by Liz Tipping
“Now, I’ll press it and you be the T-rex,” I insisted.
“No,” he said, suddenly looking sheepish as an elderly couple and some tourists walked past.
“Go on,” I said, egging him on. Then I pressed the buttons and did the T-rex mime to show him how it was done.
“Okay,” he said.
I held my hand over the button and said, “Go!” The T-rex roared, and Stubbs jumped into action as he roared and started to attack me with his pretend claws. It was an utterly convincing performance. He had his elbows tucked in at his waist and made swipes at me. His little T-rex arms were quite impressive and a teeny bit scary so I erupted with nervous giggles. Sensing my fear, he took another swipe, which caused me to turn and run off along the corridor shrieking hysterically. Me and Stubbs, we were the most uncool people ever and I loved it.
I hid behind a glass display unit of fossils. I’d lost him, so to the other museum visitors, I may have looked a little unhinged. Then I felt two sharp jabs in my side and more T-rex roaring, followed by a full-on tickling attack. I couldn’t breathe with laughter. He held me tight around the waist and picked me up, his monster noises louder and louder.
“Put me down,” I yelled at him, my legs kicking as I struggled to get my breath back from laughing so much. At which point he nearly dropped me. I wriggled free from him and steadied myself by holding on to his upper arms, while he was stood there laughing at me.
“Oh man, I love you, Cara, your face is a picture,” he said, still laughing.
“What?” I said letting go of his arms. “What did you say?”
“Your face. You’d think I really was a T-rex from the way you were carrying on,” he said, still laughing and then came that friendly slap on the arm again. The one that made me feel we were firmly friend-zoned. “You’re hysterical.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I’m going to have to get back. I’ve got work. You coming for a drink?”
“Actually, I might stay a bit,” I said, suddenly feeling really confused. What was he going on about – saying he loved me? He never said stuff like that. He was probably just messing about. I did wonder for a second if there was anything in it, but I decided I was just being stupid. It was April he was interested in after all. I wondered if I told him I was having feelings for him, how he would react. Would he think I was joking?
“You sure?” he said.
“Yeah, I’ll pop in later.” I returned his slap on the arm. Me and Stubbs – friends.
I watched him walk along the hall, a little skip in his step as he bounced down the ornate stairs of the gallery.
I stayed for a while and went along to the gift shop where I saw a dinosaur colouring book and a fossils one. I bought one of each and a set of colouring pencils. Along with an eraser with a T-rex on it and a pencil with a plastic stegosaurus on the top.
*
After I left the gift shop in the museum and art gallery, I made my way to the bus where I spent the journey colouring in the T-rex pink, orange and purple. I was rather proud, as I didn’t once go over the lines although there were a few tricky moments with potholes. Then I scrawled at the top: “To Stubbs, See I do know how to do art. Love Cara.” I tore the page out and stood up to get off the bus when an advertisement over the door of the bus caught my eye. It was just perfect for mine and Stubbs’s next training session. Just perfect.
I hopped off the bus and into the pub, full of exuberance. Stubbs was stood behind the bar, smiling at me.
I presented him with his drawing and he laughed and said, “Thank you.”
“Are you working Friday night?” I said.
“What have you got in mind now?” he said. “If it’s bowling or something else where you have to wear other people’s shoes, forget it.”
“It’s not. I promise.”
“I’m working anyway.”
“Get Verity to cover. Or ask Kelly to come in,” I said. “Honest, Stubbs, this is such a genius idea.”
“Okay,” he agreed.
“You’re going to love me. Love it, I mean, love it, not me,” I said.
Chapter Thirteen
“Well hello there, someone looks rather glamorous.” Verity looked at me in approval and handed me my change. It was the weekend and I was wearing my new, old dress. She was working Stubbs’s shift for him so he could come out with me. So we met up in the club.
“Yeah, you do actually,” said Divvy. “You scrub up well. There’s something different about you… I can’t work out what it is.”
It was early Friday evening and he was pretty coherent. Judging by his clothes, he had come straight from work. He was without his beloved parka and you’d never believe he was the same person who drank in here on Saturdays.
“Why, thank you, Verity.” I curtsied to Verity and then raised my glass to Divvy. “And thank you, Divvy. Cheers.”
I pulled my cardigan closed across my new dress, hoping Divvy wouldn’t work out what it was and draw attention to me.
“I can’t believe you’re wearing yellow. It really suits you,” Verity said. “So did you get the rush when you saw it,” Verity asked. “Will you have to sell a kidney?”
“No,” I said. “It just felt kind of nice, like it had always been mine.”
“You look really nice,” said Divvy. He was sweet really. I think he must have noticed my embarrassment.
“Thanks,” I said. Divvy gave an approving nod. “Where’s Stubbs then?”
“He’s just changing a barrel,” said Divvy. “He’s a bit dressed up you know. He’s got a shirt on. What’s the crack with you two then? Big date is it?”
“Not exactly,” I said.
“Have you told him what you have planned?” asked Verity, grinning.
I shook my head and laughed. “No! Oh my God, he’s actually going to kill me, isn’t he?”
Stubbs appeared at the cellar door wearing a crisp white shirt, very dark blue jeans and a mischievous grin. He leant against the door for moment and folded his arms.
“Shall I call us a cab then?” he said, taking his phone from his back pocket. “Where shall I tell them we’re going?” He winked at me.
“You’re not catching me out that easily,” I said. My phone bleeped with a text and I turned towards the door to see a taxi pulling up. “I’ve already called one and if I’m not mistaken, then this will be it. So shall we?”
I’d barely had a sip of my wine so I offered what was left to Divvy, but he waved it away.
“Now, there’s something I never thought I’d see,” said Verity. “Divvy McDavidson turning down a free drink.” She swiped it up and started drinking it herself.
“Oi, you, you’re meant to working,” said Stubbs and winked at her. “You behave yourself. I don’t want you half cut and it getting busy.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen somehow,” said Verity, moving her arms wide to indicate the fairly empty bar.
“Well okay then, just don’t get drinking all the non-existent profits. We’ll see you later.”
As we turned to leave, April arrived with one of her friends.
“Off out guys?” she said, playing with the ends of her hair and looking Stubbs up and down.
“Yeah,” said Stubbs.
I pulled my cardigan even tighter in case she noticed my dress, but she was too busy looking at Stubbs.
*
“It’s not bowling is it?”
“No,” I said. “If you must know and can’t wait the whole one minute until we get there, then I shall give you a hint. What better way to get comfortable with asking someone out on a date, than actually going on a date? So, we’re going on a date.”
“A date?” He laughed. “Me and you?”
“Yeah a date.”
“Cool,” he said.
“Is it?” I said.
“Yeah, it is.”
The taxi pulled up outside the bar. It looked like it was heaving inside, flooded by purple neon lighting bouncing off shiny black
marble pillars. I suddenly got flustered.
“You’re not nervous are you?” He leant across me to open the cab door. I felt the warmth of him against me and he smelled so nice I leaned over a little bit to take in another noseful, but he sat back up before I had a chance to move away and the back of his head met with my chin.
“Ow! That bloody hurt,” I said.
“How do you think my head feels?” He rubbed his head and screwed up his eyes.
We stepped out and went to a girl sat at a table just inside the door. She asked my name.
“What’s going on here?” Stubbs asked. “Did you book a table? Wow, it really is a date.”
The woman looked up and smirked. “And your name?” she said to Stubbs. That’s when Stubbs began to click what was going on and went kind of pale and sweaty.
“A word, Cara?” He motioned me to step back from the table.
“I’ll just be a minute,” I said to the woman.
“What’s going on? Why is she writing a sticker with a name on?”
“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “It’s not exactly a date, date. Not with you and me. It’s kind of like lots of dates.”
Stubbs breathed out really slowly.
“Oh. My. God. You’re taking me speed dating? How could you…” He ran his hands through his hair and started breathing quickly and began to pace.
“I knew you’d be like this, but trust me, it’s just what you need. Now come on.”
“This is the worst idea ever,” he said, still pacing. “Worse than ice skating.”
“We’re going to have to go through with it, because I’ve already paid,” I said, being assertive for once. “Now, in you come.”
Stubbs headed straight over to the bar, with me tagging along behind him. He ordered two pints.
“I wasn’t going to have a pint,” I said. “I was going to have—” He started knocking back his drink like it was the last pint of Peroni on earth. He paused after drinking half of it.
“They’re for me.” He resumed drinking, but picked up the second pint in his other hand before I took it off him and claimed it as my own.
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit? What’s the worst that could happen?”
“What if no one gives me a tick or whatever it is they have to do?”
He was still sweating and still pacing and I felt bad. “Look, if you really don’t want to do it, we’ll go. I only wanted to help.”
“No, it’s all right,” he said after finishing the whole drink and slamming it down on the counter. “We’ll stay.” He rubbed his hands together and shuffled on the spot, breathed out a lot, looking a bit like a woman about to go into labour.
“Yeah it will be fine,” I said, feeling panicky myself. “It’s just five dates in ten minutes. I mean, where’s the problem with that? How hard could it be?”
The receptionist woman who was also doubling as the compère took to a tiny stage. She was using very elaborate arm gestures and had a touch of Effie Trinket about her as she announced, “Begin.”
People dashed to a long table in the centre of the room, gravitating towards the centre of it. I naturally went to take a seat opposite Stubbs, but he waved me away and sat by a girl with long dark hair who reminded me of April. All the other seats nearby were taken, so I ended up at the other end of the table.
I was annoyed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear what he was saying from where he was. I had to lean in and put my head forward a little bit to see him properly. I edged myself a bit further until I was practically lying on the desk and I realised my head and upper body were right in the middle of the couple to my right. I apologised and wriggled back into my site to find Date Number One looking at me.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.” I pulled myself forward a bit to see Stubbs was looking quite comfortable, not saying much but smiling, elbow on the table and resting his head on his hand. It looked like he was a strange mix of interested and bored at the same time.
“So what do you like to do?” Date Number One said. I noticed he had really, really wiry hair, not completely Brillo pad style, just very coarse-looking. I also noticed it looked like the top of his face didn’t match the bottom – like he was two different people.
“Oh what me?” I said, simultaneously trying to steer my gaze away from his extraordinary hair, and also get a good view of Stubbs. A large stopwatch near the stage showed that I didn’t have much time. “Oh well, I like ice skating and I like art – you know all the stuff that’s all splodgy and looks like a child’s done it. That stuff. And the thing is, a child didn’t do it.” I put my serious face on. “It was an adult.”
He nodded, a lot. I think I had alarmed him with my extensive knowledge of the splodge-painting genre. I caught another teeny glimpse of Stubbs and carried on talking to wool hair.
“Sorry, could I just…” I moved his drink out of the way so I could get my arms into a position where I could get a better look at Stubbs, not realising it would put my face directly opposite Date Number One’s face.
“Erm, hi there,” he said again.
I turned my face to him. “And I like all the bands. And Nirvana, of course,” I lied. “But Soundgarden are my favourite,” I added proudly. “What about you?”
“I love—” he began when the buzzer went off. “Never mind.”
“Yeah, never mind,” I said and shooed him away with my hands. He and all the other men got up and moved one along. I could get a better look at Stubbs from here as he moved a seat closer.
“Do you go to the gym?” said Date Number Two before even introducing himself. He lowered himself into the chair slowly.
“Nooo, but I can see you do.” I had no doubt he spent every single waking hour in the gym. Stubbs was opposite a serious businessy-looking woman, who I noticed reached over and touched his hand, laughing at something he said. At least he was talking now.
“I’m a bit stiff. Just lifted 200 pounds,” said gym man, flexing his steroid-filled arms.
“Yes, yes. Well done,” I said, dismissively. The businesswoman was still touching Stubbs.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Date Number Two lifting imaginary dumb-bells and droning on about whey protein.
“If I wanted to,” he said, “I could help transform your body into a lean, mean fat-burning machine. How would you like that?”
I puffed my cheeks full of air and blew out and shrugged. “Erm. Not very much? At all?”
We sat in silence for what seemed like eternity when the buzzer finally went. I was only two seats away from Stubbs now when Date Number Three came along. Beard.
A long, long beard and some crazy-looking trousers.
“How’s it going?” he said, nodding all the time. “You’ve got a nice aura about you.”
“I have?” I asked. I had a quick scan around myself to see if I could see it.
“Yeah, man. Your aura is purple,” he said, stroking his beard.
“Are you sure it’s not just the lights in here? You know those ones that turn everything purple?” I asked, confused.
“Do you mind if we just sit here and don’t talk and absorb each other’s energy?” he asked, closing his eyes.
“I’m not sure really. Not sure I like the sound of that. What does it entail exactly?” What a weirdo. Stubbs was sat with a tiny blond woman and he was laughing, which for some reason I didn’t like at all. I don’t know why seeing him happy made me feel sad. The whole idea of embarking on this thing was to help Stubbs, but I was suddenly feeling really jealous. I told myself to get a grip. If I couldn’t handle him chatting to strangers, how would I feel when he asked April out and she said yes.
Beard guy was still sitting with his eyes closed when the buzzer went and Stubbs was at the next seat. He sat down and grinned at me as the girl next to me began to introduce herself to him.
“What are you doing?” I hissed at Stubbs before she had chance to say her name.
“What
do you mean?” he said looking embarrassed. He apologised to the girl next to me.
“You’re not supposed to be enjoying yourself,” I said.
“I’m not?”
“No, you’re meant to be getting off with April Webster, remember? This is just a practice.”
“Who’s April Webster?” said the girl, looking perplexed.
“She’s who Stubbs is meant to be asking out. That’s why we’re here.”
“I see,” said the girl. “Well why don’t you just ask April Webster out then, instead of coming speed dating?”
“Because he thinks she’ll say no,” I said.
“Why would she do that? That’s ridiculous. You’re well fit,” she said.
“I erm…” Stubbs hesitated and then said, “I’ve never asked anyone out.”
“You’re joking aren’t you? You should try it. Ask me out,” she said.
“What? Now? Here? Like, now?” asked Stubbs sitting up and pointing down at the table to indicate the present.
“Yeah, like now. Go on,” she said.
“Erm, no, sorry, I don’t think I can. Look, Cara, can we go?”
“All right,” I said holding my hands up. “Come on. Let’s get out of here. I agree this is awful.” And we left the table.
“It’s a shame that,” the girl shouted after us. “I would have absolutely said yes.”
*
Stubbs was looking so impressed with himself when we arrived back at the club. Verity and Divvy were sat at the end of the bar and April and her friends were sat in one of the snugs. Stubbs had, in the space of less than an hour, developed a swagger.
“How’d it go?” said Verity.
“It was awful,” I said at the same time as Stubbs said, “It was brilliant.”
“Well which was it?” said Divvy.
“Basically, Cara’s upset, because I totally scored, and Cara didn’t.” Stubbs put up his hand for Divvy to high-five him, which he did.
“That’s only because all the men there were complete weirdos and you were the only one there who was even slightly good-looking,” I said.
