by Brenda Novak
Macy would have expected nothing less. For a moment, she was tempted to change her mind about letting him get her pregnant the old-fashioned way. What did it matter? She was going to have his baby one way or another. And she suspected that Thad was an incredible lover. If she gave in to the attraction she felt for him, perhaps she could let down the incredible load she was shouldering and lose herself in something tangible and real and exciting. Even if it was only temporary.
But she knew, with morning, reality would intrude. And her self-respect demanded she be able to look it squarely in the face.
* * *
THAD LOOKED TIRED and disagreeable. Wearing the same clothes he’d worn yesterday, he sat at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. He hadn’t yet showered or shaved, and his hair stood up on one side.
If they were really in love, Macy would have hugged him from behind or planted a kiss on his cheek. Instead, she accepted a glass of orange juice from her mother, who was making scrambled eggs, gave him a polite smile and sat across from him at the table. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” he muttered.
“How did you sleep?” Edna asked from where she stood at the stove.
Had she slept? She and Thad had tossed and turned, waking each other up every few minutes. They’d kept as far apart as they could without actually falling off the bed, but somehow it wasn’t far enough to allow either of them to fully relax. Macy had spent the night smelling his aftershave, sensing the heat of his large body only a foot or two away and dreaming of the kiss she’d denied herself at the wedding.
“Like a log,” she mumbled.
Thad cocked an eyebrow at her, and Macy nearly made a face at him, but she was afraid her mother would see it.
“Will you eat some breakfast?” Edna asked.
“Sure.” With her mother and Thad in the same room, Macy knew better than to refuse anything good for her health.
“Thad, Macy said you want children right away.” Edna spoke with her back to them. She was still wearing the hair net she slept in every night and what she called a housecoat, a cotton print smock that snapped up the front. “Do you want a big family?”
“I’ll take as many children as Macy will give me,” he replied, a smile slanting one side of his mouth.
Macy ignored him.
Edna stirred the eggs, scraping the pan across the burner. “I’m so glad the two of you met. After Richard left, I was afraid Macy would marry on the rebound. That’s what I feared had happened when she first told me about you. But now that I’ve met you, I think the two of you are perfect for each other.”
Great. Her mother finally approved. She’d brought home at least a dozen men before she married Richard, but Edna had to like Thad.
The toast popped up, so Macy got out of her seat to butter it.
“With Haley so sick,” her mother went on, “a new baby might be just the thing to…ease the pain.”
Macy winced. A new baby she would never hold.
Thad didn’t say anything. Looking a trifle guilty, he downed the rest of his coffee and shoved his mug out of the way when her mother placed a plate of eggs in front of him.
“You’re awfully quiet this morning, Macy. Must be all the excitement about the wedding,” her mother said.
Macy carried the toast to the table. “Oh, yes. I’m so excited I can hardly see straight.”
Her mother smiled. “I love seeing you so happy.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
MACY SET her glasses aside and rubbed her eyes. It wasn’t sinking in. She’d been trying to study since arriving at the hospital at eight, but the words were blurring together and seemed to bounce off her brain. Superinfections: the overgrowth of Staphylococci, Pseudomonas or fungi… The overgrowth of what?
Her mother and Haley were just a few feet away, talking and giggling as they worked the puzzle of a large Saint Bernard. It felt good to see Haley enjoying her grandmother. Macy wanted to close her pharmacology book and join them. She was too stressed, too tired, too worried to absorb anything remotely difficult. But time was so short. If she could just hold on long enough to pass her finals, just ten more days…
Putting her glasses back on, she took a deep breath and forced herself to keep reading. The basic human T cell is a—
“Ms. McKinney?” Dr. Forte stuck his head into the room, causing them all to look up.
“It’s Mrs. Winters now,” Edna volunteered. “Macy got married yesterday.”
Forte raised his eyebrows. “That’s wonderful news. Congratulations!”
Macy willed herself not to blush to the roots of her hair. “Thank you.”
“Can I speak with you for a moment alone, please?” he asked.
A chill swept through Macy as she caught her mother’s eye. What now? Every new hope the doctors had held out for her over the past year had been crushed in its turn. When they’d first found the tumors in Haley’s abdomen, they thought surgery would take care of the problem. The cancer spread to her spleen. They tried chemotherapy, hoping for a remission, but the disease only paused before marching on to her pancreas. Next came radiation and the discovery of more tumors, these ones in her liver. Another operation, more chemotherapy, more radiation. The result? Cancerous cells in her spinal fluid. Now they were facing a bone marrow transplant. If that didn’t work, Macy knew they were at the end of the line.
Edna drew Haley’s attention back to their puzzle. Macy followed Dr. Forte out of the room and down the wide hall to a small cubicle that served as his office.
Perching on a hard plastic chair, Macy clamped her hands together to keep them from shaking.
“I’ve got good news,” he said, smiling as he took his own seat behind a small cluttered desk.
Macy relaxed, but only fractionally. With a child as sick as Haley, good news was always a relative term.
“We’ve found a donor.”
A donor! Fresh hope, too strong for the scars of past experience to temper or jade, charged through Macy like a lightning bolt. They had a donor. At last. “That’s wonderful!” she breathed. “How? Through the National Marrow Donor Program?”
“Actually, he’s local.”
“I’ve been posting notices at school, begging people to come over and be tested. It’s probably a student at the U.”
“His age is about right. He’s twenty-three.”
“What’s his name?”
“John Taylor.”
A total stranger was going to help her save her child. His generosity awed her. “I’m grateful to him,” she said, knowing the words were barely adequate. “When do you want to do the transplant?”
Footsteps padded down the hall outside. A man and woman glanced in as they passed, and Dr. Forte stood and closed the door. “First we’ve got to up the chemotherapy and radiation treatments to kill all the cells in Haley’s blood. That will take a few days.”
Macy nodded. She knew about this. The treatments would destroy Haley’s own marrow, but that couldn’t be helped. Haley’s body had to start over using the healthy stem cells—the blood cells that have matured in the bone marrow—she would receive from Mr. Taylor. “Are you thinking of doing it next week?”
“Or shortly thereafter.”
“And this donor, Mr. Taylor, he matches all six antigens?”
The doctor looked faintly uncomfortable. “Actually he matches five out of six, but it’s a minor mismatch.”
“A minor mismatch?”
“A technical term. It means there’s hope for—”
“It means he’s not a perfect match.” Macy’s heart sank. “It won’t work,” she said, shaking her head. “We have to put as many odds in Haley’s favor as we possibly can. We have to keep looking for a donor.”
“As you know, that’s a lengthy process. We’ve narrowed the search to a handful of potential donors, but they still have to be contacted and scheduled to come in for further compatibility testing. Then we have to receive and evaluate the laboratory results and, if we find a better ma
tch, fly the donor in from out of state. The preliminary search found no matches in Utah.” He frowned. “And we’re running out of time.”
Ice-cold fear blasted through Macy’s veins. “The cancer is moving that fast?”
“I’m afraid so. Her recent blood tests and X rays have me concerned.”
Macy squeezed her eyes shut. Her little girl. What she wouldn’t do to save her little girl. If only there was something she could do!
“I need your permission to proceed,” Forte was saying. He shoved a piece of paper full of fine print toward her. “You’ve already paid for the transplant, so that’s no longer an issue.” He consulted his day-planner. “Why don’t we schedule it for a week from Tuesday?”
Macy stared at the paragraphs of legalese and the signature line below it. In order for the transplanted marrow to feel at home in Haley’s body, the donor’s and patient’s human leukocyte antigens had to match as closely as possible. The closer the match, the less trouble Haley would have with “graft-versus-host-disease,” a complication that could arise after the marrow engrafts.
She could die from those complications. She could die while waiting for a better match. It was a decision no mother should have to make. “Can I have tonight to think about it?” she asked. Before med school, she would have taken the doctor’s advice and signed on the dotted line immediately. But she’d learned a lot in the past two years; she’d learned just how human and fallible doctors really were.
Even though he was probably frustrated that she wouldn’t simply sign the release, the lines of Dr. Forte’s face creased into a long-suffering smile. “Of course. Just let me know in the morning.”
* * *
“I LOVE YOU, Haley,” Macy said, staring down at her beautiful daughter.
Haley smiled sleepily. “I know, Mommy.”
“Don’t leave me, baby.”
“Huh? I won’t.”
“Promise?”
Haley made a quiet murmur of assent before her lids closed.
Macy rubbed the back of her daughter’s hand and let the tears gathering behind her eyes slide down her cheeks. They were alone, and it was late. Edna had gone back to the house for the night. Macy guessed Thad was there, too, by now. He’d called earlier to say his parents had arrived home a week early. He was going to go see them and his siblings, but she hadn’t heard from him since.
She should probably call to keep up the charade of their new marriage, for Edna’s sake, but after she’d talked to Dr. Forte, Macy didn’t have it in her to do any acting. She was too busy trying to decide which of the options open to her would provide her child with the best chance at life. She’d asked her mother and Lisa what they thought, but neither had been able to give her an answer. She was on her own with this. And all she wanted to do was sit and stare at her daughter, memorize every detail of her face so she’d never forget, just in case she guessed wrong…
Richard. For a moment, Macy’s ex-husband crossed her mind, and she almost called him. He was Macy’s father. He should be helping her make these kinds of decisions. But he wouldn’t know what to tell her, anyway. She was grasping at straws, looking for an easier path.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
At the sound of Thad’s voice, Macy wiped her cheeks on the sleeve of her cotton-knit top and turned to see him standing in the doorway, dressed casually in a pair of blue jeans and a T-shirt from some Mexican tacqueria. Fortunately the lights were off, the room lit only by the glowing dials on the medical equipment along one side of the bed and a small night-light on the far wall. She doubted he’d be able to tell she’d been crying.
“How are your folks?” she managed to say, keeping her voice low so she wouldn’t wake Haley.
“Fine. They had a great time in Arizona. They want to meet you, by the way. I told the whole family we eloped this weekend.”
She kept her face averted, just in case he could see more than she thought. “I bet they loved that.”
“They were more than a little surprised, but it was my brother and sister who were the most shocked.” He chuckled. “They couldn’t figure out why I never mentioned you when I had dinner with them a little over a week ago.”
“I’m sure they’re certain you’ve made a terrible mistake.”
“I assured them that I haven’t.”
Macy had her own opinion about that, but she held her tongue. “Where did you tell them I was today?”
He settled himself in the seat on the other side of the bed. “Here. I explained about Haley. Otherwise, it would have seemed too odd that you weren’t with me. Besides, the closer we stay to the truth, the better off we’ll be.” He nodded toward Haley. “How is she?”
Macy had to clear her throat before she could answer. Then she said, “Fine,” so he’d tell her whatever he’d come to say and go. Or maybe this visit was strictly about impressing her mother. Well, Edna had left the hospital. He could go home, too, and get some sleep. Macy didn’t have the energy to be civil to anyone, to deny the ache inside her that longed for someone to hold her. That longed for Thad to hold her.
Forget it. Don’t want. Don’t feel. He loves the beautiful woman in the photograph.
“It’s getting late,” she said to stop his focused regard. “Aren’t you tired?”
“Probably not as tired as you are. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“No. Did you move in today?”
“I didn’t have time. I’ll do it tomorrow. I did swing by my house to get my razor and clothes, so I can get ready for work in the morning, though.”
“What are you going to do with your house while you’re living with me?”
“Just lock it up. I don’t want renters in there.”
Macy glanced at her pile of books. She had class in the morning and lab in the afternoon, but she had no plans to attend either. She should have withdrawn from school when she had the chance. Now that she’d missed the deadline, she could only plead with her professors to give her an incomplete. But even if she managed to get them all to agree, an “I” would revert to an “F” if she couldn’t finish her courses in three months. If she fell behind, she feared she’d never catch up. She was struggling as it was.
“Did you get some studying done?” he asked.
“No.”
“Did you and your mother have another problem?”
“No.”
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Come on, Macy. Work with me here.”
Twisting the ring he’d given her, she watched the shadows play across his handsome face. “Just go home, Thad,” she said quietly.
“Here’s your rollaway, Mrs. Winters.” The nurse pushed a fold-up cot into the room.
Macy stood and Thad moved her chair to make room alongside Haley’s bed.
“Is this your new husband?” the nurse asked. “Will you be staying here together?”
“This is Thad, Nurse Galloway, but he was just on his way out.”
“So you’re all set for the night, then?”
Macy nodded.
“Nice to meet you,” Thad interjected, shaking her hand.
“It’s a real pleasure to meet you,” she replied. “We’ve been so excited here at the hospital about your good news.”
“Thank you.”
Macy didn’t say anything until after she left. “Everyone’s so happy for us,” she echoed sarcastically. “My life is suddenly bright because you’re part of it.”
Thad’s manner cooled. “So you want me to go?”
Yes…no. What Macy really wanted was to fling herself into his arms. He seemed so strong, so capable, and she was drowning. Just hold me, she thought. Let me feel your heart beating near mine, reassure me that I can survive this nightmare.
But she refused to be such a coward. She could face the tragedy in her life. She had no choice. Besides, his strength was an illusion. Men didn’t stick when the going got tough. How many times had her mother told her that?
“Please,” she said so
ftly. She wasn’t sure if it was a plea for him to go or to stay, but when he walked out the door, she wept.
* * *
THAD WENT BACK to his own house that night. To hell with what Macy’s mother thought. To hell with Macy, for that matter. The past eighteen months had been difficult enough. He didn’t need to complicate his life by inserting himself into her problems. He just wanted a baby. That was all.
After a quick trip to the bathroom to brush his teeth, Thad stripped down to his boxers, flipped on the television in his bedroom and climbed into bed. Tonight there’d be no sharing the covers, no tossing and turning, no sexual frustration. He’d watch the sports news, as he did every night. Then he’d go to sleep so he’d be rested for tomorrow. He had to pitch an ad campaign for a local restaurant chain that wanted a whole new image. They were looking at print, television and radio ads. It was an important account, and he’d already wasted too much time thinking about Macy and Haley this weekend, not to mention putting on a show for Edna.
The sportscaster came on and Thad turned up the volume. “Another home run for Mark McGuire put the St. Louis Cardinals on top five to four—”
The telephone rang. He glanced at it, hoping it was Macy, then tried to squelch the thought. Why would he want to hear from her? What did it matter if she’d treated him rudely at the hospital? That she wouldn’t really kiss him at the ceremony or let him touch her last night? Theirs was a business arrangement.
It was probably his parents or maybe his sister calling.
Not likely at eleven o’clock.
Muting the television, Thad snatched the phone off its cradle. “Hello?”
“Finally. Where have you been?”
Thad turned the volume back up, telling himself he wasn’t disappointed that it was only Kevin. “My parents got back today.”
“Sam and June made it home safe and sound, huh?”
“Yeah, they’re settling in for another summer.”
“You ready for Rustler’s Roost tomorrow? You got the storyboard done?”
“Not yet.”
“…struck out for the third consecutive time at bat…”
“What? We’re supposed to be at Martin’s office at eleven!”
