by Mike Resnick
Table of Contents
Part I What follows is the true story of the Outpost.
Catastrophe Baker and the Dragon Queen
The Last Landship
The Greatest Painting of All Time
The Short, Star-Crossed Career of Magic Abdul-Jordan
When Iron-Arm McPherson Took the Mound
The Night Bet-a-World O’Grady Met High Stakes Eddie
Catastrophe Baker and the Siren of Silverstrike
The Tragic Quest of Faraway Jones
Building Mister Right
The Untimely Death of ***Lance Sterling***
The General Who Hated His Private
The Private Who Hated His General
The Sergeant Who Hated Everyone
The Greatest Invention
The Ultimate Question
Catastrophe Baker and the Mage of the Swirling Mists
The Prophet Who Was Never Wrong
The Prophet Who Was Never Right
Johnny Testosterone and the Temple Virgin
Johnny Testosterone and the Temple Virgin
Catastrophe Baker in the Hall of the Neptunian Kings
The Gril With the Hungry Eyes
The Pirates of Dawn
The Cyborg de Milo
The Romantic Tale of Velvet and Leather O’Toole
A City Older Than Time
The Pirate Queen With the Big Bazooms
Catastrophe Baker and the Fall of the House of Usher
The Trillionaire’s Toy
Reggie’s Story
Part II Achmed of Alphard and the Aliens
Sinderella and the Aliens
The Reverend Billy Karma and the Aliens
Sahara del Rio and the Aliens
Catastrophe Baker and the Aliens
Sitting Horse and Crazy Bull and the Aliens
Hellfire Van Winkle and the Aliens
Big Red and the Aliens
The Earth Mother and the Aliens
Argyle and the Aliens
The Cyborg de Milo and the Aliens
Bet-a-World O’Grady and the Aliens
Nicodemus Mayflower and the Aliens
Gravedigger Gaines and the Aliens
Three-Gun Max and the Aliens
Hurricane Smith and the Aliens
Little Mike Picasso and the Aliens
The Outpost and the Aliens
Part III Three-Gun Max Finds A Friend
The 73-Hour Rasslin’ Match
The Night Bet-a-World O’Grady Met Nick the Greek
How Einstein Saved the Outpost
An Undefeated Spiritual Tag-Team
A Hospital is Not a Home
The Sacrifice of Langtry Lily
A Wedding Ring in the Wedding Rings
The Lost Treasure of Margaret of Anjou
The Battle of the Big Little Horn
High Noon on Henry VIII
Catastrophe Baker and the Ship Who Purred
About the Author
Mike Resnick
Book Description
The greatest heroes in the galaxy gather in a very special tavern at the outskirts of civilization to swap tall tales about their heroic deeds until they are confronted by a war and actually have to perform acts of heroism.
***
Smashwords Edition – 2015
WordFire Press
www.wordfirepress.com
ISBN: 978-1-61475-321-6
Copyright © 2001 Mike Resnick
Original publisher by Tor 2001
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express written permission of the copyright holder, except where permitted by law. This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination, or, if real, used fictitiously.
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Cover design by Janet McDoland
Art Director Kevin J. Anderson
Cover artwork images by Dollar Photo Club
Book Design by RuneWright, LLC
www.RuneWright.com
Kevin J. Anderson & Rebecca Moesta, Publishers
Published by
WordFire Press, an imprint of
WordFire, Inc.
PO Box 1840
Monument, CO 80132
Dedication
To Carol, as always,
And to the Outpost’s progenitors:
Rick’s Café Americain
The Monkey Bar
Gavagan’s Bar
Joe the Angel’s City Hall Bar
Wallace’s
The White Hart
Tchaka’s
The Draco Tavern
***
Part I
Legend
Facts are the enemy of Truth. Everyone knows that.
What follows is the true story of the Outpost.
I knew the moment he walked into the Outpost that he was a Hero—he just had that look about him. He was a lot closer to seven feet tall than six, he had unblinking no-color eyes, golden hair that cascaded down to his shoulders, and the kind of body that you just knew chairs would bounce off of.
His huge arms were too heavily-muscled to be confined, so he’d cut the sleeves off his shirt. He wore a leather vest, matching leather trousers, a metal belt with a buckle made out of an alien skull, and fur-covered boots. And a bunch of alien necklaces and bracelets; you could hear him jingling from a couple of hundred yards away.
He had a scar that began just above his ear and ended in the middle of his chin. His right arm had a tattoo of one of the more spectacularly-endowed naked ladies I can remember seeing, and she constantly raced up to his shoulder and onto his chest beneath his shirt; his left arm had a tattoo of himself, scar and all, and it ran up to his left shoulder and (I assume) met the naked lady on his chest every few seconds in a pornographic embrace.
The middle finger of his right hand boasted a diamond ring that must have been six, maybe seven carats, and his ring finger held a diamond that could eat the middle finger’s diamond for breakfast. He wore a brace of pearl-handled burners, and the Spy Eye behind the bar told me he had another burner, two screechers, and a pair of knives hidden on his person.
He ignored the men and women who were gathered at the tables and walked directly up to the bar.
“Heard a lot about the Outpost,” he said in his deep, booming voice. “Hard place to find.”
“You managed,” I noted.
“I usually find what I’m looking for,” he answered. “Give me a Witch’s Wart.”
I had Reggie—that’s what I call the bartending machine; it kind of personalizes him—mix it up. “First one’s on the house.”
“I approve,” he said, picking the glass up and downing it in a single swallow, oblivious to the flames and the vapor that rose from it. “Name’s Baker,” he continued, putting the empty back on the bar. He paused, as if about to deliver a punch line. “Catastrophe Baker.”
“I’ve heard of you.” Of course, I’ve heard of almost everyone who finds his way to the Outpost.
“I guess a lot of people have.”
“Not too many make it out here, though,” I noted.
“Maybe more than you’d like,” said Baker. “You could be getting a little unwelcome company before long.”
“Oh?”
He nodded his shaggy head. �
�War’s getting close.”
News is always slow reaching us. After all, we’re as far from what’s happening as you can get. “Who are we at war with this time?”
He shrugged. “I get the feeling they’re more a bunch of whats than whos.”
“Then they won’t want to stop at the Outpost for a drink, will they?” I said, which was my only concern. Wars come and go; the Outpost stays.
Before I go any farther, I suppose I ought to tell you a little bit about the place, maybe starting with where it is.
Easy enough. We’re on Henry II, one of the Eight Henrys. We were named by Willie the Bard, who spent half a lifetime looking for just this configuration, and finally found it as deep into the Inner Frontier as anyone has ever gotten. We’ve got this binary system, and he named the two stars Plantagenet and Tudor. There are eight planets—the Eight Henrys. Henry I has two moons, Edith of Scotland and Adelaide of Louvain. The next six Henrys have one moon apiece: Eleanor of Aquitaine, Eleanor of Provence, Mary de Bohun, Catherine de Valois, Margaret of Anjou, and Elizabeth of York. For a while he was stymied, because Henry VIII doesn’t have any moons at all—but it does have six rings, and those became the Wedding Rings: Katherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, and Katherine Parr. A few of the Henrys actually have breathable atmospheres.
Willie is the only one who knows his Earth history, so he names just about everything in the system. For example, no one knows why he calls the huge volcano that’s always causing havoc in the other hemisphere Beckett, but that also means no one can contradict him, so Beckett it is. We’ve got two sets of native humanoids out in the hinterlands; he calls them Normans and Saxons, but no one is quite sure which is which. One race is kind of blue and ugly, and the other is kind of green and even uglier.
Willie wasn’t the first man to discover the Henrys, though. I was. I left civilization when I had a serious disagreement with the authorities over some of the finer points of the law, and I didn’t slow down until I came to the Henrys, which felt like the end of the universe, or maybe the beginning. There was no place left to go, so I decided to land my ship and settle down here. I knew sooner or later somebody would show up, and I decided we needed a gathering place—you know, a bar, some sleeping rooms, maybe a little restaurant that served human food—so I built the Outpost. Made it feel homey: holos of all the great athletes of the past couple of millennia, and a huge nude of Sally Six-Eyes over the bar (she posed for it right here on the premises, a few weeks after we opened for business). I added the mounted heads of some alien animals overlooking the tables, a couple of mind-bending games in the back, comfortable chairs, and a long bar that thirty or forty men and women could sidle up to. Then I figured we needed a post office, since we’re halfway across the galaxy from the Monarchy (I know, I know, they call it the Commonwealth—but out here we know what it is). The mail ship only comes twice a year, but that’s better than nothing. Over the years I added a cartographic chart shop for those travelers who don’t trust their navigational computers. Then I opened a weapon shop. It’s been a loser from the start; the men and women who find the Outpost are about as well-armed as people get to be.
We’re never very crowded, because we’re the farthest you can get from anywhere, and only the boldest of the bold are willing to come this close to the Galactic Core and the enormous black hole that lives there, gobbling up stars and planets like they were so many sandwiches. It takes a lot of man—or woman (or alien, for that matter)—to turn his back on everything he’s known and head out this way. The last thing I started was a pawn shop, because even heroes can run short of money from time to time.
What else can I tell you? Well, my name, I suppose. It’s Thomas Aloysius Hawke, and I think I was in business less than ten minutes before my first customer dubbed me Tomahawk, and that’s who I’ve been ever since.
I love my work. If you’re not three times as big as life and twice as wide, you don’t come looking for the Outpost … and if you find it, then you’ve got a lifetime of adventures and exploits worth bragging about. Reggie and I will fill you up with whatever you thirst for, and Willie the Bard will write down your story, adding only a few poetic flourishes, as part of this epic he’s writing. He tells me that he’s up over 4,000 pages, and he says when he finally publishes it he’s going to call it The Outpost.
Anyway, Baker ordered a second Witch’s Wart, and suddenly Three-Gun Max looked up from his drink.
“Catastrophe Baker,” he said, staring at the huge man’s back. “I heard of you.”
Baker turned and looked at Max, who was holding his drink in one hand, his bottle in another, and was tugging at his ear with a third.
“You’re a mutant, ain’t you?” said Baker.
Max grinned. “What makes you think so?”
“Just a shot in the dark.”
“Three-Gun Max is the name. Always glad to meet another living legend.”
“Where’d you hear about me?”
“Damned near every place I been,” said Max.
“Yeah?” said Baker, suddenly interested. “And where do you hail from?”
“Most recently?” said Max. “Port Raven, out in the Quinellus Cluster.”
“I’ve spent a few days there,” acknowledged Baker.
“I know. They had to build a whole new graveyard.”
“Well, some of the locals needed better manners,” said Baker with a shrug.
“Sure as hell did,” agreed Max. “The day I landed I was robbed twice and shot at once on my way from the spaceport to my hotel.”
“Yeah, I seem to recall that they don’t cotton much to strangers—and with all due respect, you look a little stranger than most.”
“I made out okay,” answered Max. Suddenly he grinned. “When they tell you to reach for the sky, they never remember to count how many hands you still got left.”
Baker threw back his head and laughed. “Let me buy you a drink.” He looked around the place. “Hell, let me buy you all a drink.”
Suddenly the place turned from a still-life into a sprint in about a tenth of a second. Big Red and Nicodemus Mayflower and Bet-a-World O’Grady were about a nose ahead of Sinderella and Little Mike Picasso, and most of the others weren’t far behind.
“That’s mighty generous of you, friend,” said O’Grady.
“I feel right at home,” answered Baker in his booming voice. “I recognize two or three of you from your wanted posters, and I’ve seen books and videos and suchlike about a bunch of you.” He downed another drink. “Hell, I’ve even had to flee for my life from a couple of you. That creates a bond, you know what I mean?”
“Of course we know,” said O’Grady. “That’s why we’re all here. This place is a magnet to our kind—whatever ‘our kind’ happens to be.”
“Well, whatever it is,” said Baker, staring at the assembled crowd, “it ain’t necessarily human.”
“Does that cause you a problem?” hissed Sahara del Rio from her end of the bar.
“Hell, no,” said Baker. “I got five or six wives kicking around the galaxy, and half of them ain’t human.” He paused. “Can’t say that the half that is ever treated me any better than the half that ain’t.”
“Maybe we ought to introduce ourselves to our latest benefactor here,” said O’Grady.
“I know who you are,” said Baker. “You’re Bet-a-World O’Grady.”
“My reputation precedes me,” said O’Grady, looking real pleased with himself. “Too bad all my worlds recede from me even faster.”
“I was there the night you lost Beta Campanis III,” said Baker.
“Really? I don’t recall seeing you.”
“Well, my situation wasn’t such that I wanted to make a memorable entrance.”
“So you were the one they were looking for!” exclaimed O’Grady. “What the hell did you do to get two whole military regiments after you?”
“Three,” Baker corrected him. “The third was backing up
the first two, just in case I got angry. Still, I almost stepped forward when you raised that Canphorite. He had you beat on the table.”
“I felt lucky.”
“You must have. The odds were about three million to one against you.”
“I play by my feelings, not by the odds. That’s how I won the entire Binder System.” O’Grady grimaced. “Of course, I lost it to a pair of fives a couple of months later, but what the hell—easy come, easy go.”
“So what do you own these days?” asked Baker.
“The shirt on my back, the boots on my feet, the deck of cards in my pocket …”
“And a tab for 483 credits,” I added.
“You’re talking to a man who was once worth billions,” he said heatedly. “Hell, maybe even trillions.”
“Achilles was once a pretty good freehand fighter,” I shot back, “but I haven’t noticed him beating anybody lately.”
“Are you threatening me?” demanded O’Grady.
“Of course not,” I said. “I’m reminding you.”
“Well, that’s all right, then,” he said, holding out his glass. “Fill it up again. Holler when my tab hits 500.”
“I been hollering since it hit 250,” I said.
As he walked over to Reggie for a refill, Sahara undulated over, the light playing off her shiny green scales.
“So you’re Catastrophe Baker,” she whispered in her sibilant hissing voice, looking him up and down.
“That’s right,” he said. “I think I missed your name, though.”
“Sahara del Rio.”
“Mighty earthy name for a Lodinite—or are you an Atrian?”
“Neither,” she said with a reptilian smile. “I’m a Borovite.”
“They got a Sahara Desert on Borovia?” asked a surprised Baker.
“I grew up on Earth,” she said. “I lived in a desert, and I lived where a city named Rio used to be.” Her gaze passed briefly over the other patrons. “That’s more than anyone else here can say. Not a single human in this place has ever set foot on your mother world.”
