‘Come on, this way. Quick!’ Cameron started running and Nancy followed behind, praying that this was their lead.
***
Harriet paced the bedroom, every few minutes looking out of the window to follow up a noise she heard. Isla was now asleep again with Alice in Wonderland still playing on the television. The noise from it was just muffled white noise as a zillion negative thoughts ran through her mind. Nancy was never going to forgive her – and rightly so. How could she have let this happen? She didn’t know how it could’ve happened but there must’ve been something she could have done to stop it. Maybe she had been so into her work that she hadn’t heard anything. But he had been next door – the bedroom door had been open for crying out loud. The sheer confusion of it all made her brain ache. She jumped at the sound of her mobile ringing and instantly snapped it up in case it was news – plus she didn’t want it to wake the children up.
‘Hello?’ she whispered down the receiver as she took herself to stand in the doorway of their two rooms. She didn’t want to leave the room – she needed to stay with them. If there was someone out there taking children then she’d be damned if she was going to leave them.
‘Harriet, its Mum.’
Fuck. The last person she wanted to speak to right now. She should’ve looked at caller ID. ‘Hi Mum. Look right now isn’t the best time.’
‘Listen Harriet, I know you’re a busy woman and you keep telling me how you have lots to do but if you can’t just make time for your mother then—’
‘It’s not that—’
‘Don’t interrupt me when I am speaking – it’s rude.’
Pot – kettle, Harriet thought. Maybe talking to her would keep her mind off what was happening right now. It wasn’t like she could do anything whilst she was bound to the room. She leaned against the doorframe and laid her head back closing her eyes. It was all such a mess.
‘What I am calling for is to ask you what on earth you think you are playing at?’
Her tone was stern and Harriet opened her eyes in confusion, frowning as she racked her brain as to what she had done wrong now. ‘I’m sorry?’
‘You think getting a nanny is going to solve all your problems, do you?’
Oh, that. She had sent her mum a text explaining her new plan for when she returned from holiday. She’d known it wouldn’t go down well.
‘Palming off your children to someone else isn’t parenting, Harriet. It’s lazy and unfair and I am really disappointed in you.’
More disappointment, great. She didn’t think her mum could be more disappointed in her but clearly she was wrong. ‘Listen Mum, now isn’t the best time – we have a lot going on here and—’
‘Harriet, you will talk about this nonsense now with me because I am struggling to understand why you don’t want to look after your children.’
‘I do want to look after my children, Mum!’ she raised her voice but then instantly dropped it again when Isla shuffled in bed. ‘It’s not that simple.’
‘Of course it’s that simple. How hard can it be – you have children, you look after those children. You don’t pop out children to pay someone else to look after them. That isn’t parenting.’
Harriet pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers and exhaled. ‘Mum, I am looking after them; I just need some help, that’s all.’ It really pained her to admit she needed help at the best of times, but to have to do it to her mum – this was brutal.
‘Oh nonsense. Bethany doesn’t have help – I didn’t have help.’ Here we go, standard comparison to the sister time. Bethany does this and Bethany does that. Bethany is the perfect parent who never struggles and gets everything right. Harriet went to speak but, as usual, he mum was there first. ‘I have to say, I am rather disappointed in you, Harriet. I know you like your little career,’ Harriet cringed at her mother’s disrespect for her company. ‘But you really have to look at your priorities again and decide what you want. You have the rest of your life to do your little job, why do your children have to suffer because you’re being selfish and choosing to work over spending time with them.’
‘I am not choosing work over my children.’
‘Looks like it to me. You’re going to employ a person to be your children’s mother – where is the sense in that. Do you not want to be a mum?’
That one hurt. Harriet could feel the rage building up inside. She was always respectful of her mum – and a little bit scared – so she never really answered back or challenged her. But today she was really testing her willpower. ‘Of course I want to be a mum. I just can’t do everything.’
‘But Bethany manages it – I managed it.’
‘But I’m not Bethany and I’m not you!’ Harriet slid down the door frame and sat on the floor, head in her hands. ‘Mum, I need a bit of help, that’s all. I will still be looking after my children and I’m not being a terrible mother by asking for some help.’ She said the words but she wasn’t sure she 100 per cent believed them. It was great when she had Jayne or Nancy behind her to convince her she was doing the right thing, but fighting her corner against her mother, that was always going to be a hard battle to win. And she was flagging.
‘Well, I want you to know that I’m not happy about this. If you’re adamant on palming off your children, then at least have someone look after them that they know and respect, like me.’
‘No Mum, its fine.’
‘I can pick them up from school and nursery most days. I normally do the WI on Wednesdays but I suppose I will have to postpone those meetings for now until you feel able to take the children back a bit.’
‘Mum, I said I don’t need you to do that.’ She wasn’t listening.
‘And then I could take them back to your house and feed them there because, let’s face it, they are going to be out of routine as it is with their mother working all the time and palming them off so they will need as much stability as they can get.’
If she said palming off one more time, Harriet was at risk of exploding and saying something she may regret.
‘So if you could maybe bring yourself to finish early on a Friday so my weekend isn’t cut short looking after your children then I—’
‘Mum! Enough!’ Shit. She had committed to this now. Her heart was racing but she just couldn’t sit there and let her berate her like this. ‘I do not need you looking after my children and I also do not need you saying all this to me right now. There are more important things going on at this moment in time.’
‘More important that your children, Harriet?’ her mum said sternly.
‘That isn’t what I meant! Look, Jack has gone missing and we have the whole damn hotel and police out there looking for him so do excuse me if this isn’t the right time to be sitting here whilst my mum tells me how much of a failure at parenting I am. Yes, I enjoy my work and yes, I need help. It has taken me a bloody long time to admit it, but I need help – so I would appreciate your support in this instance rather than you reiterating to me that I am not coping.’
‘Harriet—’
‘No Mum, I can’t have this conversation right now so if you’ll excuse me, I need to go. I’ll talk to you when I get home but I am getting some paid help and the children will be absolutely fine. They aren’t neglected, and they are loved. I just need some … help!’
There was silence on the phone line so Harriet just added. ‘I’ll talk to you next week Mum, and … I’m sorry for shouting. Bye.’ And she hung up before anything else could be said. Exhaling and putting her head in her hands she swallowed back the tears. Again, if anyone could make her feel like an even shittier mum it was her own mother and her constant comparisons to her perfect sister.
She needed a drink after that.
Chapter 38
‘Nancy, what is he wearing?’ Cameron called out as they ran along the side of the kitchen area and past some members of staff who were standing outside on their cigarette break, confused looks as they watched the pair of them sprint by.
&nb
sp; ‘His pyjamas. Orange and black pyjamas.’ She couldn’t breathe. A mixture of being suitably unfit and holding back the emotion meant that her throat felt clogged and restricted as she ran. But it didn’t matter, the adrenalin was keeping her going and with every step she took, a surge of energy came with it. They reached the playground area and both stopped outside the gate, scanning round as quickly as they could for an initial check. The moon was bright tonight; it felt like it was trying to help them out, to give them hope. In the evenings it wasn’t usually cold, but Nancy could feel a breeze and it made her shiver. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the drop in temperature, or because she was panicking, but the hairs on her arms all lifted and stood to attention as she looked at the darkening park area. It had started to get dark really quickly, she thought. When she’d left the restaurant it had still been moderately light but as they had been running around, the sky had deepened in colour as the sun dropped away and the moon rose to take the night shift. It wasn’t pitch black, but to a seven-year-old, in a place he didn’t know, with his anxious tendencies too – it would be terrifying. The thought of him alone right now made Nancy want to vomit and she had to take a moment to steady herself on the railings that surrounded the playground. The railings felt cold, hard, and metallic under her touch. She looked at her hands, gripping them tight, her knuckles white and she instantly thought of Jack and his white knuckles whenever he grabbed onto her for reassurance. She let out a small whimper as more of her hope ebbed away, through her fingertips and into the nothingness.
There were smaller, streetlamp type lights surrounding the actual park area but these had not been switched on yet. She wondered why they were still off, why they weren’t beaming their rays over the playground. It was too dark for children to be playing in here, was that why? The children would all be in bed, which was where Jack should be.
It was a fairly large play area and Nancy couldn’t believe they hadn’t come across it yet. It may have been in the brochure they had in their room but in all honesty, they hadn’t looked at it when they arrived – just vowed to explore the place on foot and find everything as they came across it. Now she wished she had looked at it because the children would love it here. She stood looking into the gloom, the outlines of the apparatus glistening in the moonlight, creating silhouettes of shapes and designs which, under different circumstances, would look pretty amazing. She could see why Jack loved shapes so much; it looked pretty spectacular in this lighting.
Cameron touched her arm to bring her out of her daze. ‘If you take the left-hand side, I’ll take the right and we’ll meet together in the middle, OK?’ She nodded in response, puppet like and feeling as though she was experiencing some kind of outer body moment. Was this actually happening? Was she in another country looking for her seven-year-old son who had gone missing? It didn’t feel real, yet the harsh reality of it was staring her in the face.
She took off towards the slide and swings, darting around the objects and trying to stay fast but negotiate the obstacles successfully. ‘Jack?’ she called, bending low underneath the slide and skimming through onto the other side. ‘Jack?’ She felt the emotion catch in her throat as the sheer scale of the situation was pressing down on her again. She could hear Cameron shouting in the distance, calling for Jack too. Every time she heard his name she felt like a part of her heart fell away. Would she ever see his little face again? Was this punishment? Her comeuppance for saying she was struggling with him? For going out on a date when she should have been with him? She should never have let herself be distracted by a man. Of all things – a man! It was just her and Jack, that’s all it ever needed to be. This was what happened when she let unnecessary distractions happen. Annoyed with herself, she climbed over the steps leading into the little hut on the far side of the playground and peered inside the window. Nothing. Not even a discarded flip flop or old juice box. Sheer emptiness. Just like her body – empty, void, nothing without Jack. She had to find him, but she was fast losing all hope. She pulled her head out of the window and lifted her hands to hold them on top of her head, trying so very desperately to think. Where would he go, what would he do? He couldn’t have just disappeared.
‘Nancy quick!’ Her heart stopped beating for a second as the words washed over her. ‘I’ve found him!’
She stumbled as she ran faster than she had ever run before, the sobs escaping from her mouth uncontrollably as she did. ‘Where are you?’ she yelled, frantically looking around in her dimming surroundings, unable to make out where Cameron was. ‘Cameron!’
‘Over here, follow the light.’
Suddenly a small light lit up – obviously the torch on his phone – and Nancy could see Cameron’s silhouette. She darted in and out of the different playground equipment, leaping over the see saw like a gazelle, finally reaching the treehouse he was standing in front of.
‘Where is he?’ she barked, looking around him and then behind herself. ‘I can’t see him!’
‘He’s up there.’ Cameron pointed to the treehouse. ‘He’s frightened; he wouldn’t come down with me so I told him to wait for you.’ He touched the small of her back and ushered her forward to the steps. She took them two at a time and ignored the burning sensation in her glutes as the effects of sudden exercise made her muscles scream out in confusion. Reaching the top, she peered over the edge and instantly saw a huddled shadow in the corner of the room. ‘Jack,’ she said, more like an exhalation of breath than actual words.
He lifted his head and squeaked, ‘Mummy?’
‘Oh baby, yes it’s me.’ She climbed in and crawled over to him, pulling him into her arms and sobbing uncontrollably and he cried too. ‘Oh, I was so worried. You poor thing, are you OK?’ It was like her body was crumbling. The relief of finding him, the sadness of the situation and the joy that had erupted when she saw his little face looking back at her – it was overwhelming. She could feel her body melt into his as she held him, pain seared in her chest as the release of emotions took hold.
He didn’t respond, instead just cried and cried. So she held him. She held him tighter than she had ever held him before. But he just squirmed in her arms, sobbing. She tried to gently calm him but he was inconsolable. He thrashed around, unable to control his emotions and it broke her heart that she couldn’t comfort him. He didn’t want to be held, he didn’t want to move and he didn’t want to talk. He just cried and cried and as Nancy watched her son struggling so much with his fear, her world fell apart that little bit more. Touching him made it worse, but he also didn’t want her to move away from him. He was battling with his demons and as Nancy watched him, tears streaming down her face, she could see the inner turmoil he was suffering but she couldn’t do anything about it. She felt helpless. She was his mum, she should be able to take away all the worry and fear, but she couldn’t. Every inch of her skin screamed out to hold him. He howled as he fought with his desire to be reassured but without being touched.
‘Jack, it’s OK,’ Nancy tried, keeping her voice light and comforting, but he couldn’t concentrate on his surge of emotion as well as her voice. Nancy sat, just watching. Just being there, being a body. Knowing that at least he was safe. She had to let him get through this first before they could move.
After a few moments, Cameron’s head appeared in the doorway of the treehouse and Nancy instantly saw the sadness in his eyes as he took in the scene in front of him; Nancy sat cross-legged in the corner looking distraught and Jack in a ball, crying and writhing around. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked softly, seemingly not sure what else to say. Nancy just shrugged, her chin beginning to quiver. ‘Shall we try and get him back to your room – he might feel better in some familiar surroundings?’
‘Jack?’ Nancy tentatively tried to get his attention. ‘Shall we go back to the room? Harriet will be wondering where you are.’
‘I want to go home,’ he sobbed. At least he was responding to her voice now.
Nancy looked at Cameron and he smiled sadly at her. She tried
a different approach. ‘We are going home very soon, but whilst we are on holiday, our home is our room at the hotel. Do you want to go to that home?’ Silence. ‘Come on baby, it’s late and it’s nice and cosy in our room. We can get your iPad and you can lie in bed with Grand Designs – how’s that sound?’
Still silence, just the occasional sniff and his crying calmed to a soft whimper. Nancy started to move forwards to place her hand on his arm but he squirmed and shouted, ‘I want to go home!’
She recoiled in surprise at his sudden outburst and found she was shaking. She looked at Cameron. ‘Maybe you could call Harriet and let her know we have him and ask her to let everyone else know – I don’t think we will be going back to the room anytime soon.’ Cameron nodded and she gave him her phone after selecting Harriet’s number.
It was going to be a long night.
Chapter 39
The following morning Harriet woke up to the sound of Isla reading Tommy a book. Actually reading was probably an ambitious word. It was more a case of Isla turning the pages and making up her own little stories which involved a princess who was really mad at a dragon for not being her friend just because she was a girl. So the princess gained some magical powers by eating some sweets and made the dragon change its mind and they became best friends and went on adventures.
Isla clearly had the potential of being a children’s entertainer when she was older with that eccentric mind. Either that or a writer – writers were all as crazy as a box of frogs!
Harriet rolled over and checked her phone – 06:45. She groaned. She had finally got to sleep about 4.30 a.m. once Nancy and Jack had returned. It had been a very emotional night and Nancy hadn’t said much when she’d got in, she’d just taken Jack into their room and said she would speak in the morning. She really hoped everything was OK. She couldn’t tell at that point if Nancy was mad at her or upset with her. Harriet had to prepare herself for that. And rightly so, Harriet couldn’t escape the fact that Jack had gone missing whilst in her care. Was their friendship now in question? Would they be able to come back from this? This holiday was supposed to be a positive thing for the pair of them – not a funeral for their twenty-two-year friendship.
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