by Brenda Novak
Macy frowned. “I don’t know for sure yet. I haven’t had a test, but I’m going to get one in the next few days.”
“Well, if you are pregnant, and you don’t think it’s a travesty that Thad would get you that way and then leave you, you haven’t got a lick of sense.”
Her mother was probably right about her lack of sense. But she couldn’t blame Thad for the baby. She’d done what she’d done knowing he didn’t love her.
“Have you told Haley?”
Macy glanced at her daughter again. “You mean about the baby?”
Edna nodded.
“Thad told his parents so soon I had to tell her there was a good possibility.”
“Was she excited?”
The keyboard blared on a sour note, and Macy winced. “I think so, although it probably doesn’t seem real to her yet. When I’m showing, she might talk about it more.” She stood to turn the volume down on Haley’s toy.
“Are you ready for your finals?” her mother asked, changing the subject.
“I’m going to school next year, Grandma,” Haley interrupted, causing Macy an all-too-familiar pang in her chest. Would her daughter ever go to kindergarten?
“Yes, sweetheart, if you’re well by then,” Macy said, then looked up at her mother. “I’m as ready for my finals as I can be, under the circumstances.”
“Good.” Edna rounded Haley’s bed and draped an arm across Macy’s shoulders, giving her a little squeeze. “I’m proud of you, you know. I think I should have told you that more often.”
Macy smiled. “Thanks, Mom.”
* * *
THAD TOOK a deep breath before walking into Haley’s hospital room. He hadn’t talked to Macy since he’d left her house two nights ago and had no idea how she might receive him, but he had to see Haley again, before the transplant, before the big risk.
Except that every day contained risk for Haley, didn’t it? They could lose her at any time.
Macy’s mother, his mother, Lisa, and his sister were already there. Debra smiled and got up to give him a hug, but Edna wouldn’t speak to him and neither would his own mother or Lisa. He’d told June on the phone yesterday that he and Macy were having problems and would probably divorce after the baby was born. She’d ranted that she couldn’t believe he’d even talk about splitting up, with a baby on the way and Macy going through what she was. Then she’d planted her support firmly in Macy’s camp and was making sure he felt it.
What Macy had told Edna and Lisa, he had no idea, but their hostility ran far deeper than June’s. His own mother would forgive him eventually. Her heart was too soft to hold a grudge, but he had the sneaking suspicion Edna would slash his tires if given the chance.
What a mess, he thought, biting back a sigh. Apparently his creative side had finally gotten him into trouble, instead of out of it. Kevin had laughed at his morose mood all day yesterday, until Thad had packed up his briefcase and headed home to work. The last thing he wanted to hear was “I told you so,” especially because his wasn’t the only life he’d screwed up with his unconventional solution to obtaining a son or daughter. Macy was in it deeper than he was.
Or at least that was what he’d thought until her eyes flicked over him, containing none of the warmth he’d grown accustomed to seeing in their green depths. He couldn’t blame her for being angry with him. What surprised him was the way his own heart sank at her coolness.
She’s crossed you off her list, buddy, and that’s good, he told himself. She’s a smart girl. Strong. She doesn’t need you.
Which should have made him feel better.
Instead, it made him feel worse.
“Daddy!” Haley finally spotted him through the bevy of doctors and nurses surrounding her bed, drawing blood, talking her through the procedure to come and checking her catheter.
Thad smiled. “Hi, angel.” The crowd parted for him to be able to reach her and give her a hug. “You all set for this?”
She nodded. “It’s going to make me better,” she announced. “I had a dream last night. You and me were flying a kite. I was running. And I had hair,” she added proudly.
The ache in Thad’s gut turned into a sharp pain. Part of him wished he’d never met Macy, never learned of Haley’s sickness, so he could have avoided this day. But the other part, the bigger part, believed the joy of knowing such a sweet child was worth the pain.
Just like knowing Valerie had been worth the loss. Maybe he needed to think a little more about letting go of the side of the pool….
“You get better, and we will fly that kite,” he promised.
Standing, Macy nudged him out. She didn’t look at him, but her body was so rigid he could tell his words had invoked her anger. He could almost hear her accusing, How dare you tell her you’ll do anything with her?
“Mommy will be there with you, so you’re not going to be scared, are you?” she said to Haley.
Haley shook her head. “Dr. Forte promised it wouldn’t hurt.”
Thad saw Macy bite her lip and knew she wasn’t worried about the operation but what might happen afterward. He worried with her. “No, the operation won’t hurt.”
“Mrs. Winters?” The nurse who’d been sitting at the nurses’ station when Thad was scrubbing up poked her head into the room. “I’ve spoken with John Taylor. He’s agreed to let you see him before the transplant.”
* * *
HOW DID a mother thank someone for giving her child a second chance at life?
Macy stood at the entrance to the hospital room, gazing in at the man named John Taylor. Tall and gangly, he had acne on his cheeks and chin and wore thick-rimmed glasses. Behind the glasses, his eyes were hazel, with pretty, gold-tipped lashes that matched his hair, but he wasn’t much to look at, certainly not the kind of man to turn a woman’s head. Still, to Macy he was beautiful, because he could be anywhere else, going about his life, going to school, seeing a movie, visiting his mother. Instead, he was here in the hospital with her, for Haley, willing to walk the proverbial extra mile to save a dying child.
Her child. Thank God for this young man and his generous heart, she thought.
A news channel blared on the television, but the moment he saw her, he flipped it off with the remote. “Hi,” he said, looking shy and self-conscious.
Macy smiled and entered the room. “Thank you for letting me stop by before the transplant.”
He shrugged and dropped his gaze to the blankets that covered his legs. “Sure, why not?”
“If we’d have found you through the Marrow Donor Program, we would have had to wait a year before making direct contact.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s supposed to protect both the donor and the recipient, but meeting you is making me feel a lot better about what’s happening. I appreciate your willingness to take a risk on our behalf.”
He cleared his throat. “No problem.”
“What made you come in and be tested in the first place?” she asked.
“I saw the flyer posted in the library at school.”
“You go to the U?”
He nodded. “I’m a business major. Actually, my brother Bill is a med student. He’s mentioned you a time or two, and was tested himself, so when I saw you putting up that flyer in the library, I thought I’d be tested, too.”
“Thanks,” Macy said simply. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”
“You don’t have to be grateful. I just hope everything works out for your little girl.”
Macy hesitated, knowing she should leave but wanting one last thing from this young man. “Can I hug you, John? Would that be okay?”
He looked slightly more uncomfortable than he had before, but he nodded, and Macy put her arms around him.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
She felt his arms tighten around her for the briefest moment, then he pulled awkwardly away. But Macy thought it was the best hug she’d ever had.
“God bless you,” she murmured, and lef
t.
* * *
THE TRANSPLANT WENT smoothly. Macy stayed with Haley until it was over, then headed to the lobby where she knew Thad and his mother and sister were waiting, along with her own mother and Lisa.
When she arrived, she saw the women seated together on one side of the lobby and Thad by himself on the other, pacing near the far wall. His sister occasionally tossed him a sympathetic look, but his mother and Lisa refused to acknowledge his presence, and Edna looked as though she’d give him a good piece of her mind at the first opportunity.
Macy wondered if she should try to talk to them. How they were treating Thad wasn’t really fair, but with everything else going on in her life right now, she couldn’t face sorting through the reasons. Thad was a big boy. Certainly he could handle the consequences of their little business arrangement. He’d made Haley’s operation possible, but she’d pay him in full measure with a baby, even if she wasn’t pregnant now. Beyond that, she owed him nothing.
“How did it go?” her mother asked as soon as Edna saw her. Lisa stood, the others looked up expectantly, and Thad hovered closer.
“Fine. Everything went fine.” She smiled, feeling the relief of it. So far, so good, she wanted to add. “They’re taking Haley back to her room right now.”
Lisa swallowed her in a hug. June followed suit. “I was praying for her, the poor thing. Thank God it went well.”
Macy nodded, trying not to let her eyes dart to Thad, trying not to read the expression on his face or acknowledge the longing she felt in his presence. “Thanks for coming, everyone,” she said.
“We’re not going anywhere, honey,” June said. “It’s just about time for lunch. Why don’t you go ahead and study for tomorrow’s final, and your mother and I, or Lisa, will go sit with Haley. She’ll nap most of the afternoon anyway, I’m sure. She’s been pretty tired lately.”
“Anyone who goes in has to wear a mask.”
“We can do that,” Lisa said.
One last opportunity to study…. “You’ll beep me if anything goes wrong?” Macy asked.
“Immediately,” Edna chimed in.
“Everything will be fine,” Lisa reassured her.
Macy nodded. “Then I think I will study. No use failing my first exam, huh?” She gave them all a weak smile, forever conscious of Thad standing just a few feet away. He’d said she wouldn’t be happy with intimacy on his terms, but sometimes her resolve felt so weak she thought she’d accept him on any terms.
She knew she was better off boarding up her heart and forcing it into cold storage, however, which was what she was trying to do now, but it wouldn’t cooperate. It thumped against her rib cage at the merest thought of him. And her mind was in collusion with her heart, because every time she dropped her guard, it played back the memory of him touching her, kissing her. The hurt she’d gone through with Richard had been bad, but she’d been able to console herself with the fact that he hadn’t turned out to be the type of man she wanted to share her whole life with, anyway. Occasionally she missed his smile and his practical jokes, but his affairs had caused her to lose too much respect for him. By the time he’d left, most of her love had died, too. But getting over Thad was going to be infinitely more difficult, because he was so much more to lose.
“Thad, don’t you have to go back to work or something?” his mother demanded, tossing him a cold glance.
Thad grimaced but finally caved in to the hostility surrounding him and stalked out. Macy would have felt sorry for him except that she couldn’t afford to soften where he was concerned. She waited for the others to gather their handbags, then went up to tell Haley goodbye before snagging her backpack out of a chair and setting off to the university library.
Her hopes of becoming a doctor hung on one more week.
* * *
HER FIRST FINAL was in hematopathology. At nine o’clock Tuesday morning, Macy sat down in the testing center and stared at the ten-page exam. Then she broke into a cold sweat.
Taking a deep breath through her nose, Macy decided she had to relax. She wouldn’t be able to think if she didn’t calm down. The exam was going to be difficult enough without heart palpitations and dizzy spells.
Flexing her fingers, she shook them out, then gripped her pencil, careful not to raise her eyes to the level of the other students for fear the testing monitor would think she was trying to cheat. She could do this. She hadn’t been able to attend the lectures as much as she would have liked, but hematopathology was her favorite class, and she’d read the material several times.
Only problem was, she hadn’t been able to concentrate very well.
She wrote her name on the test and filled in the bubbles that would enable the computer to score her work, then her mind strayed to Haley and how well her daughter had survived her first day after the transplant. The doctors were saying that the marrow was already starting to engraft, and so far there hadn’t been any hint of GVHD. Could it be possible that this less-than-perfect match was one Haley’s body would accept?
It would be a miracle, a miracle made possible by a tall, skinny man named John Taylor. Macy pictured him lying in his hospital bed, and her heart swelled with gratitude.
Fortunately John hadn’t developed any complications from the transplant, either, and had been released that morning. Macy had stopped by the hospital to wish him well, but he’d already gone without leaving any word for her and, apparently, without expecting any further thanks.
A testing monitor walked slowly past Macy’s desk, drawing her attention back to the exam.
Focus, she ordered herself, and started on the first question. She’d managed to work her way through two pages before Thad stole into her thoughts. Then she set down her pencil and rubbed her eyes. She missed him. A full day hadn’t passed since she’d seen him, but it felt like forever. Was he at work? Going on with his life as though they’d never met? Hoping she was pregnant? Hoping she wasn’t?
Turning to page three, Macy picked up her pencil and got back to work. She was going to pass this exam, she promised herself, and all the others. She couldn’t control Haley’s illness and she couldn’t control Thad’s heart, but she could take charge of her personal success. She’d cram all week, give each subject her very best and get back to the original plan for her life—the one that didn’t include a man.
And, God willing, Haley would get well and start kindergarten next fall, and she would go on to her third year of med school.
What if there was a baby?
Macy glanced at her watch. She had forty minutes left. After her exam, she’d go straight to the hospital and have them give her a pregnancy test. She’d been trying to allow enough time for her body to secrete the hormones associated with pregnancy so the reading would be accurate. But she couldn’t wait any longer.
* * *
THAD SAT at his desk and stared down at a 3x5 glossy photograph of him and Macy standing side by side at their wedding, and let himself think of her for the first time in more than a week. He’d been so behind at the office that it hadn’t been difficult to throw himself back into developing new ad campaigns, meeting with directors for various commercials, sitting through auditions for the actors, and wining and dining local radio execs. Since Valerie had died, he’d grown accustomed to ignoring his emotions and burying himself in work.
He was in charge. Things were back on track and going well. He’d visited Haley twice, both times while Macy was taking one of her final exams, and had finally made up with his mother. She still badgered him about trying to make his marriage work, but other than that, he hadn’t let himself dwell on Macy. He hadn’t even thought of her.
Okay, he’d had a couple of dreams where he finished what he’d started that night in her room. But he couldn’t expect himself to be able to control his dreams. Dreams just happened. All he could do was forget her as soon as he awoke, and he did that right away.
Well, maybe not right away. It usually took him a good couple of hours to get her off his mind
completely. But by lunchtime…or maybe it was closer to four o’clock, every thought of his new wife was well buried.
Except this afternoon. He’d forgotten he’d asked his secretary to have the roll of film he’d taken in Vegas developed. He’d returned from lunch with Kevin and Martin Slinkerhoff, where they’d spent two hours going over the revised budget for the new Rustler’s Roost commercials, to find the Fast Photo envelope on his desk. And now he couldn’t help smiling at the sight of Macy wearing that fabulous, formfitting dress.
“That’s a sight I haven’t seen for several days,” Luanne observed, marching into his office to deposit a stack of mail on his desk.
“What sight?” he murmured, still mesmerized by Macy and the memories the pictures evoked. She’d been so nervous that day, so vulnerable and beautiful….
“You’re smiling,” Luanne said. “You’ve been scowling and growling for over a week now, and working harder than I’ve ever seen you work. And you were a far cry from lazy before.”
Thad shoved the pictures away, feeling the scowl return. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, going through the stack of envelopes she’d brought him.
“Oh, yeah? Well, everyone else around here does. Just ask them. We’re all trying to decide exactly what’s bothering you. We think Kevin knows, but he won’t say.”
Thad paused midway through the mail. At least Kevin had left him that one small dignity. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy, after all. He’d quit laughing at him, too, but now he was starting to give him pitying, I’m-worried-about-you looks, and that was at least twice as annoying. “There’s nothing wrong.”
“I thought you’d say that.” Luanne sighed loudly and headed back to her station out front of his office.
“Close the door behind you. I don’t want to be disturbed.”
“Heaven forbid,” she muttered, but the door had barely clicked shut when Thad came across an envelope from Primary Care Hospital. Was it a bill? Had there been additional charges for Haley’s transplant that Macy couldn’t afford?
Slipping his finger under the lip, he tore the envelope and pulled out something that looked like a lab report and bill combined. They wanted seventy dollars for something. He didn’t understand the percentages and medical inscriptions on the report, but he recognized the name of the patient at the top: Macy Winters.
