"It was the only way to save her and everyone else in this clusterfuck. She was trapped in a cell with two heinously dressed, older than dirt, singing Vampyres and she was too large to escape…so I shrunk her," Susu screeched. "What else was I supposed to do?"
"Did you shrink the other Vamps?" Lulu inquired.
"No. They're singing for their lives tonight. Literally. I only shrunk Astrid. However, as I told you before, Astrid's a True Immortal. Only half of her brain is working at the moment and the point is she needed me."
"I thought her name was Boobs McGee," Huhu said.
"Shut up, Huhu," Susu snapped.
"Holy shit." Lulu was beside herself, which made the pit in my stomach grow to a boulder. "You shrunk a fucking True Immortal?"
"Um…yes," Susu admitted morosely.
"She's eighty three percent sure that she can make me big again," I volunteered lamely.
"It's a very fucking good thing we're here," Huhu said as she rolled up her sleeves. "Susu could never make you big by herself, but the three of us have a twenty-six and a half percent chance of doing it if we work together."
I gave Susu a look that could kill and put my hand on my stomach to calm the storm that was in full swing. "Twenty-six and a half?" I choked out. Those odds sucked. At least when I got home, I wouldn't have to worry about telling my husband I was in love with another man…he'd take one look at the tiny me and kick my ass to the curb. One problem solved. Hell, I hoped my thirteen kids would understand.
"It's better than two percent," Huhu said as she slapped Susu in the head.
"I'm gonna try to look at the positive here," I said tersely. "It's difficult, but I will try."
"See?" Susu trilled. "She's not mad and it will all be fine."
"Cakehole…shut it," I ground out.
"Roger that."
"Okey-dokey, True Immortal-Vampyre-Demon," Lulu said as she and Huhu approached me dangling their wrists. "Drink up."
"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't sure if this would help or keep me mini-sized for all eternity.
"Because we have to be connected to you in order to have a chance in Hades that this will work," Lulu explained.
Time was wasting and the show was ready to start. I grabbed their wrists and drank. They both giggled like loons while Susu jumped around like a cheerleader. No one was going to believe this if I made it out of here in one piece. No one.
Lulu had eaten cookies—chocolate ones and Huhu had clearly had indulged in sour cream and onion chips. Not a good combo, but I couldn't be picky at the moment. I was simply thrilled they hadn't eaten any bad Fairies—I did not want to know what that tasted like. I licked the puncture marks and closed the wounds.
"That was awesome!" Huhu and Lulu squealed as they danced around me in glee.
"Thank you and you're welcome. You should both lay off the junk food."
They stared at me in confusion.
"She can taste what we've eaten," Susu explained as the girls oohed and ahhed at this bizarre information. "Now let's lay it out, boss. Tell these gals what they need to know."
I did. As I told them every little detail as their eyes grew rounder with excitement. They were bloodthirsty little nut jobs. Thankfully, they were on my side.
"So let me get this straight," Huhu said as she sat down on the rafter and chewed her little nails. "Bon Jovi is really Ethan in disguise. He's some kind of Prince and the buttjamber, The Corrine, mistakenly stole his baby thinking it was Gemma's, who is the true Fairy Queen. That assbag wants to mate with Ethan and she's using the baby as collateral. And by the way, congrats on bagging that job with Gemma, Susu." Susu preened as the other two turned green with envy.
I ignored the petty bullshit and waited for more questions.
"So," she continued. "The disgusting old Vamps will sing or get decapitated and then we get to eat The Reggie and The Corrine?"
"Kind of," I said. "The main goal here is to save Ethan and his baby Samuel. Eating The Reggie and The Corrine will be a bonus."
"I can work with that," Lulu said agreeably.
"It seems to me you have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Jon Bon Jovi," Huhu observed.
My eyes narrowed and sparks began to fly from my fingertips. They back away and huddled together.
"She does," Susu volunteered. "But don't talk about it. Ever. She's married to some human dude and has twenty-four kids. Plus, Ethan is married to someone else. So mum’s the word."
"Um…" Lulu raised her hand.
"Yes?" I snapped.
"You have twenty-four children?"
"No. At least I don't think I do…I might. I just can't remember."
"Wow, that sucks," Huhu said as she patted my shoulder in sympathy.
"Yes, it does," I said morosely. "Now watch the show. We'll strike at the end after Martha and Jane win."
"Is that all the plan you have?" Huhu asked.
"Yep. I like to work by the seat of my pants," I said with way more confidence than I felt.
All three of them exchanged glances and shrugged.
"Sounds good to me," Susu said.
"Me too," Huhu added.
"Me three," Lulu chimed in.
"Me four," I said with a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. "Everything will be fine."
It had to be.
Chapter 19
Children are resilient. Adults, not so much. While it is responsible to monitor what your child watches on television, make sure you protect yourselves from the truly horrid things that come over the airwaves (mainly reality shows except for Project Runway—that one is fine). While children may forget with time, adults can be scarred for life. We are serious.
Tone deaf was a supreme understatement. Listening to Fairies sing was like chewing glass and swallowing it. The four of us winced in agony as Fairy after Fairy butchered everyone from Madonna to Steven Perry. Satan would blow a gasket if he heard them desecrating his idol.
"I'm going to die," Lulu moaned as a gorgeous Fairy proceeded to destroy Christina Aguilera's “Beautiful”.
"Holy Hell," I mumbled. "I might join you."
The Simon was not kind at all. He was more vicious than he'd ever been on the version of American Idol I'd seen. Fairies left the stage wailing while The Paula sipped on Fairy Juice, smiling inanely and The Randy simply shook his head in despair. This was a train wreck, but the audience loved it. I watched in disgust as The Corrine clapped wildly and pawed Ethan. He sat in stony silence and ignored her advances.
"Soon, baby," I promised the beautiful man who I couldn't have. "I will save you soon," I whispered.
"They're next. Martha and Jane are next," Susu screamed in relief. "Please God, let them be better than this shit that's making my eardrums bleed."
"Hell," Huhu chimed in. "If they get the lyrics right, that's a sure win."
I felt like I'd heard them sing before…it wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as what we'd heard thus far.
"And now," the Fairy emcee shouted over the crowd, "we bring you the Vampyres, Martha and Jane. They will be doing a Prince medley for your listening pleasure."
The crowd went silent. Several Fairies booed and hissed. Fuck. This did not bode well for Martha and Jane keeping their heads. The lights went down and they came on the stage. I gasped and covered my eyes. They were wearing purple lingerie trimmed in purple sequins and feathers. Their pendulous boobs had pasties over them and their hoohoos were covered with barely there G-strings. It was vomit-inducing. But the crowning jewel were the knee-high stockings with brown orthopedic shoes. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I opened my eyes and waited for the bloodbath to begin.
A mirrored ball began to rotate over their heads and the band started to play “Little Red Corvette”. I couldn't look. It was too horrible. I wracked my brain for a plan B. I was going to have to save all of them now. Where in the Hell was The Kev? I was definitely going to need him.
"Oh my galaxies!" Lulu gasped with pleasure. "They are so cute and they can sing. It's not g
reat, but I don't feel the need to hurl anymore."
Wait. What? She thought they were cute? Was she smoking crack? Huhu obviously agreed. She was clapping and singing along. However, Lulu was correct. They weren't awful. They were bad, but not awful.
Slowly Fairies in the audience began to sway and sing along. They were loving it. Martha and Jane were in Heaven if their pelvic thrusts and obscene gyrations were any indication. They sang their old lady hearts out and the Fairies were screaming with unabashed hero worship. Never in my life had I seen anything so redonkulous.
The Simon and The Randy were on their feet cheering, but The Paula was passed out on the table. I was unsure if it was the performance or the Fairy Juice. It didn't matter—all Martha and Jane needed were two yes votes to win—actually one. All of the rest of the contestants had gotten zero yes votes. The only unhappy person was The Corrine. She was clearly pissed that there would be no decapitations tonight. She shouldn't be so sad. There were definitely going to be some heads rolling tonight—just not Martha and Jane's.
Martha and Jane ended their medley in a bizarre version of the splits and the crowd went bonkers. The Simon ran out and tackled the old bags with joy and the emcee ran out with a huge trophy. Martha and Jane sobbed and bowed over and over as the Fairies tried to touch their new Goddesses. Unbelievable, but good. They were safe. I hoped.
"Oh my stars," Lulu said. "I want to wrap them up and keep them!"
"I get one too," Huhu said.
They were nuts, but I had no time to explain how insane the two old bats were. It was time for the finale. My finale.
"Are you guys ready?" I was poised for flight. I still had no clue what I was going to do, but I'd figure it out as I went. I was fifty-nine percent sure that the Mini Elves would follow my lead and not fuck me up. Decent odds.
"Wait," Susu screamed and held onto me before I plunged into the chaos. "The Ho-bag From Hell is going to speak. She's got Ethan with her.”
It was against everything in me to hold back, but we needed to hear what she said. Hopefully it would determine my next move.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she purred as she ran a manicured nail down Ethan's face. Her beauty was mesmerizing, but her insides were rotten. He turned his head as she tried to kiss him and the crowd tittered uncomfortably. She turned on them with a look so vicious we gasped from all the way up in the rafters.
"This is fucked," Susu murmured.
I couldn't have agreed more.
"I'd like to announce the wonderful news. I am to be mated to Jon Bon Jovi. Tonight," she said as the Fairies clapped excitedly. "Jon Bon Jovi will be our King and the child of the one who wrongly calls herself the True Queen shall be mine!"
The crowd clapped again, but whispers ran rampant through the rows of the Fairies. Maybe they weren't all her loyal subjects. Fuck. A mass blowup of Fairies was now out of the question. I could not kill innocent people, but how in the Hell was I going to be able to tell the difference? I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.
She wrapped her arms around Ethan and literally humped him on the stage. A rage akin to the one I felt earlier bubbled to the surface and I seethed with fury. Sparks flew off of me and not just from my fingertips. I was literally one big rainbow of deadly glittering flames.
"Oh shit," Huhu squeaked. "What do we do?"
"Make me big," I hissed. "Make me big now. Do it," I yelled as the flames around my body increased. There was no way in Hell a flaming hummingbird was going to cause enough damage. I needed to be me. "Now," I hissed as they backed away in fear.
They grabbed hands and chanted. Susu began glowing first and the others soon followed. I had not seen anything so stunning ever. I felt something twitch inside of me as the chanting became more intense and the glowing ramped up to where I couldn't actually look at them anymore. It hurt getting little, but that was nothing compared to what happened next. I would have welcomed death in the short minutes that it took the voodoo to make me big.
Glancing at myself, I grimaced and grinned. I was alive and I was back. The rafters were no longer a comfortable place to be, which was fine. I had no intention of watching anymore. It was my turn to take center stage. I jumped and I flew letting rage carry me forward. I landed with an ungraceful thud, but I didn't give a shit. Most of these fuckers wouldn't even be alive to talk about this evening when all was said and done.
Chapter 20
Teaching your child that good conquers evil may seem like a good idea. However, this doesn't always hold true. Most of the time it does, but not without a massive clusterfuck. Also, do not use the word clusterfuck around your child. This will cause problems when he goes to kindergarten. Trust us. We know.
"Who in the Hell are you?" The Corrine screamed in fury as Ethan quickly moved to my side. He dropped his Bon Jovi disguise and his fangs emerged from his gums. The crowd gasped, but none louder than The Corrine.
"Ethan?" she said in a little girl voice that made me want to gag. "You've come back to me." She sighed in ecstasy, fell to her knees and kissed his feet.
"Get up, skank. He's not yours," I said as I kicked her away.
"Kill her," The Corrine screeched from the floor.
Oh my Hell, I did not have time for this shit. As an army of Fairies advanced on me, I waved my arm violently. Thousands of Fairies froze and went airborne, but that wasn't the best part. Nope. All the male Fairies sported double Ds, press-on nails, frizzy hair and a full face of garish makeup. The female Fairies now were the proud owners of unibrows, mustaches, long gnarly leg hair and tiny penises. The Fairies that weren't frozen midair screamed in terror and ran like the Devil was on their heels from the ballroom. It was all kinds of awesome and my Mini Elves shrieked with glee.
I turned to The Corrine and curtsied—just like Martha and Jane. She deserved no less than me pretending to take a crap on her solid gold floor. "I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Astrid and you're dead."
Her bellow of rage shook the room. She lunged at me with such hatred I took a step back. Violent magic seeped from her every pore. It was going to get ugly fast. Quickly I flicked my fingers at her, trapped her magic and froze her in a very unflattering position. Even though the hanging Fairies were mortified at their new looks I heard quite a few laughs at The Corrine's predicament. And just so she didn't feel left out I flicked my hand at her again. She now looked like the rest of her people, tiny penis and all. I turned away from her. She was the very least of my problems right now.
I needed to do something before all Hell broke loose and I knew this was the best time to get it over with. This was going to suck ass, but I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't come clean. Not that anyone would want to hear what I had to say—I still had to say it. I turned to Ethan and gathered my courage.
"Ethan, I have to say something to you."
"What do you want to say to me, Astrid?" he asked softly as he stood next to me. His eyes turned a brilliant green. He was so very beautiful I wanted to cry.
"Don't say anything until I finish."
"I promise," he said as he watched me curiously.
Here goes nothing. "I love you, Ethan. I know that's wrong, but I needed you to know. It seems ridiculous since I've only known you for a few days, but I do." The words flew quickly and awkwardly from my mouth.
He stared up at the ceiling and my stomach plummeted to my toes. Shitshitshit, I had started this and I was going to finish it.
"I know you love your mate and I don't care that you can never love me back. Well, actually I do, but that's selfish and wrong. She's a very lucky woman and I wish you the best. Shit—honestly, I don't, but it's the polite thing to say. It's probably wrong that I'm telling you this, but I have to. I want you to know that I'm going to leave my husband when we get back to wherever we're from because it's not fair to him. It's wrong to be with a person when you love another. I hope he understands and I really hope I don't have twenty-two children. It would absolutely suck to be a single mother to that many kids. Anyway, yo
u don't need to hear that part. That's my problem and I will deal with it."
I wasn't sure, but it looked like Ethan was laughing. He couldn't be…that was impossible. Martha and Jane looked so confused I almost giggled, but nothing was very funny at the moment. Plus, I wasn't quite done.
"When we get back, I will take my seventeen children and I'll go away—far away. You'll never have to see me again. I won't disrupt your life because I love you too much. I understand that this is mortifying for you, but I had to tell you. Please forgive me."
I looked at my feet and wanted to die. Why did I just do that? Had I truly lost my entire mind? Yes, I had. However, I felt free. I could now kill a shit load of Fairies and if I died I would have no reason to come back as a ghost and bare my soul to him. Wait. Did ghosts even exist? Slowly I glanced up, expecting to be laughed at or dismissed. What I saw shocked me to the core.
Fashionably Dead in Diapers Page 18
