then disappeared from her view. She had no idea when he’d be able to return to Pridham, or even if he would. Once he was back in Sydney, perhaps he’d stay for a while. She didn’t know. They hadn’t had time to talk, to discuss things because she’d been busy trying to be independent and solve all her problems by herself.
If she’d just talked to him, been open and honest as she’d always prided herself on being, then perhaps she wouldn’t be faced with so many questions. She headed home to Elizabeth, the house uncommonly quiet once Molly had left. CJ sat in the chair as she nursed her child, tears falling silently down her cheeks as she finally admitted the truth of the situation to herself.
She was in love with Ethan. Hopelessly, one hundred percent in love with him. And now he was gone.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THAT EVENING, by the time he’d handed over Margaret and baby Joshua’s care to his colleagues, some of whom having been there during his own darkest hours, Ethan decided it was better for him to stay the night in Sydney. He took a taxi to St Aloysius Hospital and called CJ to give her an update. She must have been on another call as he ended up getting her voicemail.
‘It’s late, so I’ll stay the night at my apartment in Sydney and will give you an update on the patients in the morning. I’ve asked the hospital to call me should there be any complications tonight, but when I left, things were stable. Joshua still isn’t doing too well but at least they’ve managed to stabilise him, giving Margaret and Doug a bit more time with him. Er...yeah. So that’s about it.’
Once he’d made that call, the next one he made was to Melody. She answered on the third ring.
‘Dr Janeway.’
‘Hello, Dr Janeway, this is the other Dr Janeway.’
‘Ethan. How are things?’
‘A bit crazy.’ He raised his hand and knocked on an office door.
‘Why? Oh, hang on a second,’ Melody said. ‘There’s someone at my door.’ She opened it and nearly screamed with delight when she saw him standing there. He disconnected the call and put his phone back in his pocket as his sister threw her arms around him. ‘What are you doing here?’
Ethan quickly explained the situation and also that he needed the spare set of keys she had to his apartment. Melody instantly took them off her key-ring and handed them to him.
‘How do you feel?’
‘About?’
‘About seeing another baby with FAS. Did it bring back memories of Ellie?’
‘Everything brings back memories of Ellie. Every baby I see, every morning when I get up and feel that something is missing from my life.’ He thought about the past few weeks, when he’d been able to wake in the mornings and hold Elizabeth in his arms. The sense of completion, of healing he’d had from having that little baby close to him had been a therapy he’d never anticipated.
‘What are you thinking about now?’
‘Elizabeth.’ His smile was natural as he spoke the baby’s name.
‘CJ’s daughter?’
‘Yes.’
‘You don’t talk much about CJ,’ Melody pointed out. ‘I have a theory about that.’
He raised an eyebrow in her direction. ‘Really? I can’t wait to hear this one.’
‘I think you’re secretly infatuated with CJ because she’s been able to help you get closure on your past.’
‘Uh-huh. Anything else, Dr Freud?’
‘Yes. I think Elizabeth has filled a void in your life and that’s as clear as anything when you speak of her. Your face lights up and your entire demeanour changes. Your muscles relax and your eyes twinkle and you’re...happy. I haven’t seen you happy in so long, big brother, and the thing that scares me is what will happen when you leave Pridham and return to Sydney at the end of your contract. What happens when you’ve spent the past five and a half months becoming attached to a gorgeous little girl who doesn’t belong to you?’
She wasn’t saying anything he hadn’t already asked himself, but at the moment he didn’t have any answers.
‘That little baby tonight—Joshua is his name—did bring back memories of Ellie, but this time, when I thought of her, I imagined her differently. I imagined her smiling at me and giggling and—’ Ethan shook his head and tried again. ‘It was as though I was imagining what she would have been like if she’d been born healthy.’
‘Like Elizabeth?’
‘Yes.’
‘And Abigail? Have you been able to let go of your guilt?’
He nodded slowly. ‘I think I’m getting there.’ Ethan reached over and took his sister’s hand in his. ‘Thank you, Mel, for insisting I take a sabbatical, that I take the locum post in Pridham. You said it would be good for me to unwind, to unplug from the stress of the city, and you were right. I’m not saying there aren’t stresses in Pridham, of course there are, but...taking a step back from the life I’d been living and being able to see how someone else lives their life has been a privilege.’
‘You’re talking about CJ’s life?’
‘Yes.’ He smiled as he thought of her and breathed in deeply, filling his lungs completely. ‘She relaxes me.’
‘I see. CJ and Elizabeth relax you.’
‘They do. They really do.’
‘And what about the rest of Pridham?’
‘It’s very picturesque. Great to drive around in my car. CJ loves it.’
‘She likes your car?’
He chuckled at that. ‘She’s a vintage car enthusiast herself.’
‘Well...that is surprising. Clearly you two have a lot in common.’
‘We do.’
Melody’s phone rang and she quickly answered it, sighing heavily as she listened to her registrar. ‘Sorry, Ethan,’ she stated after disconnecting the call. ‘Emergency. I’ve gotta go.’
‘That’s fine.’ He stood and hugged her close. ‘Hey, what’s happening with the directorship for Orthopaedics?’
Melody bit her lip, then pointed to herself. Ethan’s eyes widened with surprise. ‘You’re taking it?’
‘Acting Head of Orthopaedics at your service.’ She gave a little bow. ‘Don’t know how I got talked into it, but it’ll only be temporary, I tell you that much.’ They stepped outside her office and she locked the door. ‘Anyway, how long are you planning on being in Sydney?’
‘I’m not sure. It depends on Joshua. Probably a day or two.’
‘OK. So I can see you before you head back to the country?’
‘Sure.’ He walked her down to the emergency department, being stopped by several people on the way to shake hands and say hello, but then they were off again, busy, busy, busy. After Melody had left, Ethan looked around the ED. People everywhere, everyone hectic and overworked. It was as though he felt the stress the place exuded and when he tried to take a breath, it was odd that he couldn’t quite fill his lungs.
He closed his eyes, thought of CJ’s smile and the way Elizabeth felt snuggled into his arms. Then he breathed in again, all the way, and felt the stress of his past life melt a
way as he exhaled.
Returning to his apartment, he was shocked at the stark contrast of the minimalist furnishings compared to CJ’s comfortable and homely house. Here there were no pictures on the walls of cars or people, no solid jarrah desks in the corner or comfortable bed linen on beds. Everything here was utilitarian and practical. That was the state his life had been in prior to heading to Pridham, prior to meeting CJ.
He took out his phone and went to call her again but on checking the time he realised it was too late. He didn’t have anything to report on their patients and if she’d managed to get Elizabeth to sleep, there was no way he was going to disturb any shut-eye she might actually get.
Where did he live? CJ had asked him that question and he hadn’t been able to answer her. Now, looking around his apartment, he at least had part of the answer to that question. ‘I don’t live here any more.’
* * *
By the time he flew back to Pridham and managed to arrange for someone to pick him up from the airstrip and drive him into town, it was well into the evening. He’d ended up being in Sydney for three days, monitoring the conditions of Margaret and Joshua, talking to several people about the possibility of a new research project with FAS, and having lunch with his sister.
When he headed to the back door of the house, he once again found it unlocked and shook his head. Didn’t CJ realise she was a mother now, that she needed to lock the doors in order to protect both herself and Elizabeth from harm? Of course, CJ would just counter anything he said with her statistics that Pridham had practically no crime and that if people were going to get into the house, they might smash a window, which would cause more injury and damage than an unlocked door. Her argument was a valid one and a part of him was pleased that she did live in a place where crime was low and Elizabeth could grow up enjoying being part of a close-knit community.
As he went through the house, he listened for sounds of CJ and Elizabeth, unable to believe just how much he’d missed the two of them. They were so vitally important to him and he’d come back to tell CJ as much. To share with her the decisions he’d made and to ask her opinion. He valued her opinions, he valued her. Would she be able to value him?
‘Hello?’ he called softly as he headed into the lounge room. It was empty. He went towards CJ’s part of the house and knocked softly on the door. ‘Hello?’ he called again, and pushed open the door. ‘CJ?’ He’d tried calling her from the airstrip to let her know he was back but again his call had gone through to her voicemail. Had she got the message?
‘Ethan? Is that you? Because if it’s not and you’re a robber, there’s absolutely nothing of value in the house. Just boring memorabilia, which won’t fetch you any money if you sell it on the internet.’
He grinned at her words, following the sound of her voice to the bedroom. The door was open and he stopped on the threshold, looking at her standing over Elizabeth’s crib, the baby sound asleep. She was dressed in a pair of pyjamas with her robe belted firmly around her waist. He glanced down at her feet and wasn’t surprised to see those fluffy slippers she loved so much. At first he’d thought they were ridiculous, but now he realised they suited her. They reflected her personality—warm, soft and comfortable. She probably wouldn’t like to hear herself being described that way—what woman would? But Ethan had never felt as comfortable in his life as he did when he was with CJ.
‘You’re back,’ she whispered with a sigh of relief.
‘I did leave you a message.’ He pointed to her phone, which was on her bedside table.
She nodded. ‘I got it. So... Joshua’s finally picked up?’ She bit her lip and shook her head as tears began to well in her eyes.
‘A little,’ he confirmed. ‘Margaret and Doug have a very long road ahead of them, one that will take years to adjust to. The full extent of Joshua’s brain damage is unknown as yet but he’ll need to be in hospital for at least the next six months.’ He broke off and shook his head. ‘Margaret’s already talking about selling their share of the vineyard and moving to Sydney.’
‘She is?’
Ethan nodded. ‘She says she, Doug and Joshua need a new start, one away from her parents.’
‘Huh. Good for Margaret.’
‘Sometimes when we face our worst fears, we become stronger,’ he said as he crossed the room to stare down into Elizabeth’s crib, putting his arm around CJ’s waist. ‘I’m glad Joshua didn’t die because the death of a child is...heart-breaking and soul-destroying. It can take years of therapy, of working through things, of having a complete change of scenery, before something clicks and life starts making sense again.’
She knew he was talking about himself, as well as the very long road forward that both Doug and Margaret would face.
‘You faced your fears when you were left alone and pregnant and now...’ He gestured to Elizabeth. ‘Look at that gorgeous girl.’
‘She’s stolen my heart.’ As CJ spoke, her emotions welled and tears pricked at her eyes.
‘Mine, too.’
‘I love her so much, Ethan. I never knew I could love someone that much before. I certainly never loved Quinten like this.’
‘It’s a mother’s love.’
‘It’s a parent’s love,’ she said as she leaned into him further. ‘And I’m still scared. I’m scared I’m going to let her down in the future, I’m scared I’m going to make mistakes, I’m scared that there are so many things that can go wrong. I don’t want her to skin her knee falling off her bike. I don’t want her to be teased in school. I don’t want her have her heart broken when she’s older. I want only the best.’ CJ’s emotions bubbled up and over.
‘Oh, CJ.’ He ground out her name and in an instant he’d gathered her closer to him. He knew her emotions were that of a person who desperately cared about her patients, not only their medical issues but their personal ones as well. Added to that was the fact that she’d not long given birth herself. He knew she’d be thinking about how she would feel should something terrible happen to Elizabeth. Even as the thought passed through his mind, he felt a surge of empowered protectiveness fill him completely. Elizabeth was vitally important to him, she’d become a part of him and he loved her. If anything were to happen to her...
CJ pulled back slightly, sniffing and rummaging in her robe pocket for a tissue. She blew her nose and looked up at him, overcome with love when she saw tears glistening in his eyes.
‘I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to our Lizzie...or to you.’ He shook his head. ‘I missed you both, so much.’
‘Missed us?’
‘In Sydney. I slept in a sterile, bland apartment. I chatted with people in the hospital corridors for all of thirty seconds because they were always busy going somewhere or doing something, having no time for real discussions or connections. My world there is...empty, and it’s empty because you and our gorgeous Elizabeth aren’t in it.’
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was what she’d been dreaming about, desperate to hear him say that he wanted to stay, that he wanted to be with her. She knew he’d suffered terrible pain but surely he could see that he was just the type of man who deserved to be loved? She loved him. Loved him desperately and she wanted him to know that, to understand that she would do everything she could to make him happy, to make his heart smile once more, to shine her whacky brand of sunshine into his life—for ever. She wanted to tell him, she was bursting to tell him, but would he...could he...really feel the same? Was she hoping for too much? There was only one thing to do—she needed to ask him.
‘But here?’ The words were soft yet held the strongest thread of hope. ‘In Pridham? H-how does your world look here?’ Even after she’d spoken, she tried not to hold her breath. This was the moment. What he said now might make her the happiest woman in the world...or... No. She wouldn’t even contemplate what that ‘or’ might mean. Swallowing over the nervous lump in her thr
oat, it seemed for ever before he spoke.
Ethan’s smile was bright and filled with hope. ‘Here...’ He gazed into her eyes and her heart turned over with a new wave of love for this incredible and wonderful man. ‘Here, my life is in technicolor.’
‘Really?’ Hope flared higher.
‘Yes. It’s so vibrant and alive that I need to wear sunglasses.’
CJ laughed joyously at his words. Ethan loved being here...with her.
‘You once asked me where my life was and at the time I didn’t know.’ His gaze hovered momentarily on her mouth, her lips parted and quivering with anticipation. ‘I do now. I know where my life is, CJ.’ He looked deeply into her eyes before he continued, his words filled with absolute certainty, ‘My life...is with you. You and Elizabeth. You’re my everything.’
A flood of delighted tingles spread throughout CJ’s entire body, giving the hope wings that soared to its fullest glory. ‘Oh, Ethan,’ she breathed, her voice catching on the words. Elation and utter happiness continued to tingle their way around her.
‘I know this may seem sudden or crazy or both but...’ He stopped and forced himself to slow down. ‘I know you’ve been hurt so badly in the past but I promise I will accept you for the incredibly intelligent, vivacious, honest and hard-working person you are. I trust you, CJ, I trust you with my heart. I give it to you, now and for ever.’ He took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. ‘I love you, Claudia-Jean.’
‘You... You...’ She couldn’t get the words out. Her mind was trying desperately to compute everything he’d been saying and the whole time he’d been talking her heart had been singing with delight.
‘I love you,’ he said for her, and placed a firm kiss on her mouth, as though desperate to prove his point. The kiss instantly turned hard, possessive and urgent. He was a man dying of thirst in the desert and finally finding water. He pulled back and tenderly caressed her cheek. ‘I love you,’ he stated again, then chuckled. ‘I can’t believe how many times I’m saying it. I can’t seem to stop.’
‘Don’t ever stop,’ she instructed. ‘Always reassure me that you love me.’ As she said the words, he heard the quiver in her voice, saw the pain, the hurts, the betrayals of the past. She was scared but he knew he could fix it.
