I nodded, and when she was gone, I walked to the elevators to wait. I didn’t go tell Eddie where I was going. He was with Sadie, and right now, his focus should be on her.
My focus should be on me. I needed some time to myself. I needed to process… to cry.
I’d call him in a little while. He probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone.
“All ready?” Mary Beth asked when she came, keys in hand.
I fake smiled and nodded, and we were on our way. Thankfully, she didn’t want to make small talk or even go on and on about finding Sadie or how it happened. She was a comforting companion, actually, quiet but not cold. Silent but not awkward.
When she pulled up to Maggie’s, I laid my hand on her arm. “You would make a really good friend,” I told her.
She smiled. “I’m always here if you want to hang out.”
“Thank you,” I said and got out of the car.
When I walked into my room at Maggie’s, tears of relief, pain—I don’t know what else—filled my eyes and began to spill over. I ignored the wetness and the way it continued to rain from my eyes as I moved along selecting clean clothes and walking into the laundry room.
Elmo heard me and rushed downstairs. His little white body was like a ball of comfort. I sank onto the floor to greet him and ended up crying harder, holding him against my chest.
After a few minutes, the dog began to wiggle, wanting free. I set him down, and he licked my chin before running into my bedroom, probably looking for Eddie.
He wasn’t there.
He was with Sadie.
After pushing up off the floor, I stripped off my clothes. If I had the luxury of tossing them all in the trash, I would. But I didn’t have enough clothes to be so flippant with the ones I had. I would wash them up. The stench of the island would come out and the vomit would wash away.
Not that I would throw away the hoodie Eddie gave me. It could have the tears of Satan himself on it, and I still wouldn’t give it up.
Sadie had one now, too.
He’d wrapped her in it on the island.
I was a terrible person because when I saw him do it, I felt pain. Jealousy. Insecurity. It was wrong to feel that way; I knew. Sadie was cold, scared, and a victim. She was also his long-lost love. Even if she wasn’t all those things, Eddie would have given her the sweatshirt. Of course he would. That’s just the kind of man he was.
Good.
Kind.
Strong.
The man I loved intensely.
After I added the detergent and turned on the machine, I went through the laundry room into the adjoining bathroom and closed the door.
I set the water in the shower to hot and stood outside, waiting for it to grow warm. I glanced in the mirror above the sink.
Who are you?
Quickly, I turned away and stepped into the shower. More tears ran down my cheeks, mixed with the spray from the shower. I cried as I scrubbed my skin. I was rough because I felt so dirty. I wanted that place off me.
Too bad the answers I’d been so desperate to find weren’t that easy to wash away.
That was the thing about memories. About knowing vs not knowing.
You could never “unknow” it afterward.
Unless, of course, you jumped off something, tried to kill yourself, hit your head, and then were hit again with something else… Then you might unknow things…
Yeah.
I always feared I was living someone else’s life. There was always that doubt I wasn’t Sadie. Everyone voiced it. Over and over again. Even I doubted it at times. But time went on. It seemed more plausible every day.
Or maybe I just wanted it to be true more and more every day.
But with all the doubt, I never actually considered what would happen if I went to the island and found out I wasn’t Sadie.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find her.
And now here I was.
Standing in the shower belonging to a woman who let me stay because she thought I was her best friend’s daughter. Standing beneath borrowed water, using borrowed soap, and sobbing my heart out because I was back. Back in that terrible place.
The place I was in when I first awoke from the coma.
Alone and with no idea who I was.
I was shackled regardless, wasn’t I? In the end, it seemed answers didn’t matter, because no matter what I learned, I still ended up back here.
Despair threatened to swallow me whole. An image of open hatch in the ground swam into my mind. It looked like a black hole in the center of the sunshine. It was a hole that did swallow me once.
At least I thought so. I wasn’t sure.
I knew I spent time down there. All the memories I had were of that place. How long was I there? What else happened? Was Sadie also there?
The distant sound of laughter echoed in my head, and the feel of someone tugging my hair gently, as if styling it into braids, was so strong a sensation, I reached up to finger the short, wet strands.
I sank onto the floor and covered my ears, squeezing my eyes shut.
“No,” I begged. “No more. Please let my mind stay empty.”
Sobs of sorrow broke out of me. I let them come. I encouraged them. The sound they made in the enclosed stall drowned out the laughter and the feelings echoing somewhere deep inside me.
Instantly, cold air whooshed around me. Strong arms and a familiar body hunched close. He was warm. The kind of warm I couldn’t get from the water. It startled me at first. I jerked upright and peered over my shoulder.
“Eddie,” I whispered.
He didn’t say anything. Nothing at all.
But his eyes.
Dear God, his eyes. They said more than words ever would. The intensity he emanated vibrated the air around us. I loved that force, the near obsession I felt when he looked at me like that. If I were ever going to be the victim of an obsession, I would wholly surrender to him.
Leaning down, he gathered me close and stood, slowly turning so he was beneath the spray, blocking it from my eyes.
He was completely dressed—white T-shirt, jeans, and Adidas. His hair was now partially wet. I watched the dry stands drink up the moisture and melt around his head. Water dripped off his square jawline and onto his shirt.
He acted as if he didn’t even notice being completely dressed in a shower and me being naked.
It was sort of symbolic, though, wasn’t it?
It represented how I always felt with him. Exposed. See-through. An open book. Sure, a lot of my pages might be blank, but they were open to him.
And he was clothed, not quite so easy to figure out. Yet as he stood there, becoming more and more saturated, his clothes grew thinner… more sheer.
I loved him. I loved him so much it seemed the emotion had the ability to kill me. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone that much.
To hurt for them.
To be jealous when I had no right to be.
To be equally obsessed.
I knew my eyes were swollen; my cheeks hurt and were puffy. My lips were likely red from me chewing them, and my nose was stuffy. He’d heard me sobbing. There was no way he didn’t.
I couldn’t even stand here and pretend I was fine, that everything was fine.
It wasn’t.
He knew it just as well as I.
The second he lifted me off the shower floor, I stopped crying. All of him except for a few rogue curls was completely drenched now. His eyes remained trained on mine. I watched him stare at me, hoping my eyes conveyed even a fraction of what his did.
Water slipped in my mouth when our lips met and mine parted. He wiped it away with his tongue and kept going. I clung to his shoulders as he kissed me deep. Emotion rose inside me, and I forced it into my reply. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how scared I was, and how vulnerable I felt. I couldn’t say the words, but my lips told him anyway.
Using my teeth, I bit down gently, tugging his lower lip and sucking it i
nto my mouth.
Eddie backed me up until my back pressed against the shower wall, then lifted me. I wound my legs around his waist, wrapping my arms tighter around his shoulders. His mouth ripped away, a deep gasp filling the room as he sucked in air, then dove into my neck, sucking the flesh deep and then smoothing it out with his tongue.
My head fell to the side as he continued to suck and nibble across my collarbone and latch onto my shoulder. My hips spasmed against him, but neither of us acknowledged the movement.
I felt boneless, completely light, as if I were floating. My body was pinned between him and the wall, his fingers roaming everywhere. One of my hands found its way into his wet curls, fisted there, and tugged his face up.
His eyes flashed to mine.
There was anger there. Desire. Love. It all swirled together to create the kind of cocktail that got a girl drunk with just one sip.
Oh, I was drunk.
I might never be sober again.
I attacked his mouth. He groaned into me, and I swallowed the sound. We kissed fiercely, almost violently. It felt so good to channel all the emotion inside me, to get it out so passionately.
Eddie ripped his mouth away again and pulled back enough so he could latch onto my breast. I cried out and arched into him as he sucked deep. My body trembled, desire so great it made me quake.
He moved to the other breast, first licking off the water, teasing, caressing, and then sucking deep.
The ache between my legs tingled, growing painful. My hips began gyrating against him, begging for more.
Lifting his head, Eddie reached between our bodies, felt my slick heat, and without hesitation, slipped a finger deep inside me. I cried out and slumped into his chest.
He pumped a few times, then pulled out. I tried to clutch him back, but he moved away, easing me down. My legs wouldn’t hold me. They absolutely refused to stand.
With a devilish smile, Eddie held me while I sank to the floor like a puddle. With the wall supporting me, he stepped back. I stared up his body in awe, unable to form a coherent sentence, my knees and core still trembling for more.
The white T-shirt made a sucking sound as he peeled it off his body and a slapping sound when it hit the floor behind him. I licked my lips, then bit down when he unbuttoned his jeans and worked them down his hips.
When they were gone, he reached for his boxers, which were molded perfectly around his insanely hard dick. They came off much easier than the wet jeans, and the instant he was free, my field of vision was reduced to just his hips.
His cock jutted proudly away from his body. It looked strong, just like he was, and I knew from experience it had plenty of stamina. I shivered just knowing what it felt like to be penetrated by something so hard.
I tried to stand up, slapping my hand against the wall for support, but it was a no-go. I was too far gone.
Eddie stared down at me, his eyes nearly on fire, hooded with desire. Water cascaded over his shoulders, down his chest, and slid over his cock and around his balls.
I was jealous again.
Jealous of that water.
I reached for him, but he pulled back. He picked me up again, kissing me so thoroughly I started to melt back down to the ground.
His low chuckle filled the space. I was lifted again. My legs wound around his waist at the same time he slid deeply into my body.
I collapsed against him, hugging him tight because without the support, I would fall. He held still, let himself claim the deepest part of me. At last, he started to move, pull in and out, pierce me again and again.
I moaned because there was no way I could hold it in. He pressed me against the cold tiles, but I didn’t feel it. My body slid up and down the wet wall with every thrust, and I loved every single second.
I didn’t feel empty just then. Or alone. I felt full to the point of bursting, exactly where I belonged.
With a final deep thrust, my eyes flew to his. He stared back, telling me everything I was feeling, he felt, too.
Telling me he loved me.
Our chests met again, and I held tight. Gripping my hips, he pumped rapidly, and black spots formed behind my eyelids. I whimpered, and he went harder.
My teeth sank into his shoulder as light exploded over me. Pleasure rocked my body so hard it was all I tasted. All I saw.
In the distance, I heard him shout. His cock pulsed inside me, brushing against my inner walls with every throb.
I drank him in, wanting it all. Needing it.
I clung to him even though I knew I probably wasn’t the lightest weight in the world. I couldn’t let go. Not yet.
Not too inclined to let me go either, Eddie held on, left his cock inside me, and spun so I was beneath the spray. It pelted my back and slid between our bodies. Using one hand, he smoothed it through my hair.
Lifting my head, I kissed him again, tasting him and rainfall, the scent of sex thick in the air.
“I didn’t expect you,” I said when I was finally able to find my voice. It sounded as though I’d been cheering at a football game for four hours straight.
He smiled. “I know.”
I glanced away. “You heard me crying.”
He grasped my chin, guiding my face back. “I did.”
“I’m not Sadie,” I whimpered. Why did it always come back to that? Even after the mind-blowing (and I mean mind-blowing) lovemaking, I still just had to say that.
“I don’t care.”
I blinked. Blinked again.
He smiled slowly.
I started to cry again.
Oh my God, I was a mess. The emotions were too real. Too raw. To overwhelming.
Eddie’s eyes darkened, and he pulled me close. When my cries softened into sniffles, he sat me down.
He washed me, his hands like heaven. Far gentler than mine had been. When he was done and I was squeaky clean, I did the same for him.
By the time we were both washed, the water was cold and I was shivering. Eddie used the towel to dry me off, then quickly dried himself. After swiping the fog off the mirror, I stared at myself again.
“You’re still the same as you were this morning,” he said gently, appearing in the mirror behind me.
I tilted my head. “Are you?”
His eyes flickered. “Maybe not.”
I turned my back on my reflection. His arms came around my waist.
Tipping my chin up, I studied him. “But you still love me?”
A definitive answer bloomed in his eyes. My heart sang.
“There is one thing you will always be able to count on. One thing that will never change,” he told me.
I tilted my head to the side. “That the sun will always rise?”
He shook his head. “More surer than that.”
“More surer?” I echoed.
“The surest.”
My fingers played in the wet curls at the base of his neck. The blue of his eyes was so bright everything else looked black and white.
“How much I love you,” he whispered, resting his forehead against mine. “That will never change. Ever.”
For the first time in quite a while, I remembered why it didn’t really matter who I actually was… because he loved me.
I never wanted to hear her cry like that ever again.
Ever.
I knew today was hard on her, but I didn’t think it resonated with me until the sound of her gut-wrenching sobs echoed through the laundry room, reaching into her bedroom, and effectively bottomed out my guts.
I was so horrified; I wanted to hold her instantly. The urge to rush to her was immediate. But the sound, it was so painful, so hollow I sank onto the end of her bed for long moments, just letting it beat me up until I was bleeding inside.
When I realized she’d left the hospital, my first thought was to find her and make sure she was okay. I knew she was tired. Her haggard appearance made that perfectly clear.
I didn’t know, though.
I didn’t understand until I heard t
hat cry.
Regret was the sharpest sword because I hadn’t left the hospital right away. I’d waited until Maggie was there. Until the doctor had seen Sadie and she seemed to be resting comfortably.
I should have come sooner. Am had been in this house alone, thinking I was going to abandon her. Probably thinking everyone was.
I wouldn’t do that.
Ever.
I was lying here staring at the ceiling, my mind so wound up I genuinely thought it might never shut off. I could barely wrap my head around any of this. I didn’t know what to do. What the right thing was. No one could tell me either because this was a rare situation. I was afraid I’d screw everything the fuck up. That mistakes I might make would damage two women who were already damaged beyond repair.
Beside me, Amnesia shifted slightly, whimpering softly in her sleep.
“I got you,” I whispered, tugging her even closer.
Her arm, which was already draped over my waist, hugged tighter. Her cheek settled firmly against my chest.
Her hair was still damp from the shower, a shower I would never forget. That had been some hot, fucking epic sex.
If I did say so myself.
The chemistry between us was undeniable. The way I felt about her was seriously unmatched.
That was an answer all in itself. My love for her outweighed everything else. Therefore, my main priority was defined.
What about Sadie? a part of me whispered. My stare returned to the ceiling. God, this was fucking complicated.
A low, tentative knock disrupted the quiet. Lifting my head, I glanced over to the closed bedroom door. Another subtle knock.
“Yeah?” I whisper-yelled, cradling Am’s head in my arm and covering her ear with my palm.
“It’s Maggie,” she replied.
Carefully, I slid out from beneath Amnesia and the blankets and quickly pulled on a pair of gray sweats I always kept here—you know, in case I decided to shower fully clothed.
I didn’t bother with a shirt. It was late and Maggie knew I was in bed with Am. She wasn’t dumb.
Before opening the door, I glanced back at my girl. She looked small in the bed, her body still turned to where I’d been lying. Sometimes I ached just looking at her.
Amnesty: Amnesia Duet Book 2 Page 12
