‘Yes,’ Harriet replied, indignantly.
‘So why the bloody hell am I constantly hearing you talk about work, reading emails and disappearing off for hours on end for conference calls!’
‘I—’
‘Look, don’t get me wrong.’ Nancy held out her hand, palm down. ‘ I get that you have to work and I get that you’re a single parent trying to provide for your children and I get that you are a driven and determined human being who wants to excel with her business … I get all that! But you need to take a break otherwise you are going to go mad! You will burn yourself out and you will get ill.’
‘Nancy—’
‘You had the perfect opportunity downstairs to make a really nice friend and you just walked off and practically threw her invitation back in her face. I spoke to Jayne after you left and she’s lovely. She kept saying how nice you were and how you reminded her of her friend who really struggled with being a mum but didn’t tell anyone and ended up being depressed and making herself really ill. She went out of her way to come over to you and all you could do was say you had to make a bloody phone call!’
‘If you’ll just let me talk—’
‘Why? So you can give me your usual spiel of how you have to work and how the company cannot survive without you there, blah blah…’
‘For fuck’s sake Nance, will you shut up a second and let me bloody talk!’
The girls both stood for a second staring at each other, both highly wired with frustration and emotion. Nancy felt her chest rising and falling rapidly, her breathing a reflection of her heartbeat. Her anger and frustration had built steadily from when Harriet had walked off; peaking when she got to their door and she saw Harriet was still working. She had spent days trying to find the right moment to bring this up properly and instead, it had just come out in an angry rant.
After a moment of silence where you could cut the tension in the room with a knife, Nancy prompted her response. ‘Well? Go on, I’m listening.’
But the response that came wasn’t what Nancy had expected because Harriet just dropped down to the bed, put her head in her hands and simply said, ‘I can’t do it anymore.’
Chapter 25
‘What do you mean you can’t do it anymore?’
Harriet let the words wash over her as she sat, head in hands, on the bed. She was exhausted. She just couldn’t have this same conversation over and over anymore, she had had enough and Nancy’s explosion had just confirmed what she thought in her head. She wasn’t coping.
She lifted her head and blinked away the tears that had begun to form in her eyes. ‘I can’t do this.’ She gestured to the other room with her hand, indicating the children. ‘I’m rubbish at it and I don’t know what I’m doing.’
She watched Nancy look over to the room, then back to her. ‘I don’t understand.’ She moved and sat on the bed next to Harriet.
‘This is what I mean. You don’t understand because you get it, you can do it. You have a lovely relationship with Jack and you don’t find it easy, but you still manage to do it – it comes naturally to you.’
‘What does?’
‘Being a mum!’ she shouted, throwing her hands up and slapping them back down onto her knees. ‘You just seem to know what to do, when to do it and how you’re going to do it. Me? I can’t get through a day without failing in some way.’
‘Failing? Shut up, you are not failing.’ Nancy laughed, obviously trying to be reassuring that Harriet was being silly, but Harriet took it offensively, like she was being laughed at and it made her more frustrated.
‘Nancy, I am. I look at all these mums on my Facebook page or at the school gates and they totally have their shit together. And it comes easy to them; they don’t even have to think about it. I have to really think about every single thing I do. It’s so hard.’
‘See, that’s where you’re going wrong – straightaway,’ Nancy replied, and Harriet frowned, confused. ‘You’re too busy comparing yourself to all the other bloody parents out there.’
‘You can bloody talk!’ Harriet responded, thinking about how Nancy beat herself up over being a parent to an autistic child and thinking others were coping better than she was.
‘Yes exactly, but I am saying do as I say, not as I do.’ They both started laughing and Nancy leaned over and gave Harriet a cuddle. ‘You’re not a crap mum – you’re one of the hardest-working mummies I know. You just need to learn when enough is enough.’
‘Nance, I feel like I’m going mad.’ Her voice was small and childlike.
‘Why?’
Harriet paused for a moment, deciding whether to be honest and say what had been playing on her mind for months now or whether to keep covering it up and hoping it would go away, which would be the easier option. But she wasn’t sure how much longer her sanity would keep her going. Admitting the truth about how she was feeling would show she was weak, and regardless of how long she had known Nancy, and she knew her friend wouldn’t judge her, admitting she was struggling as much as she was meant that she had to admit to herself that she was failing at something. And Harriet didn’t fail at anything. If she wanted to be the successful person she so desperately wanted to be and show Andy that he was the one losing out, then she couldn’t admit to failing at anything. Not her job and not her parenting.
But the more she thought about it, the more she panicked that maybe this was no longer in her control. Mentally and emotionally, she did not have control at all. Work was controlling her and the feeling frightened her.
Nancy’s voice pulled her out of the haze. ‘You know you can talk to me. I know you don’t like to open up but honestly, if you keep bottling things up inside it will drive you mad.’
Harriet took a deep breath. ‘I think there’s something wrong with me.’ The words barely came out. They felt sticky in her throat and she had to really force them to come up. ‘I don’t feel … I mean, I kind of … um,’ she shifted on the bed. ‘It’s just I … um…’
Nancy put her hand on Harriet’s to steady her. ‘It’s OK, what is it?’
Harriet looked at her friend and felt an overwhelming urge to burst into tears. ‘I haven’t told anyone this, just remember that, OK?’ Nancy nodded. ‘And I’m not proud of myself.’
‘O … K…’
‘And please don’t hate me…’
‘Oh God, Hari, are you in some sort of trouble? Because you know I’ll stand by you, but if you’ve killed someone I’m not helping you bury the body – I don’t think I could handle that.’
Harriet slapped her on the arm playfully. ‘I haven’t killed anyone, you daft cow!’
‘Well that’s a relief because I was starting to picture us being cellmates and I don’t think orange is my colour.’
‘I think it’s only orange in America – you watch too much TV!’
‘Good to know.’
Another pause. ‘I don’t feel close to Tommy.’
Nancy nodded. ‘In what way, because you work all the time?’
Harriet shook her head. ‘I feel like we don’t have … like … a bond.’ She looked away, ashamed of herself.
‘And how long have you felt like this?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I guess I never felt like I connected with him right from the start. He came so quickly and I wasn’t prepared at work for him to come and Dickhead wasn’t any help and it was hard juggling both a newborn and the workload and I guess I just felt like he was—’she stopped, hanging her head. ‘I just felt like everything was fine before he came along.’ She hiccupped and let a tear fall. ‘I’m such a shit.’
‘Hey, no you’re not!’ Nancy pulled her closer.
‘I went to the doctor’s.’
‘When?’
‘When Tommy was about 12 weeks.’ She sniffed and wiped her cheek with her hand. ‘He said I had postnatal depression.’
‘Oh my God, Harriet, why didn’t you talk to me!’ Her tone was firm but it was laden with love, and with sadness. It just made Harrie
t feel guilty.
‘Because I didn’t want anyone to know that I had failed – yet again!’
‘You didn’t fail, you were depressed.’
‘But how can all these other mums do it and enjoy it and here I am, incapable of doing just the normal things any parent does. I just kept crying every time I looked at him and then he would cry and then Isla would cry.’
‘And what did the doctor say to you?’
‘I had some counselling but the woman just made me feel worse. So I pretended that everything was getting better and I got really good at acting like everything was fine. But Nance…’ She paused and looked her in the eye. ‘Everything isn’t ok. I’m struggling and I don’t know what to do.’
‘It’s OK, we will sort this. The main thing is that you’ve spoken to me about it and that is the first step, so halle-fucking-lujah for that. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me!’
Harriet appreciated Nancy’s no-nonsense talk. If she had turned around and been nice to her and soft-spoken, she would probably have broken down and then it would have got messy. Nancy knew Harriet and she knew how she worked, she knew that Harriet would be more receptive to the harsh, regimented approach.
‘Nance, Tommy is over a year old now – it can’t still be postnatal depression. So what is going on – why am I struggling so much?’
‘I don’t think there’s a set time on postnatal depression, especially if you never really got proper help for it. The main thing is that you are talking about it. Now that you’ve spoken to me, you need to speak to a professional.’ Harriet was already shaking her head. ‘What?’
‘No, I can’t go back to counselling. The woman made me feel even worse, as though she was looking down her nose at me and smiling with a face like one I wanted to slap.’
‘Well, what about your mum?’
Harriet burst out laughing, a little too loudly than was necessary. ‘If there was ever a person who makes me feel worse than how I feel about myself, it’s my mother.’
‘What? I thought she’d been alright recently?’
‘No, she’s got really bad again. She had a go at me because Tommy was in kids’ club and I was working.’
‘That’s why you got him out of kids’ club.’
Harriet looked ashamed. ‘I just wanted to try doing the right thing, but it just feels so alien to me. With Isla it was different, I couldn’t tell you why. I just felt like with her I got things done and it all happened without any problem but with Tommy, it’s like wading through mud just to do the simplest of tasks.’
‘Do you think that maybe it’s because you had more support when you had Isla at home?’
‘But their dad was still around when Tommy was born.’
‘Not really though, was he? I mean, in person he was there but emotionally you two were already separated. Do you think that maybe with Isla you were a team but when you had Tommy, essentially you were a single parent before Andy even left?’
Harriet considered this for a moment. ‘I guess.’
‘But you still feel like it with Tommy now?’ she pressed.
‘Yeah, I just feel like I don’t know him and he’s always crying and whinging – it’s like he doesn’t like me.’
‘I think that’s probably more a case of he’s sensing that you’re stressed. Kids are like that, they know when you aren’t feeling right so maybe he’s sensing your anxiety and that’s making him feel anxious too?’
‘But I can’t help it.’
‘I didn’t say you could.’ Nancy paused. ‘Is that why you are being funny with that Jayne? Because you think she’s interfering?’
Harriet shook her head. ‘No, I just don’t want her to see how much I can’t do it. I don’t want anyone to see that I can’t do it. The fewer mum friends I have, the less people can judge and look down their noses at me.’
‘Hari, they’re not judging you—’
‘Some of them are, Nance.’
‘Do you know what, they probably are, but isn’t that their problem? I feel judged all the time and I agree, it sucks! You’re not alone, Hari, I’m right there with you feeling like a rubbish parent. But I guess, we are doing our best and ultimately, we are doing it because we love our children and we want them to be happy. Am I right?’ Harriet nodded. ‘I am on this journey with you, I’m not against you. Don’t shut me out because right now you need support from someone who loves you and guess what … that someone is me.’ She smiled and Harriet wiped away the moisture from her face.
‘Why does it have to be so damn hard?’
‘Right, step one – stop feeling sorry for yourself. Step two – you need to see a doctor so that they can help you emotionally and step three – you need to make an effort with Jayne. I think she will be good for you. Just try and enjoy her company. See what happens.’
‘I guess.’
Nancy took her hand. ‘Hari, I am here for you. I won’t laugh at you when you get things wrong and I won’t judge you. Trust me. Stop trying to take the world on your shoulders. You are always there for me when I struggle with Jack, now it’s my turn to repay the gesture. Friends for twenty-two years, Hari, you know I’ve got your back.’
‘Thanks Nance,’ Harriet squeaked.
‘Right, get in the shower and get ready – we are going to a beach party!’
Chapter 26
‘Hey, you made it!’ Jayne sauntered over to them holding two drinks, handing them over when she reached them. ‘These are called Elderflower Gin Fizz and they are awesome!’
‘Sounds good,’ Nancy said as she took the glass and gave Harriet a glare.
‘Yeah thanks.’ Harriet took the glass. ‘And, err, sorry for rushing off earlier. It was rude of me.’
‘Oh, not at all, its fine. Hey, when you’ve got to work, you’ve got to work. Money doesn’t grow on trees.’ Harriet smiled, and Nancy could see that she felt uncomfortable but she was proud that she was at least trying. ‘But listen, make sure you be kind to yourself, yeah? Your health and mind are more important than any job.’
Jayne walked off and Harriet hissed at Nancy, ‘Have you said something to her!’
‘Of course I haven’t,’ she replied, sipping her cocktail which turned out to be very nice indeed.
‘Then why is she talking about my mind – you must’ve said something to her.’
Nancy could see the panic in Harriet’s face and felt sorry for her friend. As a private person Harriet would be mortified if she thought a stranger knew that stuff about her. But Nancy hadn’t said anything. ‘Hari, I’ve been with you ever since we spoke – when would I have had the chance to say anything, huh?’
Harriet was quiet for a minute and then said, ‘Hmm, you have a point there.’
‘Look she’s just being nice, that’s what she’s like. She was telling me earlier about this mindfulness and holistic therapy stuff she does – she’s genuinely just a nice person.’
‘Well, you won’t see me meditating and doing yoga – but I’ll be nice, I promise.’
Nancy rolled her eyes and made her way over to the benched area where Jack and Isla had already set up camp with their electronics and colouring books. The set up for the party was incredible. It was hosted by the hotel and they had a whole area of the beach decorated with fairy lights and bunting and seated areas with draped material creating different spaces – it was really pretty. It was a calm evening weather-wise and there was a slight breeze which was welcome after the blazing hot day they had experienced today. Nancy loved a crisp spring morning , but having the sunshine and heat for a bit whilst they had been away had been lovely.
‘Apparently, they do this once a year. It’s to celebrate the hotel’s opening anniversary.’
‘That might explain why it was so damn expensive to come here for this week – I just assumed it was because of the school holidays.’
‘That probably doesn’t help either!’ Nancy took her phone out and began snapping pictures. She then turned to Jack and Isla. ‘Smile kids!�
�� Isla turned and suitably posed as she normally did. Jack did his usual smile where he drew his mouth into a tight line. It wasn’t really a smile, but he thought it was so Nancy didn’t dispute it. She then spun the camera round and put her arm around Harriet. ‘Smile!’
‘Here, why don’t I take that for you?’
Nancy glanced at Cameron and instantly felt the butterflies in her tummy flutter. He looked gorgeous in his white linen shirt and stone coloured chinos. He smiled, not taking his eyes off Nancy and she felt herself blush. What she wouldn’t give to slide her hand into the open top button of his shirt and glide her fingers over his chest. She shook the thought from her mind and broke the eye contact, embarrassed to be thinking of him in that way.
‘Cheers Cam!’ Harriet took Nancy’s phone and passed it over.
‘It’s Cam now is it?’ Nancy whispered as she smiled for the camera.
‘What? He’s always around, he’s practically family now.’ She giggled and then demanded to see the photo so she could vet it before it went online.
‘My eye looks wonky, can you take it again?’
They posed for a second time and after the fifth time they finally had a picture Harriet was happy with.
‘Right, are we happy? This one can go on Facebook, yes?’ Nancy waited for Harriet to agree before pressing send; she did it quickly before she could change her mind again. ‘It’s done, there’s no going back now.’
‘Right, who is ready for a game of sticky glue?’ Cameron said, loud enough for the children around him to hear.
‘Me!’
‘I am!’
‘I want to play!’
‘Mummy, can I play?’ Isla asked.
‘Of course you can.’
‘I think the mummies and daddies should play too,’ Cameron said, cheekily smiling at Nancy and Nancy found herself smiling back involuntarily. He had one of those faces where you only had to look at him smiling and you found yourself doing it too. Maybe it was because he was a doctor, they always had calming, reassuring faces, didn’t they? Especially ones who worked with children. For the second time since she had met him, she was drawn to the tattoo on his chest which was only just visible through the opening at the front where he had left his buttons undone. She still couldn’t make out what the design was – maybe she would ask him at some point. Although that would mean admitting that she had been staring at his chest. Maybe not then.
Mums Just Wanna Have Fun Page 16
