‘I really don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure.’
Affecting a broad Glasgow accent, Annie then delivered the punch line. ‘So … are you guys aw in the same team?’
Jack was still chuckling when Annie stalled the car at the next set of traffic lights, with the target people carrier swiftly disappearing off into the distance before she could restart the engine.
Mortified, Annie punched the steering wheel in frustration and said, ‘Shit. I’m really sorry, boss. It’s the stiff clutch on this heap. I’m not used to it yet.’
Chapter 8
Next morning Annie arrived in first at the office and was busy working at a shiny Apple MacBook Air, with a steaming mug of coffee by her side, when Jack entered and hung up his coat.
‘Morning Annie, where did that come from?’
‘It’s mine. I brought it in to show you how useful a proper computer can be for work.’
‘Computers had been around for a while before I left the force,’ said Jack as he warily approached the gleaming ultra-thin device, which Annie had paired to her iPhone for internet access, and also to a small Bluetooth printer. ‘But other than doing really basic stuff, like pressing the start button and then thumping the box on the side, when it froze up in the middle of doing something, I didn’t get past Go. To be perfectly honest, I never really got to grips with the technology. It’s a bit of an age thing, I suppose.’
‘That’s rubbish. Anybody can learn how to use one properly, if they’re taught properly. Seriously, these days if you don’t use the internet to gather together information and email to communicate with clients, you’re working with both hands tied behind your back. People will think you’re some kind of dinosaur.’
‘It has been mentioned. By you in fact.’
‘The thing is, if you don’t keep up to speed with all the latest developments in social media and messaging, then you’re totally handicapped. I don’t mean just for self-promotion, because people are incredibly indiscreet when they’re communicating with so-called friends online. So, if you know you way around all the different platforms, it can be a terrific free source of gossip and information that you just wouldn’t discover any other way.’
Jack snorted and said, ‘All this social media crap doesn’t really affect me, of course, because I don’t have any friends. But mark my words, Annie, no good will come of it.’
Shaking her head, Annie replied, ‘You’ve got to get with the programme, boss. There is no alternative, unless you want to live in a cave somewhere and completely ignore the outside world.’
‘I have thought about it, but you’re right, Annie. That’s why you’re here, remember? To drag me kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. So tell me what you’ve been doing?’
Annie indicated several A4 pages, which she had printed off from the internet. ‘Look, already I’ve been able to read up about Frankie’s car so-called accident, from articles that were in the local papers at the time of his court settlement. Apparently, at the time, it was one of the biggest compensation pay-outs in Scotland for a traffic accident, so there was a fair bit of coverage. Then I went into the property records site, to see how much he paid for his house, it cost £175,000, and I’ve also done a search for all the five-a-side football league venues in Glasgow. So, if we’re tailing him and, ahem, something unexpected happens again, we’ll still have a good idea where he’s heading.’
Dazzled by the array of cutting edge technology displayed on the desk, Jack took a closer look at the MacBook and shook his head. ‘Jesus, but it’s so small and it’s not even plugged in.’
Annie Proudly describes the spec of her prized possession. ‘This bad boy is the latest Air model with 1.3 GHZ Intel dual-core processors, HD graphics, with an all-day battery and, of course, Bluetooth and WiFi.’
None the wiser, Jack nodded and then picked up her iPhone. ‘So this is what five hundred quid gets you. It’s nice, but if I had one, I would just worry about losing it.’
Annie nodded and explained that she was now on her third iPhone in less than eighteen months. ‘I dropped the first one into a pint of cider and blackcurrant, when I was on a night out. I managed to claim on my insurance for that one, after getting the third degree from them when I explained how it was, ahem, accidentally damaged. The second one I left in a taxi, I think. But I had just fallen into a hedge before I flagged down the cab, so I’m not absolutely sure about that one. And, of course, the insurance company really took the hump big time and would only pay out on half the value.’
Smiling, Jack fully sympathised with the follies of the young. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, there seems to be a recurring theme here, Annie, of reckless over-indulgence combined with an almost criminal disregard for personal possessions, when you’re out on the razz. This is behaviour with which, despite my advanced age, I am sadly all too familiar.’
She then held up her precious new moby. ‘So this is my third iPhone and I’m definitely now into “three strikes and you’re out” territory. If I lose this one, drop it or have it stolen, that’s it … I’m toast. I’d need to shell out between five and six hundred pounds, which I obviously don’t have, for a new one. That’s why I’ve bought a ten pound throw down phone, for use on nights out, and I’ve got all the latest tracking software installed and enabled on the iPhone, just in case.’
‘How does that work?’
‘Well if the phone is switched on, and there’s a good strong signal, its location can be plotted pretty accurately using a laptop with the same programme installed. If the phone is still just in range of a base station, but with a much weaker signal, the accuracy of the software drops off big time, but it does still give you a rough idea of where the phone is.’
‘Very impressive, but what if the battery’s dead, or the phone’s switched off?’
‘You’re really struggling then, but you can check where the last call or text was made or received, so that could still be useful. It would at least point you in the right direction, you know, to start looking for it.’
‘It’s all very clever, Annie. Although to be honest, it’s not really a major concern for me, with my old phone. A couple of months ago I actually dropped it in the gutter outside the Royal Bar, just after closing time, when I was slightly tired and emotional. And, amazingly, it was still lying there in full view the next day, when I came back at lunchtime. Okay, some passing joker had taken a picture of his knob with the camera, but other than that it was still good to go after I gave it a good wipe. Oh, while I remember, you must show me how to get rid of that picture, because the idiot saved it to the start-up screen. I keep getting funny looks from people sitting next to me on the bus, you know, when I take the phone out to check for any missed calls. Mostly they change seats quite quickly, but there has been the odd one who edged up a bit closer.’
Annie ignored Jack’s ramblings about his old clunker phone and continued to enthusiastically explain the innovations at the other end of the mobile phone spectrum. ‘Some parents install this kind of stuff on their kids’ phones, so they know where they are when they go out at night with their friends, and I actually have a couple of girlfriends who have sneaked the same type of software onto their boyfriends’ mobiles, without them knowing about it, so they can keep an eye on what they get up to. I don’t like that, personally. It’s way too creepy. I mean, there’s got to be some sort of basic trust in a relationship, don’t you think?’
‘You’re right, but we might be able to use this technology, the next time we’re working on a missing person case.’
Now thoroughly briefed on the latest developments in mobile telephony, Jack was determined not to be seen as a complete Luddite and said, ‘I’ve got one of those little DAB radios, you know, at home. Most nights I can get The Archers and the football results clear as a bell, if I stand on the wardrobe holding the aerial above my head.’ He then proudly pointed towards a small electric grill on a shelf. ‘Okay then, Annie, I’m prepared to co
ncede that your iPhone and that little MacBook thingy are very impressive. But when it comes to my critical test for a gadget … can it knock up a good bacon and sausage toastie, like my trusty George Formby? I don’t think so. This one’s the classic Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. I don’t think they make this exact model any more, but I can tell you it’s been a real life saver for a man alone.’
It was Annie’s turn to be puzzled. ‘So, who’s George Formby?’
‘It would take too long to explain,’ said Jack, feeling really old again. ‘Do you want a toastie, or not?’
‘No thanks, I had a big smoothie in the deli round the corner before I came in.’
Unable to resist Jack smirked and said, ‘I usually have one of them after a good night out on the Guinness.’
‘Pull … eeeese, that’s way too much information.’
‘Sorry Annie, my ex tells me I’m at a difficult age. Look it’s really nice outside, why don’t you put your jacket on and we’ll combine a walk with some more training.’
Chapter 9
As Jack and Annie walked into a nearby city centre park, Jack paused briefly to tickle the ears of a small dog, whose lead was tethered to a bench at the entrance. ‘Okay, an essential skill for any private detective is the ability to conduct effective covert surveillance and part of that skill is the classic foot pursuit, which sounds simple but isn’t, especially if you’re working on your own. So that’s what you’re going to be practicing this morning, Annie. I’ll be the target, so you give me exactly one minute of a start and then try to tail me along the main path through the park, without me seeing you. Got it?’
Annie was quietly confident and said, ‘Yes boss, I’ll be like a shadow flitting across the sun.’
‘Of course, if your target is anyone under thirty, doing this is a piece of cake. The way young people wander around like zombies, looking at their mobile phones all the time, you don’t need to do anything terribly clever when you’re tailing them. In fact you could be walking two feet behind them stark naked, with a bright flashing light strapped to your head and an ostrich feather sticking out of your arse, and they wouldn’t even notice.’
‘Lady Gaga beat you to it, boss. I’m sure she did that one on her last tour.’
‘Okay then, listen up. I’m well over thirty and I won’t be staring at my phone, so you wait one minute, then begin. And remember, no cheating.’
Jack walked briskly away and, once out of sight round a bend, he left the main path and concealed himself in the middle of a patch of dense undergrowth, to observe how his protégé would deal with an unexpected change of plan, and then muttered to himself, ‘Okay, let’s see if Ms bloody WiFi Bluetooth can find me in here.’ After the required one minute interval, Annie quickly followed along the path, but Jack was nowhere to be seen. Anxious not to fail such an apparently simple test, she began to jog while scanning the numerous small trails leading off from either side of the main path.
After several minutes of searching she paused, frustrated, with hands on hips and looked around a full three hundred and sixty degrees and exclaimed, ‘He can’t have come this far, no way. He’s either been mugged, or the old fool’s fallen down a hole somewhere.’
Resigned to going back to the car and waiting, she began to retrace her steps along the path when she heard the sound of breaking branches and Jack’s raised voice, clearly in some distress. Thinking that her boss was either being robbed, or having a heart attack, Annie ran round to the other side of a thick clump of bushes, following Jack’s voice, where she found him frantically hopping around in circles, as a small wiry mongrel enthusiastically dry-humped his leg.
Feigning embarrassment at catching Jack in flagrante delicto, Annie sensed that this was perfect payback time for Jack’s constant teasing. ‘Boss … I’m so sorry. I know that you said every man’s got to have a hobby. Look, I’ll come back later, okay. When you two are finished.’
Red faced and sweating profusely, Jack squealed, ‘Get this bastard dog … off my leg.’
Thoroughly enjoying winding Jack up, Annie merely simpered and said, ‘Oh look, it’s sooo cute. What’s his name?’
‘I don’t fucking know, we haven’t been introduced.’
Annie then shrugged and said, straight-faced, ‘Okay, I get it, for you it’s just quick anonymous sex in the park. Hey, whatever, I’m not, like, judging anyone here.’ Taking out her mobile, Annie then started to video the frantic dog-on-man action and enthusiastically advised Jack, ‘This is so great, it’ll definitely go viral on YouTube.’
Jack first threatened, ‘Don’t you fucking dare,’ and then quickly changed tack to try for the sympathy vote. ‘Please Annie, these are clean trousers.’
Observing the blissed-out, eyes closed, tongue-dangling expression on the little dog’s face, Annie offered wise counsel. ‘All things considered boss, it might be easier to just shut your eyes, moan a little bit and let him finish. Anyway, that’s what I used to do with my last boyfriend. I mean this little guy could turn really nasty, if I try to stop things now.’
Rapidly succumbing to dizziness and clearly at the end of his tether, Jack raged, ‘Okay, that’s it, I’m going to kill the little fucker, right now.’
Realising that the time to intervene had sadly arrived, Annie then took a half-eaten chocolate bar from her back pack and whistled, ‘Here boy, see.’
The randy little mutt immediately disengaged from Jack’s leg and, tail wagging furiously, took the offered treat from Annie, who was bent double with laughter. ‘Hey, that proves it’s not just us girls who have a sweet tooth. Obviously if a cute boy has a straight choice between sex and chocolate, it’s no contest.’
The little dog ran away yelping as Jack aimed a wild kick at its rear end. Hearing the commotion, its obviously camp male owner then burst through the bushes in a complete lather.
‘Oh no, what have you done to poor little Fluffy?’
‘What have I done? I haven’t done anything,’ an indignant Jack spluttered. ‘It bloody well attacked me.’
Dismissive, the dog owner gathered up the little pooch in a protective embrace and said, ‘Oh, don’t be silly. Fluffy wouldn’t hurt anyone. He’s just like me, we can’t help being affectionate and trusting with big, rough strangers. What on earth were you doing here in the middle of the bushes anyway?’
He then sidled closer to Jack and nudged him hopefully with his elbow. ‘Ooh, you’re not a very bad man, are you?’
Annie was also curious and asked, ‘Yeah boss, what were you doing in there?’
Realising he was now on a hiding to nothing the way the conversation was heading, Jack decided that discretion was the better part of valour. He walked away with as much dignity as he could muster, with a gruff parting shot to the dog owner, saying, ‘I’ll tell you what, pal. If you promise to take little Fluffy to the vet, to get seen to, I’ll pay. My treat, as long as I get to watch … but there’s definitely no anaesthetic to be used.’
Re-joined by Annie back on the path, he then attempted to wipe something warm and sticky from his trouser leg. ‘It must have been the scent of the other dog, at the park entrance, you know, on my trousers.’
Annie smirked and took the opportunity provided to enjoy a final snipe. ‘Maybe you just overdid the Lynx this morning.’
Reluctantly conceding that his “classic foot pursuit” training module was probably in need of a bit more work, Jack then muttered, ‘Enough fucking training, I need a drink.’
‘I have a suggestion, boss. Let’s take a detour on the way to the pub and let me show you something.’
Chapter 10
‘Okay, I give in,’ said Jack. ‘Why have you brought me here? It looks like a poncy women’s hairdresser.’
‘I worked here for a couple of months after I left college, covering reception and answering the phones. Ever since then, I’ve had my hair done once a month by one of the senior stylists, Justin. But he does men as well.’
‘I bet he does,’ said Jack grumpily<
br />
‘Look, try and be nice. Let’s just go inside and I’ll see if he can fit you in now for a cut. They’ve also recently started doing hot shaves. So since you’re here, you might as well go the whole hog and have one of them as well.’
As they paused at the reception desk, a spotty young man with a flamboyant blond quiff, who was sweeping the floor in the cutting area, shouted out a greeting, ‘Hi Annie, I didn’t know you had an appointment booked. Or are you just taking your granddad for a nice day out somewhere?’
Jack growled and began clenching his fists. ‘Relax will you,’ said Annie. ‘That’s Simon, he’s a terrible tease. Just ignore him.’
Annie established that there was a free slot available with Justin and then waited, reading a magazine and chatting to the receptionist. When Jack re-emerged forty minutes later, rubbing his newly shorn scalp, she smiled and asked, ‘Hey look at you. How did you get on?’
‘I didn’t realise it was so complicated trying to get a haircut,’ said Jack. ‘First of all, when I sat down, he combed all of my hair forward right over my eyes, then started pulling it around in all directions. Then he sucked his thumb and screwed his face up, before saying that there wasn’t a great deal he could do, if I was hoping for a David Beckham. So I told him that I just wanted it nice and short all over, and then he recommended that I should have a number two. I didn’t know what he was on about, so I laughed and said, “Yeah I will, but cut my hair first”. He gave me a really funny look.’
‘No wonder,’ said Annie, rolling her eyes. ‘But now that it’s all done, the shave and the hair … admit it, I bet you feel different. Am I right?’
‘Yes, since you ask, I do feel different. Mainly because my wallet’s thirty-five quid lighter than when I went in. I could get four haircuts at my usual place for that. And he was looking for a tip.’
‘Oh come on, you cheapskate, don’t tell me you didn’t give him one?’
‘Of course, I gave him a tip. I told him that his outfit … the red Hawaiian shirt, with the blue pedal pusher slacks and matching ballet pumps, was just so last season.’
Fire in the Blood Page 5
