by Liz Tipping
But then I’d been late for registration again and Sister Mary Margaret was waiting outside the Science block for me at break time. She gave me a clear polythene bag along with some sharp words and pointed me towards the playing field. If I got back to Sister with a full bag before the end of break, I might have still had time to join Stubbs and Verity for a piece of soggy cheese and tomato pizza in the steamed-up dining hall. If I didn’t manage a full bag of litter within the first few minutes, I’d have to spend the whole of break out there freezing my backside off. I made my way towards the fence where the crisps packets gathered.
That’s when I first saw Daniel. He was leaning on the fence drawing on a sketch pad and as I approached he looked up, ran his hands through his Judd Nelson–style curtains of hair and indicated my litter bag with his pencil. He nodded at me in acknowledgement. He wore a checked flannel shirt over his uniform and I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
He walked over. “What you in for?” he asked, eyeing me up and down as if to assess my crime.
“Late,” I said.
“Yeah.” He nodded wisely, looking deep in thought, and gave another flick of his curtains.
“What about you?” I asked.
“This,” he said. He pointed to his blazer pocket where he had torn off his school badge and sewn on a Nirvana patch. “They’re so oppressive here. They don’t let us express ourselves, you know? They said I’ve got detention every break until I take it off and wear their school propaganda, but I said this place was an oppressive regime and it was symbolic of that, you know?”
I nodded, even though I didn’t have the foggiest what he was going on about. I studied him and noticed his trousers were ripped – not through wear and tear; I suspected he had done it himself.
“So, do you want to split this lot between us then?” I asked, pointing at the crisps packets. “We’ve still got fifteen minutes of break left. Or are you just going to stand there and doodle?”
He shook his head. He ripped a page out of his sketchbook, screwed it up and threw it among the other litter.
“Didn’t you like that one then?” I asked, picking it up and putting it in my litter bag.
“Art is meaningless,” he said, motioning his head towards his crumpled-up paper. “And it means everything. You know?”
My God, he was amazing. He was different to all the other boys at school, apart from the curtains haircuts – they all had those, of course, but Daniel was different. Daniel looked like a rock star and he had noticed me. I had spent years trying not to be noticed, but here I was enjoying the attention.
“I don’t know really,” I said. “I wasn’t allow to do art because…well, I can’t draw to save my life and there was that time in pottery where I made the My Little Pony penholder that exploded in the kiln, so I don’t think Mrs Kelly likes me much. So I do Office Studies and Information Processing.”
“Yeah?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah. It’s perretttty cool,” I said, trying not to cringe over telling him about the penholder and not sounding like I was cool at all. My social skills were underdeveloped as it was and here I was trying to talk to this rock star of a boy.
“Yeah,” he said, nodding and staring intently. The wind whipped up around us sending the litter up in the air and I instinctively tried to grab them like I was a Crystal Maze contestant. I grabbed a drinks carton and a pickled onion Monster Munch packet and then I stumbled trying to reach for a Wham bar wrapper, which left me nearly upside down.
“Stay there! Stay still,” he shouted.
“What? Right here? Like this?” I was bent over, nearly upside down, unsteady on my feet and talking to him through my legs.
He used his hands to frame me like a film director and then frantically sketched. “Don’t move,” he said, “I’ve nearly got it.”
I could feel blood rushing to my head due to the whole being upside down business. I tried to steady myself by placing my hands on the ground, but the grass was wet and my hands slipped forward, taking the rest of upper body with them. My feet stayed where they were so I landed on my knees.
“Sorry,” I said, wondering what the hell I was playing at. “I slipped.”
He tore the page from the book and handed it to me.
“Erm…thanks?” I said, staring at the page.
“It’s the wrong way up,” he said.
“Oh right.” I turned the page the other way round. “What is it?” I asked squinting.
“It’s how I see you,” he said. And then he left. He was walking off towards the school gates when Sister Mary Margaret went chasing after him.
*
“And what the bloody hell is that supposed to be?” said Verity after break when I passed the drawing to her in double English.
“He said it was how he sees me.” I think Daniel was the first boy ever to notice me.
“He sees you as a weird egg-shaped head, standing underneath a climbing frame?” she asked.
“They’re my legs,” I said, trying to wipe my still-dirty knees with soggy school toilet paper.
“Why are you holding a giant Wham bar?”
I shrugged.
April Webster turned round from the seat in front of us, talking to me for the first time in over a year.
“What are you two looking at?” she sneered and snatched the drawing.
“Daniel drew it,” I said.
“Daniel Rose?” she asked.
“Yes, Daniel Rose.”
Daniel, the only person to notice me.
*
After April had very slowly and carefully enunciated every single syllable in his name, and added in a few extra ones for good measure, she smiled a tight grin. She stared directly at me for longer than was comfortable, and said, “I’ll get you some tickets. We can sell them behind the bar.”
As she flounced off she took another glance back over her shoulder. She walked away towards her friends who were all sniggering and whispering behind their hands and I felt, once again, like I did at school.
The news that Daniel Rose was back in town filled me with a sense of unease. “Well, that sounds about as much fun as sticking hot needles in your eye,” Verity said. “You can count me out, for a start. What a waste of babysitting fees that would be. Talking of which, I’ll have another please, Stubbs. Time is money and all that. You’re not going are you, Cara? Cara?”
“What?” I said, still distracted. “Oh, no.” I shook my head. “Absolutely not. Especially not if he’s going.” I shivered and my face went hot all at the same time.
“Oh come on, you’re not still bothered about what happened all those years ago are you? It’s such a trivial little thing. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on it!” said Verity. She tutted and looked more than a little disappointed in me.
“Hey, I might go, you know,” said Stubbs whose gaze was still drawn in April’s direction, his tongue almost hanging out.
“What? You’re joking aren’t you?” I said, in disbelief. “I thought you didn’t like her.” I felt like Stubbs was being disloyal.
“She’s all right,” he said. “Okay she was a bit of a dick at school, but she’s okay now. People change you know.”
“I suppose so,” I said, still feeling hurt. Stubbs and April together? It seemed preposterous. “You’re seriously after April? You?” As soon as I said it, I realised how it sounded. I could tell by his face I had hurt his feelings. He thought I was saying he wasn’t good enough for her. “I didn’t mean it like that, Stubbs. I just meant that I didn’t think she was your type.”
“I know exactly what you meant, Cara.” He walked off to the other end of the bar where one of April’s friend was demanding cocktails no one had ever heard of.
“Ouch,” said Verity, wincing. “That was a bit harsh, Cara.”
“It just came out,” I said. “I didn’t mean anything by it. But she wouldn’t go for someone like Stubbs would she? Stubbs and April? Come on. Doesn’t seem r
ight does it?”
“I dunno,” said Verity. She looked over at Stubbs. “He’s not bad-looking, Stubbs. He’s just a bit rough around the edges, like there’s something missing. He needs a bit of confidence, yes, but he could totally get off with April if he wanted.”
Although he had been shy, he used to be so passionate about so many things like music and art, and he loved photography. He’d always had his camera with him. Now he seemed to be content calling bingo numbers. It had taken the battered sausage revelation to make me realise my ambition had been diminishing rapidly ever since I had returned. I reckoned Stubbs would need a battered sausage revelation of his own if he was to get anywhere career wise and I wondered for a moment if I could make that happen. He’d certainly need a bit of oomph if he was to get anywhere with April. April had made such a success of her life and I couldn’t see her wanting to so much as look at Stubbs. I watched him with April’s friend as she giggled when he offered her alternatives to cocktails.
“Whereas me, I don’t think anyone would ask me out,” added Verity checking herself out in the mirror behind the bar, pulling at her imaginary wrinkles. “I look so knackered, I don’t think even Divvy would want to get off with me.”
I hadn’t even considered any of the guys from round here as possibilities for romantic potential. I wasn’t staying anyway, I told myself, so I had no time for that. I’d be leaving as soon as I’d worked out what I was going to do. I wanted some magic in my life, my own special moments, and I wasn’t going to find any round here. Maybe it was time for me to leave? Daniel Rose did hold a bit of an appeal but he’d moved on. He’d done something interesting, unlike Stubbs or Divvy.
“As if you would even consider Divvy,” I said and laughed.
Poor Divvy. He did seem to be in a worse state than usual, even for a Saturday. Verity gave him a quick prod to check he was still breathing.
“I don’t think I could bear it – a school reunion, Vee,” I said. “Can you imagine it? It will be all: What do you do? Where do you live? Are you married? Didn’t you move away? How come you are back here?”
“We don’t have to go,” said Verity.
“I don’t want to go and admit I am a complete loser who has been working in a video shop as a Saturday assistant. That’s if anyone even remembers who I am. I need to sort myself out a proper job before I go, but yeah, sod it, I’m going. I’ve missed out all these years. I’d quite like a send-off. And I wouldn’t mind seeing Daniel Rose,” I said.
Verity shook her head. “Really? You’re going there?”
“Why not?” I said. I could think of plenty reasons why not, the main one being that Daniel Rose might not even know who I was.
April and her friends giggled as they left, probably off to the swanky café bar along the High Street. Then Verity declared wearily that it was time for her to leave too.
Verity loved being a mum but always said she resented having to be home by eleven-thirty on a Saturday night so her babysitters could go out on the town. I usually stayed and helped Stubbs clean up when she left, but after what I’d said earlier, I wasn’t sure that was a good idea, or that he would want me around. So as Verity put her coat on, I pulled mine on too.
“And where do you think you’re going, Dunham?” Stubbs said. He was still not smiling, but I didn’t think he was cross with me any more.
“Verity’s going, so I’ll walk back with her now,” I said, studying his face for some kind of reaction or a little tell.
“Take your coat off, Cara. You haven’t paid for that drink yet, so you’ll have to work it off. Go and get some glasses in.” And then came the wink, the one that let me know I was off the hook, and then a little smile that let me know we were friends again.
“Do you mind if I stay a bit?” I asked Verity.
“Go for it,” she said. “I’d be demanding a lock-in if the kids were at their dad’s tonight. Have fun.”
Verity hugged me and left. After everyone else had gone home and Stubbs had locked up, he poured us both a pint of cider and black. “For old time’s sake, let’s relive our youth,” he said as he came and sat at the other side of the bar with me.
“I’m sorry, Stubbs,” I said and moved a bit closer to him. “I didn’t mean what I said; it just came out wrong. I was just surprised, is all. I didn’t think April would be your type?”
“My type?” he said. “I should be so lucky as to have a type. But it’s all right. You’re probably right, anyway.”
“It’s just how her friends teased us, do you remember?”
“We were just kids, Cara. Anyway, I probably won’t be asking her out because apart from anything else, I wouldn’t even know how to ask a woman out. You know I’ve never asked a woman out in my life?”
“What? Seriously? You must have done. What about Kim at uni?” I was surprised by his admission. Verity was right; perhaps he did just need a bit of confidence.
“Nope,” he said taking a swig of his drink and pulling a face. I wasn’t sure if it was the taste of this once-loved cider and black or his revelation. “It just sort of happened. And she’s the only girlfriend I ever had, so there was never a call for me to ask anyone out.”
“I can’t believe you’ve never asked anyone out! Maybe you ought to try it. Just to see what happens.”
“Yeah? All right then.” He raised an eyebrow, took a breath in and took my hand. “Cara Dunham. Will you please, please, go out with me?” he said.
I had to stop myself from spitting my drink out. After a moment or two when it was touch and go, I managed to swallow it, regain composure and then I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. Stubbs pulled his hand away and folded his arms.
“You see, that’s exactly the reaction I would get if I asked a real woman out. You’ve crushed me, Cara. Besides, you’re right. April is fit as. And if you won’t go out with me, there’s no chance she would.”
“Thanks a bloody lot.”
He was now feigning devastation and clutching at his heart. He made me laugh so much. “Okay, what about you then? I saw your face when April mentioned Daniel Rose.”
“Oh I know. I don’t know if I could stand seeing him, Stubbs. It would remind me of how awful things were back then – plus I reckon I’d probably go weak at the knees or something or have a nervous breakdown.” I was cringing just at the thought of it.
“Weird how some people get you like that isn’t it?” said Stubbs.
“I know,” I said laughing. “I can’t help it. Just hearing his name makes me crush all over again like a teenager.”
Stubbs laughed. “Come on then, I’ll walk you back.” He drummed on his thighs to spur himself into action. “I’ll just get my coat and wake Divvy up.”
Stubbs bundled a protesting Divvy into a taxi outside. He paid the driver and gave him Divvy’s address. We walked past a group of teenagers on the way. The boys were full of beer and bravado and one swung from the roof of the bus stop as the girls giggled. The last bus heading out into the nearest city centre arrived and took them all off on an adventure.
“Fancy joining them?” asked Stubbs.
“Nah. Not really dressed for it. Anyway, too many people, all queuing up for half an hour to get served, over-the-top prices. Can’t believe I am actually saying this but I think I prefer the social club,” I said.
“Well, the Broad Hampton social club does have its good points.”
“The staff not being one of them.”
“Right, that’s you barred, Cara.”
“Anyway, you’re not exactly dressed for it are you?” I said pointing to his bingo caller’s uniform.
“So, Daniel then?”
“Yeah, Daniel,” I said. “Are you going to go? Shall we go to the reunion, just to see what it’s like?”
Stubbs shrugged. “Maybe. It might be fun.”
“I’m going to go,” I said. “I have to go. I can’t keep being afraid of what people will think. I’m applying for jobs first thing on Monday. Don’t you ever wan
t to move away again?”
“No, I like it, here.” He was telling the truth; it seemed enough for him. “Like, today, oh listen to this right, we had a right laugh because one of the bingo balls went missing and turned out Jim had it in his pocket all along.” He chuckled to himself.
“Stubbs, that’s quite possibly one of the most boring stories involving a bingo ball I have ever heard.”
Stubbs stopped laughing. “Yeah, it is, I suppose. You had to be there.”
“No, I didn’t,” I said. “I can tell that being there would possibly make it even more boring.”
Stubbs laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. I suppose it was really boring.”
I wondered if Stubbs was having a battered sausage revelation as well.
“You used to want to do so much, Stubbs. So did I. And look at us, still here.”
“Yeah, well things change,” said Stubbs. “And I like working at the club. I like seeing people’s faces when they win. It’s nice; I like making people happy.”
He tilted his head to the side and looked at me quizzically.
“But you’re definitely thinking of leaving again?” he said.
I nodded.
“Reckon you’ll still be here for April’s party?” he said.
“Yeah.” I wasn’t convinced it would be such a good idea. Being the invisible girl at school, I wasn’t sure if anyone would even know who I was. At least Stubbs had an identity of sorts, even if he was the original geek.
“It will be fun,” he said, trying to convince himself.
“Will it?” I said, very much unconvinced, but I didn’t want to miss out this time. “I just don’t want to go and feel like a complete loser with my glorified Saturday job, not having achieved anything.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” he said, stopping in the road outside the chippy. He gestured up and down himself. “Look at me, I’m an even bigger loser than you. At least you went out there and tried to make a go of it and you’re thinking of trying again.”
“You could too,” I said.
He shrugged. “Think I’ve missed the boat on that one.”
I felt like Stubbs could begin to do the things he enjoyed again. He was just lacking in confidence. Maybe it was the same for me. I got the impression from a few of the things he’d said that he’d been so busy supporting Kim in her career when he lived away, that he’d slotted into her life down south and there wasn’t much room for Stubbs to flourish. I studied him for a while and he looked distracted like something was troubling him. His face slightly screwed up. I think that’s what your face looks like when you are having a battered sausage revelation.
