by Izzy Shows
That was true. Emily believed in God and all of his love and everything else that went with the territory more than anyone I had ever met, but she was also different from every Christian I had ever met in other ways. I'd had a bad experience with Christians, for the most part; the ones I'd met throughout my life had always been very judgmental, quick to tell me I was going to hell for this thing or that thing. They were always so superior. But Emily was the perfect picture of what a loving God was supposed to create. She was kind and patient, and she didn't push her religion on anyone else. She loved everyone with the grace she said God would want from her.
If everyone had been like Emily, I was sure the world would be a much better place.
"Well, hey, not because I want to stop picking on Emily for dating Blair, because I sure do. The two of you are adorable and all, but I never would have thought you'd end up together," he said, earning a laugh from both Emily and me. "But I actually wanted to ask the three of you something."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Would you maybe want to come trick or treating with me and Lilian? You're all kind of honorary aunts and uncles, and she likes you all a lot. I thought it might be nice," he said, going a little red at the end.
"What?" I snorted. "Me? Trick or treat? That's absolutely absurd, not to mention outside my comfort zone. But… Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun, actually."
The three of them laughed at that.
"You're such a dork, Blair," Finn said. "I knew you were going to be weird about it."
"I'm not weird! Well, OK, but I'm a perfectly fine level of weird."
"I'd love to go, Finn," Emily said, smiling. "It sounds like a perfect evening."
"Count me in too," Shawn said. "I love that little girl. She's so sweet."
"Great." Finn grinned. "I can't wait."
"On the note of Halloween, who's ready for the movie yet?"
"Oh! Right, that. Just let me draw up a circle," I said, standing up.
"I can't believe you have to do that every time we turn on a piece of technology. Come to think of it, I can't believe you don't have a TV. I had to bring my damn laptop," Finn groused.
"Hey, I didn't choose to blow up everything modern the second I touch it, or get near it, but them's the breaks. And why would I have a TV if I can't watch it? That's just silly. You did turn your laptop off before you came in, right?"
He sighed. "Yes, just like every time we come over to watch a movie, I made sure to turn it off first."
"Good. Emily, are you in or out of the circle?" I asked, turning to her.
"Of course I'm inside," she said. "I want to be able to hold you."
"Good," I said, ducking my head to hide a smile. I was still a little self-conscious in my relationship with Emily, still struggling with believing I was worthy of her, and that she really liked me, even a year and a half into it.
I grabbed a piece of chalk, then came back and drew a circle around the couch, chanting while I did so, until I got back to the front where the two ends of the circle would meet, and pushed my power out and into it as I connected the lines. As soon as I did so, I felt the invisible barrier thrum to life, containing Emily and me on the inside and keeping my power from getting past it.
That done, I sat down next to Emily again and returned to my prior position of leaning in to her, my head on her chest and her arm around my shoulders.
As soon as I was settled, Finn and Shawn got up and pushed the coffee table to one side and moved their chairs so they were in front of the side of the couch that was empty, then pushed the coffee table in front of the four of us.
"Get ready. This is a gory one," Finn said as he put his laptop on the coffee table. He turned it on, and it booted quickly to the desktop. He had one of those fancy computers with some special kind of hard drive that was really fast. Don't ask me what it was; I couldn't tell you the first thing about it. He pulled the movie up on the screen and hit play, then settled back into his seat.
I grinned as the movie started, darting a look at the boys on one side, then at Emily on my other side.
It was good to be with my friends.
Two
Three hours later, the boys cleared out for the night with a chorus of good-byes and hugs all around. Then it was just Emily and me, and we went back to sit on the couch again. I was always a little nervous when I was alone with her now, although that really wasn't such a huge change.
Even before we'd started dating, I'd been antsy around Emily. At first, it had just been because she was such an amazing and powerful fighter; she'd fought at my back during Tyburn Tree, slicing through the undead with the great sword she wielded, for all the world looking like an avenging angel. I didn't like the idea of her fighting anymore—I was incredibly protective of her—but there was no denying that she was better than just about anyone out there.
Except for Malphas. When she came with me to Malphas' apartment, he'd thrown her against the wall like she was nothing more than a rag doll, and I swear, my heart stopped beating for a second.
No, don't think about that. We don't think about him anymore, I chided myself, and did my best to change the direction of my thoughts back to Emily. She was sitting on the couch, waiting patiently for me to get my thoughts in order. I didn't know how she always knew what was up with me, but she seemed to have a special 'Blair sense' she used to read me like an open book.
"Sorry. I totally spaced again, didn't I?" I said, blushing as I took my seat beside her on the crouch. I shifted so I was facing her, one leg tucked under me.
"You did, but that's OK. I know your head is busy."
"I should work harder on getting that under control," I muttered.
"It isn't a bother, Blair. You don't need to worry about it."
"I know, I know. It's just…" I let out a sigh, unable to figure out what exactly I'd wanted to say.
"You're still anxious about offending me somehow?" Her eyes twinkled with humor.
"Hey, you're not supposed to acknowledge that. It's silly."
"You're right, it is silly. Why can't you accept that I like you for who you are, crazy thoughts and all?"
"Maybe because you're so obviously above me?" I said. "I mean, you're literally chosen by God. I'm just a random woman who happens to have some special powers. I was practically homeless when we met."
"And I couldn't have chosen a better person to love," she said, smiling. "Are you forgetting that one of the gifts he so graciously gifted me with was the ability to see into the souls of others? I know you, Blair, probably better than you know yourself. You're worthy of the friendships others have given you, and of the love I carry in my heart for you."
I blushed. "I love you, too."
My heart still went into a flutter anytime she said those words, as if it was the first time she'd said them. I still couldn't believe she'd picked me out of all the people in the world she could have chosen. She was so beautiful. She had warm brown skin dusted with little freckles across her nose and cheeks, striking green eyes, and a cloud of kinky red hair cascading down to her shoulders. No matter where she went, she always drew looks, and I didn't blame anyone for wanting to look at her.
But it wasn't just her beauty that drew people in—and everyone always was pulled toward her, like bees to flowers—it was her heart. She was so kind, so generous, so loving.
No, it didn't make any sense that she'd picked me, of all people, but I was grateful every day that went by. I would never stop thanking whoever happened to be out there and listening to me that they'd sent me Emily. She was perfect.
"Blair…" Emily sighed as she shifted. "We came close to it this night, and I know you don't want to, but I think we need to talk about it, or at least try. I think it has something to do with why you don't feel worthy of what we have together, why you're always second-guessing our relationship."
I flushed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
She gave me a pointed look. "Yes, you do. Don't try to deny it. It'll do you no
good."
"I've told you I don't know how many times, I don't want to talk about him," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and looking down at the couch. "It doesn't feel right, even talking about him with you. I mean, come on, Emily. He's Fallen, and you're one of the Seven. I shouldn't even think his name around you."
"But you do," she said with a gentle smile on her face. "And that's all right. I don't blame you for it. And just because I'm one of the Seven doesn't mean you can't speak of such things with me. You seem to have this idea that I'm somehow pure of all things human, and that God hears everything I say and will smite you for mentioning him. These things aren't true. I'm just as human as you are, and God is a loving father who would not have put Malphas in your path if there hadn't been a purpose to it. He wouldn't want us to ignore such a thing, especially because it's had such a profound effect on your life."
"You know, I'm pretty sure most girlfriends don't want to talk about that one guy the other girlfriend had a fling with, if you can even call it that," I grumbled.
"I'm not most girlfriends, now, am I?" She laughed. "And besides, I know how much he meant to you."
"He understood me," I whispered, looking down at my hands, palms facing up and somehow reminding me how empty he'd left me feeling. "Don't get me wrong; I love you, but he understood the need to fight, the battle fever, that feeling of never being more alive than when you're fighting for your life. You're all that's good and bright in the world, and you're all about life, and that's beautiful. I love that about you. But…"
"But there's a part of you that he understood better than anyone else ever could," she said gently. "It's all right to acknowledge that, Blair. It doesn't hurt my feelings."
I looked up at her, the motion causing some of my hair to fall down over my eyes. "It doesn't? I would think it would."
"I'm secure in our relationship," she said softly. "Unlike you, I'm not worried about how you feel about me."
"Wouldn't that be nice," I said, huffing. "I sure would like to not worry about you leaving me."
She reached out and stroked my cheek. "I'm never going to leave you, Blair. You have to know that."
I shrugged. "You say that now, but what about tomorrow, when I do something that mortally offends you? What about when you realize that you can't stand how filthy my mouth is? What about when I do talk about Mal, and you realize you can't handle any of that?"
"It's not going to happen," she said, then reached out and drew me into a hug.
I held tight to her with a little tremor running through me. "But it feels like it might, and it scares me."
"I know, sweetie. But try to tell yourself that it's just your mind working against you, and it isn't true."
"Okay, I'll try," I said, but I was doubtful. This wasn't the first time she'd suggested that, and I doubted it would be the last.
She pulled back and leaned against the couch. "All right, now it's time to talk about it."
I shifted uncomfortably. "Do we have to? I mean, none of what I said has changed. I still feel like I shouldn't be talking about him with you."
"I respect that, and if you really don't wish to talk about it, I'll let it go. But I think it's been eating you up inside, and you should be able to tell me everything that upsets you. I'm here for you, Blair."
That was true, and I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her with anything. That wasn't it at all. I just…I was worried that if I told her how much he'd hurt me, and how confused I was, and everything that went along with it, that she would freak out and leave me. I needed to give Emily more credit than that, though. She'd never acted like that before, had never given me a reason to think she would do any of that.
It was just as she'd said: my mind was working against me. Maybe it would feel good to get it all out.
"I don't know where to start," I said at last.
She brightened somewhat, clearly pleased that I was going to talk for once.
"Why don't you start at the beginning?"
"You mean when we went to his apartment?"
"No, that's rather the end, isn't it?" She giggled. "I mean before all of that—how he made you feel when you were friends. You haven't talked to anyone about that, have you? I know you've never told me much about it. You've kept it to yourself."
"Again, it didn't feel like something I should really say out loud," I said ruefully. "Being attracted to a Fallen isn't exactly the most honorable thing, is it?"
Even saying that, admitting I'd been attracted to him, was a little scary.
She laughed. "Blair, that's not what feelings are about. You can't choose whom you're attracted to. That isn't how things work. If you're afraid I'm going to judge you for any of this, don't be."
"Thanks. That's…that's reassuring," I said, then took a deep breath. "All right, so, basically, it all started in Aidan's basement. Aidan was trying to call someone or something into a ritual circle so we could question it, but it didn't go to plan. Mal showed up instead of whatever Aidan was trying to call—I never found out what. And I was supposed to stay quiet and not draw attention to myself, but Mal noticed me almost right away, and then I was an idiot and talked to him."
"Couldn't resist?" she said, grinning.
I blushed. "Not so much that as I'm just impulsive and a loudmouth. I figured if I could make him think I was bigger than I was, he wouldn't want to bother with me, which is what Aidan wanted in the first place. So, I kind of shot my mouth off, but that apparently only made him more interested."
"Not surprising. You're a very interesting individual."
"Yeah, well, he pulled me into a dreamscape that night, and we had a little chat. I think he thought I was someone else, because he seemed a little disappointed when we talked, but also determined. It was confusing, to say the least, but that was that. I was sure I was never going to see him again, at least if I could help it, but then everything with Tyburn Tree started happening, and I thought I might need more power to handle the situation, since Aidan wouldn't listen to me. Although, in retrospect, I could have handled telling Aidan about it a little bit better. Maybe he would have listened to me if I'd been more calm, but I was so freaked out at that point…"
Guilt washed through me as I recalled Tyburn Tree and the death of my mentor. I still felt like I could have done something, anything, to prevent Aidan's death.
Emily seemed to know that, because she reached out, placed a hand on my shoulder, and squeezed gently.
"It's all right, Blair. You did everything you could."
"I hope so," I whispered. "I really do hope I did everything I could, because I'd hate myself if I could have done something more."
"I know you, and I was there with you for the fight. You did everything that could be done."
I nodded. "Well, we weren't talking about that, anyway. I summoned Mal before the fight at Tyburn Tree and made a deal with him for more power. We sealed it with a kiss, and it was honestly one of the most electrifying kisses I've ever had. Sorry."
"Don't be sorry," she said, smiling. "Malphas and I are two different people. Of course you're going to respond to us differently. I'd be worried if you were attracted to us in the exact same way. I would assume, as well, that any relationship you might have with Malphas would have an entirely different dynamic than the one we have."
"Not that we have to worry about that," I muttered. "That's never going to happen."
"The future is never easy to predict," she said, as vague as ever. "In my experience, it's best not to rule things out."
I frowned. "Putting aside everything else I'd have to get over, I'm dating you. That kind of precludes me dating Mal."
She arched an eyebrow. "It could, or it couldn't. Like I said, I'm secure in our relationship, I wouldn't feel threatened by him. If that was something you wanted, I wouldn't stand in your way, and I certainly wouldn't ask you to choose between the two of us. That wouldn't be fair to you."
That confused me even more.
"I don't even know wh
at to think about that. I think that's a whole different conversation for a different day."
She shrugged. "We can certainly address it later if you'd like."
"Yeah, I think that would be best."
"All right, then, let's get back on topic. How did you feel about Malphas after everything had settled down and you had time to process that?"
"Er, well, confused, for sure. Because I was definitely attracted to him, there was no denying that, but also, how stereotypical is that? Girl falls for the sexy demon guy? Come on. I shouldn't be that predictable."
She laughed. "There's nothing wrong with predictable, as long as it works for you."
"Right, well, it seemed like something I should know better than to get myself involved with. I figured that if anything happened there, it would end badly, and I didn't want to risk how bad it could possibly get."
"Mmm, OK, so you were cautious about your feelings for him."
"I don't know. Can you even say I had feelings for him at that point? I was attracted to him, I wanted him, but I didn't exactly know him."
"All right, so skip to when you did know him, then."
"Right, well, that all really started when I was training with him and Raven to figure out how to control the demon mark—which, sidebar, I'm really pissed about. The whole time we were training on that, he knew he could remove the mark. He was just playing with me."
"You don't know why he did what he did," she said softly. "Try to reserve judgment until you've gotten an explanation."
"But that's the problem! I probably won't ever get an explanation. And that infuriates me. I mean, there I was, struggling with the fact that we'd kissed a few times, and my body had gone into like hyperdrive both times. I really wanted to be with him, but I wouldn't let myself go there because I knew he was Fallen and that was a bad idea. And then he goes and takes the decision out of my hands entirely by being a total arsehole and ripping the mark off me and threatening to sell my contract, and just… How could he do that?"
