by J. Grandison
“I am proud of the man you have become, Shawn. That man you are lying next to loves you, and he deserves the truth. I’m not saying right now but soon. Shawn, don’t be scared to be who you are. There are gay athletes, and well…you will be the best! I love you, my son,” she said just before kissing my forehead and vanishing. That’s when I woke up with tears soaking into the pillow I was laying on.
Now, watching as the sun shine across Braden’s face, I feel peace. Something I haven’t felt in…I’d say…ever. His eyes open slowly, and that angelic smile spreads across his face.
“Hey, good morning. You look like you feel better than you did last night. Want to talk about it?” he asks as he stretches. I lower my face until our lips are mere centimeters from each other and place light kisses on them. He lays his hands on my chest, gently pushing me away. “Shawn, taking it slow, remember? I know us sleeping in the same bed is a bit of a contradiction. If this is going to work, we need no secrets between us and to help each other through any and all things.” He searches my eyes for an answer.
I lay back down and grab his hand to begin my story of sex for money and my birth mom, but I keep my dream to myself.
After I have finished my tale, we lay there in a screaming silence. I wait to either hear Braden say he doesn’t want to be in love with a gigolo or that my family drama is just too much for him. But he doesn’t. Instead, he turns over, wrapping his arm around my chest.
“Shawn, I understand having to hide your true self. I know my mask isn’t as good as yours, but I try not to draw attention to myself, the twink as so many like to call me. But I have only had to put effort into hiding it here in this homophobic little town. I can’t imagine doing it my whole life. I don’t know what I can say to make you feel any better about the deception of your parents. You can stay here with me for as long as you need to, but please check your phone, it’s been vibrating all night,” he says with a chuckle in his voice.
I roll over and grab my phone to see that there are many voice mails and texts from my mom. I text, I am alright. Just need time, back to her, and within seconds, my phone vibrates with an, I love you.
I’m not mad at her, she was just as innocent as me in all of this. I sit up and throw my legs over the edge of the bed until my feet touch the floor, running my hands through my hair trying to figure out what my next move is. Then it hits me! I jump up, grab my jeans, and hurriedly put them on, sliding my feet into my shoes as I finish. “I have to go do something. I’ll be back in a few hours,” I say grabbing my shirt and keys.
“Please, Shawn, don’t do anything you’ll regret later.” Braden jumps out of bed, pulling my arm. I throw my shirt over my head then lean down to kiss him on top of his head. I look at him for a brief moment before walking out the door.
*****
I spot Charlie walking out of her parents’ house, knowing they are both gone out of the country. I start my car and pull up beside her, quickly slamming the gear in park. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I ask as I exit the car.
“Why, Shawny boy, I have not an inkling of what you are speaking about,” she replies in that incessant southern bell accent of hers.
“You know damn well what I’m talking about. Sending my dad that picture, the video, the painting. And just how did you get ahold of any of it?”
She stands there with that smug smirk of hers. “Well, Shawny boy, the picture I took that night at Duckett’s. I wasn’t sure if that was you inside the bar, so when you exited the front door, I dashed out the back. I heard you yell at that guy, then when he kissed you, I took the opportunity to capture such a sickening moment. The painting…that was fate. It was just out in the hall of the dorm, so I took it. And the video, well, that was Tristan,” she informs me with a proud smile. “He was actually supposed to seduce your boyfriend that day and get it on video, but apparently, Braden loves you, so he turned him down.” Her face carries a look of disgust as she says this.
“How did you know about Braden?” I ask, fuming that she is such a vindictive cunt.
“Oh, you see, as I was sneaking out of Tristan’s dorm room one night, I saw you coming out of your little boy toy’s, and suddenly, it all made sense why you turned down my advances. Not that it didn’t hurt any less,” she responds, rolling her eyes.
“So, you decided to try and ruin my life by sending that shit to my dad? What kind of crazy shit is that? Wait, why would a straight guy like Tristan, with whom you are sleeping, agree to seduce a gay guy?” So many questions.
“I never said I was sleeping with him, only that I was sneaking out of his dorm room. His roommate doesn’t know his secret, so in order for me not to tell...well, you know the rest. Nobody fucks me over, Shawn. Nobody!” she yells and turns to walk away.
I grab her arm and turn her back to face me. “You are some kind of fucked up, Charlie! Stay the fuck away from me, and if you ever message Braden again, so help me god…!” I stop before I say something that can get me into trouble.
I jump back into my car and peel away from the curb. I know what I need to do—get the fuck out of this Podunk town!
Chapter 17. Braden
I didn’t like the look on Shawn’s face when he left. I worry that he will only make things worse. All bad decisions start out for the right reason. He may think he needs to take action, but the best revenge is to move on and be happy. Nothing is worse than someone you hate being content while you’re still miserable.
I tried to warn him, but he paid me no heed. I only hope that his actions are not irreparable. He’s desperate to escape right now, and desperation causes people to do crazy things. My heart breaks just thinking about it.
I hurry around the room, cleaning and making up the spare bed. I’m not sure I can handle sleeping next to Shawn tonight. He smells so good, and when he touches me, my body ignites into flames. The problem is, can I trust him? We’ll see how things go. I want to keep myself busy, so I’m not thinking about what he could be doing and worrying about him. It’s bad enough that he is constantly on my mind as it is, day and night. I need to decide if I want to fight for what we could have or let him go completely. The idea of walking away from him permanently tightens my gut, and I have the sudden urge to puke.
Flopping down onto the bed, I place my head in my hands. That answers my question. I will fight for him unless he cheats on me, and then I am gone. I will go back home if I must and finish my degree later or transfer to another college. My grades are good enough that I should get a scholarship anywhere. I hope it never comes to that, though. I have never felt this way about a guy before, and it’s frightening. It will not be easy with everything going on with his dad and that tramp Charlie, but I know he’s worth it, and I will continue to support him in whatever he decides to do. I only hope to bring him enough happiness to make up for his dad’s disapproval.
I grab my clothes and hurry to the shower before all the hot water is gone. The halls are empty, a few beer cans littering the hallway. We’re not supposed to have alcohol in our dorm rooms, but it’s not enforced. This is a typical college with parties going every night. You only need to walk down the corridor and follow the sound of music to find one; however, I’ve never been interested in partying. Sure, I will drink every now and again, but I am always careful never to overindulge here. I would hate to wake up nailed to a cross or some other crazy thing these ultra-religious zealots would do to the poor gay kid. They still believe homosexuality is a choice. What idiots!
The shower feels good against my tired muscles. It has been a stressful week, and I can tell by the aches throughout my body that I have been too tense for my own good. What I wouldn’t give for a good back rub.
I thoroughly clean myself with soap and shampoo my hair, letting the spray wash the suds from my body as I think about what all I need to do today. I’m not missing anymore classes. I’ve fallen a little behind on my art project and some of my other classes; therefore, I can’t afford to skip any more.
Shutting off
the water, I quickly dry myself before dressing for the day. I’m not one of those guys who walks the halls in just my towel. I always bring my clothes with me. Being the center of attention, even though my physique doesn’t usually warrant it, makes me very uncomfortable.
I guess that’s what upset me the most about what Charlie did. She practically stalked me and then set Tristan up to record what Shawn and I said. I feel bad for the guy. I should talk to him and let him know I understand what he’s going through.
Opening the bathroom door, I walk out into the hall, nearly running into Tristan. Crap, it’s like my mind accidentally conjured him or something. He looks rough, like he had just as bad a night as we did. I wonder if Charlie has anything on him like she does Shawn. I hope not; he’s a good person.
“Hey, Tristan. I just want you to know that I understand why you did it. I’m not mad at you, and if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you,” I tell him, and he smiles at me.
“I appreciate that. Is everything okay with Shawn?” he asks. He really is a great guy.
“He seems pretty messed up right now, but I will be there with him no matter what he decides to do.” I mean every word. What happened in the past is over. When I decided to fight for him, I meant it.
“He’s lucky to have you,” Tristan replies sadly, and I understand that feeling of being alone in a state that thinks you’re less than you are because of who you’re attracted to.
As soon as I finish school, I’m getting the hell out of here. Thankfully, I’m almost done, but if Shawn chooses to leave, I will go with him. I can always transfer.
“I’m the lucky one,” I say, and he shakes his head.
“I don’t think you see yourself as the rest of us do. I really did find you attractive and would have gone further with you had you been available,” Tristan responds as he reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder. “It wasn’t just an act,” he finishes and drops his hand away reluctantly.
“If I had met you before Shawn, I would have been interested in dating you. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and mine seems to be connected to Shawn,” I say with a shrug. “I mean it, though, if you ever need to talk, my door is always open.” I move away from the doorway.
“I appreciate it,” Tristan replies as he steps into the bathroom. We say goodbye, and I head back to my room.
Throwing my dirty clothes into the hamper, I grab my bag. Leaving this early for class will give me a chance to get some work caught up, and hopefully, take my mind off of Shawn for a while. Every time I think about the devastation I saw on his face last night, I feel a pang in my chest and rub it through my shirt. I wish I could take the pain away from him.
Maybe taking things slow isn’t what he needs. Am I being selfish in keeping myself from him? I know it’s the right thing for my heart because I’m not sure if I can trust him yet. He did admit to being paid for sexual favors, and I worry that in his desperation, he might go back to it. I’m not sure my heart could sustain that kind of hurt.
I’ll think about it. The one thing I circle back to is the fact that he could have taken advantage of me that night I offered myself to him, and he didn’t. That means something to me. Shawn knew he needed to end that part of his life before he took that final step with me. It gives me hope that someday, we could have the relationship that I always dreamed of having with him. I just need to be patient and fight for him, and I will. I will fight for the love I can already feel building between us.
Chapter 18. Shawn
I am seething! I have been driving around for hours trying to cool off. I need to go home to get some clothes and other things to take back to the dorm. I refuse to stay in that man’s house. Not because of the things he said about me but because he never really wanted me there in the first place. I will not live somewhere I’m not wanted. Forgiveness is not something I’m able to give to him. He isn’t the saint he portrays himself to be. Fuck him and this whole fucking town! I got in touch with the scout from Detroit and will become a Detroit Tiger come spring. I’m asking Braden to move with me. Hiding my true self is not an option anymore. Next week, I have to be in Detroit to talk to the coach and sign all the papers
*****.
Pulling up in front of my parents’ house, I see the all mighty Reverend has already left to go to his office. My mom is standing in the window her face full of worry and sadness.
I exit the car and head up the stone walkway that I laid down three summers ago so my mom wouldn’t have to yell about mud and dirt being tracked in the house. She opens the door and rushes towards me, arms wide open.
“Shawn, I was so worried,” she says as she places a kiss on my cheek.
“I know, Mom, but last night was a lot of stuff to process, and I needed to think. Dad threw me out, anyway. I’m not staying somewhere I am not wanted. Apparently, he has never wanted me, so I’m here to get a few things then I’m gone.”
I feel her body slump as a sob rips through her. I stand on the porch holding the only woman I have ever known as my mother as she cries into my chest. After a few minutes, the sobs slow down and become softer. She pulls herself away and wipes at the leftover tears.
“You have to remember that we were given a shock, too, Shawn. It probably would have gone better if you would have just told us you were gay,” she says, now running her hands up and down my arms.
“You don’t believe that. It would have gone exactly the same. Dad will never accept this is who I am. We both know it, so please don’t patronize me,” I respond stepping away and walking past her into the house.
I take the stairs two by two and make my way to my room. Once I enter, I look for my sports duffle bag and start packing clothes—socks and underwear from the dresser. I grab my baseball uniform and cleats before heading to the bathroom to get my toothbrush. After I look around, making sure I have everything, I throw an anguished look at the room that I once thought was given to me out of love. Now I know my father was forced to take me in. I feel my eyes well up, but I refuse to shed any more tears.
Jogging down the stairs, I notice my mom is on the brown suede couch in the sitting room. “Son, can you come here for a moment?” she asks as I try to pass her by and get out of this house. I stop and set my stuff by the door. I walk into the room, and she pats the cushion next to her. I take the seat as I hold her hand. I’m not angry with her as much as him. I know she also kept this secret from me, but, at least, she wanted me in her life. Father just wanted to toss me out like a piece of trash.
“Shawn, I am so sorry. Unimaginably so. That is not how I wanted you to find out about your conception and birth, but he just made me so mad, acting like he has never committed any kind of sin. Son, I don’t care what your sexuality is as long as you’re happy. But I do have some questions. The older man, was he your boyfriend?” I cannot tell her the truth.
“No, we went on a few dates that’s all,” I answer, feeling like shit.
“What about the boy in the video?” she asks as she turns to look at me.
“He is the one I want to spend my life with,” I respond without batting an eye.
“What’s his name?”
“Braden, Braden Scott. He’s an art major.” I smile.
“Your face positively lights up when you talk about him. He makes you happy?” I nod my head. She gives me a loving grin. “What about baseball?” Her smile turns into a frown. I can’t tell her just yet that I will be leaving for Detroit.
We hear a knock on the door and Mom pats my knee as she rises off the couch to go answer it. I look out the big front picture window and see two sheriffs’ cars out there. Then when mom opens the door, I hear Sheriff Thomas greet her. She slides the door wider for him and Deputy Carr. They enter the house.
I walk to the foyer where they are standing.
“Shawn, did you happen to go by Charlotte Pettigrew’s a few hours ago?” he asks.
“Sherriff, what’s this about?” Mom inquires.
“Son, did you go by the P
ettigrew place?” The man ignores her question.
“Yeah, Sherriff, I did. Why?” I’m confused as to why they are asking this.
“Why were you there?” My mom asks as Deputy Carr begins to write on his little notepad.
“I went to ask her something?”
“You two didn’t have an altercation?” the deputy asks with a cocked brow.
“We had an argument that’s all. Sheriff, what is going on?” This line of questioning is causing a pit in my stomach.
“Shawn Dominque, you are under arrest for assaulting Charlotte Pettigrew,” he informs as he pulls his handcuffs out of his holster. “Please turn around and put your hands behind your head.” I don’t do as he says.
“No! What do you mean assault? I never touched her!” I yell as the deputy grabs me and slams into the wall.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?” The sheriff asks as they begin pushing me out the door.
“Mom, I did not touch her I swear! Please, Mom, you got to believe me!” I plead as she hurriedly follows us outside.
“I’m calling a lawyer, and I will be at the station as soon as I can!” she shouts as I am placed in the car.
“I love you, son,” she mouthed as we pulled away.
Chapter 19. Braden
I just get back from class when there is a knock on my door. I groan as I drop my backpack to the floor. Exhaustion has overtaken me and a quick nap while waiting for Shawn to get back has been on my mind for a while now. I am nearly caught up in all my classes again, and my professors have been very understanding, especially since I have always maintained a high-grade point average. They know I’m capable of doing the work. Two even gave me some extra credit assignments.
