by Terry Jones
‘I’ll repeat the process every day for a week – just to make sure I’ve wiped out not only every human being but
every living creature – and my machines will take over the world! Goodbye! I hope you enjoy knowing what’s going to happen . . . You have precisely forty seconds to think about it while the rectifiers build up to full strength!’
And with that, the robot threw the main switch, and the control room was filled with a loud throbbing sound as the rectifiers started to build up power. At the same time, the dots on the map of the world all lit up in unison to show that the rectifiers all over the world were switched on and working.
The throbbing noise grew louder and louder . . .
‘Goodbye!’ said Orville Barton, looking from his son to his daughter. ‘I’m so sorry I was a bad father to you both! I’m sorry I neglected you! I wish I could live my life again and be a proper father to you this time!’
‘Dad!’ called Annie
‘Dad!’ called out Jack, shouting above the increasing throbbing noise that filled their ears.
‘Yah! YAAAAAAAHHHH!’ screamed Little Orville.
‘Maurice!’ screamed a high-pitched, cracked voice.
The robot froze.
‘Maurice Morris!’ continued the voice. And suddenly there stood a little old lady, standing in the subdued blue light by the main entrance of the control room. ‘I knew I’d find you here in your favourite spot up on the Campsie Fells!’
And without more ado, Mrs Morris (yes, she who had bought the Truthful Phone) marched across the control room and started to beat the robot around the head with her umbrella . . . Gunk! Gunk! Gunk!
‘It’s YOU!’ exclaimed the robot and Maurice together.
‘Of course it’s me, you idiot!’ said Mrs Morris, addressing the robot. ‘You don’t think you can go on television and announce that you’re taking over the world without me noticing do you?’
‘I love you!’ cried the robot.
‘Don’t start getting sentimental you old fool!’ exclaimed Mrs Morris, who, despite being such a nice little old lady, had never enjoyed a particularly romantic relationship with her husband.
‘But I do! I adore the ground you walk on!’ exclaimed the robot.
Mrs Morris looked at it suspiciously. ‘You’ve never said things like that to me before!’ she muttered. ‘Are you all right in the head?’
‘My darling!’ said the robot. ‘I am programmed to love you!’
‘What!’ cried Mrs Morris.
‘I have been programmed to love you! Passionately! Eternally!’ cried the robot.
Gunk! Mrs Morris hit it over the head again. ‘You’ve been drinking, Maurice Morris!’
‘No! No! I am fulfilling my destiny! My programme!’ cried the robot and it tried to put its arms around Mrs Morris. But the old lady fought him off.
‘Who “programmed” you?’ she shouted.
‘I’m afraid I did,’ said Maurice, his head sticking out from his block.
‘Who’s that?’ cried the old woman, spinning round.
‘It’s me: Maurice!’ said the Inventor. ‘Your husband.
That’s just a robot!’
‘Maurice! You low-down and dirty rascal!’
‘My dear!’ replied Maurice, ‘you’ll never guess how glad I am to see you!’
***
So that was how a little old lady from Glasgow saved not only the entire human race but all living creatures from extinction.
As soon as Maurice explained the situation to Mrs Morris, she told the robot to stop the machines and set everyone free. And of course, because the robot had been programmed to love and obey Mrs Morris without question and forever, it did exactly what she told it to do.
The rectifiers were halted all around the world, and the air we breathe was never ‘turned off’.
Maurice himself, however, returned to his Iron Cloud, where he was happy enough making his inventions to improve life for everyone, which is what he had devoted himself to ever since he had disappeared so mysteriously on the Campsie Fells. He said that sort of a life suited him better than being married, although he could do with a partner to help him.
As for Mrs Morris, she didn’t mind in the least. She actually preferred the robot to her husband. It was far more attentive, loving and made the best tea in the world . . . which made Mrs Morris the most contented old lady who ever was.
Annie and Little Orville returned to their home on the cliff and Annie wrote a song all about their adventures that
was recorded by no less an artist than Sir Elton John. Her husband, Tom, started assisting Maurice in his engineering projects, and eventually helped him to build a three-storey rabbit educator, which could automatically train rabbits to do household chores.
Jack did not return to the guerrillas, but he did start writing about their cause and became a prize-winning journalist, specializing in South American politics.
And what of Mr Orville Barton? Well, he handed over his business to his assistant Percy Baker, and devoted himself and his fortune to helping his children, and in particular to teaching his grandson, Little Orville, to speak in languages other than Drivel, to play cricket and to cheat at cards.
THE END
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