Almost under his breath, he said, “Because … I want a divorce.”
She sat like a statue, as though not having heard what she’d been so afraid to hear. Rejecting it, pushing it away, she told herself, he’s going through a phase, it happens to men his age, everyone knows that … the forties blues … he isn’t serious. Now don’t, for God’s sake, start screaming and carrying on. Isn’t that what the books said about such situations? As a rule of thumb … rule? … what rule? There were no rules in this stupid game …
“Bill, maybe you should take a little time off—”
“Janet, you don’t seem to understand. I didn’t ask for a divorce impulsively. Getting away isn’t the solution. I’m sorry … truly sorry … but I need to be free … it has nothing to do with you …”
Nothing to do with her … ? Her outrage broke through the calm of shock. “It doesn’t? Who does it have to do with? I’m your wife and your leaving has nothing to do with me?”
“What I mean is … it’s nothing that you’ve done. I just want to be—”
She lost control. “Yes, I know … God, you’ve said it enough before, one way or another … you want to be free? You selfish fool … you have two children and almost twenty years of marriage and you want to be free … ? Free for what? To sleep with every little available piece … is that the kind of freedom you want? Well, you were never anything but a bachelor who accidentally got married. You’re a selfish man who’s willing to destroy your family. No, you insist on it. I put my life into this marriage. I’m not complaining … it’s a fact … I made the best home I could to make you, us, happy—”
“Please, Janet …”
“You’d like me to be calm? Was it the house, or living in the country? I don’t think so. Not really. This is something that’s been coming for a long time. I knew, but refused to face it.” And then she sank to the lowest, hardly able to believe the demeaning words were coming from her … “What is it? Some twenty-year-old secretary you’ve been—”
“No, damn it, there isn’t anyone like that. I’m not leaving this marriage for the reasons most men do. I told you … you’re the only woman I ever loved or ever will—”
“You don’t know the meaning of love. Where is the love in walking out on your family like this, then telling me how much you love me? You’re a lying …” She couldn’t finish it, slumping down on the couch. “Bill McNeil, you never loved anyone except yourself. And I wonder about the yourself part.”
He went to her and knelt at her side. He took her in his arms. “You’re wrong, very wrong. I do love you, but I just don’t want to … I can’t … be married any more. I feel like I’m choking, I can’t take it—”
His words, his nearness, seemed to wrench at her, and she pushed him roughly away. She was off the couch now. “And neither can I. Get out of this house … now … tonight … please … just get out….”
She went to their room, opened the closet and dramatically threw his clothes on the floor, feeling, in spite of herself, a bit foolish. “Go on, pick up, pack up and take your damned wonderful freedom. Choking, are you? Well, so am I …”
Nicole and Jason had come running out of their rooms and now stood behind their father in the bedroom doorway.
“What’s happening?” Nicole was crying.
Janet wasn’t going to be kind. She had no intention of sparing Bill, no intention of prettying things up so he could look wonderful in the eyes of his children.
“Ask your father, who loves you so much.”
She did.
Bill felt numb inside. “Mother and I are separating for a while.”
Oh, no. She wasn’t going to let him get off that easily. “That’s not true, Nicole. Your father wants a divorce.”
“Oh, God, no. It isn’t true, Daddy … is it?” When he didn’t answer, Janet said, “The burdens are a little too great for your father—”
“I don’t believe that. I know what this is, it’s because of the house. Daddy wanted to move back to the city and we didn’t. Well, it doesn’t make any difference. A house isn’t that important … we’ll move—”
“It’s not the house, Nicole,” Janet said. “Don’t you feel guilty … your father wants to be a free man. Free of us so he can recapture his precious youth. You’re a big girl now. You can stand the truth. No lies, no subterfuge. You’re too smart for that anyway. I won’t insult you with pretense …”
“Don’t do this, daddy … please, what happened to us? We were such a good family.”
Bill put his arms around her and lay her head against him. “We still can be, honey. It doesn’t mean we won’t see each other. I’m still your father and I love you—”
“Then why? Why are you leaving?”
Janet couldn’t listen to this any longer. “Because, Nicole, it seems we’re in his way!”
Jason had been silent all this time, but now he broke in. “I think it’s all crazy. I don’t care …” He looked at his father, with all the hurt of his young years suddenly alive in his eyes. “You … I think you stink. I hate you …” He ran to his room, before anyone could see his tears.
Nicole followed.
At least at this moment, Bill wanted to go down on his knees and plead with Janet to forget what he’d said. She’d lived with him so long she could read his feelings, and this time she wasn’t going to make it so easy for him. How could there ever be a marriage between them now? It would only be a compromise … That’s what he’d done by marrying her. Compromised. Well, now it was at least out in the open. Let him live without a family, see what his terrific freedom brought him. He’d been too tied down, had he?
She pulled out his suitcases and started stuffing his clothes inside, but with the job only half done she turned abruptly and left the room.
Slowly he came into the living room and stood looking at her, suitcases uneasily in hand. “Maybe you’re right, Janet … maybe I do just need to get away by myself and think things out.”
She didn’t look at him, didn’t answer …
“If you need me, I’ll be at the Plaza.”
She clenched her hands until the nails bit into her palms. I need you now … I need you, you selfish … But she couldn’t beg for what he couldn’t offer, for what he couldn’t be.
“I love you, Janet …”
When she heard the door close, she was stunned, shattered, as if he had taken the reality of her life with him when he walked out the door. The reasons for his leaving were only theories to her … He loved her, she knew it. He’d never thought of another woman, she knew that too. And the children … no doubt how he felt about them. None of it made any sense. Or it made too much sense. More than she dared, or was able, to face.
By two o’clock in the morning she was no closer to the answer. Finally she went to her room and lay staring up at the ceiling. What time she fell into exhausted sleep she didn’t know. Nor was she aware when she woke up that there were tears streaming down her face. The reality was simply too much for her to come to grips with.
When Nicole came into her room and saw her mother’s face, her own anger and confusion were put aside. She sat now on the edge of the bed and held her hand, but Janet made no response. She was listless, hollow-eyed.
At a time when her mother needed her most, Nicole felt unable to say any of the comforting things her mother needed so much to hear. No words seemed enough.
“Mother, I have some hot coffee. Please drink it.”
Janet looked at her daughter, her eyes and voice dull when she finally spoke. “Why, Nicole? Why do you think your father did this to us?”
“I don’t know, mother, unless he’s sick or something. I mean seriously, and doesn’t want to tell us—”
“He isn’t sick … just obsessed.” And he always was, she thought to herself. Maybe a psychiatrist could figure it out. How could a man with a family like theirs just walk away?
“Please, mother, take a little something. The coffee …”
Janet’s sob
s became near-hysterical. “All right, what did I do, where did I fail?” She felt as if she wanted to die. If it weren’t for the children … Her thoughts were so apparent that Nicole left the room, frightened, and called her Aunt Kit….
Kit was shocked at Janet’s appearance. If only Janet were angry enough to scream or break something, but she just lay placidly, inert.
“Look, Janet. I’m not going to fill you with all the bromides … about how this has happened to a million other women and you’ll get over it. I’m not going to say this is a little whim, that Bill will reconsider and come crawling back on bended knees. He’s an adolescent forty-five-year-old man, carrying his special monkey on his back. He always had it, I’m afraid he always will … But I’m worried about you. The hell with him. This has been a terrible shock, but you’re going to have to pull yourself together, reach down, get on with the business of your life—”
“I want to die, Kit.”
“No, goddamn it. Not Bill or a thousand Bills are worth that—”
“But he has been my life. How do I go on without him—?”
“Like you would if he died. You have your children and they’re suffering as much as you are. It’s tough but—”
“What did I do wrong, Kit?”
“Why do people have that terrible habit of always assuming they’re guilty for everything that happens to them? Why are you so anxious to make yourself the scapegoat? You didn’t do anything, and you know it. You’re quite a gal, honey, but you don’t run the world … you’re not responsible for the making of Bill McNeil … that happened long before you met him … now I want you and the children to come over to my place and stay until you get over the initial shock—”
“Thank you, but I want to stay here. This is where my life was … we were so happy, Kit—”
“So you had almost twenty years that were good and now you have to move on. It’s called phase two.”
“Just like that? If only there’d been a woman, I could have understood it. But how do I fight this?”
“You can’t fight selfishness, delayed adolescence, whatever … Besides, don’t kid yourself, if Bill had another woman the hurt would have been worse. Now come on, get up, take a bath, dress and we’ll go to lunch.” It was a feeble attempt, but anything to get Janet moving …
“I just want to rest, Kit…” She said it as if she would never get up….
For once Kit felt helpless, unable to do more than just sit with her through that day.
In the following week Kit sat in Janet’s room watching her disintegrate. Janet had simply given up. She could barely summon the strength to make it to the bathroom. She hadn’t slept or eaten. Her weight dropped abruptly, her eyes were hollows. Kit struggled with the notion of calling a psychiatrist. Instead, she decided to risk trying a little of her own homegrown therapy.
Kit walked into Janet’s room and jerked back the covers. “I want you to get the hell out of that bed and now. You’ve wallowed in self-pity long enough. Your children have suffered just as much and you’re only adding to it. Damn it, you’re going to be the strong one. You have to be. The props have been knocked out from under them and the only one they have is you. Now, enough is enough.” She prayed Janet might rally.
Janet looked at Kit, expressionlessly, then slowly managed to swing her legs over the edge of the mattress. She stood unsteadily, holding onto the bed for support.
Kit stood close by, but she made no effort to help. Janet had to do this on her own.
Janet walked toward the bathroom, and Kit followed her to turn on the water taps and let the bathtub fill. She added scented bubble bath and watched as Janet feebly let the nightgown fall, then immersed herself in the soothing water.
Thank God, Kit thought. At least a beginning.
From then on, Janet obeyed her like a puppet. No, like a zombie. But after a solid week of near catatonia, at least she was responding.
Kit picked out a suit, waited while Janet went through the motions of dressing, and then drove her into the city.
They had lunch in the restaurant where Janet had first confided to Kit so many years ago about her love for Bill. Kit had deliberately chosen this restaurant. If life was ever going to become real again, Janet would have to come face to face with the ghosts of the past.
While they had their drinks, Kit said, “Nat and I think that what you need is a little sea change … There’s a cruise going to the Caribbean. It could be just what the doctor ordered.”
Janet began to tremble, recalling that glorious honeymoon in Bermuda, the things they’d promised each other. How could she have guessed then that Bill would ever leave her? The tears came. “I don’t feel up to it, Kit.”
“If you don’t make that first step, honey, you never will. Are you going to let that s.o.b. louse up your whole life? You listen to me. You have to start picking up the pieces and put your life back in order. A trip restores the spirit. Read the ads …”
“And what do I come home to, Kit?”
“Your children. That’s one thing Bill left you with. We’ll take it a day at a time. Now eat something. You look like a cadaver. Then we’ll go pick up the tickets.”
“What about the children? I don’t think I should leave them, Kit—”
“That’s not a good enough excuse. In fact, it’s a cop-out. Obviously they’ll stay with us, just as they have for the last week. I think what they need is to get away from you too.”
“You’re so good to me, Kit.”
“Fine, and don’t forget Nat—”
“I know. If I envy anybody anything right now, it’s your marriage, Kit. I don’t know too many people who are happily married or whose marriages have even survived, but yours is the best. What a father Nat is. He adores those five children and you’re the best wife and mother. I just can’t understand why mine didn’t—”
“Because as I told you long ago, it takes two. I do, though, have to say that Nat is an unusual man and, yes, I think I have one of the few really happy marriages.”
Janet looked at Kit. “It’s so hard to understand what makes people become what they are … it’s a foolish question, Kit, but how is it Nat never seemed to go through the middle-age thing like—”
“Because he knows who he is and he’s an intelligent man who takes life as it comes, lives every day as if it were going to be the last and hasn’t time to waste on nonsense. If you live, you grow old. It’s as simple as that. Nat accepts it. Bill doesn’t.” Or probably can’t….
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
JANET DIDN’T GO ON the cruise immediately. It was a month before she felt strong enough to face it, to face anyone except Kit and her family. She had tried to explain the divorce to Jason and Nicole, but beyond making repeated assurances that they were not in any way to blame, there was little she could give them by way of explanation. The fact remained that Bill had gone off, had left his children as surely as he’d left her. He had rejected them all. How do you explain that to kids who’d grown up idolizing their father? She couldn’t, after all, really comprehend it herself.
She and the children spent as much time with Kit, Nat and their five children as possible, escaping the reminders in their own house, escaping the long, pained silences when they were alone together. Kit’s children helped divert Jason and Nicole from their confused hurt, and Nat’s joking even brought a faint smile to Janet’s face from time to time.
But it was Kit who began to give her some perspective as they sat talking long into the night. “Janet, face it. In some ways Bill is a great guy, but somehow he’s just never really matured. It’s as if he’s finally going through an adolescent identity crisis in middle age because he never really dealt with his feelings about Mama McNeil and that whole scene.”
Janet grimaced. “That sounds like pop psychology. Somehow it’s just too easy an explanation—”
“Not really. Bill had two ways of dealing with Violet. Either he bent over backward to go along with what she expected or he just completely
withdrew. And that’s pretty much what he did in your marriage. First he conformed—because he really does love you, in his fashion—and then he made the great escape. To freedom. Whooppee.”
Janet gave her a look. “And that explains it? That excuses his behavior, walking out on us as if we were nothing—?”
“Nothing excuses it,” Kit said. “It’s heartless and cruel and he’s a rat for doing it. If anything, what I’m telling you is that there’s probably no resolution now short of separating and making your own lives, getting on with it. Bill has to grow up, resolve things for himself, learn how to deal with problems instead of simply withdrawing from them.”
“Fine. And what do I do in the meantime? What do my children do?”
“Janet, I think your kids will weather it okay. It isn’t easy for them, but Nicole has some understanding, some intuitive sense, at least, of what makes Bill tick—and loves him anyway. When he was giving her a rough time about seeing Mark she remembered something I once let slip about how Violet put up a stink over you before you and Bill were married. Nicole asked me about it, asked if maybe Bill was acting about her the same way his mother had been about you.”
“Nicole said that?” Janet shook her head in surprise. “It seems everyone but me is able to see him so clearly … Well, one thing I’m glad of is that Nicole can have Mark to turn to now. Things don’t look so easy for Jason, though.”
Janet had lived through that month in a haze, sorting and resorting all the facts, never quite able to put them together in a pattern that made total sense of what had happened … The pain … the nagging, disabling pain … dulled the senses, the intellect … but at least she had been functioning, however mechanically, and she had finally let Kit persuade her to go on that cruise after all …
Now, as she stood in the middle of her stateroom and heard the popping of champagne corks, the laughter and the toasts to love, to the future, she wondered if it hadn’t been too soon to take this trip. She began to tremble as the memories rushed in on her, dragging her down, drowning her. Her hand unsteady, she took out two tranquilizers and reached for a water glass. Kit was well-intentioned, but she probably shouldn’t have gone along with her advice. Not yet …
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