“Zoe.”
“I read your text.”
“And?”
“So Jasper is the wild, passionate, exciting one, and Tom is the sensible, caring, calm one?”
“Yes.”
“And you have feelings for them both?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, you’ve got yourself in quite a pickle.”
“Thanks. That’s really helpful.”
“I say Tom. He’s so amazing, Ellen. How well do you really know Jasper? It’s lust with him. Tell him to leave you alone and get things back on track.”
Alex and Heidi were coming down the stairs towards me.
“Thank you, Zoe. I’ve got to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Good luck.”
I went back in and saw the two men I loved sitting opposite each other laughing as only two best mates can. Laura said go with Jasper. Zoe said go with Tom.
I wanted to go and wrap my arms around Tom and tell him he was wonderful.
I wanted to go and wrap my arms around Jasper and tell him he was worth risking everything for.
Most of all, I didn’t want to ruin their friendship. Or this foursome and the potential they had to create more music. Music that the world would never hear if I destroyed their friendship.
I had to choose Tom. It was Tom or nothing. The realisation of what that meant hit me and made me feel astonished. There was no choice. I couldn’t spoil this.
With a kind of calm, I went and took my seat. I still didn’t want wine. I’d stick to water. Maybe Jasper and I would be friends. Maybe we’d grow an amazing friendship and we’d still be connected in some way – just not sexually. I could have them both this way.
Alex and Heidi took their seats and soon George and Jane were with us too. The wine flowed, for everyone but myself and Jasper, the conversation was lively, and Jasper produced a little CD player and put some of their old albums on, which made them talk and reminisce even more passionately than before.
I’d made my choice, and I was going to stick with it.
Chapter Thirty-Three
“I’m going to bed,” I declared. Jane had already gone up and the others were in full drunken swing, laughing and joking. Jasper had been sitting quietly in the corner, laughing along with his orange juice. It was gone 2am and I was shattered.
Tom kissed me on the forehead and promised he’d be up soon. I glanced at Jasper and he smiled at me. The others wished me good night and I went up to my room, wondering if I’d be able to get much sleep, despite how tired I was.
“Wait!”
I was just putting my room card in the door when Jasper caught up with me. I turned to face him and look at his handsome face, smiling and hopeful.
I gave him a sad smile back and his face fell. I hated causing that.
“I wanted to catch you, see if you’ve thought about what I said…”
“I have thought about it.”
“And you don’t feel the same way.” His eyes looked misty and it took me aback. I hadn’t expected that.
“I do. I do feel the same way.”
“But?”
“But I can’t do that to Tom.”
“Come to my room, we’ll talk.”
“And what if Tom comes up? He’ll wonder where I am.”
“Then let’s meet in the morning. Before breakfast. We’ll go for another walk.”
“I don’t think there’s much more to say. I’m sorry, Jasper.”
“There’s so, so very much more to say. Please. If you want to be with him, I won’t make a fuss. But please just let me have you to myself one more time. Just for an hour. We’ll meet early, before Tom wakes. Say 7am? Go for a walk?”
I sighed. I couldn’t resist the idea of being alone with him one last time either.
“Okay,” I smiled at his handsome face, which was lit up again.
“Good night, then.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. Then he moved his head slightly and his lips were on mine and I kissed him back for a few seconds before pushing him away.
“Sorry,” he said, giving me a puppy dog sad look.
“I should be angry with you.”
“But you’re not.”
“No.”
“Doesn’t that say it all?”
“This weekend was supposed to be about you making things right, about bringing the guys back together. And instead you go and kiss Tom’s girlfriend?”
“I met you first.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
“You’re always trying to get me to do the right thing. You did back then, and you are again now.”
“It’d be good if you listened.”
“I did listen. I gave up smoking. I went back to rehab. I cleaned up my act.”
“That wasn’t me. It was losing your father. Don’t make me out to be some sort of guardian angel who’ll fix all your problems. You’re confusing your feelings for me because I was there when you needed someone. That doesn’t mean you know me. Or that we’re supposed to be together.”
“But we are supposed to be together.”
“How do you know?”
“We just are. And you know it.”
I laughed. It didn’t sound like me. It sounded scared.
“I need to go to bed,” I said, turning to go and resisting the urge to pull him in to kiss me again.
“Good night, Ellen.”
“Good night, Jasper.”
Of course, I couldn’t sleep. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put my nightdress on. I turned off all the lights and stared at the ceiling, replaying conversations with Jasper from the original night we were together, from France, from this weekend.
Were his feelings for me genuine? Had he ever had a really serious relationship? I doubted it. I knew him so well, yet so little.
He was willing to risk ruining things with Tom again.
And I couldn’t let that happen. So, back to earlier, my mind was made up. Yet I couldn’t get his words out of my head.
My mind in a spin, I eventually fell asleep. I heard Tom creep in, slide into bed and smelled his beer breath as he snuggled in next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I slept sounder after that.
Until 6am.
I didn’t want to meet with Jasper. When I saw him, I doubted my decision. It was best to avoid him.
Yet I had to tell him I’d made my choice, didn’t I? He wouldn’t give up until I firmly put him in his place and told him that Tom was the one for me.
Tom was fast asleep and snoring lightly, so I slowly slipped out of his arms and went into the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake him with the shower, and thanked the genius who invented dry shampoo as I sprayed a load over myself and had a quick wash at the sink. Clean clothes, and I was ready to go. I slipped out of the bedroom and went down to the lobby.
For the second time in my life, there was Jasper Ryan in the hotel lobby. But this time I didn’t slink back. He was waiting for me and a big grin spread over his face.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d come,” he said as we stepped outside.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me neither.”
We set off down a stony path, leading towards the woods he’d got me lost in.
“First of all, let me say that while I’m flattered about your feelings for me, I think that this is all to do with your father dying.”
“You’re talking shit, Ellen.”
I looked at him, my jaw open.
“I’m sorry but you are.”
“How so?”
“You’re going to say that I am attached to you because you were there for me the night before my father died.”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s partly true. You were there for me, and I will always be grateful for that.”
“Well, you’re welcome.”
“But what I liked about you wasn’t that you were there. You spoke straight to me. You told me exactly what you felt and I liked that. I listened to you like I�
��d never listened to anyone before. I don’t know why, but I just felt this connection with you and I respected you enough to take your advice.”
“Well, I’m flattered.”
“I even told my dad about you, when I got there.”
“Well, that’s nice.” I was really flattered now.
“You know what he said?”
“What?”
“He said, keep hold of her. She sounds like the girl for you.”
“And that’s why you’re here now?”
“He also told me that he knew he wanted to marry my mother the day they met.”
“That’s wonderful for them.”
“And when he said that, I knew. I knew you were the only one for me. You don’t understand how much I tried to find you. There are more Ellen Falcons out there than you’d think.”
“But you didn’t look that hard, you’d have found me surely? You knew I lived in Milton Keynes.”
“I got frustrated when I lost my phone. And what with Dad dying, I just went off the wagon. I knew I had to clean up my act before I could approach you. So I went back to rehab. Sorted myself out. Looked for you again. And I found you.”
“What?”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this.
“I wasn’t going to tell you this but I did find you again, and you were with someone. I think his name was Jonathan? So I figured it was too late and I backed off.”
“How did you find me and how did you know about Jon?”
“I hired a private investigator.”
I laughed then. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“So you see, I knew you were the one for me, just from that one night.”
“And you called me a stalker!”
“You see, we’re so similar!”
I shook my head. He was grinning but I couldn’t grin back.
We were walking between the trees, it was quiet apart from the occasional bird singing. It was peaceful and in any other circumstances I’d have thought it romantic.
“What’s the difference between then and now? I had a boyfriend, you backed off. I have another boyfriend, so why are you saying all this?”
“Seeing you again… it’s just made me realise how much I want you. How strongly I feel about you.”
“You don’t know me. That night was seven years ago.”
“And I’ve thought about you every day since.”
“Even when you were shagging Felicity?”
He blushed. “Even then.”
I laughed. Well, there was an odd claim to fame. That I’d have to keep to myself.
“Now I know this probably sounds crazy, but won’t you give me the chance to prove to you that I’m serious? You think I’d risk my friendship with Tom all over again if I wasn’t?”
“You haven’t seen him in ten years.”
“He’s still one of the best friends I’ve ever had. He’s like a brother to me. I want him back in my life.”
“And you think he’d just be okay with you stealing me away?”
“It’d be hard at first but I think he’d understand when he saw how happy we were.”
“You’re delusional.”
He laughed nervously.
“Tom isn’t part of this equation though. Not really. What I really need to know is how you feel about me.”
I hesitated, then decided to tell the truth.
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
There was a wooden bench and I went and sat on it. He sat beside me and we both looked out at the rolling hills in the distance.
“I just don’t. You know I had a crush on you, or the perception I had of you, from a young age. You know we connected that night in London. You know I’m attracted to you. But I don’t know if I can trust you. And I don’t know what it’d be like to be with you. You live a pretty roller-coaster life.”
“And how do you feel about Tom?”
“I think I love him.”
“You think?”
I looked at him. He was staring at his feet, swinging them back and forth.
“I’m not going to be responsible for breaking you guys up again.”
“So you choose Four Apes getting back together over being with me?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
He shook his head. “That’s crazy.”
“If I stay with Tom, you and I can be friends.”
“What if I can’t do that?”
“You can.”
We sat in silence for a while, staring out at the view again. I wondered what time Tom might get up.
“I guess that’s it then. You love him. I get the feeling there’s nothing I can say or do that’ll persuade you to leave him, to try with me.”
There was plenty he could say or do. He could beg me. He could kiss me again. He could just touch my hand, and I didn’t think I’d be able to stop him. But I forced my mind to think of Tom and I stood up.
“I’m sorry. Shall we walk back?”
He got up too, and we walked slowly and in silence. A thousand unspoken words between us.
“Maybe in a parallel universe somewhere, you didn’t get your phone stolen,” I said, smiling at him. “Maybe in that world we ended up together.”
He smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, maybe. Maybe by now we’re married with kids.”
“Maybe the magic has gone and you’re screwing groupies.”
“I’d never do that. I’d be so in love with you.”
I stopped, and he took a few more steps and then turned to face me.
“What?”
“You can’t say stuff like that.”
He shrugged. “You’re always honest with me. I was just being honest with you.”
I carried on walking and he stepped in beside me.
“Maybe we fight all the time in that world,” I said. “And maybe we’re unhappy.”
“I doubt it, but if it makes you feel better.”
“It does.”
We came towards the edge of the trees, up ahead were the gardens of the house. I stopped.
“Jasper, I just want to say one thing. One last thing and then we’ll never talk of this again, okay?”
He looked at me, his blue eyes staring into mine and, once again, I told him the truth.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And if I’d never met Tom, things would be very different. I do have feelings for you. I just wanted you to know that.”
I leaned forward, wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He held me there for a few moments. I didn’t want to let go, but I had to.
I pulled myself away, carefully not looking at his face to resist any further temptation. And then I ran. I ran across the grass, through the lobby, up the stairs, and to my bedroom door.
I stopped outside, caught my breath, then opened it slowly. Tom was still asleep.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“So I think we’re going to meet up again, like this, chat some more. Maybe consider doing another album,” Tom told me as he brushed his teeth.
“Wow,” I said, genuinely happy for a few seconds before I considered that that meant a huge lifestyle change for Tom, and Jasper being in our lives much more regularly.
I watched him at the sink. He was such a lovely guy, so easy to get along with, so loveable. We were just as the start of our relationship and I had to hope and believe that it’d be smoother running for us from here on. Surely it had to be.
We went down for breakfast, Jasper was already there chatting to Jane and pulling apart a croissant. They greeted us as we sat down.
“I love it here,” I said, looking out at the window. The sun was lighting up the grass outside. “I could totally live here.”
“Me too,” echoed Jasper. “I could see myself living somewhere exactly like this.”
I ignored him and took a croissant from a platter in the middle of the table. We were still in our private dining room, hiding from the st
ares of other guests.
“Not me,” said Tom. Huh. It’s like he was playing into Jasper’s hands. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows.
“No?” I asked. I liked his house in Kensington but London was so busy.
“That’s why I’ve never moved to France full-time. I like the city.”
I glanced at Jasper who was smiling at me. No doubt enjoying himself.
“You two better learn how to compromise then,” chuckled Jane. I smiled at her.
“I can persuade her to my line of thinking,” Tom said, drinking some coffee. I resisted the urge to look up at Jasper again, but I could feel his eyes on me.
Soon George, Alex and Heidi joined us and conversation resumed about when they might meet up again, and whether writing songs together was a possibility. They were all enthusiastic and I was delighted at the prospect of a new Four Apes album.
“Shall we get going then?” Tom asked, after everyone had finished eating. We went up to our room and packed up our things. I didn’t say much. I couldn’t focus on being natural when so much was spinning in my head.
We all met by our cars and hugs were given.
“It’s not too late,” Jasper whispered in my ear as I hugged him. I didn’t reply, but turned swiftly to the car and got in. I was driving as Tom was still pretty hung-over.
“You’re quiet,” Tom said, half an hour into the journey.
“So are you.”
“I’m hung-over.”
“I’m tired, we went to bed late.”
“Yes.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Very much, and thank you for coming.”
“No problem, I enjoyed it too.”
“Is something bothering you?”
Darn it, why did he have to notice?
“Nope, just tired.”
“Is it what we said at the dining table? Sorry, I’m just attached to London I guess. Not going to get me to move out of the city easily.”
“I just find London so busy. I guess I like the idea of moving somewhere quieter.”
“Do you miss Milton Keynes?”
“No, it’s not that. I’ve just always wanted to move to the country, find a pretty little village.”
“Jasper has a house in a village in Surrey. I visited him there once, didn’t suit him really, but I think he still owns it. Was a really quiet little place. You’d get bored there, believe me.”
The Truth About Ellen: A feel-good romantic comedy Page 20
